Christian Mother Mourns Loss of Son She Abandoned for Being Gay (On His Wedding Day)
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/15/christian-mother-mourns-loss-of-son-she-abandoned-for-being-gay-on-his-wedding-day/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=BRSS&utm_campaign=Nonreligious&utm_content=361
It may be difficult to read, but this is what Kim Higginbotham recently wrote about her son:
"Sometimes the hardest thing are the memories. Remembering the joy I felt in that plump baby who looked at me so adoringly. I remember when he sat on the kitchen counter helping peel potatoes or stir ingredients into the batter. I remember our home school days at the kitchen table and reading together on the couch. I remember singing harmony together in the kitchen. I remember the pride I felt when he led singing or gave a talk at young men’s night at church. Those memories are all I have left now. There are no more to make.
Occasionally, I may see a young man that looks like my son. Or, I may be cleaning out a closet and see a photograph. I may be asked by a well-meaning person, where my son is now. All these make me cry. He was such a handsome boy, an excellent student, a talented musician, so kind and thoughtful of others. He never gave us trouble while at home. He loved his siblings. I remember his “infectious laugh.”"
He sounds like a wonderful kid. And as a parent myself, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose a child.
But I don’t have to try and imagine that right now, because Higginbotham didn’t lose her son.
He’s still alive. He’s doing just fine. I assume he’s still a talented musician with an infectious laugh.
Higginbotham has to rely on these memories, though, because she no longer has a relationship with him. Her son is still Christian, but she decided to break all ties with him when she found out he was gay.
Her post, published last week, was apparently written on the day of his wedding.
Not that she cares. The bulk of her article is all about how much he hurt her by daring to defy God’s Will.
"What probably began as harmless flirtation with sin has now become a quicksand that pulls my son deeper and deeper toward Hell. Sometimes I feel jealous of other parents who have close, loving relationships with all their grown children. I feel embarrassed by what my son has done.
The fact is, I don’t know this person that I once thought I knew so well. Was I blind to things that I should have seen? I believed our relationship was so close. I adored this child. Was the love our son expressed to us all a lie? How does one go from being a respectful obedient child to flagrantly disregarding everything we taught him and everything that we stand for?
A full night’s sleep… what is that? While I am able to fall asleep easily, there is not a night that goes by that I sleep until morning. I awaken in the middle of the night, and the first thought in my mind is that I had just had a terrible dream, but I soon realize that it wasn’t a dream, it is reality; my reality.
I try to picture where my son is now and what he may be doing. I hurt. Sin is ugly. It is disgusting. It perverts. While I don’t want to know, I find myself drawn to his social media like watching two cars collide. I want to look away, but I can’t. I care too much."
Somehow, her son being openly gay (instead of merely another Christian who represses his sexual orientation out of guilt) means he never really loved her. His very existence is too embarrassing for her.
People often ask why atheists care so much about a God we don’t believe in. This is why. We see the harm religion can do to people who take it seriously. When people are brainwashed into thinking certain sins are unacceptable, it can tear apart families for no good reason. Hell, many atheists have been cut off from friends and family members who want nothing to do with them anymore because they dare to challenge religious dogma.
For all we know, Higginbotham’s son would love to have a relationship with his parents. But his mother, despite everything she says she misses about him, won’t reciprocate because she fears it’ll upset her God. That’s Jehovah’s Witness-level shit right there.
As Tim Rymel points out at HuffPost, what’s especially disturbing about this article is how many Christian commenters aren’t responding with, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Instead, they’re saying things like “I am sorry for your loss” and “We will continue to pray for a change of heart.”
Remember: She didn’t pull the plug on a dying relative in distress. She chose to abandon her son because he was in love with someone of the same gender, and now she’s acting like she’s the victim.
Rymel writes:
"The evangelical Christian message is loud and clear. They care for no one but themselves. Their devotion is to the version of Christianity they have created, which calls for ruthless abandonment of immigrants, women, children — even their own — and anyone else who doesn’t fall inline with their message. Social justice, which is mentioned in Bible verses over two thousand times, has been replaced with hardline political ideology. Principle over people. Indifference over involvement. Judgment over generosity."
Higginbotham’s post is also disturbing because you just know her problem isn’t that her son “sinned.” It’s that he’s gay, and that “sin,” in her mind, is waaaaaay worse than all the other ones.
