Veronica

Dark Thoughts - A RANT

  
By:  Veronica  •  Generic  •  2 months ago  •  58 comments

Dark Thoughts - A RANT
All Consuming....

I am worried.  Normally I can shrug things off more easily than I am able to at this moment.  Everything appears to be crashing around me & I have gotten caught up in the wave.

My husband, daughter and I are joining in on a family trip (my sister, one of her daughters and her family, my nephew and his family) to grand old Kentucky to see my 87 year old mother the second week in August. When we first began the planning it was just going to be that group celebrating with my mother at the house I booked for all of us.  Thank goodness my other niece & her fundamentalists family cannot afford to go ( there is no way in HELL I could deal with that shit for a week).  The problem that has come up is now my brother (who lives in Kentucky) & his family are joining us for the celebration.  We have not gotten along in decades - he is a fucking hypocrite of the first order.  Claims to be all conservative & shit, supports the family morals crap, but fucks my best friend whenever he is in NY.  He never goes to any Church service and he & his wife belong to a nudist camp.  

The thing that has gotten me so pissed off is because he is coming my family cannot partake in the festivities because the fucker refuses to mask & has not been vaccinated.  Then I have to disinfect everything when he leaves.  As many of you know my daughter is immune compromised and I will not take a chance on her health.  But does he give a shit - hell no, as long as he gets the adulation from my sister all is good. 

If that was all that has blown up in my life I would not be so deep into the dark thoughts.  My supervisor & my co-worker have retired in the past 6 months & I am doing all our work.  The person that was hired to replace my supervisor does not have the skills to be a programmer and frankly does not even know programming languages.  He refuses to approve my time so I have to go to the financial guy in our department to do it so I can get paid.  Then there is this other data collecting guy (not even in our department) that thinks he is my boss.  He keeps telling me how things are going to be in the future of our department & says he will decide what reports are important enough to run AND he doesn't even work for our department.  I have been putting in resumes all over the medical center I work, but so far I have "not selected" for even a fucking interview.  I have been here for 14 fucking years & this fuck can come in & tell me how to do my job when he doesn't work for the department????  AND the topper - the department administrator sent me an email, thanking me for all the good work & she was please to announce I got a raise for merit.  70 CENTS - 70 fucking cents for doing the work of three people & to be placed beneath a fucking moron that doesn't know how to program when the job is "Senior Programmer".  

I have tried to keep this from affecting all of the aspects of my life, but am failing miserably.  I have found myself wishing bad things on people.  This goes against everything Wicca has taught me.  I am not finding comfort in my meditation, in my rituals, or nature.  I am angry.  VERY angry and I am frustrated.  I don't like myself right now (well, I have never really liked myself - but now it is less liking).  Dark thoughts are consuming me and with them the thought of dark spells.  

I was hoping getting this out would help...I guess it is a wait & see.

 

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Veronica
Masters Expert
1  author  Veronica    2 months ago

I do not feel like myself & I don't like it.

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
PhD Quiet
1.1  igknorantzrulz  replied to  Veronica @1    2 months ago

That to me, is a good thing, and sign. Very sorry to hear of your dilemmas, 

as i know of so many in dark places presently. I believe for many, our countries divisive split, is ever present. It has certainly seemed to have come between many and myself. There is not much good going on in the lives of so many people i know, including mine, but such is life. There will be ups, and certainly downs, but you will get through. We all will. Just can't seem to get better soon enough...

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.1.1  author  Veronica  replied to  igknorantzrulz @1.1    2 months ago

Nice to know I am not the only one.

 
 
 
evilgenius
PhD Guide
1.1.2  evilgenius  replied to  Veronica @1.1.1    2 months ago

No, you are not alone.

 
 
 
evilgenius
PhD Guide
1.2  evilgenius  replied to  Veronica @1    2 months ago

Yes, I've been at the brink too. Sorry to hear you're going through all this bullshit. Sending good energy your way.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.2.1  author  Veronica  replied to  evilgenius @1.2    2 months ago

Thanks for the positive energy.  It is very much needed.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
1.3  Trout Giggles  replied to  Veronica @1    2 months ago

You are never alone.

