How to stop financially supporting your adult kids — and feel OK about it
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
Saving for retirement ? You might want to have a look at how much you’re spending on your kids — not the little ones, but the adults.
A recent report from Merrill Lynch and Age Wave found that parents are spending a combined $500 billion on their grown kids (ages 18 to 35) — double what they’re putting towards their own retirement.
According to the study, 79 percent of parents are helping their adult children in some financial way — whether it’s for their weddings, their cell phone bills or groceries.
Cutting the money cord can be difficult — especially if, as a parent, you’re watching your kid struggle with debt ( as the majority of millennials do) — but if you’re risking your own financial security, it’s crucial to close (or at least radically reduce) parental funding.
We talked to financial planners and therapists to get the best tips for handling this crucial transition.
YOU MAY HAVE ENABLED AN UNHEALTHY DEPENDENCY
“I have found in my practice that parents have been somewhat to blame in enabling adult children to remain financially dependent,” says James J. Ciprich , a certified financial planner with RegentAtlantic. “Often it starts right out of college and continues to a point where the adult children are even 10 to 15 years away from their own retirement. The problem is that parents in or nearing retirement may have enabled this practice without setting aside enough to enjoy their own retirement years or set aside additional funds for future healthcare-related costs.”
How did this problem begin? Probably from a place of love, but also from a place of painful attachment.
“I've had a few patients that have difficulty putting up financial boundaries with their children,” says Dr. Laura F. Dabney, MD , a psychiatrist and relationship therapist. “This is usually caused by the parents having a difficult time letting go of their child. When we refuse to let go, we prevent our children from learning the skills needed to be successful in life. We are hurting, not helping.”
You may have only meant the best by helping your kids financially, but enabling dependency only prevents them from becoming healthy, self-reliant adults.
“A parent’s role is to care for their children until they can take care of themselves,” says Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo , a psychologist and author of “Better Than Perfect: 7 Steps to Crush your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love”. “By continuing to give them money, you are preventing them from growing up.”
MAKE A TIMELINE FOR REDUCING OR ELIMINATING SUPPORT
If helping your kids is affecting your retirement goals, make a game plan for how to best reduce or eliminate financial aid. Be mindful not to pull the rug out from under their feet, but to inch it out gradually.
"Before you have a formal conversation with your adult kid, spend some time thinking through and talking with your partner [if you’re co-parenting] about when you want to officially cut the cord,” says Tess Brigham , MFT, BCC, therapist and life coach. “No matter how much money you're giving your child, you're going to want to give them some lead time to prepare for this change. The length of time will really depend on how much you're giving them each month. [If you’re giving them] a couple of hundreds dollars a month, then a month or two should be sufficient. If you're completely supporting them, then they'll need six months to a year of notice.”
Ideally, you want your child to be in a better financial place by time the plug has been fully pulled. But that may not materialize.
“The really hard part [is to] stop giving your child money by the deadline even if they are not in a better financial position,” says Patti B. Black , CFP and partner at Bridgeworth Financial.
EXPLAIN THAT THIS IS NOT A PUNISHMENT — BUT A WAY OF HELPING
Once you have your game plan mapped out, it’s time to have the big talk with your kids. As Brigham points out, you know your kid best, so come up with an approach that they’ll ideally respond to (e.g., whether this is better to do on the phone or in person).
However you go about this, you should clearly communicate to kids that this choice isn’t a punishment or a sign that you’re disappointed in them.
"Start the conversation by explaining you're not doing this to punish them in any way but to help them thrive and be independent,” says Brigham. “Most kids want to be independent and do not want to be completely supported by their parents. Share with them how proud you are of everything they have already accomplished and that you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't believe they had the ability to support themselves."
GIVE THEM A COUPLE DAYS TO PROCESS THIS NEWS
While you’re not firing your kids, it may feel something like that from their perspective. “Give your kid some time and space to process everything,” says Brigham. “You've had a few days to think about all of this and they are just getting the news. Give them some space to take it all in and be prepared for both positive and negative responses to this new plan.”