Sharon Hambrick, herself a Christian, questions whether Higginbotham would’ve acted the same way for other reasons:
"Does that mean we won’t hang with our kids if they take to drinking? Or will we turn our backs if they are preggers-sans-marriage? What if they embezzle? What if they speed? Of course not, you judgy thing you! Not just any sin will do. It’s just the creepy gay sins that break the ties that bind, amirite?"
Hambrick also wonders: Would (the presumably anti-abortion) Higginbotham even have given birth to her son if she knew he was gay in the womb? Because how pro-life can you really be if a child’s sexual orientation is enough to treat him as good as dead?
Since posting her piece, Higginbotham has added an update responding to some of her critics. She says, contrary to what commenters are saying, she does love her son “unconditionally,” but that doesn’t mean she has to accept his sin. But that’s a false dichotomy. I’ve done a bunch of things my parents aren’t thrilled about (including running this site), but my parents would never disown me because of that. It doesn’t mean they agree with or endorse every decision I make. (And being gay, unlike writing about religion, isn’t a decision.)
She also says she never abandoned her son: “He has abandoned us.” Bullshit. Does she expect anyone to take her seriously?
No one’s suggesting that all Christians — or even all evangelicals — act this way. But some of them do. That’s the problem. And it’s not going to go away unless more evangelical pastors have the courage to admit they’ve been wrong about the way they address homosexuality.
We know Christians are lying when they claim to “love the sinner, hate the sin.” This is a perfect example of how flawed that thinking can be.
It may be difficult to read, but this is what Kim Higginbotham recently wrote about her son:
"Sometimes the hardest thing are the memories. Remembering the joy I felt in that plump baby who looked at me so adoringly. I remember when he sat on the kitchen counter helping peel potatoes or stir ingredients into the batter. I remember our home school days at the kitchen table and reading together on the couch. I remember singing harmony together in the kitchen. I remember the pride I felt when he led singing or gave a talk at young men’s night at church. Those memories are all I have left now. There are no more to make.
Occasionally, I may see a young man that looks like my son. Or, I may be cleaning out a closet and see a photograph. I may be asked by a well-meaning person, where my son is now. All these make me cry. He was such a handsome boy, an excellent student, a talented musician, so kind and thoughtful of others. He never gave us trouble while at home. He loved his siblings. I remember his “infectious laugh.”"
He sounds like a wonderful kid. And as a parent myself, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose a child.
But I don’t have to try and imagine that right now, because Higginbotham didn’t lose her son.
He’s still alive. He’s doing just fine. I assume he’s still a talented musician with an infectious laugh.
Higginbotham has to rely on these memories, though, because she no longer has a relationship with him. Her son is still Christian, but she decided to break all ties with him when she found out he was gay.
Her post, published last week, was apparently written on the day of his wedding.
Not that she cares. The bulk of her article is all about how much he hurt her by daring to defy God’s Will.
"What probably began as harmless flirtation with sin has now become a quicksand that pulls my son deeper and deeper toward Hell. Sometimes I feel jealous of other parents who have close, loving relationships with all their grown children. I feel embarrassed by what my son has done.
The fact is, I don’t know this person that I once thought I knew so well. Was I blind to things that I should have seen? I believed our relationship was so close. I adored this child. Was the love our son expressed to us all a lie? How does one go from being a respectful obedient child to flagrantly disregarding everything we taught him and everything that we stand for?
A full night’s sleep… what is that? While I am able to fall asleep easily, there is not a night that goes by that I sleep until morning. I awaken in the middle of the night, and the first thought in my mind is that I had just had a terrible dream, but I soon realize that it wasn’t a dream, it is reality; my reality.
I try to picture where my son is now and what he may be doing. I hurt. Sin is ugly. It is disgusting. It perverts. While I don’t want to know, I find myself drawn to his social media like watching two cars collide. I want to look away, but I can’t. I care too much."
Somehow, her son being openly gay (instead of merely another Christian who represses his sexual orientation out of guilt) means he never really loved her. His very existence is too embarrassing for her.
People often ask why atheists care so much about a God we don’t believe in. This is why. We see the harm religion can do to people who take it seriously. When people are brainwashed into thinking certain sins are unacceptable, it can tear apart families for no good reason. Hell, many atheists have been cut off from friends and family members who want nothing to do with them anymore because they dare to challenge religious dogma.
