Americans make odd choice to celebrate decision that led them to this point
Category: Satire
Via: hallux • 2 months ago • 2 commentsBy: LUKE GORDON FIELD - The Beaverton
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“UNITED” STATES OF AMERICA – To the surprise of international observers, millions of Americans chose to celebrate the anniversary of their declaration of independence today, despite the fact that this decision has clearly not worked out.
“It’s a bit sad really, seeing them run around with red, white and blue clothing while waving sparklers,” said Canadian Martha MacLeod. “I mean, they must know how things are going for them right?”
“That would be like me celebrating the anniversary of the time I chose to drop out of high school to sell beauty products door to door.”
“I know everyone likes a day off. But couldn’t they celebrate something that actually turned out alright? Like the time they went to the moon. Or the invention of the Twinkie or something?” inquired Irish man David Collins.
Many have taken comfort in the knowledge that most Americans were too drunk and/or full of meat to really think about what they were even celebrating anyway.
“We should probably just let them have it. After all, it’s almost certainly their last 4th of July party.”
At press time, FIREWORKS!
I continue to hold firm to the flimsy possibility that Americans will once again be fluffy.
Happy 4th Of July everyone. I am riding with a group of friends to Mt. Rainier today. Be safe out there.