A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words - Your Morning Laugh

I posted this story on a group, and was told I should put it on the Front Page, so here it is.  

LOL...yep, still funny! 

Well played......

A US special agent pulled up to a ranch house in Texas and talked with an older rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to search your ranch for an escaped fugitive we believe to be in the area.” The rancher said, “Okay no problem, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the field.
The agent verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his coat pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the agent headed straight out to the field. A short time later, the rancher heard a loud scream coming from the direction of the field. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Texan Bull … With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools , ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”

Earned a laugh.  Let's have some more, folks. Get your mind off of guns and Trump and relax for a bit. 

LOL

Need to talk to you about Zoe.

Alice's Restaurant Lyrics
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
Restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
That's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
Restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
Church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
Room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
Seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
Have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
A friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
We took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red vw
Microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
On toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
Dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
Closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
Into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
Side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
Cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
Is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
Decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
Dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
Next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
We found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
Garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it. " And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
Under that garbage. "

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
Finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
And pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
Police officer's station. So we got in the red vw microbus with the
Shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
Police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
The police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
Being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
We didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
And told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again,
Which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
Both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
Can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on. " He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car. "

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
Quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
Signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
Being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
Get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
Cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
They took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
One was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
The getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
Mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
Us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
Wallet and your belt. " And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
Wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
Want my belt for? " And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings. " I
Said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
Toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
Out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
Toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
Was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
Nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
To the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
And didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
Colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
Of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
And Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
Sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
Blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
Judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
One explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
We was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not
What I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
Where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
Neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
Day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. 'Cause I wanted to
Look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
To feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
And I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
Kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
Me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
Wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
Guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
Kill, kill. " And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "kill, kill, " and
He started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
Yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
Sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
Detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
At the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
Hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
Ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
Inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
Part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
Last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
And I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
One question. Have you ever been arrested? "

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
With full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
The phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
Go to court? "

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
Colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
The back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
You to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W.... Now kid!! "

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
Where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
Committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
Looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
Rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
Bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
Father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down 

next to me
And said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage. " He said, "What were you arrested for, kid? "
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
There, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
Said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
And we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
Father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
Bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
Things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
Up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
Know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
You-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
Officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
Forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
Fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
And I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
Down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
Pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
Other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
The other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
Following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
Ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
Sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
Kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug. " He looked at me and
Said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
Off to Washington. "

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
Study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
Singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
Situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
Situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
The shrink wherever you are, just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
Anything you want, at Alice's restaurant. ". And walk out. You know, if
One person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
They won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
They may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
Organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said
Fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
Walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is, the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
All you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
Guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
Sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
For another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... Or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
Harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant
Songwriters: ARLO GUTHRIE
Alice's Restaurant lyrics © THE BICYCLE MUSIC COMPANY

I read your story and, it made me think of this.

Arlo came over to my home one night with a few others from a coffee house gig in Toronto.  He and I sat on the floor discussing copyright. He was pissed because a lot of people were using his father's songs and not paying any royalties.

Out of all the songs from my generation I have to say this one is the most fun to listen to, he always gets me rolling when the description of his time in a holding cell starts.

Was discussing that song and movie at the Legion last night with a friend who watches the movie every Thanksgiving.  A good laugh was had by all. 

Was discussing that song and movie at the Legion last night with a friend who watches the movie every Thanksgiving.  A good laugh was had by all. 

Anyone who has never heard this song is seriously missing out on some good American song writing and, their education is seriously lacking.

Heard it many times, once live. And of course watched the movie. 

Well, ya talked me into it,

Oops.  Pretty sure that Buzz can't open that one Galen.  China doesn't allow YouTube.  Sixpick might be able to convert it to an MP-5.  Then it can be posted in a format that he can open.  Might be too long for that though..... not sure.

No problem, I'm quite familiar with the song. I don't need to see it now. Although I can open a few of Arlo's other songs on the Chinese site Tudou, they don't have Alice's Restaurant.

I had forgotten about the ban on utube in China......DAMN.

I had forgotten about the ban on utube in China.....

How do they get anything dome there then ? My truck mechanic used You tube, my friend who works on marine diesel engines uses you tube all the time at work he says and hell I even use you tube when I need something like how to change the battery in my phone. 

Americans would be lost without you tube these days. Hell I think some of us would need you tube to teach us how to use a compass.

