Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP's Female Experience Simulator - The Onion
Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOPs Female Experience Simulator
WASHINGTONWaiting in line and nervously watching as, one by one, his fellow presidential candidates took their turn inside the machine, Gov. Scott Walker told reporters Thursday that the GOP Female Experience Simulator had so far left every contender for the partys nomination disoriented, confused, and deeply distressed.
According to Walker, the 16 male candidates sat restlessly in folding chairs that had been set up in the basement of Republican National Committee headquarters, waiting in tense silence until the time came for them to walk up to the entrance, open the hatch, and step inside the simulator, a mechanical device designed to mimic the experience of being a woman in the United States.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
The two-term Wisconsin governor admitted the sight of his party rivals emerging bewildered from the rectangular metal box had left him intensely concerned about the horrors that awaited within.
I have no idea what happens in therenone of us do, said Walker, who noted that former Florida governor Jeb Bush had bounded confidently into the Female Experience Simulator, only to emerge minutes later looking deathly pale, clutching his head, and murmuring incoherently to himself. I know [RNC chairman] Reince [Priebus] says we have to do this if we want to win, but right now Im terrified to go in there. Whatever it is, that thing seems to be ripping everyone to shreds.
When Bobby [Jindal] came out of there, he was just completely unresponsive, almost catatonic, Walker added. I dont think he even recognized me.
The simulator is reportedly seen by top Republican strategists as their last best hope of forcing the partys candidates to connect with women voters. Beltway insiders confirmed that each potential nominee is required by the RNC to spend a minimum of 15 minutes inside the machine, and that GOP operatives have been instructed not to let anyone exit the reinforced-titanium chamber early, no matter how loud the pained screams from inside may become.
Hunched over and appearing to break into a cold sweat, Walker explained that his growing dread of the simulator was not eased by the fact that medical personnel had set up a triage station at the machines exit and were standing by with oxygen masks, a gurney, and IV bags.
Oh, my God, look at Marco! What happened to him? Walker said when a glassy-eyed Sen. Rubio stumbled out of the chamber, his aides immediately throwing a blanket over his shoulders and offering him a glass of water while a paramedic checked the dilation of his pupils. Nobodys making it out of there in one piece. Mike [Huckabee] was the first to go in, and the next time we saw him he had this shell-shocked look frozen on his face. He just wasnt the same person. Walked right out of the building and kept going. Who knows whats happened to him by now?
Then Rand [Paul] realized he was up next and puked all over the place, Walker continued. His knees literally buckled, and it took three men to carry that poor guy through the door and into the simulator. God, I dont even know if the presidencys worth this kind of torture.
At press time, sources confirmed that a GOP official had pulled the Female Experience Simulators emergency-stop lever after a hysterically screaming Sen. Ted Cruz began smashing himself against the glass of the door, tearing off his clothes, and drawing blood as he clawed at his own flesh.Sources say Rick Perry hyperventilated and then ran out of the waiting room to avoid having to go into the simulation chamber.
Tags
Who is online
391 visitors
I love it!
But, I think they need a lot longer than 15 minutes...
LOL, they probably do need more than 15 minutes Dowser.
I would say we need Trump to go in there, but I wouldn't want to be the person who has to wash what's left of him off from the floor and walls.
LOL, they really nailed it this time Feronia..
LOLOLOL, a ''girly man''...Good one Max.
Stage 5 infections abound Randy.
Whoever would have to be the one to clean up his exploded body inside the booth would need to wear a bio-hazard suit.
There is now a male simulator test as well :
The US Marines tested all-male squads against mixed-gender ones, and the results were pretty bleak
OK petey, but what does that have to do with this article?
The article is about gender simulators ... right ?
Yes it is. A Onion (satire) article vs a article about mixed gender units vs all male units. Ok, whatever.
Though like many Onion articles, they many times contain as much reality as satire.
That's the brilliance of ''The Onion'', Randy..And they hit the nail on the head on a consistent basis.
One GOP candidate who commented on the condition of anonymity said after his turn in the simulator
"It wasn't so bad; Republicans in general were part of the way there before entering the simulator."
The perplexed interviewer responded, "I'm not sure I understand. Can you help me with that?"
"Sure," said the GOP interviewee, "For one thing, no Republican has the balls to stand up to the NRA."
LMAO.