BREAKING: Jesus seeks new brand management
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
GOLGOTHA – After a tumultuous, decades-long relationship with Evangelical Christians, Jesus H. Christ finally announced He is seeking bids for new brand management. The announcement arrived today via burning bush.
“I’m not supposed to say this, but you can only forgive people so many times,” Jesus said, after flipping a table. “I left very simple instructions: Love your neighbour. That’s it. Pretty straightforward. And yet, again, I’m dealing with these women-hating, white supremacist, gun fuckers. I don’t know if it’s a literacy issue, but I need new representation. I can’t work with these assholes anymore.”
Jesus confirmed that while He still loves evangelicals – because He has to – they are 100% to blame for His declining brand equity and loss of followers.
“At the very least, I need a brand management team that can read a room,” Jesus continued, with unspeakable grace. “That’s a big priority for me going forward. If they can’t commit to basic human decency, it would be cool if they understood how to spend less social capital than they actually earn.”
The brand manager RFP is slated to close whenever Jesus can find people that don’t freak out about Pride month, or critical race theory, or helping the poor, or yoga, or hearing Happy Holidays.
In the meantime, the Holy Trinity is trying to figure out how to convince evangelicals to stop clobbering Instagram with unsolicited Bible verses.
“Every attempt we’ve made to get these people to cease and desist has been misinterpreted as the devil’s work,” said the Holy Spirit. “I visited a couple churches personally, and they did a big exorcism to get rid of me. It’s all very annoying.”
Looking ahead, Jesus said he has started to read proposals. He couldn’t comment on anyone’s standing, but sources say He’s trying to poach Robert Downey Jr.’s publicist.
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New brand or not, He's not coming back. Neither am I and nor are you ... lot's to cheer about.
The sad part is you could have done better with that kind of satire than the overly blunt Jen Reeves.
You let your fans down today.
Tomorrow is another day, but then again, time is vicious when you waste it.
Just keeping pace with you not elevating your disciples.
You've got a lot of fucking nerve.
You let us down every day with your hateful ignorance against all Democrats/Liberals/Progressives.
You don't actually let us down, I expect nothing from you but what you provide, you never disappoint with your hateful ignorance against all Democrats/Liberals/Progressives.
Go back to your own 'articles' you on your high horse looking down on us.
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You didn't let us down Hal.
speak for yourself
Hal made me laugh for the first time today. You on the other hand never give me a deep felt belly laugh.
I only laugh in derision on certain 'articles'.
It's just so pompous and arrogant and hateful and asshole-ish when certain folks speak for others.
Or the person who thinks that he knows what's in other people's head and heart.
Incredibly, this is a real thing. Religious Neanderthals have, for decades, engaged in fear mongering about MFing yoga. Because you go in there and they say “namaste” or “ohmmm” or something, it means they hate God, and you will be brainwashed into forgetting you’re a Christian.
Or something.
Namaste means nothing more than peace, doesn't it? Who came to bring peace to the world?
Besides, yoga is fun once you get into it
Yeah, well, trying to get these people to relax and enjoy life a little never seems to work.
As I get older I make time to relax. Of course it's easier that the kids are out of the house, but I don't stress on stupid stuff like a clean house and every body's laundry is done.
The latest is that the Evangelicals are upset because the city stopped them from Baptisms in the local lake. They were polluting the water and the beach is my guess.
I doubt it has anything to do with pissing in the pond.
It's all that snot after being held under for a good minute or two
He should do like Colonel Sanders and be his own spokesman
I hate to break it to Jesus, but some people are just not worth dying for.
Like #45. The SS agents even lie for him. Do you think they'd take a bullet for the steaming pile of shit?
I sure hope Jesus finds the right marketing company. Re-making an image after 2000 years is going to be tough
Let’s be honest - Jesus hates more than just the evangelicals. In the US we have a two party system. One of them wears Christianity on its sleeve while promoting policies that serve to make poor people more poor and rich people more rich. Neither party really cares about helping sick people get well. Most days I feel like I’m one of the only people he would actually like, and I’m an atheist. Christianity screwed the pooch by immutably setting the bar out of reach.
Had a nice chat with the Magdalena gal last night, she told me Jesus was sorta okay but those other 12 guys? "Oy vey, they're all gay!"