Saying Good-bye
I've been sitting in my hotel room since my daughters had to go to their first RA meeting, which was at about 8:30. When I asked them, if they wanted us to stick around till after the meeting, they gave us the gentle brush off. Nah, Mom, go back to the hotel and take it easy. And there it was. The moment I dreaded. I was no longer wanted. I ate out my aching heart, with 2 scoops of ice cream, which I am sure went straight to my butt, but tonight I didn't care....well until tomorrow morning, when I look in the mirror and realize that I will not only be leaving them at the end of the day, butironicallymy end was much larger than the day before.
Most people have children one at a time. I had twins. An instant family. And most people when their children leave the nest, they have some at home to lessen the blow, a time for adjustment. But just as I had an instant family, I now have an instant empty nest. The only person who I spoke to today, who knew how I felt, was one mom who's youngest child was now leaving and she too, would now have an empty nest.
I realize that some would embrace this as a new beginning and in some ways it is. I am still young enough to enjoy time alone with my husband. We get to do a little more traveling. Still, I will be walking by not one but two empty bedrooms. Twoparakeetswho will be wondering where their gal pals are. And the bottom line is that, I am on the flip side of my life. And now when I have words with the girls, there isn't that opportunity to make things better. They will be busy with starting their lives to worry how I feel, too busy to care and I know I have to accept that as the normal way of things, but I don't have to like it.
It is not like me to put my feelings out there, so to speak. Yet I have had hours to think in this hotel room, as I face saying good-bye to my little girls. They will always be my little girls. And I just don't know how I am going to do it tomorrow, with a smile on my face, when my heart is breaking.
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Had beencontemplatingthat. The hotel bar looked good. But I didn't want to show up tomorrow a hung over mom. More reasons to be glad not to be at home.
Maybe when I get home though...
When my purple pen turns green and the letters are all over the page, you'll know I've passed the point of no return.
You could always listen to music you hate . Then switch to music you love ...
This is true. They did put a hink in that...
Ummm... why would I want to do that... I mean listen to music I hate?
It's the contrast ... Pleasure is always better after unpleasantness ceases . Think about what Gordon Lightfoot said .
Perrie,
You don't realize it yet, but you are just starting the best part of raising kids. There are still plenty of things they'll need advice about, but you're no longer under the gun about giving it. You no longer have to be the ruling mom, now you can be the wise elder. Then, in a few years (you'll be surprised at how few), those girls will be presenting you with sons in law and grandchildren (hopefully in that order). You're going to find that dealing with grandchildren is way more fun than raising kids. As long as you've got cookies, they'll follow you around thinking you're a goddess. This is not theory, I have a grandson who does just that. I have no clue where he got the idea that I'm omniscient and omnipotent, but I'm certainly not going to disillusion him. His older sister is almost as devoted. Then, when I detect a suspicious odor coming from his diaper, I just hand him to his dad to be changed. I then retreat to my computer down here in the basement and listen to his dad's reaction to the outhouse smell (and laugh and laugh and laugh).
Of course, that works well for the long term solution. In the short term, until you get used to the idea that you're going to enjoy this situation, Bruce's suggestion has some merit. I would prescribe about four ounces of Jack Daniels.
They might have split up or they might have capsized;
May have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.
Nope. Nothing there.
Thanks TTGA. I had to laugh at this line:
Which of course went along with my dad's advice to the girls:
"Girls, Here's some advice for college from your old Papa"
"What's that papa?"
"College boys are horny. They only want one thing. Stay out of their dorms"
Dad is always so helpful with his advice. Kind of like our sex talk.
"Perrie, all I have to say is good girls don't and bad girls do"
"Do what?"
"Think about it."
*sigh* It's always hard to say good-bye. Saying good-bye to an entire part of your life is very hard.
Wrong song P .
Sometimes I think it's a shame
when I get feeling better when I'm feelin' no pain .
Wow! When I saw the title to this I nearly flipped. I thought at first you meant you were leaving this website, which would probably end it. Phew, it's only about your chicks learning to fly on their own. My kids left long ago, but at least it was one at a time.
You make a great point here.
There's nothing I loved more than being a father. Guiding, teaching, and instilling the knowledge and experience into my children was a great thing, and many of my most precious memories are of those times.
But once they are out, and on there own, the relationship doesn't end, it just changes, and at first the changes are more subtle than you would think.
It's up to you to know when advice should be offered, and when you need to wait for it to be requested, and that's difficult at first, but if you hold your input until requested a few times, you'll be surprised at how often it is requested after that.
Plus, and this is a big plus, I no longer have to be a father as much as I used to, but I get to be "Dad" a lot more than I did. Father has to have an air of authority about him that Dad doesn't always need to carry, and Dad can be much more relaxed. Father is a wonderful experience, but Dad is too.
Finally, I have been able to assume a new role in all of this. I get to be much more of a friend than I got to be. While they were growing up, I was "Father" a lot, and "Dad" quite a bit, but I didn't get to be "Friend" much. It's great to play golf with my son without having to be "Father" or "Dad", just a couple of "Friends" playing golf. Or to spend a day with either of my daughters, and not have to constantly be aware of what is going on, and "responsible" for them, as they are adults now and they take care of themselves. I get to just be a friend, and we can talk and be much more relaxed around each other because they know that, unless I am asked, I will keep my opinion to myself and allow them to live their lives.
