Mayor Adams Mandates Bike Helmets To Protect New Yorkers From Getting Sucker-Punched

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  gregtx  •  one month ago  •  14 comments

Mayor Adams Mandates Bike Helmets To Protect New Yorkers From Getting Sucker-Punched
NEW YORK CITY — In response to the rising cases of random New Yorkers being sucker-punched by thugs, Mayor Eric Adams has instituted a new city ordinance requiring citizens who leave their home to wear protective helmets.

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



NEW YORK CITY — In response to the rising cases of random New Yorkers being sucker-punched by thugs, Mayor Eric Adams has instituted a new city ordinance requiring citizens who leave their home to wear protective helmets.

"Crime is going up for some unknown reason," Mayor Adams admitted during a scheduled press conference. "But not to worry, I have just the thing!"

Adams unveiled a picture of the new "pedestrian" helmet by removing the curtain he had previously draped over a nearby flip-chart easel. He proudly went over key details about the new helmets and described how they would help protect citizens when they are inevitably sucker-punched.

"David Farkel, New York Post," said David Farkel from the New York Post. "Mr. Mayor, to be clear, are you really saying that everyone needs to wear a bicycle helmet when they leave their homes?"

"Thank you for the question. No, the city will not be requiring what you ask. You see, these are not bicycle helmets," Mayor Adams answered. "Bicycle helmets are for bike riding. These are pedestrian helmets for walking around."

"But aren't they the same helmet?" interjected New York Times reporter Peter Mayhew.

"These come in business black," clarified Adams.

The lone conservative in New York, who lives on 114th Street in Harlem, has been critical of the new mandate. Other citizens have voiced support for their mayor who they say is "at least doing something."

At publishing time, Mayor Adams had been sucker-punched by a homeless convicted serial killer out on bail. The helmet did nothing.


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GregTx
Junior Participates
1  seeder  GregTx    one month ago

384

 
 
 
squiggy
Sophomore Quiet
2  squiggy    one month ago

"These are pedestrian helmets..."

Of course. It would look stupid to wear a blinking red light at a business meeting.

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
2.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  squiggy @2    one month ago

Not to mention distracting as hell...

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
3  Texan1211    one month ago

For anyone still unclear about it:

THIS IS SATIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
3.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  Texan1211 @3    one month ago

Maybe......

 
 
 
Sparty On
Professor Principal
3.1.1  Sparty On  replied to  GregTx @3.1    one month ago

The best satire has a hint of truth to it .......

 
 
 
magicschoolbusdropout
Freshman Principal
3.2  magicschoolbusdropout  replied to  Texan1211 @3    one month ago
THIS IS SATIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahaha .......What ?

 
 
 
Texan1211
Professor Principal
3.2.1  Texan1211  replied to  magicschoolbusdropout @3.2    one month ago
What ?

Just preemptively trying to stave off the usual "Is this satire?" or "This isn't satire" crapola!

 
 
 
magicschoolbusdropout
Freshman Principal
3.2.2  magicschoolbusdropout  replied to  Texan1211 @3.2.1    one month ago
Just preemptively trying to stave off the usual "Is this satire?" or "This isn't satire" crapola!

LOL ! 

256

 
 
 
Nerm_L
Professor Principal
4  Nerm_L    one month ago

Next up will be mandated safety harnesses on subway platforms. 

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
4.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  Nerm_L @4    one month ago

Paint some new lines and everyone gets a 5 foot yoyo?

jrSmiley_86_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
magicschoolbusdropout
Freshman Principal
5  magicschoolbusdropout    one month ago

[jrEmbed module="jrYouTube" youtube_id="-3fB_CqTnDs"]

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
6  seeder  GregTx    one month ago

original

 
 
 
Sparty On
Professor Principal
7  Sparty On    one month ago

Meanwhile, Chicago looks into adding bulletproof vests to their mask mandate .....

 
 

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