Before I Go, there are a few things I want you to know! I am Not GAY, I just look that way!

WARNING:

Friends, Fellow Nitwits, and bored, Cross Dressing Liberals, if you have shabby taste in literature you SHOULD read this shabby, CLASSLESS, first draft piece of DRIBBLE, written in a fury, by the less than esteemed, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored."

If you don't think I am "doctored," just take a gander in me Medicine cabinet. I take 17 kinds of medications. I even take one to remind me to take my medications.

If I ain't "doctored," who the Hell is?

Brothers & Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation now is the time to make that call that you have been "wanting to do" for so long.

"Pick up the phone and dial the number for your local MENTAL HEALTH facility, and tell them you need an appointment, "Right this Damn Minute!"

It worked for me.

Now, I am institutionalized within the luxurious confines of the Dick Cheney Nursing Home For Disgruntled Republicans, where "Water Boarding Is A Therapy, Not a Torture!"

- This literary gem was written in crayon by Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, "Doctored," Publisher & Flounder of Eat The Press - Do Not Read It!  We are the "Original Fake News. We are so fake we just make SHAT UP.

We, as I am sure many of you do not know, are located in that lovely, but, nearly all torn down Village of Mildew, Ohio, where there are NO JOBS - NOT EVEN BLOW JOBS!

(I warned you it might be offensive, especially, if you live in a bubble of religious mumble.)

Mildew is just a sharp right turn from anywhere in ' Merica . If you are driving, we are the second EXIT from the one that reads, "Twilight Zone."

Don't be turned off by the machine gun turrets, the minefield, or barbwire fence. We are like most 'Mericans, a "gated community."  We don't know who built it, or why, but it is "Gated!!

We are not sure if it is to keep folks out, or keep us in?

Anyway, we want to invite all of you to come to visit. We need the money since our main employer, the Corksacking Company was shut down by RePuritans when they came to town. It pretty much put everyone out of work. 


CAUTION: This TOME is not, yet, rated!

Viewer discretion is advised! Violence, Vulgarity, Left-Wing Sentiments, Sexual Situations are all included, at NO EXTRA COST !

(Unless you want to pay more to upgrade your membership).

Within this trusted site, one will find, "All the things that we wish were in an article, that aren't! The real down and dirty stuff that grinds your soul, until it explodes.

Read at your peril.

Further, precaution for the CAUTIOUS!

Uncontrollable vomiting is common for some (Ok, all readers)! Keep your BARF BAG, HANDY! I wouldn't read it if I hadn't written it.

NOTE: Be prepared before you ventured down this wormhole. Right-Wing Nut Jobs may attack you in their underwear with merciless, inarticulate comments that will have you scratching your head and asking yourself:

"How did these  Maroons  get out of the trash bin and into my head?"

In my 78.6 years experience, I have observed that "Redneck, Red-Hat wearing, ready to rumble, moonshine sucking Hill Folks" are angry twitters with low IQs and bad breath!

Now, before you throw a "hissy fit," call one of your moderator friends, let me assure you, this is "NOT a Sweeping Generalization," as some critics might suggest.

It is based on my personal experience, observations gained from running for my life through, nearly every state in the South and Southwest, during my formative, traumatic years chased by those lovable Confederate flag-waving imbeciles swinging baseball bats at folks they call "sissies, faggots, Northerners, Liberals, Socialists, unpatriotic pussies." 

My observations, bruises, and blood stained T-shirts left me with the feeling that "most, if not all of these 'hooting & hollering' red necks have 'reck necks."

Some have two or three of them bulging from the veins in their head as a result of all that backed up bile.

Look, Honey, the "Civil War" is over!  Y'all lost,  now, get the Freakin' Frack over it!

That was 1865, this is 2020.

It is time, fellow Americans if you are fellow Americans, and no longer traitors, now be the time to give up the ghost of General Robert  E. Lee and move on.

Stop "mooning" over  y'all's  attempt to secede from the   United States of America to start your own country that would have allowed you, to this day, to buy and sell other human beings.

You would still be beating, raping, and torturing them. Working them to death, and never paying them because the Southern Baptist Church , y'all's only approved state church, says, "It's Ok! It's in the Bible, somewhere."

The only upgrade, from then to now, would be the Evangelical, "Talking-In-Tongues," jumping up and down and hollering to the rafters, in their mistakenly referred to "Religious Services."

