OKAY, Lets lighten the mood here....does anyone have a joke they'd like to share.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The
woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The
woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied. He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his
groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands
inside.
She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and
asked,'How does that feel'?
minutes,' the man replied. He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his
groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands
inside.
She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and
asked,'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Great idea! I'll do my best to think of those that I've heard...
Be back later!
A census taker knock on the front door and a little boy answers. He asks the boy where his mother is and he points to the backyard. When the census taker goes around back he sees a woman having sex with a goat. Horrified he knocks on the door in the hope of getting the boys parents. The boy comes to the door again and when the census taker asks if that was his mother in the back yard, the boy shakes his head yes. Incredulous, the man asks the boy, "Doesn't that bother you?"
The boy replied,"Nahhhhaaaaaaaaa"
Before sex....
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over to the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pants leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT?"
He heard, "This is the police, what the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
One I remember at the moment may not be appropriate. If you want it deleted let me or any moderator know.
Well..... the mothers of this little girl and little boy would always carry them to the park almost every day.
The little boy was a mean little rascal and one day he came up to the little girl and said, "I've got a doggie." The little girls said, "I've got a doggie too." Then he said, "I've got a kitty cat too? The little girl said, "Well I have a kitty cat." Then he pulled down his pants and showed her what else he had and she ran over crying to her mother.
The next time the little boy saw the little girl at the park he went up to her and said, "I've got a bicycle." The little girl said, "I've got a bicycle too." Then he said, "I've got a TV set in my room." The little girl said, "I've got a TV set in my room too." Then he pull down his pants and showed her what else he had and as she looked at it she pulled up her dress, pointed to what she had and said, "My mother told me since I have one of these I can get one of those any time I want."
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the the club greets them and says "Hey Dave, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?'
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?'
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter name in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time!"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down and shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older? The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
To my dear wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary in the Comfort Inn hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table: "My dear husband: I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation ... although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18 ....
And therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow!
The Marriage Secret . .
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary; their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple" was an often heard comment when their names came up in conversation.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on pack mules. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "that's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after...
Father O'Malley is walking down the street when he sees this kid sitting in front of a rowhouse, grinding his thumb on the steps and muttering "Goddam ants...goddam ants..." The priest approaches and asks the boy what he's doing.
"Just killin' these goddam ants, Father," the lad replies.
"Son, these are creatures of God," the priest lectures, "Like all things in creation, they have their place and their purpose, and you should not be killing them."
"Ah, Father, they're just goddam ants, is all," they boy answers, still mashing the scurrying critters.
"Boy, all things the Lord has made have a purpose in His plan," Father O'Malley says sternly, "and it's not for you to disregard them. You cannot name three things in all of creation that don't have a purpose in the grand scheme of things."
Kid looks up and says "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants..."