I understand having dark thoughts

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.3.1  author  Veronica  replied to  Trout Giggles @1.3    2 months ago

I have had them before, but not this deep nor this dark.  I have not felt such hatred as I do right now.  Such anger - anger strong enough to wish bad things for people.  That is something I have not done nor felt before.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
1.3.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Veronica @1.3.1    2 months ago

Would looking to your inner Goddess help?

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.3.3  author  Veronica  replied to  Trout Giggles @1.3.2    2 months ago

I have really been trying - that is my major problem right now - it's like I can't get in touch with anything calming and loving.  Too much falling on me right now.

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
1.3.4  pat wilson  replied to  Veronica @1.3.1    2 months ago

I see it and feel it too. A lot of hate and anger out there right now. Not sure what the answer is.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
1.3.5  cobaltblue  replied to  Veronica @1.3.3    2 months ago
Too much falling on me right now.

Which leads to feeling helpless. Women generally don't do well with helplessness. We're fixers by nature.

I hate this for you, Veronica. Some people lean on "this too shall pass." Yeah, well, kidney stones get passed too but they hurt like all hell. And Mr. Rogers never prepared you for your work neighborhood (those unappreciative bastards).

I'm glad you shared this with us. You're a queen, and your princes and princesses here are here walking this walk with you. You're not alone. And having an asshole relative ... well, you're not alone there. I wish patience and strength could be bought. I'd start a trust fund for you. 

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
1.3.6  cobaltblue  replied to  Veronica @1.3.1    2 months ago
That is something I have not done nor felt before.

I had two friends visiting me for ten days; we worked together in the 70's and 80's in Los Angeles. One is of a differing political party. She said something that was so offensive to me, I saw fuckin' red. I went into my honey's office and whispered "I want her out of my house right now!" I also told our mutual friend the same thing. I'm so angry about things out of my control ... and it's the same tone everywhere. I didn't let on to my poor dear friend I was that livid. I realized I went from zero to a billion in a nanosecond and by the following day, I had calmed considerably. I am still surprised at the ignorance of some. I just don't do well with stupid people. Folks used to call that "I don't suffer fools."

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
1.3.7  pat wilson  replied to  cobaltblue @1.3.5    2 months ago
And having an asshole relative ... well, you're not alone there.

Amen to that !!!!

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.3.8  author  Veronica  replied to  pat wilson @1.3.4    2 months ago

I wouldn't mind it so much if it would pass as usual, but right now it is just simmering.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.3.9  author  Veronica  replied to  cobaltblue @1.3.5    2 months ago
And Mr. Rogers never prepared you for your work neighborhood (those unappreciative bastards).

This made me chuckle.  Thank you.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.3.10  author  Veronica  replied to  cobaltblue @1.3.6    2 months ago

My BFF and I got into it because on FB she used the phrase "those damn DIMS" meaning Democrats.  I responded and told her that she was displaying the typical Republican childishness.  To say that pissed her off is putting it mildly.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.4  devangelical  replied to  Veronica @1    2 months ago

you need a new job. get your name out there online. don't limit yourself. look for work at home options in your skill-set. plan your escape and get all of what your future former employers owe you. get a new job and give your notice, if so inclined. let the unqualified and incompetent assume your prior workload with the least amount of warning.

except for my kids, my closest relative is like 300 miles away. if you're the one that paid for that place to stay, tell your brother to find his own place and uninvite him and then tell him why. due to the CoC, you'll have to PN me for advice on how to communicate most effectively with your brother's psychological type. do you own a handgun? /s

you're strong here, you can do it out there. sorry, what I lack for in compassion I make up for in simple solutions to seemingly complex problems.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.4.1  author  Veronica  replied to  devangelical @1.4    2 months ago
do you own a handgun? /s

Just long guns.jrSmiley_7_smiley_image.png

He should only be coming for dinner since he lives in the town where my mother does (she hasn't seen him in 2 years).  

