Piece of shit cat knocks over fucking swear jar
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice.
“That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said Darren Watson, a podiatrist and father of two. “He’s the fucking reason we’re using the goddamn swear jar in the first place, because everything that asshole does makes us curse like fucking sailors.”
The incident took place on Sunday, while the Watsons were gathered around their kitchen table playing a heated game of Balderdash.
The cat, a domestic shorthair the Watsons found in a dumpster, has destroyed numerous ceramics, heirlooms and pieces of furniture since it was adopted in 2018.
“We’ve all been trying so fucking hard to clean up our language but he makes it damn near impossible,” said Marianne, the family’s matriarch. “I honestly think he enjoys it when he makes me say stuff like ‘cocknugget’ in front of the kids.”
“Everybody calls Furvel stupid, but he’s actually a genius,” said Josie, holding the offending cat in her lap. “He only does bad stuff because he knows all the money in the swear jar goes towards spoiling him. He’s a crafty little bastard.”
At press time, the Watsons had already spent the $174 from the broken jar on a new scratching post, a memory foam cat bed, and ten pounds of bluefin tuna. When asked why they were rewarding the animal’s bad behaviour, a representative from the family said, “We can’t help it, he’s just so fucking cute.”
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... "cocknugget"? That's a new one.
Yeah, I thought I was a fairly fluent potty mouth when necessary, but I never heard that one.
Adding to my repertoire.
Is that the beastie in the photo? He is cute. I'd let get away with murder.
Oh...wait...I already let someone get away with murder
some unknown feline urinated in my shower last week. feline will soon experience the futility of climbing a plastic shower curtain...
Futile to the feline, or you? You're the one who's going to have to buy a new shower curtain.
I don't see him clearing the rod at 7 feet with wet feet...
That's cuz you don't use your claws to climb. I'm seeing shredded shower curtains and a cat who pisses on your bathroom rug for revenge.
basic physics has prohibited this particular feline offender from access to my bed...
He's too cute to be mad at.
That's my Furry Over Lord, Mistress Charlene. BTW, how is yours doing?
Cats are loveable serial killers.
house cats are the aristocracy of mammals on the planet...
And they never forget, or let their subjects forget.
the 2 cats I'm around act like I'm invisible, until they want something. their current training program is a failure.
Mine do the same, unless they're actively seeking to get in my way. One always jumps on the counter and sticks his tail up my nose when I'm brushing my teeth. And they're both always underfoot in the kitchen, along with the dog. I suppose they're hoping that if they trip me, I'll drop some food.
4 legged creatures are pretty far down the list of those that I'll listen to...
Maybe that's why they pee in your shower
There's an olde saying:
In ancient Egypt cats were worshipped as gods. And they've never forgotten it!
no feline that's missing it's testicles will ever become a dominate male ...
my kid's dogs always plant themselves next to me at the dinner table, as if I don't know the house rules...
I never get to eat unwatched. I have to show my dog my empty hands to get him to stop whining.
I'm glad I had a dog when the youngest was little. He was a messy eater and the dog was more than happy to clean the floor for me. She camped out under his chair every night
my son's dog longs for those days long past with my granddaughter at the table...
Aww..poor pooch.
My Missy passed away before the Toddler Tornado stopped making a mess (he was 13)
I attract all of the 4 legged beggars now. I copped a k9 rep last labor day when a few hot dogs rolled off the bbq.
I can sympathize. I once fostered a couple cats for someone for about six months while they moved and got settled in across the country. We eventually figured out that the albino one was deaf after it would knock every glass off the counter just to casually watch it shatter across the floor. Probably should have figured that out by his attacking the vacuum cleaner while it was running.
I gained a temporary feline roommate a few years ago because she couldn't get along with her k9 brother. she was only interested in getting in my face when I was on the phone or laptop. when the dog died she went back home and either found somebody she liked better or went out to dinner with the coyotes shortly after...
Wait a second. I thought we Canadians were supposed to be really polite, This story is OBVIOUSLY satire.
Haven't I always been polite? I mean, I only use the F word when I'm REALLY angry.