The Southern Baptist Church has been hijacked by this so-called "Christian Movement" that call themselves "evangelicals."

Many of these colossal organization are ruled by near billionaires like:

Pat Robertson, (Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson) and, his son, Gordon Robertson!

Jerry Falwell, Sr. and his son Jerry Falwell, Jr.!

John Hagee, and his son Mathew Hagee!

John Osteen, and his son, Joel Osteen!

Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, and many, many other rich Fathers & Sons who struck it rich in the Religious business.

All are Republicans, all support Trump and his policy of locking kids in cages, taking babies from their mothers, building Walls instead of Bridges, promoting Church Schools over Public Schools, demanding the teaching of the Bible in the Classroom, instead of history, Abolishing Women's Rights Programs, and co-mingling Church & State.

All claim to speak for God, all are Republicans, all from the South and Southwest, and, all are PERSONALLY Super Rich, just like the Multi-millionaire Jesus, and Donald J. Trump.

All preaching that national disasters and plagues vested upon 'Merica Land are the results of their God being upset because there are too many "gay" folks in America.

There is no room in their Temples for Jews, No Room.

None for Presbyterians!

Nor, any other organized religions allowed, or, acknowledged, except the Evangelical church, not even the Baptist church, because it was a proponent of emancipation prior to the Civil War; a religious sin in the Glorious Old Days of Southern Gentility & Human Bondage.

My other sad, recollection of the South, which may not be aligned with yours, is that "Southern Haters" are, for the most part, inbreds, who rarely achieved their goal, the 5th grade, until they reach their sixteenth birthday, the legal age to quit school and marry their first cousin, or, their favorite sibling."

That is the sum of it, folks, in a "nutshell," (my nutshell, that is.)

The view from a twisted sister is rarely welcomed in Dixieland, the land of Gentilly Lace, a Pretty face, good manners above all else, lynchings.

This gnarled regurgitation is only a sampling of my thesis, which got me kicked out of Graduate School, quite quickly.

So, folks, "Light them up, if you have them," as they say in the Army.

Not to worry, if you don't have any, we, "Northener, Pot-Head, Deadbeats, Liv'n off da system"  can make arrangements to get them for a small fee, plus, an outrageous Shipping & Handling charge. Write to:  The Devil's Weed!

Not to brag, but, it is "Marvelous", already, No?

Now, sit back. Take off your shoes, or, various pieces of your apparel. Make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.

Don't forget to take a "Selfie," and, send it to me for "your bonus edition" of my personal, private photos that I took before I was locked up, then, knocked up by Cheney, the Dick!

Now, shall we begin?

If you don't get it by now, you probably aren't going to get it, or, ever take that "roll in the hay" that you always wanted to, but, was too shy to ask your cousin over for some Bill Cosby "Knock Out Cappuccino Cofeffe ."

So, I will lay it out. This is S A T I R E!  (Not a tire that sat too long!)

Now, If you will shut up, I will begin!

The old Confederacy, known, now, as "THE RED STATES," where toilet paper still scratches and is purchased by the wagon load, seems  to have an inordinate stranglehold on the Republican Party.

Don't get me wrong, I don't HATE the South, I hate scratchy toilet paper. Further, as I discovered from my travel through Southern Hell, I just do not think the South has matured very much since the Days of the Neanderthals.

You, see, " Hee Haw"s,   (loved that show) the history that we have been taught is all wrong!

Neanderthals did not go extinct, they just migrated to the South and blended in with the local yokels, undetected.

Do not worry your pretty little head, they are easily spotted. They wear silly, little red caps to hide their receding forehead, chew tobacco, and wipe with both hands. Most spend much of their time loading and unloading their weapons while scouring at strangers. 

Do Not Disturb Them  when they are engaged in their preferred sexual activity, playing with their weapon. It is as dangerous as picking up a sleeping cat. They will attack, claw, hiss, and, maw you in a Nashville Minute!

Researchers have discovered that the Red Cappers' are observed constantly fiddling with their weapons in public! This is reportedly their preferred activity. It is what they live for, what they love, what they stroke the most, and, what they will kill  fer , their guns.

Guns mean more to them than food, or, pussy. They are really "Twisted."