I can and will go off on him and that doesn't bother me so much - he is a dick.  What has gotten to me is this relentless anger that has taken over my life.  I can't seem to get it out.  Think I may do some scream therapy tonight and some smudging as Kavika suggested.

Thank you for the kick in the ass.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
1.4.2  author  Veronica  replied to  devangelical @1.4    2 months ago

Oh & I have been looking for a new position.  I will miss the health benefits from working here, but hubby told me "fuck em - get out".  So I am working on it.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.4.3  devangelical  replied to  Veronica @1.4.2    2 months ago

yeah, I don't see how working in that kind of environment could be good for your long term health.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
2  Kavika     2 months ago

I don't think that you are alone in some of your dilemmas, I would guess that most everyone has a cross to bear. When someone acts or treats me like crap I simply tell them to fuck off, family or not. Since I'm retired the work frustration is no longer present. 

At times I just go to the garage and ''smudge''. that really helps. 

You do not have to be a native to smudge, Veronica.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
2.1  cobaltblue  replied to  Kavika @2    2 months ago
Since I'm retired the work frustration is no longer present. 

December 31, 2021 was my Freedom Day. I'm beyond thrilled. Can't wait for Veronica's retirement day. 

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
2.1.1  charger 383  replied to  cobaltblue @2.1    2 months ago

Good for you!  Hope you enjoy it

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
2.1.2  cobaltblue  replied to  charger 383 @2.1.1    2 months ago
Hope you enjoy it

It's amazing and I'm livin' the high life. The stress from no longer commuting is a gift itself. 

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
2.1.3  author  Veronica  replied to  cobaltblue @2.1    2 months ago

Congrats..... I have quite a few years to go.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
2.2  author  Veronica  replied to  Kavika @2    2 months ago
t times I just go to the garage and ''smudge''. that really helps. 

I am planning on it in my alter room tonight.  Thanks for the idea.

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
3  charger 383    2 months ago

  Veronica, sorry you are having too many problems.  If you can tap it I have some extra positive energy I can give you. 

Hope things get better 

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
3.1  author  Veronica  replied to  charger 383 @3    2 months ago

Thanks.  I will take all the positive energy I can.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
4  Buzz of the Orient    2 months ago

Wish there were something I could do or say that would help, but I can't come up with anything effective.  Seems like at least one thing would be your being lucky enough to find another employer who would appreciate your efforts.  Obviously your present employer doesn't deserve you. 

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
4.1  author  Veronica  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4    2 months ago

Thanks, Buzz.  I am putting myself out there every where.  I am sure something will drop in my lap as this job did.  

 
 
 
bbl-1
Professor Quiet
5  bbl-1    2 months ago

Welcome to Supply Side, religion bearing, liars and crooks get away with everything America.

As far as most things though, the best and simplest explanation is---MAGA is a social disorder.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
5.1  cobaltblue  replied to  bbl-1 @5    2 months ago
MAGA

My Attorneys Got Arrested.

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
5.1.1  pat wilson  replied to  cobaltblue @5.1    2 months ago

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
5.1.2  author  Veronica  replied to  cobaltblue @5.1    2 months ago

jrSmiley_4_smiley_image.png

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
5.2  author  Veronica  replied to  bbl-1 @5    2 months ago

Too true...

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
6  CB     2 months ago

It is the realization of the futility of this moment. That something really wrong has "ascended" from a pit and is besetting the nation. I had to laugh today when I went into the 99 Cents Store and saw 7.99 bag of cookies. I guffawed out loud! And then we come together here and there is no relief from chaosmen driving discussions into the toilet. There are pawns in a game in here who are playing games with other people's realities-the seat of where we draw comfort and meaning-in a country that is not being allowed to continue to progress on its own.

I feel it too. The strain of setback. The time that is being wasted. The thoughts that something good was supposed to be happening across the board and instead-this 'internal' whirlwind whipping up doubt which can (if we don't do something) turn into despair.

But I won't leave you in despair. Possess July! Make this month, this place, better by doing whatever you need to keep in contact with all you know is good within you. Admonish fools. Disperse idiots. If you must entertain "ruffians" - do so with a smile on your face. And, wear a mask, two if you feel comfortable and consider disinfecting an honor to get around to - once 'trouble' has packed up and moved on.

