Paleolithic Pornography Discovered

By:  al Jizzerror  •  3 weeks ago  •  14 comments

Paleolithic Pornography Discovered
"The statuettes remind me of Lizzo."

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Stone Age Venus figurines are the Earliest Examples of 3D Porn


The article below is an indication of how uptight PhDs pretend not to notice that all of the statuettes are naked women with huge breasts and gigantic butts.   My theory is that the many of the women depicted in the figurines were the girlfriends of Stone Age rap artists.

The Venus figurines are statuettes depicting obese women that, up until now, were thought to have been associated with fertility and beauty. A recent study published in "Obesity" has suggested instead that the figurines are totems of survival in extreme conditions.

Unlike the challenges of global warming people face today, humans 38,000 to 14,000 years ago struggled with colder temperatures due to advancing glaciers.

Fat is a form of stored energy, said study author Dr. Richard Johnson, Tomas Berl professor of medicine at the University of Colorado School of Medicine, and that fat can be lifesaving when food is not available, especially to pregnant women.

"Our studies suggest these figurines did not represent sexual totems, or a representation of male desire, but rather as a means for providing strength to motherhood even in the most adverse situations," Johnson said.

The researchers took waist-hip and waist-shoulder measurements of all known Venus figurines, which were found over hundreds of years across Europe and western Russia. After comparing the measurements to the geographical locations of where each sculpture was found, the team discovered that the more obese figurines were found further north near the glaciers.

If "Global Cooling" caused women to have such overinflated figures, maybe "Global Warming" isn't such a bad thing after all.  The archeologists also discovered inscriptions on the bottom of some of the figurines.  One inscription was:"I like big butts and I cannot lie".  The inscription on another figurine was:  "Baby got back".  A third inscription was:  "Big old titties".

It's quite evident that the statuettes are intended to be pornographic.  Take a close look at the detail of the vagina on this figurine.  The sculpture features open labia and even a hooded clitoris.  The breasts lack prominent nipples butt they are extremely large.  The faces are hidden to protect the identities of the models.


I think there is even evidence that these Stone Age artists were into anal sex.  Anal sex kinda stinks butt who am I to judge ancient kink?


Please notice that the statue is propped up using the anus.

I don't know why the archeologists ignored the obvious sexual nature of the figurines.  I think some intellectuals have sticks up their butts just like the statuette above.  They should take out their butt sticks and admit that humans have always enjoyed porn.  I know these statuettes don't seem so sexy now, butt those women were probably very desirable 38,000 years ago.



jrGroupDiscuss - desc
al Jizzerror
Sophomore Expert
1  author  al Jizzerror    3 weeks ago
Baby Got Back - by Sir Mix-a-Lot
Oh my God Becky, look at her butt
It is so big, she looks like
One of those rap guys' girlfriends
But, ya know, who understands those rap guys?
They only talk to her, because
She looks like a total prostitute, okay?
I mean, her butt, it's just so big
Uh, I can't believe it's just so round, it's like out there
I mean, uh, gross, look
She's just so, black
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, want to pull up tough
'Cause you noticed that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes (me, me so horny)
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you want to get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen her dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas (yeah) fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah)
Tell 'em to shake it (shake it) shake it (shake it)
Shake that healthy butt
Baby got back (L.A. face with the Oakland booty)
Baby got back (L.A. face with the Oakland booty)
(L.A. face with the Oakland booty)
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get ya home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I want to get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna (uh)
'Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around, stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back
Baby got back
Yeah, baby, when it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection
Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six
Ha ha, only if she's 5'3
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers want to play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it, Miss Thing
Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to diss
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round
And you want a triple X throwdown
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
Baby got back
Source:  LyricFind
Songwriters: Anthony L. Ray
Baby Got Back lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Professor Principal
2  Kavika     3 weeks ago

Yes indeed, size matters.

Professor Guide
3  1stwarrior    2 weeks ago

Hey - whatever floats your boat.  I mean, EVERYBODY knows that those statuettes are fertility goddesses - that is, anyone who actually tries to understand what they mean/represent.

Just sayin'

al Jizzerror
Sophomore Expert
3.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  1stwarrior @3    2 weeks ago
EVERYBODY knows that those statuettes are fertility goddesses

Yes, and EVERYBODY knows that "fertility" has nothing to do with SEX, right?

Be careful when you sit down (that stick might hurt).

Just sayin'.

Paula Bartholomew
Professor Guide
4  Paula Bartholomew    2 weeks ago

I went to the King Tut exhibit in SF and took a really close look at the figures on one vase.  It was Egyptian porn.  As I began to laugh, others began to crack up also once they realized why I was laughing.

al Jizzerror
Sophomore Expert
4.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @4    2 weeks ago

I noticed that the "actors" depicted in ancient Egyptian porn are unbelievably well endowed.

Modern male porn stars are well endowed butt they seem tiny in comparison those hung Egyptians.


Split Personality
PhD Principal
5  Split Personality    2 weeks ago

Lots of ancient Greek pottery cannot be displayed in public.

Just sayin'.


al Jizzerror
Sophomore Expert
5.1  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  Split Personality @5    2 weeks ago

Ancient Greeks must have enjoyed group sex.


Modern Greeks are kinda kinky too.  Here is a modern Greek plate that features a transsexual:


Professor Principal
5.1.1  devangelical  replied to  al Jizzerror @5.1    2 weeks ago

crap. art history sounded boring, so I skipped it.

Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom
Professor Expert
5.1.2  Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom  replied to  devangelical @5.1.1    2 weeks ago

I tried to tell you that art history wasn't boring, but nooooooooooooooooo, you wouldn't believe me.

Professor Principal
5.1.3  devangelical  replied to  Sister Mary Agnes Ample Bottom @5.1.2    2 weeks ago

no problem. we can leapfrog into the digital 21st century with our cell phones.

al Jizzerror
Sophomore Expert
5.1.4  author  al Jizzerror  replied to  devangelical @5.1.3    2 weeks ago
we can leapfrog

The Greeks had their own form of "leapfrog".


Professor Principal
5.1.5  devangelical  replied to  al Jizzerror @5.1.4    2 weeks ago

I was wondering what those 3 guys that disappeared over the weekend were doing...

Professor Expert
6  Tacos!    2 weeks ago

It is interesting that when you learn about these kinds of thing in school, they insist - without any real justification - that these figurines are all about religious belief somehow and couldn’t possibly have any erotic component. Because you know, primitive people never simply got horny.


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