Zombies, Supernatural Monsters, and You. A guide to your survival.
Halloween is a busy time for us professional zombie exterminators, andbefore the onslaughtthat is coming, a period of minimal zombie activity is leaving me a few moments to help all of you poor civilians prepare for the next onslaught. The recent wave of zombie movies has led people to gather some strange ideas on how to fight the living dead (I mean, CRICKET PADDLES?? REALLY?) and Brad Pitt is NOT the model of Zombie hunter you wish to emulate. Unlike Pretty Boy Brad, YOU do not have script writers clearing all your problems away, and the UN is NOT our friend. But I digress. Each of you who prepares poorly becomes MY next extermination job. Hmmm, maybe I should quit here.
First off, zombies require TOTAL decapitation to stop them from coming at you, or destruction of the brain to kill them. Cut'em in pieces, and the parts keep coming. Decapitation doesn't do much but stop them. The head is STILL gonna try to get you, but the tongue just ain't that good at moving the head. So, remember, AFTER decapitation, after the battle, destroy the brains. Personally, I prefer shotgun slug loads to the brain for one-shot stops.
When I am working an infestation, I try to wear a full-face shield. Remember, skulls are FULL of bones, and the shards are sharp. IF you get ANY zombie spit in your body, whether from a bite, drool hitting an open wound, or splash from a headshot that contains spit, I'll be coming for YOU next. Also, the green bits taste REALLY nasty, so there's another reason to keep your mouth shut while fighting them. Funny quips and gross jokes are funny on film, but they are a BAD plan in real life. Remember, zombies are NOT caused by voodoo doctors (usually), or government top secret labs (except that one time in San Francisco). It's just a virus. So practice proper infection controls, and you're safe. Fail in this, you're my next job. You don't want that.
The properly attired zombie killer is wearing body armor, leather Harley Davidson jacket, Leather pants, and a helmet/face-shield similar to the average police riot-gear helmet. I like weighted leather gloves (adds weight to sword swings, and aids when forced to punch a corpse in the face) and steel-toed boots. When going after an infestation, I arm myself thusly- My handmade Japanese Katana is slung over the left shoulder. I carry a custom built semi-automatic twelve gauge magazine-fed shotgun, loading a silver/lead mixed slug load. The silver DOESN'T kill'em, but it slows down their ability to re-generate if I only wound'em. My side-arm is a ParaOrdnance P14-45, tuned for combat. It is a high-capacity 1911-style .45ACP, holding 14+1 when fully loaded. My back-up pistol is their compact Officer's double stack, that can ALSO eat the full sized mags. I rarely work in a team-type situation, so interchangeability isn't one of my concerns.
While field expedient weaponry IS sometimes necessary, NEVER use a chainsaw- the meat and bones tend to clog the chain something fierce. Flamethrowers are right out, unless you can confine the buggers first- walking torches can REALLY cause the clients to refuse to pay. "Yeah, I burned down the town, but the zombies were gone, damnit!" Last, but not least, when negotiating the contract (IN ADVANCE!!), remember to insist upon a minimum fee, but get a per head bonus for each zombie. After all, once there is ONE zombie, there WILLbe others before you get there. If you are doing this freelance, be careful- the towns ALWAYS try to weasel out of paying once the job is done. Insist upon an escrow account to at least cover the basic contract.
So, remember the basics- decapitation stops'em, but ALWAYS go back and destroy the brain, or they'll be back. Silver slows'em down, but it IS NOT the cure-all some claim. Heavily armed is the way to go, and ALWAYS wears all your OZHASG (Occupational Zombie Hunters Asociation Safety Gear) rated protective gear. ANd, since NO ONE knows everything about Zombie Hunting, feel free to add YOUR anecdotes to the comment section below- I can ALWAYS use some extra advice!
I KNOW I'm repeating myself, but this is important! To kill a zombie, the brain MUST be destroyed. De-capitation just stops them, but after battle, destroy the brains, or they will eventually re-assemble and come for you. Shotguns with slug loads work best, followed closely by large caliber handguns loaded with hollowpoints. Some people recommend swords, axes, machetes, and chainsaws. They work, but there is ONE huge drawback- you gotta close with the Zombie, risking a bite. ANY zombie saliva entering ANY open wound is fatal. If bitten, DEMAND your companions immediately kill you and destroy your brain, or else within 72 hours MAX (or as short as 30 minutes) you will be eating THEIR brains. Cutting off the arm does not work. The virus is that freaking fast. ANY form of armor is better than none, but to be as safe as possible (which isn't very, no matter what), use your OZHASG (Occupational Zombie Hunters Asociation Safety Gear) for best results.