"Invest" in a good multivitamin or supplement that will even your mood without lowering your 'guard' around people who dare fate!

Peace and blessing to you. I send you all the strength I can spare right now. . . . .

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
6.1  author  Veronica  replied to  CB @6    2 months ago

Your words are a balm on my essence.  Thank you.  And I am going to take your advice.

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
7  pat wilson    2 months ago

Stay in touch.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
7.1  author  Veronica  replied to  pat wilson @7    2 months ago

 I shall.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
8  sandy-2021492    2 months ago

Big vaxxed and masked hug to you and your daughter, Veronica.  And I hope your employer sees your value and comes to their senses about the non-programmer.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
8.1  author  Veronica  replied to  sandy-2021492 @8    2 months ago

Thanks, sandy...  funny thing... I told them this morning that my projected year end vacation time will be way above the cut off line for roll over so I told them the weeks I will be taking off between now and the end of year.  The ass panicked & sputtered, but I told him I would go to HR if I am denied my vacation time.  I haven't taken any this year because of the retirements & I am not giving up 4 weeks of my benefits.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
8.1.1  devangelical  replied to  Veronica @8.1    2 months ago

I'm surprised they didn't offer you payment in lieu of. if they do ask for way more and then settle for more than you would have gotten, and then demand it in writing...

 
 
 
Thomas
Sophomore Guide
9  Thomas    2 months ago

Have you tried turning your employer off and then back on again? Sometimes that fixes things... :D

Blessings be upon you.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
9.1  author  Veronica  replied to  Thomas @9    2 months ago

I was thinking of "re"booting him.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Sophomore Participates
9.2  cobaltblue  replied to  Thomas @9    2 months ago
off and then back on again? Sometimes that fixes things... :D

I want to vote that up ten times!

 
 
 
Dulay
Professor Principal
10  Dulay    2 months ago

IMHO, you should tell your brother to fuck off. Don't let he or his family enter the home you are renting. YOU set the standards. Any family member that would try and insist on participating in the festivities while refusing to protect your daughter is an asshole. PERIOD, full stop. 

As for the work thing, it sucks when a company places an inferior supervisor over an employee who excels at their job. 

Perhaps sending emails that include all of the principles, especially the 'department administrator', stating that while you appreciate the 'merit raise' and the fact that the 'guy in finance' has stepped to help, you are having issues with getting paid for work performed, which at present are the duties of three people, while receiving confusing instruction by multiple supervisors.  Request that at minimum they provide you with an authorized [dept. admin. sign off] schedule of program priorities each week. It seems there is an internal war going on and bringing it out into the open may cause TPTB to step up and mitigate the problem. Or not. But at least you are on record stating the issues and offering a remedy. 

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
10.1  author  Veronica  replied to  Dulay @10    2 months ago
you should tell your brother to fuck off.

I most likely will.  He is such a dick.

ending emails that include all of the principles, especially the 'department administrator'

I did that this morning when I sent them my vacation time for the rest of the year.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
10.1.1  devangelical  replied to  Veronica @10.1    2 months ago

extremely graphic death threats towards stubborn family members always work best for me. /s

 
 
 
Freewill
Junior Participates
11  Freewill    2 months ago
I am worried.  Normally I can shrug things off more easily than I am able to at this moment.  Everything appears to be crashing around me & I have gotten caught up in the wave.

Not to diminish what you are going through Veronica, but this is something I'm willing to bet that all of us have felt at various times in our lives to one degree or another.  And I bet we all have loved ones whom we have helped get through such times as well.   I have confidence that you will find the positive energy to overcome these issues as you have already taken the best first step, which is to explain how you feel and discuss it with those who wish to listen and to help. 

