Puns.  Don't say you haven't been warned 

  

Category:  The Lighter Side/ Humor

By:  buzz-of-the-orient  •  3 months ago  •  19 comments

By:   Sent to me in an email by my brother.

Puns.  Don't say you haven't been warned 


Puns.  Don't say you haven't been warned 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it  was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:'Keep off the   Grass.'

15. The  midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion       allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says,  'Are you sure? The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? 

      His goal: transcend dental medication. 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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Buzz of the Orient
1  author  Buzz of the Orient    3 months ago

Anyone got some good ones?

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
1.1  igknorantzrulz  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @1    3 months ago

what's a pun...?

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
1.1.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  igknorantzrulz @1.1    3 months ago

"Pun" (noun) - formally defined by Merriam-Webster:

"the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound"

M-W goes on to explain its origin:

 The origins of pun...likely traces to the Italian word puntiglio meaning “fine point, quibble.”

And then provides a more common, easily understandable meaning:

"Pun usually has...to do with silly or humorous double meanings"

I think the examples in the article indicate that quite clearly.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
1.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @1    3 months ago

I don't usually care for puns but sometimes a really clever one tickles my funny bone

 
 
 
Ender
2  Ender    3 months ago

A bunch of crows sitting on a wire.

One looked at another and said, it's murder up here.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
2.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Ender @2    3 months ago

Maybe I'm dense, but I don't get it.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
2.1.1  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @2.1    3 months ago

A group of crows are called a murder.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
2.1.2  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @2.1.1    3 months ago

LOL.  I didn't know.

 
 
 
Paula Bartholomew
2.1.3  Paula Bartholomew  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @2.1.2    3 months ago

I have always thought it was an odd term when birds are usually referred to as flocks.

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
2.1.4  igknorantzrulz  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @2.1    3 months ago

you don't have to keep crowing about it.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
2.1.5  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Paula Bartholomew @2.1.3    3 months ago

Maybe crows are criminal birds, and should be jailbirds.

 
 
 
Vic Eldred
3  Vic Eldred    3 months ago

I can't construct one at this moment, but I can share a famous one from "Alice in Wonderland":

“‘Mine is a long and a sad tale! said the Mouse, turning to Alice, and sighing. ‘It is a long tail, certainly,’ said Alice, looking down with wonder at the Mouse’s tail; ‘but why do you call it sad?’”

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7383151-mine-is-a-long-and-a-sad-tale-said-the

 
 
 
Sparty On
4  Sparty On    3 months ago

Old parochial school joke:

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

One more:

I once farted on an elevator.  

It was wrong on so many levels

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
4.1  igknorantzrulz  replied to  Sparty On @4    3 months ago

i once commented on an article.

It was wrong on so many levels, as my mausseus of words

rubbed about all the wrong weigh, as they could knot tie a not ambiguous mean meaning two my meandering Ms. you'se of N E & all, forwards comprised of letters muddied, but watered down

sediment of watt i said I meant, off X leeds to lead  collars on stray dawgs to unhappy beginnings of the endings when straying inn,

Chinese rest ore wants   Inn  the parlors of words massaged,

wear a Happy Ending was Warned buy all

that could/wood

on that they wood/could

Face it,   i'm 

Wong, awn in/sew many stitched together words,

it's like the weigh,   we abandoned the Kurds,

butt, my $hit naught meant to Bee a stinging kill

Buzz,   ore ,

oddly enough, a Buzz kill

me , cause you can tell me, F U want,

asz, i am,

and tell me,

cuz, not related too any taunt, just my being an

Un Wonton need, on a Buzz of the Orient Seed

.

If it takes a toll or oh fence me off and delete, asz Inn every either way,

know defence fore giving me an E Z passed out root for barking up the wrong treason, 

asz that's not what it was meant to be about,

just working on playing 

with fumbled words, but if not all having a ball, bearing on wons perspective eye see i might have lost

sew tear it up, if found too be not worth the cost.

Just want to Sparty on, and never be a Buzz kill, 

but wear there is way,    i usually Will           (it fits )

PS {everybody punny, now i'm not punny too}

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
4.1.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  igknorantzrulz @4.1    3 months ago

Okay, okay, YOU'RE the PUN KING!!!

3333112_0.jpg

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
4.1.2  igknorantzrulz  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @4.1.1    3 months ago

i don't get it,,,

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
4.1.3  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  igknorantzrulz @4.1.2    3 months ago

Oh, come on, your comment is full of puns, so you're the (pumpkin - pun king) king of puns. 

 
 
 
igknorantzrulz
5  igknorantzrulz    3 months ago

R U calling ME a PUNK !?

cause i am, 

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
6  author  Buzz of the Orient    3 months ago

As you wish.

 
 
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