Why Do So Many Men Think Women Are "Defective" For Being Single?
By: Ossiana Tepfenhart
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Is it that she just "suddenly left," or is it because you're an ass?
Ossiana Tepfenhart Sep 22, 202641Share
Photo by Stephen Harlan on Unsplash
As a feminist author, I love consuming feminist videos on YouTube and TikTok. I also like content creators who tell it like it is when it comes to hetero relationships. Lately, I watched a string of videos showing men who all had the following things in common:
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Their wives left or they noticed women don't want to date men. It was usually after the girl stopped crying, got very quiet, and exhibited all the typical signs of Walkaway Wives. However, not all were Walkaway Wives. Some guys were just remarking on women's singlehood.
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If they were told how to prevent divorce, they straight up said no or waited until it was too late to matter. Yep. This is a thing. Some guys straight up would tell their overworked wives to "deal with it," while their partners were crying. They were somehow shocked that their women left.
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They genuinely believed that the divorce was all on the woman. They thought the woman was broken, all the damn time.
Ever notice how divorce is always pinned on the woman? Or how women are blasted for choosing to be single? What's going on? Let's talk about it.
Statistically, more women than men prefer to remain single.
For the first time in history, women prefer to remain single. 61 percent of women are happy with their single status, versus 45 percent of men, at least according to one study. Oh wait, there's more!
Oh, and as far as women being on the hunt? Yep, nope.
That same survey revealed that 75 percent of single women did not go out of their way to try to find a partner in the last year. Older women and men had especially telling results. Only 19 percent of single men between 45 and 65 were happy single, compared to 32 percent of single ladies.
Singleness is in, and it seems like growing numbers of women are trying to protect their peace. While men are starting to branch off on their own too, the trend is so noticeably female, it's got mainstream media talking.
Statistically, women are more likely to file for divorce than men.
It's a well-known fact that over 70 percent of divorces are filed by women, not men. At first glance, this often suggests that men are more likely to stay in relationships "for better or for worse," but there's a small catch that too many guys don't want to admit.
It's not because women hate families. It's because women reach a point where they can no longer tolerate feeling miserable and unheard in their relationships.
The Secret Of Mental Load
Most women have seen how way too many men "help" in relationships: by waiting to be told what to do, how to do it, and then doing it after being reminded (nagged) a million times. If the guy isn't reminded, it doesn't get done.
In abusive relationships, men will often "pretend" not to know how to do basic tasks like laundry. They may even botch chores just to convince women not to do it again. This is known as weaponized incompetence.
Women in hetero relationships statistically gain far more chores and mental workload than men do. This is true in casual dating relationships as well as when the ring gets slipped on the finger.
So, men generally get the luxury of not having to plan, remember, and note all the little cogs that go into running a home smoothly. It's exceedingly rare that they actually partake in that load without a woman asking.
So, why would they increase their mental workload by being the one to actually file for divorce?
Unequal Benefits
While we're talking about mental workloads, let's talk about the physical one. As I mentioned, women statistically do more for men than the other way around. This is especially true in "trad" marriages as well as dating relationships.
Most women, myself included, have seen men subtly push work onto them. I've had to be the woman to tell men, "I'm neither your maid, nor your mom. I don't like this."
Men come home to a clean home, food on the table, and cared-for kids. If they were single, they may come home to something empty. Maybe some dishes in the sink. They may have to pick up their kids from work or take kids to the doctor after work.
Simply put, a lot of these guys know they are getting a lot of free labor — and will tolerate it, even if they hate their spouse's guts. Men who are in these types of marriages don't necessarily care that their wives are overworked and miserable.
They assume there's a "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness," as they say on Reddit. The men who do this are content , not happy. They can't imagine that their wives would leave…until they do.
They are not miserable enough to choose to file for divorce. Their partners, however, are.
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Finally, this is my own personal note: a lot of guys will abuse women just so that the girl breaks up with them. That way, they can go around saying, "Oh my god, she broke up with me! How could she, that evil woman?!"
They want to be seen as the "good guy" who was dumped. So they will push, and push, and push, until the woman snaps and breaks.
The one thing I've noticed in so many videos is how men often treat women who choose singledom as defective.
So many men online will say things like, "I don't understand! I provided money! I go to work every day to make sure the bills are paid. She just had to stay at home and do X, Y, and Z. How could she leave? Is she crazy?"
A lot of men also seem to be blaming women for checking out of the dating scene. In fact, I regularly hear the same echoes they tell straight women when I tell people that I came out as gay:
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"Well, if you don't marry a man/have kids, you'll be lonely at 50." I'm sure all the women killed by their husbands would say the same thing. So would all the women who leave at 50 as part of the "grey divorce boom," and so would all the women who are stuck in miserable marriages. Surely, there could not be any other alternatives like friends, pets, nieces, and lesbian relationships.