Speaking from my own experience, I have suffered from such feelings several times in my life, and at least twice it was my Dad who helped me with this advice, "You can only change the things you can reasonably control, and the way you look at the things you can't".  I remember this advice pissing me off because at the time I was thinking that my Dad was a big part of the problems in my life.  But then I really thought about what he said, I started to really think about what was weighing on me the most and what I could do to change it, or at least change the way I viewed it. I found that sometimes when I felt that things were crashing all around me, I could view them instead as opportunities to make things better.  I think it is in my nature to resist change, or at least be skeptical about change, to the point where sometimes it keeps me from seeing that change can be good, and that I can be part of making it good.

I know it doesn't sound easy, but I think maybe talking to your brother about how you really feel, and to your boss might really help.   Sounds to me like you are already moving down that path, which is good.  You ARE the light in the darkness Veronica, don't forget that.

 
 
 
mocowgirl
Professor Quiet
12  mocowgirl    2 months ago

(((((((((((Veronica)))))))))

Do whatever it takes to gain and maintain your sense of self and peace.  Find an appropriate vessel to release the negative energy.  I believe that is one reason that I have always enjoyed thunderstorms.  

Envision yourself encased in a protective bubble of all that is good in nature - the sun, the moon, the stars, the gentle breeze that plays with the dandelions and the butterflies.

Watch videos that amuse you and just forget about worrying for just a few minutes until you can do it for at least a few hours.  Baby steps are still steps.  

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
12.1  CB   replied to  mocowgirl @12    2 months ago

That is some really good visualization advice. It is good advice about getting 'mileage' out of every moment that you can-until balance is refreshed. Also, it reminds me of something I had recently forgotten in my own 'journey' through distressing, pounding, events: Comedy. Go on Youtube (it's free and private) find a/your very funny comedian and laugh deeply, richly, and until the tears (of joy) run down. I call those laughs, "belly-gushers" - because they rock you from head to toe!   :):):)

I have some choice ones for you, but they are adult comedians and the language is coarse ("real). So, I can provide or let you take it on for yourself!

 
 
 
mocowgirl
Professor Quiet
12.1.1  mocowgirl  replied to  CB @12.1    2 months ago
I have some choice ones for you, but they are adult comedians and the language is coarse ("real). So, I can provide or let you take it on for yourself!

Thanks for the nice reply and the offer.  My comedy taste runs to sarcastic, ironic and situational that does not rely on coarse language or shock to entertain.

Several years ago, Grump in NM shared the following video (on Newsvine, probably).  I literally laughed till I cried the first half dozen times I watched it.  It still amuses me, but it's main value is reminding me of a gentle soul I used to know online.

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
12.1.2  CB   replied to  mocowgirl @12.1.1    2 months ago

Wow! That is funny and also. . .art! And. . . a bit coarse and shocking. All ingredients in a belly gusher! Stellar. I had a ball laughing!

 
 
 
mocowgirl
Professor Quiet
12.1.3  mocowgirl  replied to  CB @12.1.2    2 months ago
a bit coarse

My preferred limit of coarse.  I watched Deadwood and semi-enjoyed it, but honestly prefer Masterpiece Theatre on PBS.

and shocking.

I'm curious.  What did you find shocking?

All ingredients in a belly gusher! Stellar. I had a ball laughing!

Glad you enjoyed it.  I have shared this video with my offline friends.  Some were amused, some weren't.

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
12.1.4  CB   replied to  mocowgirl @12.1.3    2 months ago

The "female parts" ("coochie") itchy and the farm animals "coochie itch" . . . And the butt 'teasers' . . 'Totally unexpected.'  I was not expecting that in a Western. But the performers faces are spot on.

 
 
 
CB
Professor Principal
12.1.5  CB   replied to  CB @12.1.4    2 months ago

Okay, so now that my arm has been twisted: here is a little eye-watering comedy set from Tiffany Haddish:

CAUTION: Language. Sexual.  Off the Chain.

Tiffany Haddish • Snoop Dogg Bad Girls of Comedy • FULL SET • Part 1 | LOLflix

Not for everybody, just the cool NTers! Yes, Christians need to crack a laugh too!

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Freshman Principal
13  Drinker of the Wry    2 months ago

Thanks mocowgirl, a great absurdist comedy.  The narrator, Nick Offerman was very clever.