We let them fall down while they were learning to walk. We let them fall off their bikes, with the greater goal of learning to ride without training wheels in mind. We let them drive our cars when good sense told us they needed a bit more time with us in the passenger seat.
Well, Birds got to fall sometimes, before they fly.
Best of luck to your daughters, and to you and your husband. You'll all make it through this.
I was thinking about the cook coming on deck and saying it's too rough to feedthe men.............. I was confused, too.
What the hell, they should have left years ago! Imagine if you lived in the late 1700's, they'd be married and have ten year old kids by now!
Damn laggards!
My last goes off the 20th, and I can't go as a trial got scheduled.
One thing I will say, my chosen profession sure as hell screwed with the time I should have spent with my kids.
Don't think they missed it though, probably better off without much input from me!
I think that this is going to be the hardest thing for me. Hearing things I might not like, but holding mytongue. But you are right.
I haven't had much "Friend" time either. It's a hard balance to find.
Which is so hard to do. Watching them get hurt, knowing that they will, but not saying anything is going to be very hard for me.
Thanks Captain. That was a very thoughtful post.
I was kidding Rich. But I have to say that I didn't think of those words.
Great lyrics and so true.
Sorry! The very last thing I would wish on you is being a cook on the Edmund Fitzgerald! LOL!
LOL Buzz. I didn't think of that. I could see how you would think that from the title. Nah, I have grown to love these people and this place, so I have no intention of closing it down any time soon.
Yeah, my chicks are learning to fly. I realize yours left and are long grown. I just hope that they don't end up so far away from me.
Aww Robert, I try to be fair and share my time with you guys. My kids used to complain that I spent too much as they IMed on their computers while texting on their phones. Odd right?
Both are true. The buddy system is a bit of a relief. The are actually on floor away from each other. And NY to Baltimore isn't so bad. The modern world does give us skyp, too!
He says he'll stop looking at you, if you stop giving him the skunk eye, LOL!
And we'd probably be dead, LOL.
Wow, that's late. I thought this was the latest.
I know. I am surrounded by lawyers. My father in law has said the same thing.
Don't say that! I am sure that they love their old man, and looked forward to the little time that they spent with you. My dad worked the graveyard shift and I missed him. Now if you go back in this article and read some of his advice (Those are really his words), yet I thought he was the best. Probably your daughter thinks so to. There is always that special bond between father and daughter.
Not this one. My first one, yeah, this one, nah. She is 100% momma's girl. Not sure she even knows I'm alive, until she needs some dough.
Awww, Perrie, I feel for you sweetie!
Our son moved out at 19, came back at 21-1/2, he just turned 27 and...is still with us!
Been there, done that as it is said.
I went through the same grieving, lamentation process with my daughter. Today she's the mother of two, a successful teacher, entrepreneur and producer of musical theater. And our father-daughter relationship has never been stronger.
"Our children are lent to us" a friend once advised. And I assume you know the one ...
"If you love something set it free ... " .
This is not exactly a match ... but it sort of fits ...
Mines not a match either, but this is the first thing that came to mind when reading the article.
And crying's okay. The joy will by far outweigh today's emotions.
It's a strange feeling to spend so many years and so much hard work getting children ready to be adults, that when it does happen, it's almost hard to believe. Many blessings to you and your family Perrie.
RD,
Your words really touched my heart. Thank you so much for your kindness.
I am finally home, and the house is so empty.
My daughters are strong young woman, and that makes me feel a bit better, but you are so right about wishing that I could see them, hold them, but also letting them go. It's a mother's natural reaction to worry about their well being. About them making good choices, when they are finally on their own.
Oh, Perrie, this truly tugs at my heart. I mean, you, the parakeets. Yes, your girls will be missed by all. There's not much to do except to offer some comfort. Go talk to the parakeets, maybe. It seems that your life up until now has been all in two's. Now that two of your two's are gone, well it has to feel pretty bad alright.
Don't worry about the ice cream, Gosh I would have gone for a Hot Fudge Sundae or something really decadent.
But see there, I notice that you did another thing in twos. Your two scoops of ice cream. This is going to be hard. I'm afraid there's no way to soften the blow just yet. I'm here for you whenever you want to talk about it.
Sorry for your pain just now, Perrie. What a great Mom your girls have. It's just so physically painful when the heart aches.........
Kara, thank you so much for such a heart felt comment. Funny I hadn't thought about it, but yes, even the ice cream was in twos. Maybe it's also because I am a Gemini, which is the sign of the twins. How fitting.
Right now I feel like I am dating my girls. I keep wondering if they will call me, or should I call them? This whole business is still so odd to me. There is no instruction manual on what to do.
And yes, my heart still aches. It's going to take some time, I think. Maybe some more ice cream.
Actually Mike, you kind of hit home on that one with Maddy. I bet she is.
Actually, Hopkins isn't known for their liberal agenda, just working the kids asses off and division 1lacrosse.
But life does equal change. The good, the bad and the ugly.
They do think that they know it all. Always a joy telling them how wrong they are.
Oh, and they are the two most un PC kids you will meet. Kind of like their mom and dad. That should give you a giggle.
Mark Twain said it best:
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
So true!
Ice cream is a little better than some other choices.......you won't need it for long. If you need it now, that's OK...
You almost don't make me feel guilty, but I'm afraid that my butt will tell the tale, so to speak.