Opinion: Some one-star Yelp reviews of space travel from the near future


Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  5 months ago  •  2 comments

By:   Alexandra Petri - WAPO

Opinion: Some one-star Yelp reviews of space travel from the near future

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T

[Richard] Branson’s flight reinforces the hopes of space enthusiasts that routine travel to the final frontier may soon be available to private citizens, not just the professional astronauts of NASA and other space agencies.

… The orbital trips are too expensive for anyone except the superwealthy — Axiom’s three customers are paying $55 million each — while suborbital flights might be affordable to those who are merely well off.

But how many people are willing to spend as much as some houses cost for a few minutes of space travel?

— the New York Times

Great, space travel is being expanded to the super wealthy! Instead of people who have trained and dreamed for years about becoming astronauts, sent to space to represent the whole planet and conduct scientific research, now anyone (for whom the price of a house is chicken feed) can go to space! Great! One small step backward for man, one giant leap forward for the  Rich Kids of Instagram !

Here is what I assume the one-star Yelp reviews for suborbital space travel will look like in a few years.

★ It was fine I guess but for the same amount of money you can shoot an endangered wolf from a helicopter and to me that’s more fun.

★ No gift shop!

★ On the one hand it is pretty cheap but on the other hand why bother?

★ Captain got mad when I wanted to enter the cockpit to take a picture with him.

★ For what it costs it’s fine but the seats were tiny. I used it as an opportunity to imagine what it would be like if I ever flew commercial!

★ Way better views of Earth from Earth.

★ Wouldn’t let me drive it even though that would have looked a lot cooler in the souvenir photo.

★ Should have gotten a Lamborghini instead :(

★ I was forbidden from bringing my emotional support peacock despite his being very well-behaved. I was so worried about him that I didn’t really enjoy it.

★ Earth looked really small and vulnerable and I couldn’t see any of my parents’ 18 houses.

★ After a while, it was kind of like … we get it, Earth’s a small blue marble floating in the void of space. No bottle service, either.

★ Poor cell reception.

★ Wouldn’t let us get out and didn’t even visit any other planets.

★ Fine but setting fire to my Mercedes on TikTok was more fun and got way better engagement.

★ Thought I was getting a yacht but my dad got us this trip instead. No onboard pool and I felt like a fool showing up in a bathing suit.

★ Try to avoid the free riders. Totally worth it to say you’ve done space, but try to avoid the flights that include people who won a free trip; mine had two of them, and they had their faces pressed up against the glass the whole time saying, “Wow!” and “It looks so small!” and “Can you believe this, can you believe we’re here?” and “We’re so lucky to be alive right now!” and they both started to cry and got too emotional to take a picture of me even though I asked nicely, and it was like, get it together. I might try to go a second time just to see what it’s like without them being so distracting. Probably not worth a third, though.


jrDiscussion - desc
Sophomore Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    5 months ago

Sorry about the formatting, it's a sometimes thing.

Bob Nelson
Professor Expert
2  Bob Nelson    5 months ago

Most of the time, the ultra-rich stay fairly discrete. They don't put their names up, in ten-foot neon lettering, on the mega-yachts they park in the harbor in Monaco. They don't gild their private jets. 

Hey! They don't give a shit what you and I know about them. As long as the other billionaires know how big their yacht is, they're satisfied.

It's all the fault of the newsies! 


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