How To Fail At Everything Without Even Trying

  

Category:  News & Politics

By:  eat-the-press-do-not-read-it  •  one month ago  •  26 comments

How To Fail At Everything Without Even Trying
A handbook for losers, written by a losers, for losers!



Friends, Fellow Newstalkers.com, consider this:   

There are advantages to being a "loser," there are NO expectations of success, which eliminates undue stress, that can lead to hair loss.

Losers are free to go about their chore "Willy-Niley," or, without Willy, or, Niley. Those two are "hangers-on," who refused to enter your closet and do their proper job, hanging up your clothes.  (That's why your clothes are always in a pile on the floor of your closet. It's not you. It's them!)

Being a "LOSER" is so refreshing. It's no crime. It's liberating!

Even my cat, Jill, approves, by lovingly purring, head-butting, and, licking my eyebrows, as she walks daintily across the keyboard, as I type, causing me to lose my place.


Let's face it, some of us are "born losers!" There is no shame in being a "Loser," especially if it is congenital. In fact, there are many benefits.

* You don't have to worry about the outcome. It is "self-evident!" 

* Goal setting" is not necessary.

* Developing a Strategy" is a waste of time. Just dig in, let it rip. It's fun and disjointed.

Haven't you ever longed to be "disjointed?"

One is Forever Free to do as one pleases, with no expectations, until your spouse comes home from working all day, while you slept, forgot to sweep the floor, and, do the dishes.

It's fun, exhilarating.

The Rules of Grammar, Spelling, and Logic do not apply. Embrace your "loser" side, feel the joy of not achieving.

Damn It, Fart Hell, have that second cup of coffee...oh, shucks, drink the whole darn pot before setting about your chores. Besides, you don't have a job, remember? You are a Left-leaning Liberal, an unemployed loser living off the "guv'mint tit"


Don't you love that free gov-mint cheese?

When some, aggressive, starched, overachiever throws the word "loser" in your face (like a swift uppercut punch from Muhammed Ali), "agree" with the attacker.

It will take the "wind out of their sail." Besides, people should not be sailing on streets, in offices, restaurants, etc.

(Please, remember to "Social Distant" (that shouldn't be a problem for "losers"), and wear your mask, that reads:  "Mask It, Or, Casket, Punk!" That should get you punched, again.


Write that down in your Loser's  Handbook!

Besides, fellow Left-Leaning Liberals and Right-Wing Nut Jobs, what's wrong with being a "loser?"

At least, we are "something," rather, than "nothing," to no one. 

I was once like you, but, now, I am not. I am proud to be a "loser," and, expect no more. Never am I bored, or, can I tell if I am bored. It all blends together magically.

If you are a "Certified Loser," and, want to learn more, send $20 in cash to Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, Flounder & CEO of the Bird Droppings Institute - A Think Tank For Losers, No, Idiots, Please, % Mildew, Ohio ("Where There Are No Jobs - Not Even Blow Jobs.")

(To verify my loser status, Grammarly, noted that there are 87 mistakes in this treatise that "should be addressed, "provided that I send them more money to "upgrade" their service. If that is not a testimonial to a "Loser," what is?
DJT?




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Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    one month ago

One should always be proud of what one is. Matt Gaetz is!

Is you?

 
 
 
FLYNAVY1
Professor Expert
1.1  FLYNAVY1  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @1    one month ago

Dear Eat the press,

I'd love to be a lose, but as an engineer.... If I miss my calculations, I can damage a bunch of equipment or even get someone hurt or killed.  

Can I somehow remain a 5 out of 5 at work, and become a loser at home?   2nd thought, the wife won't like the latter...

What can I do to remedy the situation?

Signed.... Hopelessly a winner for life.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
1.1.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  FLYNAVY1 @1.1    4 weeks ago

Well, that is a true predicament. I suggest that you might want to do it in silence. Embrace your "loser" self, when no one is around. Start out with some "Self-Loathing" mantras and ease your way into it.

It is an Art Form, you know.

 
 
 
Greg Jones
Masters Participates
2  Greg Jones    one month ago

Who be Matt Gaetz? Doesn't resonate or register on the relevance radar,

 
 
 
devangelical
PhD Principal
2.1  devangelical  replied to  Greg Jones @2    one month ago

[removed]

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Tessylo  replied to  devangelical @2.1    one month ago

The sleaziest of the sleazy, and there's a lot of them in the republican party, don't want to have anything to do with this sleaze!  LOL!

