“The White Man’s Guide to Not Being a Jerk,” Abridged
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
For most of my life, that’s what it has felt like to be a white man.
I never thought about the characteristics that defined me, because they didn’t define me. They didn’t need to. I was no different than the majority of people around me, so I took who I was for granted, assuming everyone knew what it was like to be me. I acted like the other white men around me, emulating their interests, their language and their worldview. I never really thought about what it was like to be anyone other than who I was.
I now know that’s a problem.
Thanks (and I mean that sincerely) to recent revolutionary movements like Black Lives Matter and #MeToo, I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that I’m a white man and what that means for me and for those around me. I recognize that people like me (and me, if I’m honest) have used the power and influence of who we are in unknowingly subtle and overtly destructive ways to put down, disparage and oppress people not like us. As deep-rooted as this perspective and these behaviors are, the last thing I want to do is perpetuate this problem.
I was recently in a ministers’ meeting led by an African-American woman. Most of us in the room were white men, but there were also several women present (if you have to ask if the women were also ministers, you’re probably reading the wrong blog). During the Q&A session, the first several people to speak up were white men (including one who acknowledged this fact, and then went right on speaking). I saw a woman raising her hand to contribute to the conversation, but the guys were jumping in first with no regard for her or the increasingly uncomfortable dynamic they were creating.
I felt it, so I recognized an opportunity to do something. But what? I laid out my options and their consequences in my head:
2 - I could fight fire with fire by interrupting the current white man speaking and saying, “Excuse me, but someone else is trying to say something. Let’s hear from her.” But knowing the woman who was trying to speak, I was well aware that she didn’t need me to be the valiant knight riding in to save the day and create space for her. So, I nixed that idea.
3 - I could stay silent. Yep, that works. That way, I don’t make anyone mad. And, besides, this isn’t my fight.
But I realized later that this damn well better be my fight, because if I don’t do something to help facilitate change, this paternalistic world will keep on spinning and creeps like Harvey Weinstein will think it’s OK to do what they’ve done. I need to call BS on the subtle racist and sexist attitudes that have shaped my upbringing. I need to use who I am to help make this world the kind of place where my two daughters can raise their hands and speak their minds without some blowhard interrupting them or calling them “Sweetie.”
I’m not looking for sympathy; I’m looking for answers. So, until someone writes a book called “The White Man’s Guide to Not Being a Jerk,” here’s what I plan to do.
Be aware. I think that’s a big part of the problem. So often, I speak without considering the context because that’s not something I’ve ever had to do. I need to be more sensitive to the other voices in the room to make sure they are being heard.
Step outside my skin. I have no idea what it’s like to be a woman. Or African-American. Or gay. I have a lot to learn. And the best way to learn about who someone is and what they experience is to ask them. I had coffee last week with a new friend, an African-American woman who heads a non-profit organization. Her stories of racism and sexism were jaw-dropping to me. “You mean, people actually treat you like that?” “Oh, you have no idea.” I didn’t, but I do now.
Those are starting places, yet I still feel the frustration and fear of doing the wrong thing. But my fear of embarrassment is far outweighed by the fears experienced by those not like me. So, the worst thing I can do is not the wrong thing; it’s nothing at all. Do you have suggestions on what I can do? I promise I’m listening. I hope other white men are, as well.
Kory Wilcoxson is honored to serve as senior pastor of Crestwood Christian Church in Lexington, Ky. When not hanging with his wife, Leigh, and two daughters, Sydney and Molly, he’s usually reading, watching movies, or golfing.
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TThere is no racism on my part towards blacks. They are treated the same by me as I would any race. I don't trust them and they don't trust most white people.
Um...ok. I'm no genius, but I don't think the term racism means what you think it means.
I'm amused by a lot of what I've seen over the last 60 plus years where some people assume, that if it's important to them, it's equally important to people just like them.
