Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one week ago  •  20 comments

By:   GREIG OLDFORD - The Beaverton

Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal   mind   and the results are: nothing interesting.

The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world using advanced technologies to shed light on the strikingly mundane day-to-day thoughts of dozens of species, from rats to whales.

“We are extremely excited with the results of our unprecedented collaboration,” said lead scientist Dr. Clarise Evanson. “We were afforded a glimpse deeper into the animal mind than ever before. What we found was banal and unsurprising.”

“For millennia, we have pondered what animals are thinking. Indeed, few pet-owners have not wondered what is going on inside our pet’s mind. I’m proud to announce that our cutting-edge research has found that dogs’ thoughts are exclusively related to food, procreation, and taking a dump on the neighbour’s lawn,” said Dr. Evanson.

As part of the study, a team of Austrian scientists monitored the thoughts of thousands of house cats, concluding that cats’ thoughts are similarly limited. “We found that cats have just six general thoughts: ‘I will destroy this’, ‘This needs to smell like me’, ‘Keep petting me or I will kill you’, ‘I just pooped and I’m excited’, and something that roughly translates to ‘I don’t give a fuuuck.’”

A particularly uninteresting finding resulted from a study that looked into the mind of baleen whales. After analysing nearly five years of continuous brain monitoring data streamed from suction cupped electrodes emitting periodically to a satellite, scientists found that 96% of time the whales were simply thinking “krill, krill, krill, krill, krill.”

Last week, a second scientific team released the findings of a sister study that monitored the brain activity of over 8,000 politicians from around the world and concluded that 93% of politicians’ thoughts roughly translate to “me, me, me, me, me.”


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Hallux
Junior Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one week ago

Next up for these intrepid scientists, online political chat sites with the singular operative of 'my lies are truer than your lies'.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
2  sandy-2021492    one week ago
I’m proud to announce that our cutting-edge research has found that dogs’ thoughts are exclusively related to food, procreation, and taking a dump on the neighbour’s lawn,” said Dr. Evanson.

They missed "You've only been rubbing my belly for an hour straight; why are you stopping?" and "Don't touch my mom or all 18 pounds of me will tear you up!"

“We found that cats have just six general thoughts: ‘I will destroy this’, ‘This needs to smell like me’, ‘Keep petting me or I will kill you’, ‘I just pooped and I’m excited’, and something that roughly translates to ‘I don’t give a fuuuck.’”

They missed "I can see the bottom of my food bowl, and the food around the edges surely is not enough to save me from immediate starvation."

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
3  devangelical    one week ago

"if this place had a cat door and there was a slow trickle of water from the faucet, you'd be dead already..."

R.441795386c7c98796c7fe674a057f5eb?rik=viH2I7ZzXlpr4g&riu=http%3a%2f%2fwww.relatably.com%2fm%2fimg%2fcreate-meme-angry-cat%2fAngry-Cat-Meme-Blank-14.jpg&ehk=uGF8Dy6Ip406KxoZE5IMI0kOJAW0okIzArBhW9%2b0NoA%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw&r=0

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
4  Kavika     one week ago
Last week, a second scientific team released the findings of a sister study that monitored the brain activity of over 8,000 politicians from around the world and concluded that 93% of politicians’ thoughts roughly translate to “me, me, me, me, me.”

That is true except for George Santos AKA George Devolder, he has to decide which me he is if not a meme.

 
 
 
shona1
Junior Participates
5  shona1    one week ago

Morning.. hell they obviously didn't study my cat then..

Peasant stand there and hold the door open at 3am while I make up my mind if I want to go out ..I don't like using the cat flap...

Oh look new cat food to try!! Do hope it cost you heaps, because I don't like it...

Hmmm why are you asleep at 4am, I am awake you should be to. Just let me fix that by putting my claw up you nose!!!

What do you mean you don't like fur all over everything...the carpet, bed, clothes.. it's a privilege to have it...

And the best one, just let me hack up a furball on the carpet..even though the door is open... it's to far for me to walk...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
5.1  sandy-2021492  replied to  shona1 @5    one week ago

I think all of that is covered by

something that roughly translates to ‘I don’t give a fuuuck.’”

It's the same thought that leads one of my cats to look at me, reach for a curtain with his claws out, and slow-motion grab that curtain while staring right in my face as if to say, "Oh, you don't want me to claw the curtains?  I don't give a fuuuck."

He's really lucky he's cute.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
5.1.1  Ender  replied to  sandy-2021492 @5.1    one week ago

I had a cat that use to sit there and stare at me.

I think he was plotting my demise...

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
5.1.2  devangelical  replied to  Ender @5.1.1    one week ago

my black cat mojo would stalk and attack me. I'd mellow his ass out by putting him in the cupboard above the fridge with a shotgun hit or two. then, when he let himself out, he'd rip around the apt for a bit and then crash out. sometimes I would come home from work and he'd be waiting for me in the cupboard.   

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
5.1.3  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @5.1.2    one week ago

My grandpa used to have a cat that I swear was the  meanest bitch ever born.  And sneaky.  She'd rub against your legs, purring and acting like she wanted a pet or ear scratch, and then, when you obliged, flay you with her claws and teeth.

