Special Counsel Jack Smith's Investigation Giving Trump More To Cry About Every Day

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T

TrumpEvan HurstMay 23, 2023 11:44 AMGiphy

Donald Trump is dementia-babbling on Truth Social this morning about how he has no idea who E. Jean Carroll is and E. Jean Carroll is a liar and whatnot. He must just really want to pay Carroll some extra damages.

But he should try to find some time in his scream-crying about his ruined, wasted life to do some scream-crying about everything that's going on with Special Counsel Jack Smith's various criminal investigations into him.

It's looking pretty bad for him!

Former White House Lawyer Ty Cobb Says Trump Proooooobably Going To Prison For BOXES HOAX

We mentioned yesterday that Cobb, the former White House lawyer with the mustache face hair appendage, said Trump is probably going to go to prison for BOXES HOAX, but we might as well mention it again because BOXES HOAX is one of the funniest, stupidest ways that minimally-IQ-ed halfwit has ever mangled the English language, and we just really like typing BOXES HOAX.

Cobb was on CNN with Erin Burnett talking about the news that the National Archives are handing over 16 documents to Jack Smith, 16 records of communications, which reportedly constitute evidence that Trump knew exactly what he had to do in order to declassify things when he was president, and cannot now pretend ignorance of what he was doing with all the state secrets he stole.

Cobb said "there's so much evidence of guilty knowledge" that "all they really have to do is show that Trump moved these documents at various times when DOJ was either demanding them or actually present," and that Trump "had his lawyers file falsely with the Justice Department an affidavit" that there were no more classified docs at Mar-a-Lago. He said it's a "tight case" and "yes, I think he'll go to jail on it."

From Ty Cobb's great big mustache to God's ears.

Special Counsel Jack Smith Still Doing Boxes Hoax To Trump, Even Though Durham Totally Exonerated Him

So that happened.

Former Trump Lawyer Timothy Parlatore Quit Trump Team Because ... Wait, This Can't Be Right.

In the same article where we wrote about the latest updates with BOXES HOAX last week, we also noted that Trump lawyer Timothy Parlatore, who was on the BOXES HOAX team, had quit. We figured it could have been for any of approximately eight million reasons, like "fool for client" or "didn't get paid," or something.

On CNN this weekend, he said it was because of infighting among the legal team, specifically one very huge fucking Trump idiot named Boris Epshteyn, who always seems to be barnacled onto Trump's ass somewhere. The quotes from other Trump lawyers about Epshteyn are always priceless.

Anyway, Parlatore said:

"The real reason is because there are certain individuals that made defending the president much harder than it needed to be," he said to CNN's Paula Reid on Saturday. "There is one individual who works for him, Boris Epshteyn, who had really done everything he could to try to block us, to prevent us from doing what we could to defend the president."
Parlatore said that Epshteyn "served as a kind of a filter" when it came to passing along information to the former president and also "attempted to interfere with" the team's effort to search some of Trump's properties for classified documents.
"In my opinion, he was not very honest with us or the client on certain things," Parlatore said of Epshteyn.

Trump's campaign said those are lies, but Trump campaign responses aren't worth the dried turds they're written on.

We don't know why, but Epshteyn reminds us of Kristen Wiig's "Dooneese" character on the "Saturday Night Live" Lawrence Welk sketches, just the weird one at the end with the tiny hands. Just, like, why is he there? Dunno!

Giphy

Jack Smith Subpoenaed WHAT?

Finally, here's a New York Times beach read for ya. We don't know what it means, but Smith has subpoenaed the Trump Organization for business records with SEVEN foreign countries, going all the way back to the beginning of his presidency.

First of all, we cannot stop laughing because dumbfucking cow hick Republican Rep. James Comer, chair of the House Oversight Committee, has been cow hicking around about his Biden investigation PROVING that Joe Biden did THING in PLACE with SOMEBODY in exchange for MAYBE DOLLARS and he will let you know the specifics as soon as somebody finds the whistleblowers and drops them off at the animal shelter.

Oh No, What Is Joe Biden Doing To James Comer's Informants Who Are Definitely Real And Not Imaginary?

James Comer NAILS! Biden For Maybe Knowing About Possible Schemes His Family Coulda Done With Perhaps China?

Meanwhile, in the real investigation into the real traitor criminal motherfucker:

It remains unclear precisely what the prosecutors were hoping to find by sending the subpoena to Mr. Trump's company, the Trump Organization, or when it was issued. But the subpoena suggests that investigators have cast a wider net than previously understood as they scrutinize whether he broke the law in taking sensitive government materials with him upon leaving the White House and then not fully complying with demands for their return.
The subpoena — drafted by the office of the special counsel, Jack Smith — sought details on the Trump Organization's real estate licensing and development dealings in seven countries: China, France, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates and Oman, according to the people familiar with the matter. The subpoena sought the records for deals reached since 2017, when Mr. Trump was sworn in as president.

Whoa. We would say "Not Russia?" except for we just read in that paragraph that it's about real estate business deals and we all remember how Trump failed at doing real estate deals with Russia before he was sworn in as president.

But oh golly, we want to know more. The Times says this is part of the same subpoena that asked for info on his Saudi golf deals.

We Read All 284 Pages Of BuzzFeed's Trump Tower Moscow Documents, And Now We Hate Everybody In This Story

If We Were Trump, We'd Be Sh*tting Our Big Ugly Golf Pants Over Jack Smith's Investigation Right About Now

The Times also speculates how this could tie into BOXES HOAX:

Collectively, the subpoena's demand for records related to the golf venture and other foreign ventures since 2017 suggests that Mr. Smith is exploring whether there is any connection between Mr. Trump's deal-making abroad and the classified documents he took with him when he left office.

Ayup. That would sure as shit be something we'd be trying to figure out if we were Jack Smith. Why did he steal the state secrets he stole, and what was he doing with them?

Smith is also investigating the terrorist attack Trump incited on January 6 as part of his desperate sad loser attempt to overthrow the government and overturn the election he lost. Also all the grifting he did pretending he was investigating stolen elections and fraud and whatnot.

Can't wait to read whatever indictments are coming his way.

[Politico / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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