When I was a kid in SE Pennsylvania our neighborhoods were exclusively white but the prejudices were defined by ethnicity and religion and veteran status.
At first my parents thought they were liberal by letting us date only Irish girls even Protestants whose parents were not WWII or Korean War vets.
Later they expanded their nationalities but tried to restrict us to other Catholics only ?
We were set up for failure and divorce, before we were aware of the consequences.
Thankfully some people continue to mature and change beyond their late 20's ...
meh, I'd still be laughing if I had witnessed some proud daughter of the confederacy shit the bed.
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Please read the seed and think about it before commenting. Please try to post pertinently. Thank you.
I am a straight male WASP.
I have never felt any form of discrimination. I agree with the author that this fact renders me more or less incapable of genuine empathy for the discriminated-against.
So I post to NT. Kinda pathetic, hmmm?
Just spend some time in the inner city of Detroit and you will experience discrimination. You're not missing much. I now segregate myself from that environment as much as possible.
You are a straight male WASP, too, aren't you, Dean?
I am a straight white male non believer. Unlike many liberals, I don't feel a bit guilty about it. And I don't beat the racism drum like many of them constantly do.
Of course...
Guilt isn't the issue, lack of awareness is.
I feel lucky that I spent a career in the Air Force. The armed services are far and away working harder than anywhere else I've seen to combat discrimination and work towards equality. Sometimes too much so, as they err on the side of caution which is, in itself, unfair to others.
For example, I appeared in front of a 'Below the Zone' promotion board. This is something that young troops that excel at their jobs and career can be nominated for. All candidates appear before the board and are asked a series of questions (each candidate gets the same questions) and you are rated on dress, appearance and military bearing along with the knowledge you display in answering questions.
I was lucky enough to be nominated, though I did not receive a promotion. My first Sargent sat on the board and afterwards told me there were 2 promotions given out, I ranked 3rd. He also said the female Lt. Col. who chaired the board told them ahead of meeting any of the candidates that there was only 1 female nominee, so she was getting one of the sets of stripes. Fair? To other candidates? No. Because she was the only female nominated? Maybe.
But, that is just one example of unjust treatment in a career that was very rewarding. Enlisted promotion testing is also objective as opposed to subjective. Only about a third of the total weighted score has actual supervisory input.
Are we perfect? No, far from it, we are a microcosm of society, but the service tries hard to treat people equally, regardless of race, color, creed, sexuality, etc., etc.
Social engineering is a bitch.
Anything done on the macro level will have some adverse consequences on the micro level... as in your case.
At the same time, you say yourself, "The armed services are far and away working harder than anywhere else I've seen to combat discrimination..."
If America is ever to get past its past (that's a terrible sentence!), there must be affirmative action of the kind you witnessed... and at the same time, that very action will be to the individual detriment to particular persons, like yourself.
I like the first cartoon I put in the seed. It expresses the essential problem: the intrinsic handicaps that some people have at the start of the race. Once those initial handicaps have prevented a fair start to the race, it's fuçkin' hard to to organize a catch-up later in life.
No. Fair would be that she had to follow the same rules and answer the same questions and be judged on her qualifications and her answers to the questions. Not her gender. All Stop.
Yes!
But this would have to be the case from birth... not from age 20.
To be fair, I know exactly what Spike is talking about. I do believe that I have been the beneficiary of social engineering.
I actually got a BTZ promotion. I can't remember how many females were brought before the board or how many spots were open, but I got one of the spots.
I won Wing NCO of the Year 9 days before I gave birth. I honestly believe I got the sympathy vote and that's how I won the award.
Still, the Air Force does do a lot of diversity training. I can't say that that discrimination doesn't happen, because it does. While I benefited from being a female, I also experienced discrimination and sexual harassment.
That's the problem, isn't it?
Non-WASPs get screwed from day one, systematically... which WASPs don't notice. (Hey! We aren't bothered, so why should we bother!) But then when the Air Force (or whoever) takes steps to compensate, the action is noticed... because WASPs don't like to be discriminated against...
