PUNS - Come on, let's see a smile at least

  

Category:  The Lighter Side/ Humor

By:  buzz-of-the-orient  •  11 months ago  •  27 comments

PUNS - Come on, let's see a smile at least

PUNS - Come on, let's see a smile at least



John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus 2 days ago. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.  

 

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “ That's the last thing I need." 

 

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

 

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

 

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

 

Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.

 

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.

 

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

 

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

 

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

 

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

 

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

 

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

 

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.

 

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.




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Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
1  author  Buzz of the Orient    11 months ago

Sent to me in an email by my big brother.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
2  JohnRussell    11 months ago

Don’t ever believe an atom, they make up everything.

Who invented King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense!

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
2.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  JohnRussell @2    11 months ago

LOL

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
3  charger 383    11 months ago

Thanks for the laughs

 
 
 
Gsquared
Junior Principal
4  Gsquared    11 months ago

Really funny.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
5  Kavika     11 months ago

Ha, good ones Buzz. 

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
 
 
 
shona1
Sophomore Participates
6  shona1    11 months ago

They are hilarious Buzz... thanks for the laughs...if we ever lose our sense of humour we are all stuffed...

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
6.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  shona1 @6    11 months ago

What makes me smile is that you know how to spell "humour" in English. 

 
 
 
Bob Nelson
Professor Expert
6.1.1  Bob Nelson  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @6.1    11 months ago

Colonials gotta stick together... 

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
6.1.2  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Bob Nelson @6.1.1    11 months ago

Americans aren't colonials?  The only ones who AREN'T colonials are the Native Americans.

 
 
 
Bob Nelson
Professor Expert
6.1.3  Bob Nelson  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @6.1.2    11 months ago

Myth-busters! 

 
 
 
shona1
Sophomore Participates
6.1.4  shona1  replied to  Bob Nelson @6.1.1    11 months ago

Evening Bob...and we do it so well..😀😀🇦🇺🇨🇦

 
 
 
Bob Nelson
Professor Expert
7  Bob Nelson    11 months ago

I'm smiling! 

Thanks, Buzz. 

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
7.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Bob Nelson @7    11 months ago

Smiling's okay.  The only one that made me laugh out loud was the Snow White one, but then I'm into photography.

 
 
 
MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)
Junior Expert
9  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka)    11 months ago
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


 

In a Podiatrist's office:

 

"Time wounds all heels."



 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

 

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 



 

At a
Proctologist's door:

 

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

 



 

At an Optometrist's Office:

 

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

 



 

On a Plumber's truck:

 

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 



 

On another Plumber's truck:

 

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 



 

On a Church's Billboard:

 

"7 days without God makes one weak."

 



 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

 

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 



 

At a Towing company:

 

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 



 

On an Electrician's truck:

 

"Let us remove your shorts."

 



 

In a Non-smoking Area:

 

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 



 

On a
Maternity Room door:

 

"Push. Push. Push."

 



 

On a Taxidermist's window:

 

"We really know our stuff."

 



 

On a Fence:

 

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

 



 

At a Car Dealership:

 

"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

 



 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

 

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 



 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

 

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 



 

At the Electric Company

 

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

 

However, if you don't, you will be."

 



 

In a Restaurant window:

 

"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

 



 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

 

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 



 

At a Propane Filling Station:

 

"Thank heaven for little grills."


 

And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:

 

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 



 

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

 

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
9.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  MsAubrey (aka Ahyoka) @9    11 months ago

Very good, but it took me about two seconds to get the Electric Company one.

 
 
 
Snuffy
Senior Guide
10  Snuffy    11 months ago

The judge was having an affair with the bailiff...
   Apparently there was ardor in the court!

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
  Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.

It's ok if  your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck".
   You're still using fowl language.

How do trees watch TV?
   Paper-view.

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

OFFICER:  the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.
DETECTIVE:  dear god
OFFICER:  most likely yes

A clown once held a door open for me.
  I thought it was a really nice jester.

When John Wilkes Booth arrived in Hell, the devil decided that someone  who’d been so personable should serve a useful purpose. So he stationed John’s ghost perpetually on the wharf to collect the boatman’s fare from those bound across the Styx. 
  Which made him the phantom toll booth.

How to cook crack and clean a crab.
 Step one:  use commas

256

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
10.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Snuffy @10    11 months ago

Holy smoke - that image of the beaters just rekindked an early memory.

 
 
 
evilgenius
PhD Guide
11  evilgenius    11 months ago

A Biologist, a Chemist and a Statistician Are Out Hunting -

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Schrodinger Gets Pulled Over by a Cop -

The cop searches the trunk and says, "Do you know there's a dead cat in here?"

Schrodinger says, "Well I do now!"

I'm Reading a Book on Anti-Gravity -

I can't put it down.

I Have a New Theory on Inertia -

But it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

A Wife Sends Her Software Engineer Husband to the Store -

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six!"

Later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him why he bought six cartons of milk and he replied, "They had eggs."

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
11.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  evilgenius @11    11 months ago

LOL.  I had to look up Schrodinger.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
12  author  Buzz of the Orient    11 months ago

Thanks to all for keeping the laughter going.

 
 
 
Veronica
Masters Expert
13  Veronica    11 months ago

jrSmiley_4_smiley_image.png

 
 
 
MrFrost
Professor Principal
14  MrFrost    11 months ago

"Toilet stolen, police have nothing to go on."

 
 
 
MrFrost
Professor Principal
15  MrFrost    11 months ago

"A horse is a very stable animal."

 
 
 
MrFrost
Professor Principal
16  MrFrost    11 months ago

"A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath."

 
 
 
MrFrost
Professor Principal
17  MrFrost    11 months ago

"Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery."

 
 
 
Gsquared
Junior Principal
17.1  Gsquared  replied to  MrFrost @17    11 months ago

That's great.

 
 

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