'Handled Variety Of Tasks,' Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  gregtx  •  8 months ago  •  14 comments

By:   The Onion

'Handled Variety Of Tasks,' Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment
WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, "Handled variety of tasks," on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. "Obviously, I want to give myself a…

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WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, "Handled variety of tasks," on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. "Obviously, I want to give myself a report that makes it sound like I perform a crucial role here, but I also don't want to lie," Harris reportedly said to herself as she sat in her West Wing office and stared at the blank form, eventually resorting to a Googled list of phrases commonly used by employees when evaluating themselves. "Let's see. Oh, that's good—I'll put that I 'used my organizational and problem-solving skills to help others facilitate the achievement of key objectives.' That could mean anything. And I can say, 'Worked in close proximity to the president.' That's technically correct, because the Oval Office is just around the corner and down the hall a ways. 'Reliable' is accurate—I'm on time every morning, and then I'm right here, sitting at this desk, the whole day." According to reports, Harris went on to complete the self-assessment's future goals section by writing that she plans to "continue asking for more high-profile assignments" and to "be prepared to take on more important duties as soon as they are assigned to me."

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GregTx
Junior Participates
1  seeder  GregTx    8 months ago
" According to reports, Harris went on to complete the self-assessment's future goals section by writing that she plans to "continue asking for more high-profile assignments" and to "be prepared to take on more important duties as soon as they are assigned to me."

         jrSmiley_86_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
1.1  Texan1211  replied to  GregTx @1    8 months ago

Kind of surprised she didn't say "Fixed Border Problem Singlehandedly".

 
 
 
MonsterMash
Sophomore Participates
2  MonsterMash    8 months ago

Harris went on to complete the self-assessment's future goals section by writing that she plans to " Carry a clipboard to give the illusion I'm doing something important, not just giggling looking like I'm tweaking on meth"

OIP.jM_bEELFfkTlp2w2gmWSLAAAAA?w=175&h=141&c=7&r=0&o=5&pid=1.7   

 
 
 
MonsterMash
Sophomore Participates
2.1  MonsterMash  replied to  MonsterMash @2    8 months ago

Biden went on to complete the self-assessment's future goals section by writing "C'mon man, I have no idea what I'm doing here"  "how the hell do I know what my future goals are I haven't been told"  "All I know are three things 1: you can't go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent"  2: Obama is the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man" 3: "If you didn't vote for me you're not black" 

 
 
 
Dismayed Patriot
Professor Participates
3  Dismayed Patriot    8 months ago

WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe his work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Mike Pence wrote, "Handled and cleaned a variety of The Presidents used sex toys, but Mother was always by my side so it wasn't sexual in any way," on the self-assessment portion of his annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. "Obviously, I want to give myself a report that makes it sound like I don't bend to Donald's every debased whim, but I also don't want to lie," Pence reportedly said to himself as he sat in his West Wing office and stared at the blank form, eventually resorting to asking Mother for a list of his most positive aspects. "Let's see. Oh, that's good—I'll put that I'm 'a very white Christian conservative who will do and say anything to achieve key objectives like overturning Roe v Wade and turning this nation into a white Christian theocracy.' And I can say, 'Worked in 'close' proximity to the president since my head has been up his ass since the 2016 campaign. Brushing the Presidents shit out of my hair is a four hour job each morning.' That's both technically correct and physically correct, because the 'Oval' Office is just around the corner and down the hall where the sun don't shine.

Oh satire, where you can make up any bullshit you want and put words in people mouths for a partisan laugh.

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
3.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  Dismayed Patriot @3    8 months ago

[Deleted]

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
3.1.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  GregTx @3.1    8 months ago

How did I get a no value ticket for such a nice looking ass?

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
3.2  Texan1211  replied to  Dismayed Patriot @3    8 months ago

Probably been much more effective had you wrote that before this article appeared. You know, if you had made it original, instead of basically copying the format and substituting "Pence" for "Harris".

 
 
 
MonsterMash
Sophomore Participates
3.2.1  MonsterMash  replied to  Texan1211 @3.2    8 months ago
Probably been much more effective had you wrote that before this article appeared. You know, if you had made it original, instead of basically copying the format and substituting "Pence" for "Harris".

Lighten up, DP was just doing like Biden does, you know, plagiarizing That's acceptable in liberal land. 

 
 
 
Dismayed Patriot
Professor Participates
3.2.2  Dismayed Patriot  replied to  Texan1211 @3.2    8 months ago
Probably been much more effective had you wrote that before this article appeared.

My point was that this kind of supposed "satire" isn't really funny. The best satire is taking something that is true or at least partly true and blowing it out of proportion for comedic effect. This just takes a politician that the satire writer apparently dislikes and puts words in their mouths. They might as well have just claimed Kamala Harris was reported as telling a friend at a local restaurant that "white Christian baby meat taste the best when basted with Christian parents tears". It's not satire, it's just bullshit that some partisans might laugh at because it speaks to their whacko conspiracy theories or personally held unfounded beliefs. I doubt many conservatives would have found some Onion piece claiming Donald Trump was reported as saying he "prefers having kinky sex with underage girls who look like Ivanka when she was 12". 

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
3.2.3  JohnRussell  replied to  Dismayed Patriot @3.2.2    8 months ago

Kamala Harris became a designated right wing punching bag. Most of the comments I see about her from the right seem to have very little connection to reality. 

The attacks on her have Rush Limbaugh schtick written all over them. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
3.2.4  Texan1211  replied to  Dismayed Patriot @3.2.2    8 months ago
My point was that this kind of supposed "satire" isn't really funny.

That might have been discernable IF you had actually pointed out any of it in your post. 

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
3.2.5  Texan1211  replied to  JohnRussell @3.2.3    8 months ago
Kamala Harris became a designated right wing punching bag. Most of the comments I see about her from the right seem to have very little connection to reality. 

Much of what she gets is well deserved.

She has consistently seemed out of touch with the issues.

 
 
 
Nowhere Man
Junior Expert
4  Nowhere Man    8 months ago

Sounds to me, (as a person who owned a business and had to read such assessments from time to time) like a person trying to rate their performance in a job that's way above their skill level... Probably why she is constantly walking around with that deer in the headlights look as well...

 
 

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