 
 
 
devangelical
PhD Principal
2.1.2  devangelical  replied to  devangelical @2.1    4 weeks ago

bwah ha ha, I hit meat...

 
 
 
cjcold
PhD Quiet
2.1.3  cjcold  replied to  devangelical @2.1.2    4 weeks ago

One can always tell by the thud.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
2.1.4  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  devangelical @2.1    4 weeks ago

I am certain that devangelical's above comment was a "whopper" of a good one, and, not just another greasy cheeseburger with all the condiments that no one wants to eat.

FREE devangelical!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
2.1.5  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Tessylo @2.1.1    4 weeks ago

That is the "Highest Honor" that can be bestowed upon a "LOSER." (Snubbed by the "Loser Party!")

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
2.1.6  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  devangelical @2.1.2    4 weeks ago

devangelical:

As an "Honorary" member of "Loser's Anonymous," and head of our "Recruitment Division," I, personally, want to commend you, and, your ilk, on the fantastic excitement you bring to our discussions.

Keep up your streak, and, never ever cave. There are plenty of reasonably clean motels one might hide within.  If you need, I can text you my "favorites."

(They are the ones that are cleaned monthly, which provides added solace).

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
2.2  Kavika   replied to  Greg Jones @2    4 weeks ago

He registers on the feds' radar. 

Did someone blocks you from watching TV, reading a newspaper, or the internet? Matt is all over the place, very high profile and it might get a lot higher.  

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
2.2.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Kavika @2.2    4 weeks ago

Now, Kavika, that is the kind of publicity, we, here, at "LOSERS UNITED" are seeking. "Losers" need to step forward and let their "loser" hand out.

Be proud of who, or, what you are, even if you are a rusty, old pack of Cuban Cigars.  

Remember, everyone has to be someone, at least once in a "Loser's Life."

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
2.3  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Greg Jones @2    4 weeks ago

Matt Gaetz is our new "LOSER" poster boy. His videos and compromising photos will be released to the general public, exclusively from "Losers Anonymous," after the indictment, but, before the trial. We have leakers everywhere, even in our underwear.

 
 
 
Thomas
Freshman Guide
2.3.1  Thomas  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @2.3    4 weeks ago
We have leakers everywhere, even in our underwear.

I have to hate it when that should occur, aftermath of put away wet, the drizzle from my loser wissel and I just took a shower and again it happens that the leaks are not gushers but dribblings out of bounds 

 
 
 
Gsquared
Sophomore Principal
3  Gsquared    one month ago

          800

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
3.1  pat wilson  replied to  Gsquared @3    4 weeks ago

That's the stuff of nightmares.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
3.1.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  pat wilson @3.1    4 weeks ago

Pat Wilson:  Some "losers" can be converted by bathing in a vat of battery acid, followed by a dip in chocolate, but, we do not recommend it. One should embrace their "loser" side or spend their entire life "crying" like #45.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
3.1.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  pat wilson @3.1    4 weeks ago

What is a "nightmare" made of? I have them all the time, especially, when sleeping.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
3.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Gsquared @3    4 weeks ago

This former "Loser POTUS" is being replaced by Matt Gaetz. Did you hate" (er, "have") any other candidates?

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Principal
4  Hal A. Lujah    4 weeks ago

Some losers go on to be famous and popular.  Others just go to congress.

384

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
4.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Hal A. Lujah @4    4 weeks ago

Exactly, Hal A. Lujah, our major competition for "LOSERS" is the new Republican Party and they are snatching them up before we can even put our pants on.  Damn it.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Junior Expert
4.1.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.1    4 weeks ago

Hallelujah: It has taken me three years to learn how to pronounce your name. That's fast for a loser. In honesty, and, for the purpose of full disclosure (because I don't want to get beat up, again) I must confess that it wasn't me that discovered how to pronounce your handle. It was David on my "Read Aloud" app.

I burst out crying when I heard David say it and been saying it ever since. Can you hear me?

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Principal
4.1.2  Hal A. Lujah  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.1.1    4 weeks ago

It’s a great handle for an atheist. jrSmiley_11_smiley_image.gifjrSmiley_20_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Principal
4.1.3  Hal A. Lujah  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @4.1.1    4 weeks ago

It’s a great handle for an atheist. jrSmiley_11_smiley_image.gifjrSmiley_20_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
4.2  Kavika   replied to  Hal A. Lujah @4    4 weeks ago

Now there are a pair of losers. 

 
 
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