For all we know, Higginbotham’s son would love to have a relationship with his parents. But his mother, despite everything she says she misses about him, won’t reciprocate because she fears it’ll upset her God. That’s Jehovah’s Witness-level shit right there.
As Tim Rymel points out at HuffPost, what’s especially disturbing about this article is how many Christian commenters aren’t responding with, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Instead, they’re saying things like “I am sorry for your loss” and “We will continue to pray for a change of heart.”
Remember: She didn’t pull the plug on a dying relative in distress. She chose to abandon her son because he was in love with someone of the same gender, and now she’s acting like she’s the victim.
Rymel writes:
"The evangelical Christian message is loud and clear. They care for no one but themselves. Their devotion is to the version of Christianity they have created, which calls for ruthless abandonment of immigrants, women, children — even their own — and anyone else who doesn’t fall inline with their message. Social justice, which is mentioned in Bible verses over two thousand times, has been replaced with hardline political ideology. Principle over people. Indifference over involvement. Judgment over generosity."
Higginbotham’s post is also disturbing because you just know her problem isn’t that her son “sinned.” It’s that he’s gay, and that “sin,” in her mind, is waaaaaay worse than all the other ones.
Sharon Hambrick, herself a Christian, questions whether Higginbotham would’ve acted the same way for other reasons:
"Does that mean we won’t hang with our kids if they take to drinking? Or will we turn our backs if they are preggers-sans-marriage? What if they embezzle? What if they speed? Of course not, you judgy thing you! Not just any sin will do. It’s just the creepy gay sins that break the ties that bind, amirite?"
Hambrick also wonders: Would (the presumably anti-abortion) Higginbotham even have given birth to her son if she knew he was gay in the womb? Because how pro-life can you really be if a child’s sexual orientation is enough to treat him as good as dead?
Since posting her piece, Higginbotham has added an update responding to some of her critics. She says, contrary to what commenters are saying, she does love her son “unconditionally,” but that doesn’t mean she has to accept his sin. But that’s a false dichotomy. I’ve done a bunch of things my parents aren’t thrilled about (including running this site), but my parents would never disown me because of that. It doesn’t mean they agree with or endorse every decision I make. (And being gay, unlike writing about religion, isn’t a decision.)
She also says she never abandoned her son: “He has abandoned us.” Bullshit. Does she expect anyone to take her seriously?
No one’s suggesting that all Christians — or even all evangelicals — act this way. But some of them do. That’s the problem. And it’s not going to go away unless more evangelical pastors have the courage to admit they’ve been wrong about the way they address homosexuality.
We know Christians are lying when they claim to “love the sinner, hate the sin.” This is a perfect example of how flawed that thinking can be.
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Welcome to the hatreful world of evangelical Christianity.
Isn't it same with Muslims? I hear they kill gays.
Great point. They kill atheists like yourself too. I'm an equal opportunity anti-religionist, so feel free to add some Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. horror stories too.
I'm an equal opportunity anti-religionist, so feel free to add some Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. horror stories too.
Thanks for the red herring distractions . Above all , don't mention that Islamic countries actually do violate what is considered law in the west ...
Muslim bashing is the pretty well covered by yourself, Jeff, Sixpick, 96, "Bobby", Cerenkov, and Dean - apologies to anyone I missed. I'm here to highlight how Christianity has its own problems.
I'm here to highlight how Christianity has its own problems.
Nah . You're here to ignore the obvious & severe problems that Islam has ... ALL of Islam !
Look, I think that most people can agree that religious extremism defies logic.
I have a close friend who was raised in the Church of the Salvation Army. Yes, the Salvation Army is a church and very fundamental. The whole fire and brimstone thing going on. When he came out to his friends, we were told never to mention it to his family. After living with his boyfriend for over 30 years (yes, his parents thought they were just roommates), he came out to his parents. His dad flipped. His mom was more contemplative. She went to church and did a lot of praying. She came out and told my friend that he was a good person (he is) and that god made him the way he is and god doesn't make mistakes. Eventually, his dad came around to his mom's point of view. Both were there when he finally married his long time boyfriend.
I am not sure why so many other christians didn't come to this conclusion. The same to any other religious group who feels this way. To me, this seems totally logically.
We're going out of town for ten days, and staying with my stepson and his husband. They are two of the most fun, welcoming, and successful people in our lives. It defies all sensibility how someone could throw that kind of relationship away over ancient goat herder mentality and homophobia.
