Why is love so hard to find?
I've asked this over and over time and time again wondering why is it, "Why is love so hard to find", and why do people always put outer appearance their first priority?
As I met a man and went on a date with him, it was all about sex, him and his needs. Well, sexual needs.
I sat there liking the man over dinner having a nice conversation, but then it just turned into something I wanted so desperately out of. I wanted to run from the table and scream "PURV Alert", but didn't have the nerve to want to embarrass him or myself. Afterall, I was at the same table as he was trying to enjoy dinner.
As a burn survivor, it's hard to find good and decent men to accept me and my burn scars, but then he said it didn't matter to him. If two people connect, then we were meant to be. I guess he felt that we connected on his part, but I soooooo much wanted to tell him to take a shower. His b.o. (body odor) was really bad, but he was a very nice man. He asked me if the smell bothered me, and I said 'NO'. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and then he said he likes the natural smells of the body and (b.o.). He doesn't like perfumes, colognes, or even deodorant, and likes to wear the same clothes during the weekdays.
Then on this dating site where I met him, he looked clean, decent, and lovable, and his profile was very nice also. I've gotten over 4k hits some very young others older than I like, but the majority of them are looking for hookups and one night stands.
Am I being too picky in wanting a relationship and not a one night stand or hookup?
I don't think I am, but a friend of mine pointed out that I'm not getting any younger and need to 'hook up' and have some fun.
I don't know, but trying to fone love has been a challenge for me. Maybe I am being too picky, but I like clean and nice smells of things in the home and on me and other people also.
Maybe I should have written to Dear Abby about this one! lol
OMG, thank you for that response. I don't feel so bad now, and I will ask him to shower and dress up a little because I do like him, but I am not all that sexual with a stranger I just met and went on a date with.
I'm not going to settle. Thank you for your input jwc2blue. I truly appreciate it.
Thank you LonerRnger01 for the video/song. Very nice.
If the online doesn't work I suggest pursuing the things/activities that you love. Join groups that interest you. Join a church or other spiritual group. Take arts or crafts classes, whatever interests you. Love will find you.
Love is hard to find for all of us-- real love, not just lust. And it takes more than one date. It takes a while-- or at least it did for me. You did the right thing, as in don't sleep with someone that can't and/or won't, wait until you feel comfortable being with them. And it takes a level of comfort to be able to open up to someone.
I went out with a plastic surgeon once. We sat at this fancy restaurant and he held a fork up to my nose and said, "I can fix that." I don't want to be 'fixed'-- I want to be loved as I am. I want someone that can look at my funny nose and find it endearing.
Sometimes I think that love is only for the lucky and the strong-- (aka The Rose). Sometimes I think that Love is a rose and you better not pick it-- (Linda Ronstadt). Sometimes I think that love that is too easy isn't worth it. Most of the time, though, I realize that I don't know doodley squat, and just happened to meet a nice guy that appreciated my weirdness when I met my husband. He has never once complained about my nose.
I've been around for a long time, and have been divorced twice. Not a good track record. But then, I realize that I grew up in a dysfunctional environment, and that I was looking for dysfunction when I married them, because that was "normal" to me. Not blaming anyone, just thinking that we all have our quirks, and mine was that I didn't know what a normal, secure relationship was like. The only good marriage that I knew of was my grandparents-- and they married in 1916. A lot of things they knew and did somehow didn't seem to apply these days. But then, I married my husband and found that the basics did apply.
I think you need a nice guy. I think everyone needs a nice guy, because that is what I found and I love him, and yeah, there are times when I could have killed him, but didn't. I feel quite sure that he could have killed me, too, at times. But, somehow, we've made it for almost 18 years and to this day, I know I couldn't survive this earth without him. I can be in the depths of despair, but can look at him, and know that we can survive it-- as long as we are together. When I die, I hope he remarries someone who will love him and be good to him, because I don't want him to be lonely the rest of his life. He can love another good woman, and it won't matter. In the end, I'll be with him.