BE SUPPORTIVE IN OTHER WAYS
Cutting the cord doesn’t mean severing the parent-child bond. Let your kids know that you’re still there for them in terms of emotional support, and if willing, offer to help them strategize ways to generate more income.
"Ask your kid how you can support them through this process, other than financial support,” says Brigham. “Do they want your help in terms of looking for a job or possibly a higher paying job? Do they want you to call some of your friends about networking opportunities? Be OK with them saying 'no' and telling you they can do it on their own.”
YOU’VE BEEN GENEROUS. NOW YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF
“Feeling okay about cutting the purse strings off from your adult children depends a lot on how you've been dealing with this issue until now,” says Raffi Bilek , LCSW-C, a family therapist with Baltimore Therapy Center.
“If you feel you've been generous thus far, if you've tried to help your kids to a reasonable extent given your own financial situation, if you've given them the tools to be successful on their own, then you can remind yourself that you've fulfilled your responsibility and then some,” Bilek says. “Parents are not required to support children who are able-minded for their entire lives. You have a right to take care of your own needs. Although every parents wants to help their children as much as (and perhaps more than) they possibly can, there is no need to feel guilty about saving your money for taking care of your own needs.”
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I am kind of shocked that this is an actual problem. Is it that common?
I see it, but had no idea about the 79% stat.
It is an issue that I've seen a few of my friends have whether their kids get laid off, never had useful skills, got divorced, or are just plain lazy. Luckily although university for the daughter was an expensive time, the son didn't cost anything so it kind of balanced out and both got good jobs and moved out.
I had twins who went to university. They understood, that if they didn't get scholarships, that they would go to a state school since we had good state schools. They ended up getting full rides at a great university, and they are paying for their post grad work. I don't believe in supporting adult children unless there are extreme circumstances, so I was kind of shocked at the number of adult children being supported by their parents. I think it's not healthy for either.
Dear Friend Perrie: I am glad you alertly pointed out that there are certain circumstances, yes extreme, but also significant which may make adults opt to support in part or wholly offspring. They choose to do so knowing full well that this will adversely affect their retirement. They are also aware that as parents, they will be survived by the offspring(s) who are financially dependent upon them.
As a Rabbi and a Chaplain I regularly know of and meet with parents whose child and/or children are unable to fend for themselves. Not because the young ones are lazy, or failed to prepare themselves to self support.
Examples of this are degenerative disease, mental hygiene challenges, life altering injuries; and other such maladies.
The social safety network by which government, legitimately should pick up the ball when citizens cannot self support for reasons beyond their control, and their parents, in advancing and advanced age are unable to support them is almost entirely gone. As a society, we need to ask ourselves what kind of nation are we when we fail to care for the least of us who cannot care for themselves.
It is not enabling sloth to care for your own when they are not ale to do so themselves. It happens more often than people know about. This in't the sort of thing families want made public. It is also not what those who want public money for private and selfish purposes of which they want the public to become aware.
Pastors, social workers, case workers and Chaplains are aware of it. We see it daily.
This is probably a good topic for a successor article.
P&AB.
Enoch.
I totally agree. And my children know that if they are truly down, we are there for them. Same thing with our parents. And many times that has nothing to do with money but time. We have my father in law every other weekend when he doesn't have his aid and take him to all his doctors' appointments. This is why we could never leave where we reside. Too much family to make sure they are OK.
And I agree, this would be a great topic to write about. When to help and when you have become an enabler.
Agreed!
Americans being spineless, spoiling their children and making stupid financial decisions surely isn't all that shocking.
How does one stop financing their kids? Be poor.
I didn't experience with my kids.
How to stop financially supporting your adult kids — and feel OK about it
One method (although a bit late for many) would be to instill financial responsibility in them at an early age (an allowance for chores and oh the horror of the thought, a part time job). Teach them to separate needs from wants (food is a need a new I-Phone is a want).