Too bad their obsession is not with their "gums," those crooked, decaying fangs could use some attention.

I know, that my now, many of you, are wondering, "How did I get trapped in this  Twisted Sister's  bent mind?" Well, it wasn't easy, or, by chance.

It's my cadre of Mind Controllers!

That's right, "mind controllers! They were installed while white folks slept soundly during TRUMP thunderous  RALLYS IN THE ALLEY    "Revivals &  Ho Downs" that his High-Ass passes off as political events.

Truth be known,  Brothers and Sistas  of the Corn Hole Degeneration, it is fate! That is right, alt-right, Brothers & Sistas,  FATE !

Just as fate, or, as Thumpers like to say, "GOD," appointed Donald John Trump as "America's First Fake POTUS, Real POS," I was appointed ORACLE!

Aka, "Messenger to the Masses of Unwashed Arses," to spout my wisdom about the "obvious." Captain Obvious, was not available, so, I was tapped. Well, make that smacked around until I said, "Yes."

After my extensive, forced confinement within the gated confines of the  DICK CHENEY   Nursing Home for Wayward Republicans,   where I was required to study porn and listen to Country Music night and day until I repented and was declared "fixed up."

I was not an unwilling resident. I grew to look forward to my weekly Waterboarding Therapy session with Dick Cheney, who giggled constantly as he worked, but, never whistled. His entourage of Red Capped Maroons would wash my mouth and brain out with soap, then, force everyone to play that damnable game, "Pick Up The Soap." 

Unfortunately, when my Health Care ran out, I was unceremoniously tossed out, ordered to NEVER return to the  BIRD DROPPINGS INSTITUTE - A THINK TANK FOR  MORONS - NO IDIOTS, PLEASE , located in the basement of the Nursing Home, upon  penalty of death.  

Years later, I learned that it was on direct orders from the courts, all of them.

At that, the darkest moment of me "wasted life", I was miraculously ordained by Reverend Oral Fleece, a divine leader/con-man whose moniker, "Straight from the Street and Not From the Police", instructed me to deliver my message, via hand-scribbled flyers to every drive-thru MacDonalds in  "Merica!"

Which I did for "Forty Days & Forty Nights," until it rained.

Reverend Oral is known in some circles as "the Very Fermented Pasteur" of the Church of the   How Big is Your Wallet, How Small Is Your Brain,   and, is considered a "big deal," here, in Mildew, Ohio, a small rural burrow in Southwest Ohio, where there are NO JOBS, not even blow jobs. (It is worth repeating).

Once the Re-Puritans came to town they closed down our major factory and sent all of our good-paying jobs overseas to Communist China. There is a sad country song in our story, somewhere.

Maybe, Taylor Swift will pen a hit tune for us to sing on the way to the "firing line."

Trump is cleaning the house and is on a tare to get rid of   "Rif-Raf."   So it is "Bye, Bye, Miss America Pie."

It was my tutelage with Reverend Oral Fleece where I found the courage ( Muscatel & Lime Juice)   to step forward out of the shadows of the alley dumpsters and into the holy-rollers "Good-Golly, Miss Molly" light of Evangelical, Talking-In-Tongue, Religious Hypocrisy and preach to the worried worshipers of   "Trump Urinal, Piss-Pot Politics   followers and shocked them away from their heathenistic religion sold to them by Pat Robinson, for "nickels on the dollar."

It was, howsoever, that is to say, nonetheless, how I found my true calling. It was carved in large block letters above the urinal in the Men's restroom. 

The sign, I knew at first glance, was from the "Man Upstairs" because it instructed me to forego eating navel lent and take up exposing the abhorrent political scene, here, in 'Merica Land . . . Land of the Orange Tan to the MASSES OF UNWASHED ASSES! That be you, folks!



I pledged, to the GOD OF CHAOS, that in this drunken state, I shall unmask myself to my legion of fans, known to law enforcement as, "Liberals, Progressives, Rif-Raff, and such," thereby, lighten the way for others to follow.

Those other chumps, "the Deplorables," that curse my name to the   God of Grammar,   a fraudulent deity, that has tormented me all of   "me"   MISERABLE life,  I further vowed: that, "the tyrants of Republican Rule shall not prevail, because we have e-mail!"

Write that down!

There will be a test later, and, the winner will get an uneaten   Snicker's Bar.    