LOL 

Hell I think some of us would need you tube to teach us how to use a compass.

I've seen some that can't even cross a street without it.

LOL. And how did we old farts ever get along without YouTube to tell us how to change the batteries in a flashlight? or to use jumper cables to start a car with a dead battery without YouTube to tell us how to do it? If fact, how the hell did we ever survive without computers and smartphones? Personally, I wish I were back in those days.

LOL. And how did we old farts ever get along without YouTube to tell us how to change the batteries in a flashlight? or to use jumper cables to start a car with a dead battery without YouTube to tell us how to do it? If fact, how the hell did we ever survive without computers and smartphones? Personally, I wish I were back in those days.

LOL... We watched or listen to others doing it or simple stuff we hopefully figured out for ourselves. Which isn't all that different from watching you tube videos to see how others do things.  

Personally Buzz, I love having pretty much any question I have about anything right here at my finger tips. Although I rarely use you tube myself often I will type in a question I have to Bing and usually the answer appears before me instantly, no tracking down some one who happens to know what I'm needing answered. type click learn. I love that. 

Also the advances in medical have been and continue to be remarkable and decades ahead of if we didn't have the computer age now. 

I'm pretty lucky, I have always felt I was alive in the period of time I would have chosen IF I had the choice. I've know a lot of people who say they wish differently though. Too bad. It's nice to feel you are here when you want to be. 

Smile 

I've seen some that can't even cross a street without it.

Unfortunately, Galen, I've actually known a lady that couldn't even find You tube.

and she did live in America. 

lol 

Thankfully she also did not drive !!

She did ask me one day what Washington DC was ?

She did ask me one day what Washington DC was ?

DAMN, did she live in a cave?

DAMN, did she live in a cave?

Well in a way. She was an x wife to a disabled retired veteran I helped take care of for over 5 years. She was totally worthless though, She was there for the free ride, booze and cigarettes, about ALL she did was lay in bed all day and drink and smoke and pop pills. A true basket case and a total loser !

I kept trying to get him to go into a home, I knew he'd be better off there. She didn't give a fuck about the old guy and she was 22 years younger than him. She didnt do shit for the old dude though. I did. I pretty much really did all he needed. She never did shit. 

Finally she decided she didn't want to continue so she ran their finances into a brick wall, got them both evicted and she didn't do a damn thing to get realty for that even. The day of the eviction she overdosed herself and when the sheriff showed up we found her passed out and non responsive (in bed as usual.) Then the paramedics were called, came and they called the city police who came and interviewed me and her disabled husband who was 83 years old then they carted her off to the hospital still unconscious.

knowing they were getting evicted, I already had some of my disabled veterans buddy's stuff gathered up for him to take and then I was asked by my boss to personally take him to a garbage nursing home that could take him immediately till they could find a better spot for him because they were having a problem lining up immediate transportation for him. Poor Guy. 

Yeah she was a basket case. BTW: At that point I was basically pushed into a early retirement myself. I had worked myself down to semi retired but now I'm fully Retired thanks to her. I had planned on staying with him for about two more years. That's now over thanks to her. 

Yeah she was a basket case. A really stupid one at that. 

At least he's finally out from under her control !! And I know he's been moved to a far nicer place now as well. 

Wow

Doggone Steve, you're not only a gentleman but you're polite too.  You actually called her a lady.  Not the word I would have used but I'm not that polite.

That makes me remember when, just before I shipped out for SE Asia, I called my mother and told her that I was getting married to a girl I had known for three weeks.  My mom was WWII era and was familiar with the con worked by some women back then.  They would marry 9 or 10 Servicemen who were shipping out for combat duty, knowing that a couple of them at least wouldn't be coming back.  Then she could collect their life insurance.  She worried that this might be the case and, in any case, marriage after knowing someone that short a time was a bad idea.  We were married anyway in a marriage that was bound to fail; in January it will have been 48 years and I'm still waiting for it to fail.  My mom changed her mind about her after meeting her for ten minutes.  She thought of my wife as another daughter for the rest of her life.  My point is that, while you sometimes get a bad one, sometimes you get lucky and get a really good one. 

She did ask me one day what Washington DC was ?