Growing up my Father was a carte blanche kind of guy when it came to education, health and general well being, anything beyond that was considered frivolous and you were expected to pay your own way (for the most part). Wanted a new bike (nothing wrong with the old one), started caddying at eleven to earn the money (never did buy that bike), learned the value of a dollar early on and I thank my Father daily, brought my kids up the same way.
A concept that this generation of kids seems to have a problem with. But it was taught in my home.
It sounds like I had the same childhood as me!
I sure hope that you had your own childhood. LOLOL, better have another cup of coffee.
"Cutting the money cord can be difficult"
For my Wife ………………… YES !
For ME...…………… NO !
I'm asked EVERY OTHER DAY to contribute more to my ADULT Children !
My answer is STILL.........…….. NO !
Step 1. Decide to stop giving money to your adult kids.
Step 2. Decide not to feel bad about it.
My Daughter was physically unable to hold a full-time job, thus, when she was divorced and left with two small children I had no choice but to take her and the children in and support them. Her ex-husband moved out of state where they had no reciprocal with California regarding child support, so there were no funds coming from him to help. She found it hard to deal with the two babies and I had to step in and help with that as well.
I owned and managed my own business at the time, and it was hard to try to take care of the business and help with the children as well. When my Daughter walked on the youngest child went with her Father and the oldest stayed with me and I raised her.
I was raised that family comes first, We take care of our own. No matter who, what or why, we take care of our own. It was a situation where I could not turn my back on my family who were in need of help.
And I know that one day if I need help they will be there for me. As the saying goes, "The old take care of the young, and the young take care of the old."
For the record, I don't think anyone is suggesting people stop financially helping their disabled adult kids.
I know that, and my comment was merely meant to show that sometimes situations happen that can't be ignored. It did indeed put financial hardship on me at the time, but, money does not rule my life, and every penny spent was well worth it 100 times over. My family is 10 thousand times more precious to me than money. And I have lost both of my children and have had to live my life with that pain.
I can understand when a family has a child that is a leech, and expects their parents or other family members to support them long after they are grown up. I have seen situations like that several times in my life, and it makes me pity the parents, but, at the same time, I want to whoop them upside the head and try to open their eyes.
However, it is their own choice as to how they want to live their life. I might not agree, but, it is not my place to tell them how to live their own life. I just concentrate on my own life and how I want to live it.
So sorry about your kids, I've lost one and it most definitely gives one a different perspective on things like this. I agree with you totally.
Thank you lib. I a, so very sorry that you have also lost one of your own children. It is indeed hard to find a way to deal with the pain moving forward, but, I have my Granddaughter who truly loves me and brings such joy into my life.
(((((Raven)))))
If some parents can and they want to financially help their grown children then that is okay. What I see that is sad and disturbing is when grown children are constantly creating financial crisis by making bad decisions which virtually obligates their aged parents to intervene to keep homes and cars from being repossessed, utilities turned on and groceries on hand especially when their grandchildren are involved. This is just wrong, but lots of people fall into the trap of enabling their grown children's bad behaviors in order to spare their grandchildren the consequences of their imature parent's financial negligence, incompetence and, too often, just outright laziness...
Along this line to any parent that is loaning money to their children, get it in writing. I've read of a couple cases recently of when the kids were approached about repayment simply saying no. Without a loan being in writing there is no other recourse to get your money back
Maybe if we hadn't created a trickle down economy where the newly generated wealth is also directed to the top, our kids would be in a better financial position. Over the last 40 years I've watched this happen. Benefits shrunk and lost. Wages stagnant, even when productivity rises. Loss of medical insurance and care. Costs keep going up, we now have to pay for internet or be left out of everything. The safety net has shrunk and our kids are not even having kids because they can't afford it. Previous generations have contributed to the problem, we need to stop blaming the upcoming ones for everything. I'd say its our fault.
Those who have no other sources of credit are by definition bad debt risks...