Dear Friend Perrie Halperin: I think any form of extremism defies logic.
We don't live our daily lives at the extremes.
There are times in extreme circumstances when middle of the road will not do.
These are few and far in between.
For the most part successful sustainable societies largely congregate in the middle of the road.
Good point.
Enoch.
To me, this mother's withdrawal of love from her son for being gay is quite selfish-- she's prizing her own version of "God's will" and the state of her own soul over her son's sexual characteristics. I mean, he is obviously involved in a consensual relationship-- it's not like he's going out and raping people. He is entering into a consensual relationship with another adult. I mean, if you're going to value your own soul over your child, make sure it is for a worthwhile cause-- like they murdered someone...
Her son's sexual preference is really none of her business. Loving him, (or not), won't change it, and refusing to accept him for the way he is, is just a means of hostility towards him-- and I feel that it goes against God's plan for us. I love my son. He is a part of me. I don't care if he's gay-- I don't care if he enters into a consensual relationship with another guy, or a woman. He is what God made him, and he is my son. I will love him forever, and ever after-- even into death.
What matters to me is that he is a kind person, who cares about other people, and does his best to help others. What matters to me is that he is kind to animals, and the weak or helpless before us. What matters to me is that he is a good person, who contributes to the world in some way.
I may not approve of everything he does, but he's still my son, and I love him. (Now, if I could just get him to pick his dirty clothes off the floor, we'd be just ducky!)
From the article:
"No one’s suggesting that all Christians — or even all evangelicals — act this way. But some of them do. That’s the problem. And it’s not going to go away unless more evangelical pastors have the courage to admit they’ve been wrong about the way they address homosexuality."
Even that may not be effective. We have all seen right here on NT, some people refuse to see homosexuality as anything other than a mental problem that turns potentially decent people into perverted deviants, which goes beyond religious discrimination and into straight up bigotry.
Dear Friend Dowser: There is a growing body of scientific evidence that the brain size and functions of gay men and straight women, gay women and straight men have more in common than those of straight men and women.
There is also an incre3asing understanding of the role pre and neo natal endocrinology play in sex identity and orientation.
Long story short, it appears most non straight men and women are both that way.
Most western religions believe that children are a gift from G-d.
To criticize people for how they are born is to commit the blasphemy of trying to over ride the Divine plan.
Preempting what G-d does in favor of justifying cultural personal and societal prejudices by test quoting out of context. and out of the original languages (mistranslations and misinterpretations) from primary religious anthologies in their original languages isn't being true to what is asked of us by the same G-d who created gays, straights etc.
In my heritage, for example. there is the distinction between Chet and Toe evah.
Chet is sin. It prevents salvation by estranging people from people, all created by G-d. This separates them from G-d the Creator by rejecting His work. This is a major sin.
Toe evah means abomination. Abomination, to the Biblical mind isn't the negative connotation is has become in the modern English language. An Avirah (abomination) is not more than being something that is other than what one would expect to find. That is is not the norm. That is hardly sin. If someone is a Tzadeeck (righteous one) that may make him different than most of those in a community. That makes him a role model, not a sinner.
The role of parents is to love, acculturate and support their young ones. Not to reject them for being who they are.
We Jewish people are hardly alone in our beliefs this is what parents are there to do. Methodists, as so many others religious and humanitarian know it is wrong to cast out your own flesh for entering into voluntary sustainable loving relationships which hurt no one. The sin isn't in being who you are and loving that way. The sin is marginalizing those who live victimless lifestyles of love and devotion to their life partners.
As a Chaplain I seer what some in society do to others who did nothing to them at all.
I will be there for those harmed who only love.
I will be there for those seeking to repent and atone for the sin of rejecting, hating and harming by making second class citizens of those only because they are different than themselves.
No one can truly accepting G-d by rejecting His work, plan or ways.
Peace, Abundant Blessings, Love and Harmony to One and All.
Enoch.
Sounds like Avirah is as much gay as it is redhead. Thank you for your sensible and human post, Enoch.
Very good and true, dear Enoch. My son is what he is, and no matter whom he loves, be it man or woman, my prayer is that they have compassion for others in their heart. I know that my son does. That's is all that matters, to me.
I love my Gay son and his Husband. And wouldn't change them if I could.