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"But it's in your biology." No, it's not. Even in the animal kingdom, if a female does not find a male she finds appropriate, she'll stay single until she dies.
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"Don't you want a man to take care of you?" I'm sure that all the tradwives who were replaced at 45 would love to have a word with you about how well men take care of women. The tradwife-to-homeless pipeline is real. I even added a video because I want to warn women about relying on another person to care for you.
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"Well, it's not *our* fault you chose wrong." Ever notice how men aren't shamed for "choosing the wrong woman?"
At no point do any of the men who say these things ever seem to sit with themselves and say, "You know, maybe I should look into how I would feel if I experienced the same stuff she did. Would I really *want* to try to date me? Would I *want* to give dating another try?"
They don't.
And to be really honest, most never will reach that point until they realize their entire lives will fall apart. Even then, that realization is often temporary at best.
And there's a reason why.
Sometimes, it's too damn hard to admit that you might be part of a problematic group. It's easy to want to see yourself as a good guy and go, "I can't be that bad, right? I thought this is how it was supposed to go."
The human ego always protects itself from hurt. We don't like to see ourselves as the bad guy. That's why we often justify and minimize the things we do to other people while we slam those who do the same.
As someone who struggles with that, I can say it's hard to overcome that moment.
The biggest indicator of personal growth in a man is seeing how he reacts to single, successful, happy, childfree women. Or even how he reacts to women who turn him down, women who are divorced, or women who just detached from men.
That's usually the sign he's sat with himself and said, "It's not their fault. It's ours — the male collective."
I, personally, want to see more guys like that in my life.
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It doesn't even have to be an abusive relationship. When we first got married, Mr G decided he was going to go out fishing all day without telling me. So I cleaned the house, did the laundry, then sat down and said "fuck dinner". He gets home and wants to know what's for dinner. I didn't lose my shit just then. I just told him he was making it. He pulls out some frozen chicken and all of a sudden he forgets how to use the defrost on the microwave. THEN I lost my shit and told him to figure it out. In the 36 years since then, he has never pretended not to know how do something.
My daughter relies on the olde maxim: Men are stupid, throw rocks at them!
She's a smart one, she is
my daughter has given up after the last 2 relationships. the first guy became a drunk that was running a grow operation in her basement, and the second guy decided he liked doing coke with his employees more than hanging out with her.
Call it a wild shot in the dark, but maybe your daughter needs to examine her selection criteria in a mate?
she's an adult and it's her life, not mine. I'm just thankful that she never chose an insufferably pathetic bible thumper ...
But...but...she's just a girl! Why aren't you as her father running her life????
... as if.
I raised her to be able to protect herself from males that were like me when I was younger. the ex was telling me how proud she was of our daughter being so much more assertive and aggressive than she was, after our daughter carved $40K off the price of her mother's new townhouse at the closing. my comment was "you're welcome", referring to the genetic boost to her family's genetics, and "get out your checkbook". my daughter gave me a smirk of appreciation and the ex didn't talk to me for 2 weeks.
my daughter, even as the youngest of the family, pretty much runs things. her house is paid for this year, her cars are paid for, and she runs a multi-million dollar commercial construction company for some guy that thinks she walks on water. I have created a ruthless and feared 120 lb bully that can juggle chainsaws effortlessly and has been nationally recognized in her industry for her thinking outside the box innovations. she's a way better professional version of me ...
I taught the ex how to cook and do laundry, since my priorities were basically carnal. I lost my shit when I found out $20K+ was missing from our savings account, after watching groceries go from the fridge to the trash, because "the kids only want to eat fast food". working nights, I was only home for dinner maybe 1 or 2 nights a week for most of my 3 kids lives. my marriage ended soon after I started cashing my paychecks and locking the leftover cash into my gun safe, after paying the bills, while she still got to keep her entire paycheck.
Wow...I am so sorry. Both of us could cook and do laundry when we got married, but he was married before and I lived on my own for a long time after leaving my parent's home. Glad you got out of that nightmare
Without single women who would single men date?
Married women...lol
Good question!
But in some cases single men are not "straight"-- so I would assume that if these single men were gay,...they would probably not date either single women or married women!
My wife and I had many "Gay Friends". We enjoyed them because they were creative and fun to be around. In my earlier days, I was involved with theater, comedy, and writing.
My wife was a school teacher, then a principal, and finally a
Director of Refugee kids from Ukraine, Russia, Africa, South America, Mexico, etc., until TRUMP and his sycophantic bums shut down these programs to assault these kids and their families.
TRUMP must be removed ASAP. His Putin-inspired ICE ARMY of Killers is infiltrating every state in America, killing America, raping women who are located up in an ICE facility, and torturing men, women, and children with their cruelty.