He gave us one of her kittens, and that cat was the second meanest asshole ever born.  Except to my sister, who would share her food with him.  The rest of us had scratches that never had a chance to heal until after he'd disappeared.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
5.1.4  devangelical  replied to  sandy-2021492 @5.1.3    one week ago

my little sister had a big black persian named max that had a bad habit of not letting you know when he had switched from playful to attack mode. I got him all wound up one time and my dad made the mistake of trying to rescue him from me and paid the price with max sinking his fangs into the  meaty part of my dad's hand between the thumb and index finger. what I liked best about that cat is how he terrorized my mom's pomeranian. that dog would scream like he lost a leg whenever that cat got close to him.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
5.1.5  sandy-2021492  replied to  devangelical @5.1.4    one week ago

The asshole kitten had the neighbor's Siberian Huskie terrified of him. It wouldn't come in our yard.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
5.2  Ender  replied to  shona1 @5    one week ago

Sometimes I would wake up from a deep sleep and mine would be sitting on my chest, his face inches from mine, just looking at me...

Now I know why they have that old wives tale about cats stealing children's breath...

He was a big old boy too. He was almost like the movie Marley And Me except  with a cat...

He was a character. Bosco was his name. He lived to be 18.

 
 
 
shona1
Junior Participates
5.2.1  shona1  replied to  Ender @5.2    one week ago

Morning ender...mine does that all the time whilst purring her head off...her eyes glow red at night as she is a ragdoll and has blue eyes.

It's somewhat unnerving when you wake up, can't breathe and a pair of red eyes are 10cms off your nose...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
5.2.2  sandy-2021492  replied to  shona1 @5.2.1    one week ago

The two I have now are the first blue-eyed cats I ever owned (or who owned me), and that whole pink eye thing was very disconcerting at first.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
5.2.3  Ender  replied to  sandy-2021492 @5.2.2    one week ago

I might have thought a demon pig in the closet...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
5.3  Trout Giggles  replied to  shona1 @5    one week ago

I have 2. One that showed up one day and decided we were going to be her family. Mr G called her Charlene. She's a very sweet cat but she likes to bite my fingers if I'm not petting her enough or if I'm not doing it right,

The other one I have nicknamed the One Eye Terrorist. She had an infection and had to have an eye removed. So I adopted her, She can be an angel when she's snuggled up next to me sound asleep but when the Terrorist comes out nothing or nobody is safe. She's still a kitten so I hope she will grow out of it. Her name is Bonny named for Ann Bonny the pirate

 
 
 
al Jizzerror
Junior Expert
6  al Jizzerror    one week ago

Koko gave those scientists "one finger up".

Koko (gorilla)

Hanabiko " Koko " (July 4, 1971 – June 19, 2018) was a female western lowland gorilla . Koko was born in San Francisco Zoo, and lived most of her life at The Gorilla Foundation 's preserve in the Santa Cruz Mountains . The name "Hanabiko" ( 花火子 ) , lit. 'fireworks child', is of Japanese origin and is a reference to her date of birth, the Fourth of July . Koko gained public attention upon a report of her having adopted a kitten as a pet and naming him "All Ball", which the public perceived as her ability to rhyme.

Her instructor and caregiver, Francine Patterson , reported that Koko had an active vocabulary of more than 1,000 signs of what Patterson calls "Gorilla Sign Language" (GSL). This puts Koko's vocabulary at the same level as a three-year-old human. In contrast to other experiments attempting to teach sign language to non-human primates, Patterson simultaneously exposed Koko to spoken English from an early age. It was reported that Koko understood approximately 2,000 words of spoken English, in addition to the signs.  Koko's life and learning process has been described by Patterson and various collaborators in books, peer-reviewed scientific articles, and on a website.

As with other great-ape language experiments, the extent to which Koko mastered and demonstrated language through the use of these signs is debated. The linguist Geoffrey K. Pullum has called Koko's claimed abilities "mythical", writing that she never did more than "flailing around producing signs at random", and criticized much press coverage of Patterson's claims as "sentimental nonsense". ] Koko is said to have understood nouns, verbs, and adjectives, including abstract concepts like "good" and "fake", and was able to ask simple questions. It is generally accepted that she did not use syntax or grammar , and that her use of language did not exceed that of a young human child. However, she scored between 70 and 90 on various infant IQ scales, and some experts, including Mary Lee Jensvold , claim that Koko "[used] language the same way people do".

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
6.1  Ender  replied to  al Jizzerror @6    one week ago

I always loved the apes. The gentle giants. Now the chimps...no thanks...

 
 
 
Hallux
Junior Principal
6.1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Ender @6.1    one week ago

And now for some politically incorrect chimps:

 
 
 
al Jizzerror
Junior Expert
6.1.2  al Jizzerror  replied to  Hallux @6.1.1    6 days ago
politically incorrect chimps

Q:  What do you call a racist chimp?

A:  A Trumpanzee (their MAGA hats give them away).

512

 
 

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