It's like my wonderful grandparents. Grandpa and I would go to the grocery and he'd stop in the middle of produce aisle and said, "We've got to get home-- your Grandma is sick." We would leave and sure enough, when we got home, she was in bed having a heart spell. How did he know? They were just in tune with each other. They used to snore together at night-- so loudly, one could hear them on the street, through the closed windows. I spent every Friday night at their house for years, and they would both be dreaming-- unrelated dreams-- and carrying on fantastic conversations with one another. The sound of the other's voice was all that was needed.
My mother always told me to look for men at church. I found a pedophile pervert, a gay guy looking for a "front", and several cruel, abusive men who only wanted to dominate me and make my life miserable. It gave them a feeling of power. So, believe me, I'm not recommending that.
What happened to me was that my friend at work insisted that I meet this man. I had given up totally, and wanted nothing to do with men. Period. I. Was. Done. After 6 months of her bugging me constantly, I finally agreed to meet him, as long as she and her husband were also there, I met them at a restaurant, with my car, so I could leave in case it got to be too much. I was skittish, to the max.
So, I went, and met this nice guy. He was very personable, although 4 years younger than me, with no formal education, with a daughter, and a boat. 4 strikes. I thought he was a nice guy, but too young, and I can't swim, and was he smart?, and I have never been a parent... He kept calling. Sometimes, I would answer the phone and sometimes I wouldn't. We went out several times. No sex. No relationship. Basically, we had fun together, but that was that. Then, we all went camping one weekend-- me in my tent, he and his daughter in another tent. He set up my tent. No one had set up a tent for me-- ever. I cooked and he ate it, relishing a home cooked meal, and it wasn't much. His daughter was cute and we seemed to get along all right. And we stayed up all night, talking, and drinking bourbon. I know-- we drank a gallon of bourbon and I never got drunk. We drank all the coke, and were reduced to drinking bourbon with Big Red. I never even got silly-- he was endlessly fascinating, and a GOOD MAN. I fell in love, and for the first time, it felt right.
We went to Gatlinburg and got married, just the two of us. It was perfect. We got married at a little wedding chapel, and when we left, they rang the bell for the bride. I was 42 years old, and feeling about as "new" as a used sock-- but just looking into his eyes, I was safe and comfortable, and finally had a good friend I could tell all my secrets to.
Our son was born less than a year later and I almost died. But, he took care of me and our little preemie baby. Three years later, I had a massive heart attack and 5 bypasses. He took care of me, and let me know that I was loved. When I came out of surgery and they took all the breathing apparatus out, his name was my first word. I held as tightly as I could to his hand. I knew that hand would get me out of there, somehow.
So, this is my advice-- stop looking for love, and think of yourself as absolutely wonderful as you are. Ask your friends to help set you up with someone nice. Be patient, because it doesn't happen over night. Be careful and good to yourself, and make sure that you are comfortable, every step of the way. You can volunteer at a worthwhile cause, and meet people that way. You usually find more and get more than you can ever give to these worthwhile causes. You'll meet people that share your interests, too.
The most important thing to remember is that you are a survivor, and no one can "complete" you-- you are, in and of yourself, complete. Finding someone to share that with can make life utterly delightful! But life is pretty darn good without that, too. And the someone you find may be a good friend and not a "lover". If you find someone that is worthy of your many gifts, you will be blessed!
I truly hope this helps--
Thank you, and yes, your reading was a big help. I met a guy from NY willing to travel and stay with me for a week here in Iowa, and he said he likes me just the way I am. I don't think or believe anyone os made perfect, but those looking for perfection make it hard for people like myself that was in a house explosion. They make you feel insecure, or maybe it's just me.
I'm glad you found a good man, and I do know from reading and research, all marriages have their ups and downs. I'm proud of you and your story you told. It really opened up a door for me to venture out and be more open to those that will accept me for me just the way I am.
Thank u! Maya
Thank you Mike, and yes, he should have dressed up and cleaned up much nicer. I like him, but when he got on the sex thing it was a bit too much for me. Just not appropriate to discuss on a first date either.
Thank you again for your input.