Contact your Representatives and Senators and "Rip Them a New One" for taking so damn long to prevent these atrocities.
We need STRONG WOMEN to slap down these Beasts of Prey!
somebody I lived with didn't like the way I mowed the lawn, because I didn't mow it like it was a f'n putting green, so I stopped mowing the lawn. same thing with the fucking vacuuming and it's wheel marks ...
Trout Giggles:
You are one STRONG, INTELLIGENT, CREATIVE woman. It is enlightening to read your posts.
My wife is 76; I am 84.9 years, we have been married for 50 years and were together for two years before we got married.
I enjoy your rich, powerful, strong comments. You tell it like it is! Thanks!
Thank you very much! I enjoy your posts, also
I don't.
Self Esteem - Offspring
Me neither. At first I thought the author simply misspelled "Effective".
I don't either. And in fact, neither do most of the men I know.
Maybe if someone experiences so many men that think that single women are defective-- maybe their hangin' out with the wrong sort of crowd!
I'm pretty much confirmed single now. I divorced in 2010, dated a few guys, didn't find dating to be worth it, and am now happy at home with my cats. If I'm a cliche, so be it. I'm happy as a cliche. I can have popcorn for dinner without anybody nagging me to cook. I do laundry when the hamper is full, and not when somebody else runs out of clean work shirts. The whole bed is mine. Well, as much as the cats allow, anyway.
Morning.. been single all my life and thoroughly enjoy it..
Do what I want, when I like and answer to no one, other than the cat..
Many of my friends have been married and divorced and all been taken to the cleaners in one way or another..
One is living in a converted train carriage after her husband had an affair and she was left to bring up two young boys..he never paid a cent in maintenance..
Another he has been taken to the cleaners twice and his third marriage is on rocky ground..
I am very comfortable in my own company and enjoy a quiet and peaceful life..and that's just the way i like it..🐨
My sister never married, either, and isn't likely to. She said the idea of making room for somebody in her life now is just too much. She's a travel physician assistant, and that would be pretty difficult to do if she were married, and even harder with kids. But even when she wasn't travelling for work, she just liked living alone. She sold her house once she started this job, and stays with our parents between assignments, and finds it difficult to share living space.
geez, I can't believe I'm passing on the opportunity of making 2 smart ass insults in one thread ...
Morning Vangy..go your hardest always happy to respond in my usual delicate way..
You feeling under the weather?
Arvo..seeing Vangy 16 hours behind us he is a bit slow on the up take..😁
Ahh the joys..🦘
Only two?
I've misplaced my 70's misogyny and sexist wit ...
I don't have that experience.
Did you ever consider the possibility that you could pick different types of people for friends?
Nope never..one I have known since we were in primary school, another I have known for 30 odd years, another for 40 odd years..so they are true friends not passing acquaintances...
Just they were unfortunate in their choices even though at the time they thought it was for life..
But somewhere along the line $$ seem to get caught up in things, the solicitors and then courts and then no one wins...
I don't see anything wrong
I find it odd that all women hear is that they should get married & have kids - and that men feel trapped whenever they get married - women trap men into marriage - THEN when women see the up side to staying single - NOW they are defective. Makes me think that some men just like playing the victim.
Hubby & I have been married for 41 years - neither my daughter or my son have any wish to get married. They do not see any benefit from it.
It seems to be a matter of personal perspective.
I don't feel that judgement is usually possible over a single aspect of a person's existence. As a matter of fact, this article seems to be not just pointing out a problem, but amplifying and denigrating the seemingly normal variation in the conditions of being human. In other words, I don't see a real problem here. There may be certain individuals who do fit the description that the author gives, but I don't know if they are as prevalent as one would have you think... I could just be old and out of touch, though.
Thus why I said some men. All I can attest to is what I have seen. My daughter was told she would change her mind on getting married and having kids. My son was applauded for his decision. So in my experience and mine alone - women are held to two different things - men not so much.
Does anyone really believe society is any less judgy of single men?
Evidently.
Men who "fall short" in some areas in women's eyes are called "losers". It goes both ways.
I have been reading so much on the Cornell incident and the comments read a lot like things here and I find it disturbing. The "not all men" justification that ran through those comments seem to be appearing here. If you read the title is says "so many men" not ALL men. The excuse machine is abundant when it comes to denigrating and abusing women. If not excuses you get the "what about" shit talking about women that kill their children - as if we condone that. In my experience the excuse makers tend to be men. (NOT ALL MEN).
For all the tender hearts here - I apologize in advance - that Cornell thing has really got me reliving a very difficult time in my past - and the excuses and misplaced blame still hurts and leaves me raw today.