Trade War Update: Unpatriotic cat still refuses to use Canadian litter
By: Derek Schultz - The Beaverton
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
WELLAND, ON ― Feline traitor to Canada Seersucker has stubbornly refused to switch to any of several varieties of locally-sourced litter, her owner Lily Sasaki reports, opting instead to do her business on shoes and carpets until the old American litter was reinstated.
The standoff between the selfish cat and Sasaki, who has made numerous and substantial sacrifices for the elbows-up cause, even to the point of giving up Netflix, began the day after Trump’s so-called Liberation Day. It has continued ever since, as Sasaki assumes it is only a matter of time before the unstable president resumes his tariff pandemonium.
“You remember a year ago when you first switched over to that walnut shell-based litter, and you loved it because it produced way less dust when you scooped it? Well, guess what? I loved it for the same reason,” Seersucker told Sasaki. “You think I like breathing in dust-particles tainted with my hours-old feces while I’m urinating? Of course not. We had a good arrangement here, and you ruined it.”
Sasaki has tried cajoling her cat in every way she can think of. “I offered big, small, open, and closed boxes along with the litter varieties, moved them to different areas, cleaned them more frequently, and bribed her with treats made from 100% dried Canadian salmon. But this asshole refuses to do her part. I’m beginning to think she hates Canada.”
Seersucker contends that since tariffs, industry, money, nation-states, litter boxes, and that pile of clean laundry she just pissed on were all conceived of and created by humans, it is up to humans to figure out problems like the fact that Canada does not grow nuts.
In the meantime, the wheat, corn, and pine based versions are not going to cut it. “Start growing walnuts, or source from other countries. Why the hell would I care about any of this 51st state stuff? I’m a cat.”
“But if I did care, I might point out that a nation too scared of China to recognize Taiwan’s sovereignty has no business throwing a fit when its figurehead king isn’t quick enough in coming to their defense.”
Sasaki lamented that her furry companion just doesn’t share her values. “I’m an idealist and would do anything for my country, but her issues are limited to more meals, less vacuuming, unlimited couch privileges, and banning the sale of homeopathic substances next to real medicine without clearly labelling them as pseudoscientific nonsense.”
According to the latest reports around the ongoing dispute, relations between the two sides have deteriorated even further, after Sasaki visited a bakery and came home with a maple walnut muffin. Seersucker immediately retaliated by pushing the expensive and fragile glass jar of local strawberry jam she also purchased off the counter onto the hard tile floor below.
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Cats rule, dogs drool.
Although The Beaverton is known to be a great source for satire, perhaps you should have indicated it for this seed, even though even Alfred E Newman would know it is.
I need to get used to a lack of topic choices when seeding to a group ... should take me a year or two.
I think it took me longer.
Sasaki has it all wrong, Never mind the walnuts, Seersucker considers it unpatriotic to shit and piss on Canadian litter, but it's patriotic to answer American insults about sovereignty and bullying tarrifs by shitting and pissing on American litter - Seersucker refuses to give up the opportunity to make a point of shitting on America.
Walnut trees don't grow in Canada???