I hope it's a Red Neck, they could do with a smile once in a while, Hoss! Man, they are an angry mess!

My point is, My Fellow 'Mericans, "We Must Resist, Persists and learn to love Stitches," cause these Sons-of-Witches are a mean lot.

NOW, here, is as good as time as any for READERS to get your TETANUS SHOT, because it only gets worse! Or, a shot of liquor, it's quicker!

This is the End of Segment One, where those with IQ's above 60 usually drop out!

I shall, or, shall not return, depending on how well my medication wears off!

Chapter II, The Sermon From Da' Dismounted Position

Brothers & Sistas, of the   Corn Hole Degeneration , you know who I am talkin' to; those damnable   Left-Leaning Liberals Too Lazy To Get a Job,   and, those   "Right-Wing, Gun-Totting Knuckleheads That Can't Get One Either, Because They Are Just Too Damn Poorly Educated, and Sickly from Eating Beaver Pelts all dang day and vomiting all night long.

No wonder they don't smile.

We (that'll be, me and you) are their "betters," because we do not spread our bread with our boot. That is so gauche, so   passe!

Therefore, it is our sworn, God-given mission to boot harden   "Trumpers"   out of all public latrines, and, send their "sorry arses" back to grammar school.

On the other hand ("the left one") we demand that the "guv-mint" dump "trillions" of other people's money, aka, "FEDERAL DOLLARS" into rehabbing" our sad-sacks liberals- Commies-Marxist- Socialists-Lefties domiciles for free, so we might look like average White Americans with burr hair cuts, wearing MAGA hats and totting our government-issued OBAMA, free phone, and automatic weapons.

After all, we vote DEMOCRAT and can be bought off cheaply. Pennies on the dollar, or, so I am told, my one of my fellow whores.

Dummies, like, "W", Pence, and Trump have been in charge, too, damn long.

It is time for us, the "slightly less dumb," to regain our rightful place as heads of all public "mistakes," and, start giving   "Free Sh*t Away, Again!"

Can I get an "Amen?"

Naturally, our largess will be restricted to our fellow   Left-Leaning Liberals,   who are always smoking pot and, too "stoned" to work at a regular job.

Amen, Brother Ben! (Ben Carson, that is). Oh, Brothers and Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation, when the Spirit moves me, I have to screech!

Why run from it, folks? After all, it is what the All-Knowing,  Alt-Right, Always-Right, Uptight-Upright, Conservative, Christian Re-Puritans claim is what Dems, Liberals, and, dirty, communist Humanitarians want:    "Free Sh*t from Uncle Sammy."

I pretty much agree with that assumption.

We are, according to God's   Chosen Folks , "nothin', but, Welfare Cheats, Commies, Socialists, Marxist, Fascists," because we want everyone, who is eligible to vote . . .  to VOTE.

In a conservative run world, that is a "No-No. Numero Uno, No-Ass-Kicking, No!"

Why is that thought so radical to the Right-Awful, Religious-Right that today makes up most of the Republican Party of Whining Misfits? 

We are, so my hallucinations, tell me, "proponents of the   Bill of Rights"   (all of them, not just the Second Amendment) unlike the "other" clan, the "gun-totting" one, who cannot read the Constitution, or, spell their name. That's why they all have nicknames, like "Bubba, Hot Rod or Doofus", so, I am told by, yet, another voice in my battered head.

As everyone knows, "Trumpers", when not loading and unloading their guns, spend much of their time memorizing their favorite part of the Constitution, The Sacred Second Amendment, particularly the phrase dealing with their right to own guns, and the right to shoot pigeons in the park.

Hill Folks, in my gilded view, interpret what they call their "Constitutional Rites",   to mean:

"We, da Hill Jack folks, peoples, has da right to do, as we damn well, please, 'cause, Bubba, we be free whites folks who adorn ourselves with the lovely white hood given to us by the White Jesus!"

Within, their moonshine damaged, nearly empty, childlike mind, they miraculously conceived the idea that it is their   "rite   to keep the guv'mint in checkers. White & Red Checkers, No Black ones!"

These are some dumb, dangerous Mother Fucars. It is best not to say anything, just look them in the eye and nod in the affirmative.

THANK GOD! There is a B R E A K!

If you write, I'll tell you some more Whore, er, I mean Horror Stories!