First golf game
First golf game
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie “You’ve got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!”.
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
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Thanks to my brother again. Hope this will give you your first laugh out loud of the day.
If you enjoyed at least a smile, please vote up this article and post a comment. Maybe you have a golf joke to add.
Glad you liked it - thanks for the bump.
A married couple is lying in bed and talking about their future.
Wife: “Babe, if I die, will you marry again?”
Husband: “Of course not.”
Wife: “I think you would.”
Husband: “Fine, I probably will.”
Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “Yeah, probably, I guess.”
Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No way, she is left-handed.”
****
An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.
With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the States, we call that a mulligan . What do you call it here in Ireland?”
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
****
John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s scorekeeping. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, ”What’d you have?”
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.”
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”
John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.”
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”
****
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
****
Nick was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary . Molly, his wife, told him, 'Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat.'
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for Nick have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.
****
Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick 18 holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
Alex comments to Jim, 'Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?' Jim gets about halfway there, turns, and comes back so Alex asks, 'What's wrong?'
Jim replies, 'One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.' Alex responds, 'That could be a problem. I'll go over and have a word.'
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. So Jim says, 'What's wrong?'
Alex murmurs, 'Small world.'
****
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today’s Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... "
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it, Sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him, dear......."
****
Have a happy and super day on the links
Thanks for adding more jokes, appreciated.
Woke up this morning to see that what I would have thought would be a welcome laugh during tough times was WIPED OFF THE FRONT PAGE WITHIN HALF A DAY, but now it's back so thanks to those who support and enjoy a little humour during the day.
Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day a funeral procession drives by the course. One man says to the others: “Stop and remove your hats, gentlemen. Show some respect.”
One of the other men asks what’s got into him. “I have never seen you show anybody any respect.”
The first man replies: “Well I was married to her for 65 years.”
........................................................................
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the ladies’ tee box.”
The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud speaker.
The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: “We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the ladies’ tee box!”
To which the man turns around and yells: “And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!”
Thanks for the jokes - the more the merrier.