Marriage Jokes for Adults
Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married Helena a good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
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Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
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Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realises he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
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THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
BUZZ NOTE: I could see that result coming as soon as I read the second sentence.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REQUIRED: A twisted sense of humour.
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Thank you, Buzz!
And thanks for my morning giggles
I aim to please....
Emailed to me by my brother - he's on a roll these days. He also sent me this one that has nothing to do with marriage but does echo the feelings of some Canadians these days, me included.
My brother's on a roll tonight. Now he just sent me this one...It had Canadian provinces but I changed it to American cities to make it understandable by Americans.
A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Tallahassee, watched her playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
He replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.
“Well", she said, "that may be OK in San Francisco but we're not having any of that shit here in Tallahassee, ”.
The lefties will probably shit on me for that one.
Not a marriage joke per se, but what the heck.....
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end protusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
that is a good one
Funny, but factually wrong. Henry Ford didn't invent the car, it was invented many years previously by someone else, but he did create mass production of the car, and was rewarded by the Nazis for assisting them in their war efforts.