The careful reader will note the presence of a sword, which I just put down as a weapon. They are a last-ditch back-up, when the Fecal Material Hits The Rotary Oscillator, NOT a main weapon. I am a professional, and I have been trained in three styles of swordplay (NONE of then epee' , that useless little foil that Olympians use. Poking neat little holes in a zombie is a waste of time. A sword is for experts or desperate people (often one and the same). IF you are going to use one, take training that emphasizes the edge. Chopping parts off of zombies does not stop them, but if they have no legs, or the head is off, youhave time for that post-battle clean-up I keep stressing.
Now, I'll deal with some other SNMs (Super Natural Monsters), and answer any questions posed by you, dear reader. Please note: I call them supernatural monsters, but that may (or may not) be a misnomer. I'm an atheist,and I believe there is probably a scientific explanation of them.
So, on to a few others you might be unfortunate enough to encounter. We'll start with another un-dead, Hollywood's favorite, the vampire. Most of what is portrayed is, to be blunt, bullshit. They AREN'T supernaturally sexy. They AREN'T rich, dignified noblemen. They DON'T (generally) have psychotic henchmen to protect their haunts in daytime (and they don't need them), The reason I say they might not beactually supernatural, however, is because of the inefficacy of any crosses, Bibles, Torahs, Korans, and prayer are a pure waste of time. I've gone hunting with people I KNOW are truly devout, firm believers, and as close to a saint as I'll ever meet. And their prayers and talismans do nothing. For reasons unknown, silver seems to incapacitate (temporarily) a lot of SNMs, and it will work on Vamps, as well. There is only one way to effectively destroy beyond recovery a vampire. A hardwood stake driven through the heart, then de-capitation and destruction of the cranium and brain. NOTE!! Staking alone only renders them dormant. Removal of the stake leaves them awake, pissed off, and VERY thirsty. Vampires are NOT dormant daytimes, though sunlight does cause them excruciating pain. Hunting Vampires in their lairs is VERY dangerous day or night. Do it ONLY in daytime, and ONLY if you can secure a direct path for sunlight to enter the lair. Otherwise, it is recommended that you use a volunteer to lure them outside after dark and try to use a crossbow or harpoon gun to impale them with a hardwood stake to immobilize them, then finish them off. Vampires DO NOT retain any humanity after conversion, quickly lose the ability to speak, and DO NOT, despite Hollywood and Twilight, hang out together. They are lone killers, hunting and killing their prey (US!!) just as any other maneater does. The very rare survivor (one in 150 attacks survive the experience, to their regret) has greater than a 90% chance of turning. And ALL survivors who don't turn are staked and beheaded immediately upon natural death, because they almost always come back as something even worse, a smart vampire. These extremely rare versions are the basis for the Dracula stories, and the only intersection between Hollywood and reality. The best thing you can say about them is the Smart Vamps do notremain undeadlong. The maximum time the SVs "survive" has been documented as 5 years, but most rarely survive long enough to re-expire on their own, because they are vindictive and fearless, causing someone like me to remove them from the SNM gene pool.
Next, we arrive at the furbearers. Shifters. Werewolves, weretigers, werechows, weresnakes, and other were-creatures. Vastly misunderstood, and badly painted by both the few really bad ones, and Hollywood. First off, it is hereditary. So, to be a were, you have to be born that way (mostly, more on that, later!). Most children of weres AREN'T were, themselves, but they can still pass it on. The odds are, you've met at least one in the last year. Most are just people with a genetic anamoly that makes them were. They don't eat people, they aren't pursued by ghosts of their victims urging them to die, and the full moon isn't THAT big a deal to them. They can change at will, and rarely do it in front of "Straights". They do NOT live by the same rules as their root animal, they do NOT have "Alpha" males, and they DO have the ability to change only parts of their body in the blink of an eye totheir root animaland back. A very few bad apples have spoiled it for the rest, causing the US government (among others) to offer bounties for them, with the only way to earn immunity from the bounty is to be a killer for Uncle Sam. Most refuse, and live in hiding. I NEVER accept a bounty on ANY were unless one goes rogue. It takes TWO parents with the were gene to create a true were, rather than a were-gene carrier. I hear you asking "What about that later, Neale?" I have met ONE were, ONLY ONE, who has no discernible were ancestors, never turned until he was 35, (real weres begin shifting at puberty), and survived an attack by one of the rare rogues. Three months later, he turned for the first time. He contacted me, and I put him in contact with a normal were, who helped him adjust. He's a nice guy. Weres are tougher than hell, heal VERY fast, and require destruction of the brain with something silver. sadly, most weres who led to the creation of the bad legends were, I believe, turned rogue by religious bigotry and persecution.