What matters is what kind of person you are on the inside. I'm sure funny looking, myself. My husband and I have gained weight together, and he's a hoot! Those that only care about what happened to you in the house explosion are not worth the paper they're printed on!
Just be careful of yourself, dear Maya-- you are a very valuable and dear person!
It will happen, I know it!
Thank you Pat for your input.
I'm not sure about joining online groups, but it's something to consider.
Thank you Dowser. I'm being very careful, and people that have seen fotos of me have said that my scars don't bother them one bit. It's what you are on the inside that counts. The NY guy is very nice, and he's going to Fly out to Iowa in May or June to stay a week to meet me and to get to know one another better.
I hope he's the right one, because we do a lot of texting and talking over the fone.
He's younger than I am 39, I'm 52 in April, but he said that doesn't matter.
I'm too new at the dating thing, but I'm do want to find a good man to be with and to spend my life with.
Thank you again Dowser for your input. Very helpful.
I'm always here if you need anything.
I don't think your scars matter one whit. One of my dear friends was in the Carrolton bus accident and survived her terrible burns. She is a caring and sensitive woman whom I am fortunate to know! Skin doesn't matter, souls do!
I have a theory about US demographics affecting social attitudes . Let me know if anyone wants to hear it .
It's good to know I can still shut down an article merely by posting a comment ... oh the power !
What does your avatar suggest?
Don't give up. I joined an internet dating site, and after a few not so good experiences I found the love of my life. Although it's kind of small, you can see her in my avatar. We have been married for just over 6 years and marrying her was one of the smartest things I've done in my life. One of the things I had been looking for was honesty. The photo she posted on the site was of her and her 13 year old daughter. What she was telling me with that was that if I wanted her, I must accept her daughter as well.
Thank you Dowser for your comment. I hope your friend is doing well today.
Yes Peter, I want to hear all about it.
Maya
My avatar doesn't suggest a thing other than I am learning to be sensual and coming out of my shell.
It too a lot of talking for me to pose and do that foto, but a friend did finally convinced me to be the woman in me and not to be so embarrassed by my burn scars/injures.
Just because a woman wears something tight or have big breasts, it doesn't mean they are suggesting a thing. Only men with sick minds think that it's always the woman's fault for their actions and reactions on how they dress and look Nigel.
Congrats to you and your love Buzz. I do hope someday to find mine. It's a big world filled with good and bad people, so my search will continue until I find my soul mate. Marrying a man means you marry into their family as well. I had the opportunity many, many years ago, but his family didn't like me due to my burn scars and thought he could do better. So I let the relationship go. I was just tired of the comments and snide remarks his mother and sisters made toward me. I've since moved on, but I still think of Arturo from time to time. He was my first date and love. I hope he's doing good today and found a good love for him and his family.
Maya
She is! She is very happy and very beautiful!
I'm happy for her also. It has taken me many, many years to start dressing up and trying to be more social with others, well men. I just never found myself attractive due to the burn scars, but someone convinced me that I was and talked me in to doing some well, fotos that I never imagined myself ever doing.
Thank you Dowser for your readings and supportive words. I truly appreciate it very much.
At 11 am this morning I'm going to go out and pick up supplies/food for the local pantry in our town.
You HAGD today.
Maya
Thanks-- I'm going to Owensboro! Oh boy!
I should probably do an article about it . It is quite abstract and will likely confuse many who read it .
Maya, my first two words of advice are "don't settle."
I agree! For many years I was of a mind that any relationship was better then no relationship at all. Hence a lot of bad relationships that went nowhere, usually painfully. Then my dad (of all people) told me to take some time off and just live alone for 6 months or a year and see that I don't have to be in a relationship unless I want to be. That I can be happy alone.
Also, don't be afraid to end a relationship when it's obviously not going anywhere for the both of you. My first wife and I loved each other, but after a few years of marriage it became obvious that we had made a mistake and they we both wanted to go in different directions. She was looking more for a blue collar factory type guy really and I was wrapped up in my career and working all hours. We had a talk and decided to get divorced while we still cared about each other. While we were still friends. Before we started to hate or fight. It was best for us and for our son.