Canada waiting for US economy to implode enough to make America 11th province
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump ’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America ’s forthcoming economic collapse and then buy the nation on the cheap.
Canada ’s leaders had been expected to announce retaliatory measures to counter U.S. tariffs on Canadian automobiles, steel, softwood, and ketchup chips. However, Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled plans to purchase the soon-to-be devalued United States of America, then declare it the newest province of Canada.
“We thought Canada was in for years of economic depression as we reworked our economy and built new trade partnerships around the world,” explained PM Carney. “But then Trump went and, to use a macro-economic term, ‘shot America in the dick’. So now it’ll be easier to just buy the whole place.”
Carney elaborated, using his actual understanding of economics: “Over $500 trillion in value was wiped out of the S&P last week. According to my calculations, by August the entire United States of America will be worth about $3,500, CAD.”
Once purchased by Canada at “rock bottom prices”, Carney explains that America would immediately become the 11th Canadian province.
“Or the 4th territory, depending on how we’re feeling that day,” added Carney.
Once annexed by Canada, the slightly-distressed 50 states will be combined into one large province, to be re-named “South Manitoba ”. Plans will then commence to distribute Maple Leaf flags and Swiss Chalet restaurants from the 49th parallel all the way down to the region formerly known as Texas.
In anticipation of the fire sale acquisition of the world’s former preeminent superpower, experts across Canada are weighing in.
Professor Maxine Welkers of the University of Toronto Economics Dept. explains, “Given Americans’ low literacy rates, costly health insurance, and how much animal shit their FDA allows in their food , Canada annexing the U.S. is really more of a humanitarian gesture.”
Welkers adds, “After how much Americans have lost this week in retirement savings, the Canada Pension Plan will actually look pretty good by comparison.”
Minister of Foreign Affairs Mélanie Joly has publicly stated that she expects Americans to welcome their new Canadian rulers as liberators.
“What country wouldn’t love being annexed by a neighbouring power without having any say in the matter, forced to abandon their culture of NASCAR, oversized food portions, and automatic weapons” Joly asked, looking at mock-up art of the Statue of Liberty remodelled to have Bonhomme’s face.
“I’m just kidding,” Joly added, “we’re gonna buy their broke-ass country and make jokes right to their American faces, exactly like they were planning to do to us.”
Once Canada makes American its 11th province, further plans include installing dual citizen Seth Rogen as premier, legislating all U.S. citizens to learn barely-passable 7th grade French, and forcing former president Donald Trump to return to hosting The Apprentice: Prison Edition on Global.
Canada has also announced that the 11th province won’t include Florida, which will instead be excised and put up for sale on Facebook Marketplace.
I'd rather wait until July and trade it to Greenland for a bucket of ice.
Meanwhile we in the Great White have yet to see or hear a single election commercial and of the 1 or 2 election posters bravely posted atop traffic lights all 2 or 1 have teeth blackened out and a cute circa 1940's moustache drawn in; some of the gals running never looked so good, and the guys look like dorks as usual.
If the polls run true we will have a new P.M. who is a hallmark of pragmatism without a shred of personality ... the way I like 'em.
don't forget to immediately deport the maga criminal gang members to el salvador without due process ...
a.k.a. Banana Republicans.
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Trump is a thong full of thugly fungi.
No worries, the pants shit patrol got a lot of practice the previous four years. Frequent patrons. Of course shitgun Joe, Poopy pants Nadler, oops I crapped my panties Pelosi and Maxine “I’ve got a load on” Waters.[✘]
Thank God this is only satire - it would be the ultimate "buying a pig in a poke".
My question is, "Why would anyone want to buy Trump's America, even if it's really cheap?"
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Boy do some of you characters get upset at no longer being No.1. Better get used to it No.3 is just around the bend in Trump's genome.
Spectacular, isn't it?
lol …. in your dreams […][✘]
I'm so old my dreams have dry issues.
we're obviously number 1 in brainless assholes now, since last november ...
Send it back, it came broken...
Lol, funny stuff
Can we at least sing the lumberjack song???
Does this mean legal weed? And hockey the national pasttime?
Yes, yes plus poutine as a national delicacy and maple syrup on everything but less obsessiveness about politics
I draw the line at maple syrup on everything
You don't need to, it's not a staple ingredient for anything other than pancakes and even then if there is a drop of Brit blood in your body you will opt for lemon and sugar.
In my tea, yes.
I like butter on everything. Are Canadians cool with that?
Evening...I can always recommend a very highly valued and versatile alternative spread that would be most appealing..
It goes on everything...even pizza..
stop it
That could start an argument akin to the does pineapple belong on pizza thing ....
You know it doesn't so don;t even joke about it
lol
hey im almost 63, male and single and unsupervised, i can do pretty much do as i want within legal parameters.
thats my story, and im sticking to it.
Morning... absolutely pineapple goes on pizza.. it's totally lost with out it...
Mmmm pizza with the lot can't beat it... pineapple ham prawns mushrooms capsicum tomato etc etc...
Absolutely
Also pineagpple on pizza is great and maple syrup on bacon (my mouth is watering just thinking about)
and waffles, french toast, snow cones, bacon, glazes for meats and potatos, oatmeal, plus many more.
Lol are you sure you live in Quebec?
Morning...Free .they were selling bacon here that was glazed with maple syrup...so thought stuff it I will give it a try..
I quite enjoyed it but for me I found it a bit to sweet..but that's not usual for me as I don't put apple with pork either..I just prefer plain gravy...
Vegemite?
isn't easier to list the ingredients that we don't put on pizza?
Sounds delish, yeah it can be extra sweet but I think bacons saltiness offsets it nicely
I like gravy with my pork as well but also like it with applesauce, so I guess I'm kinda split on that issue
Ahh Australia's gift to the world.. and it is so much better for it..
Greatest thing out since sliced bread..😁
Ahh nope just chuck everything on..and including an egg..
That's not pizza.
But no Vegemite?
Yes, yes plus poutine as a national delicacy and maple syrup on everything
But no Vegemite?
Oooops-- my mistake.
Right Commonwealth, wrong part.
Oh yes..
I'm not going to make a good Canadian
What is that stuff made of?
It is to Shona
Does that replace the onions and peppers?
Brewers yeast extract...yep as in beer...
Can't get anything better than that...😍
That's a veggie pizza... Vegemite topped with melted cheese... bliss..
Can have Vegemite and cheese sangas (sandwiches)...and even better when toasted..
I was transplanted from England in 1957 at the age of 7, my roots settled in last year.
How can they call it Vegemite when there's no vegetables in it? LOL!
The Hog Trough Pizza at Mile High Pizza, Wrightwood, CA.
" Cheese and all 21 toppings! What a pig!"
It does not have Vegemite though...
That's an atrocity
I don't think I'd like crunchy pizza ...
Only if Austrailia contributes to the purchase of the US
Oh you'll do fine you don't have to like pineapple, we are accepting of peoples differences up here
Morning...now that's a pizza...
Morning...ahh it's actually made from yeast, salt and vegetable juice extracts..
Is extremely high in vitamin B and folate..low fat and sugar...
So it's a winner all round...and tastes damn great to boot..
If there was ever a shortage of Vegemite there would be riots..
... so it's V8 that's already gone bad once, and now it has to be refrigerated once it's been opened.
Except for the anchovies and jalapenos I'd give it a go. Probably would take several days to eat though
Add vodka