Goblins are probably the most mis-understood and misrepresented of the SNM group. They actually AREN'T SNMs. They are survivors. From genetic testing, they appear to be closely related to humans, but diverged about 5-7 million years ago, They are believed, in fact, to be the "missing link". Shy, furtive, and living on the outskirts of civilization in the most desolate regions of the world, they tend to be gentle thieves, stealing shiny things, food, and kittens. Don't "awe" that, they like how they taste. But they will run away rather than attack a human, even a child, unless you endanger THEIR child. Leave'em alone.
The rest of the supernatural pantheon is far less documented by hunters, and if encountered, the best I can suggest is run like hell, then call me at 607-362-4360, and I'll see what I can do for you.
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DO NOT interject politics here. This is for fun purposes only, please.
Wonderful, Neale! Thank you so much for the distraction!!!! Much love to you!
I confess- this is a compilation of two of my old articles with added material from my recent work. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope it keeps you safe this season.
I'm dreading Halloween night-- zombies seem to be the costume of choice!
Those lovely and fun werecreatures. Yes, we are vastly misunderstood. I myself am a wereskwerl, but not dangerous at all. I don't put up with dogs who chase me, though, and they never do it twice. Fun story.
Funny- I had wereskwerl stew for dinner last night........
Nah, you tell fibs. Full moon is Oct 18. Besides, we turn back into ourselves when we are killed. Are you a cannibal? If so, shame on you, you ghoul. That's right, you just admitted to being a cannibal.
Could be!! LOL
Whattaya mean "cannibal"? There was a guy running around, chasing dogs, stealing walnuts off my trees, and trying to bury them in my back yard. I shot him, and he turned into a skwerl. So I ate him. Waste not, want not.
Well then, he was a werehuman. Not a wereskwerl.
Good
I like my current (and only) wife. But I get your point. Kinda like this guy-
Neale, rent a couple of weendigo's from me and problem solved. All this nonsense of face masks etc, the weendigo would just eat the damn zombies.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a weendigo basically a zombie shaman, a super zombie? Did you finally solve the whole "Now how the hell do we get them back in the cage?" problem?
Yeah, they are a super zombie, more like a super duper zombie.
Still working on the cage problem. I've only lost a couple of assistants/weendigo handlers..
Neale, you are obviously and expert in these matters.
Accordingly, I have added your number to my speed dial emergency contact list.
Thank you, in advance, for you help.
Any time. All ya gotta do is call.
Nothing personal, then, but I think I'll hold off on the weendigos for now. Curing cancer by cutting off the patient's head comes to mind as an equivalent...........
I'm afeared to call that number.
But but but WHY, Grump. Is there some reason to avoid it?
Yes, a good reason: you want me to dial it. ha.
But there's actually a reason to dial it. IF you can figure out WHERE the number came from, you win a HUGE prize! (In 4 iterations of this article no one has gotten it yet!)
It has never been proven, but I heard if you keep a copy of "Just when I needed you most" (from the 70's, can't remember who sang it) on your Ipod and play it very loudly at the zombies, they will run screaming from you, never to be seen again.
No no no. It's "Puberty Love", and it only works on Killer Tomatoes.
When I yodel, mortals die, dogs howl, and gods cringe in their cloudbanks. Zombies don't really notice. I wonder........ does my yodeling while killing zombies explain my always working alone?
Y'all ain't heared MAH yodellin'! It's bad!
I know. I taught'em how. They exceeded their teacher.
Yup. And in 1994 or so, it was the phone number of a Denver, CoExterminator company. I wonder what they paid for the number.
My zombie is very well behaved. He sleeps/stares into space in the shed out back. He does yard work and keeps the place looking fairly good. He does stink to high heaven, though, and bits fall off now and then. He doesn't pick up after himself very well at all.
The best way to take out a group of vampires is to get a cargo copter, load the entire IRS regulations in hardcover, and drop it on the group. It smashes them all flat (works for groups smaller than 25) and then you just go in a stake the pancakes, and decapitate them.