That's actually not as rare as you might think.  In 1976 I became a History and Government teacher (I continued part time as a police officer until 1985).  The next year (1977) one of the TV networks did one of those "Man on the street" surveys. I paid particular attention to it because I used it in my classes. One of the questions they asked was "Who is the Vice President of the US?"  50% didn't know.  To be fair, Mr. Mondale was never known for his instant recognition and sparkling wit, but 50% not even knowing his name does seem a little excessive.

My mom changed her mind about her after meeting her for ten minutes.  She thought of my wife as another daughter for the rest of her life.  My point is that, while you sometimes get a bad one, sometimes you get lucky and get a really good one.  

LOL Sounds like you were both perhaps lucky also a good judge of character. Good for you. Unfortunately that wasn't the case in either instance for this guy.  

She did ask me one day what Washington DC was ?

That's actually not as rare as you might think. 

Well that was just one quick tip of the iceberg of the silly, dumb, sometimes kinda stupid this lady would ask me. It wasn't just a one time thing, it was an almost daily occurrence, she really was out of touch with practically everything. She truly was a basket case, the doctor told her so and she thought it was funny enough to go around telling others what her Dr had said even. 

I tried to help her the best I could for the whole five years, even though she was not my charge, responsibility, family or even a friend. She was someone there supposedly to be helping him as well. But she couldnt, wouldnt and didn't even really take care of herself. She was a 60 year old clinically depressed alcoholic pill head who was not willing to get help or to do anything to help herself.

IMO: SHe was a parasite on the man and his social security, not much more. After all I did for her and all I did to try to help her, I had finally understood she didn't want help and she didn't want to help herself at all either even and I wasn't going to change that.  Ever !

My focus stayed on him. 

I'm the one who told Buzz that this one was too good to keep private.  I told him this after telling it to six people and getting back six cases of hysterical laughter.

Besides the private group, from which I have an extensive file of good ones told by members, for some years I was in a group of people on E-Mail who shared good jokes.  I'll put up a few of the best.  None of the ones from the private group members (and you all know who you are) will be put up without their permission.  The ones from E-Mail are pretty much open for use, since most of them have been floating around the internet for years.  Here's one about getting old.

Love number 10.  You have my permission to post any of jokes I've posted on your group.

Love number 10.

Number 4 made me break into a cold sweat.

You have my permission to post any of jokes I've posted on your group.

I figured that you wouldn't object to posting them here but wasn't sure whether you might have copies that you would want to do yourself.  Also, it's not really my group.  I'm just the custodian for the members.

I was great with Algebra, but Calculus killed my dreams of becoming a doctor.

You two are math-phobes!

LOL...you have my permission as well. 

My favorite...#3!!

Love the list, I'd add My favorite:

Eleventh -   You no longer care that your mouth now says just what your brain thinks. 

True freedom of speech !!

Good one from my E-Mail back in 2014 regarding alcohol.

Another one from E-Mail for all the dog lovers out there.  A little fuzzy, but readable.

LOL. Had to use a magnifying glass to read it, but it was worth the effort.

LOL. Had to use a magnifying glass to read it, but it was worth the effort.

That one was posted as a picture.  Just right click on it and select Save Image As.  Then select the folder on your computer where you want to save it.  Once it's opened with your photo program, you should be able to expand it.  I have a bunch more.  That one was sent to me by my cousin back in 2013.

The Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual " Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for this year:

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!
------------------------
SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...
--------------------------
FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.  Keep scratching. There's more..

Double hand scratching after this one..
-------------------------------

FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.
-----------------------------------

THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching..
-------------------------------------

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!
---------------------------------

FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000.  PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on!

Buzz note:  We actually learned the McDonald's case in Law School in Toronto, as an example of the hilarious frivolity of lawsuits brought in the USA that earned ridiculously high awards.

I remember one from The Darwin Awards where the winner didn't have to die in order to win.  The Darwin Awards don't require that you actually die but only that you remove yourself from the gene pool through your own stupidity.

In this case, a man had blown out a fuse in his car.  The fuses were of the old style tubular type and the fuse box was located at the base of the steering wheel right between his knees.  He didn't have an extra fuse and chose to replace the one that had blown out with a .22 Long Rifle cartridge.  While the cartridge did restore the active circuit, the electricity caused the primer to set the round off, which, of course, produced a lot of small shrapnel right between his legs.  Result:  Being a father just became a distant memory.  WOW, electricity can detonate a round of ammunition.   WHO KNEW?????