Yeah...it is his fight. When even one person is discriminated against, we all lose. That woman who was trying to say her piece may have had something very profound to say but now nobody will ever know because the men in the room ignored her.
Option 1 or two would have worked. Sometimes people need a helping hand to get heard.
"Mansplaining"
You have to crack a few heads...er....eggs to make an omelet.
We'll let you mansplain and then you have to let us talk
I'll let you know when you're allowed to speak, sweetie...
Oh....Bob.....
LOL!
There is "us" and there is "them". For most of the history of the US, ( come to think of it, for all of the history of the US) "us", as a majority, have been white people, and "them" has been everyone else.
This informs the concept of "the other".
I don't know how in the world the USA became the "melting pot of world" with all these racist living here.
If you want to meet real racists i wish i could introduce you to all the people i knew who came across on the boats for a better life in the USA. My Dad's parents came here from Europe in the early 1900's. I loved them but they were two of the most racists people i've ever met. So were many of the others who followed their same path. By comparison my Mom's parents were the total opposite. Their families had been in the US for hundreds of years.
So if you ask me, that's where much of the racism in the US originated. From people who immigrated here. The melted pot if you will .....
Everyone immigrated here or descended from immigrants.
"Us and "Them" is as old as the hills. Pink Floyd wrote a song about it. When the "us" was such a large majority for such a long time it is only natural that they would accrue privilege based on their "us" status.
The sign of progress is when that is recognized and then moved beyond.
I agree. We are the melting pot mostly do to slave labor, Africans/Asians, and the recruiting of European workers. But, there is no other country that has the same mixed demo as ours....none.
Never said they didn't but i made a clear distinction between people who had been here a long time and those who hadn't. I experienced it directly and in my little microcosm of the world it was very clear where the racism was coming from. From the people who immigrated here from Europe in the early in the 20th century. Not the people who had been here a long time.
Yep, nail ..... struck directly on the head
travel the world. I don't mean the tourist attractions. Get away from them into the real part of the cities and villages. Go to the "off the beaten path" locations. What we call "racism" here in the US is petty compared to racism in other countries.
whataboutism.
Our responsibility is to have the best society we can here, not somewhere 99% of Americans will never go.
It's not whataboutism. It's reality. What we see here in the US, especially lately, is people playing the victim and everybody who doesn't show sympathy is called racist. In other countries, people are still being killed because of the color of their skin (and no, it's not only white on black). People of ALL skin complexions are still being taken as slaves. Here in the US we turn a blind eye to all that and go about our petty little game.
Racism is in the eye of individuals that are beholden to certain ideas. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's really not an "Portrait" of "America" as a whole, no matter how the "Media" tries to make you believe it.....like this "Seed" is trying to do !
I'm White, and I'm still charged the same price as every other American at Burger King.
#Couponsmatter
I always believed that if I treated everyone with kindness and respect that it would be reciprocated. Not so! Race relations work both ways. I was to find that out, It is still a nightmare to me. Blacks have their way of retaliation. I speak of black women only. I am not going into a lot of detail. Lying on your back, unable to move and depend on black women to help. Mental abuse and it wasn't just to me. They have their ways and laugh about it.
That defines your racism, but not your unconditional love for your fellow mankind, such as I understand Christianity and the message it allegedly promotes.
Not that I diminish or minimize negative or even horrible situations, but that isn't ever an excuse for racism. Anger at specific individuals? Absolutely. Anger at a race or races....not so much.
I so wish we had some black members here. It might create some empathy for non white people (which curiously, you yourself have expressed in the past as well (just not towards African Americans)....which makes this something of a dichotomy). Currently, that seems to be quite lacking from a substantial and alarming number of our members.
There is no racism on my part towards blacks. They are treated the same by me as I would any race. I don't trust them and they don't trust most white people.
no racism on my part
That is actually racism lol.