When i was a police officer, most officers chose to carry a few extra rounds of pistol ammunition loose in their pants pocket.  Some of them then chose (unwisely) to also put the spare battery from their walkie talkie radios in that pocket.  After a few of them had their pockets blown right off their legs, most departments put out a memo to the effect that the practice was a bad idea.  DUH!!!!

When I was in the Air Force we used to get the occasional memo about some dummy doing something dumb. They were preludes to the Darwin Awards

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

I love that. I won't take it but, I did think of how to do it.

Here are a couple more, both from E-Mail.

The Manager

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

Living in Pennsylvania

Although this one is labeled about Pennsylvania, I've seen them set up for pretty much every State north of the Mason Dixon Line.  Strangely enough, it was originally sent to me by a man whose screen name was Terry Falcon and who lived in Los Angeles.

-- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation, you live in Pennsylvania.

-- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you live in Pennsylvania.

-- If you walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you live in Pennsylvania.

and there's even more of these... 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Pennsylvanian when:

1. "Vacation" means going up north past I-80 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can discriminate between a "Lancaster" or an "Allentown" accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. It's shot up several times each hunt'n season...

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means West Virginia.

16. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.

18. You go out to the big Howard Johnsons fish fry every Friday and bingo at the Catholic Church every Wednesday.

19. Your 4TH of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Pennsylvania friends! (Hee, hee!)

Although this one is labeled about Pennsylvania, I've seen them set up for pretty much every State north of the Mason Dixon Line. 

The one for the State of Michigan included being able to pronounce (and actually having been to) the name of the town of Sault Ste. Marie and being able to correctly spell the word Mackinac.

it was originally sent to me by a man whose screen name was Terry Falcon and who lived in Los Angeles.

As a side note about Terry; some of you may have interacted with him.  He was on both NV and NT.  He once told me that he was the only guy on NV who had rereged over 20 times and had figured out a system that Tyler couldn't beat.  Whether he had or not, he moved to NT and was disappointed that he couldn't continue that game because Perrie was too nice to ban anybody.  Unfortunately,Terry died early in 2015, shortly after moving up to the Redwood country in California.

He once told me that he was the only guy on NV who had rereged over 20 times and had figured out a system that Tyler couldn't beat. 

Obviously Tyler or someone else figured out his system at least 19 times. 

I think I remember the name Terry from NV, but I may be wrong.

Obviously Tyler or someone else figured out his system at least 19 times. 

Nope.  The system (I think it had something to do with changing IP addresses) was never broken.  The reason they kept getting him was because he didn't change his on line behavior or his writing style.

I think I remember the name Terry from NV, but I may be wrong

Probably the same guy Buzz.  The Terry part was his real name.  The Falcon part was because he had restored a 62 Ford Falcon convertible (that was also his avatar; nice car).

Cool. By any chance do you have a photo of the Falcon?

Here are a couple of pics of a Ford Falcon Futura Convertible I copied from the internet:

Good looking car Buzz.

Thanks. Mustang can thank it too.

I have been following a '64 Falcon convertible resto project of a fella in Australia. It is in very good condition too.

Always liked them.

I drove convertibles from the time I was 21 until I was 29, but I got tired of how noisy, drafty and cold they were in winter and how hot the seats got in the summer, and the plastic rear windows would get scratched up so you couldn't see out of them (gave me a whiplash when I backed into a telephone pole), and my radio was stolen because they were so easy to break into.

Well, that wasn't much fun.

My first 2 cars were convertibles. A '65 GTO and a '65 Austin Healey 3000 MkII.

Haven't had a convertible since. Maybe someday again before I am unable to drive anymore.

Those are typically the kind of statements made for Ontario - in fact number 11 is almost the same as one I once saw for Ontario.

Those are typically the kind of statements made for Ontario - in fact number 11 is almost the same as one I once saw for Ontario.

Quite likely.  They're circulating all over the northern States of the US and probably most of Canada.  Only the local details are changed.  Emphasis is almost always placed on temperature and how cold it gets before we do much about it.  I remember that, the last time they had a big snow storm around Atlanta a couple of years ago, I really enjoyed teasing the guys from that area about how 0 degrees meant that we changed into long sleeve shirts.

I won't reveal which ones are …

… not true.

And there are quite a few that I could add …

… maybe later.