Parody: Starting A New Religion (Satire)
Narrator: One day, an unemployed dude with more time on his hands than he knew what to do withhaving failed everything he tried in the past, and disrespected by his family, peers and business associateswhile daydreaming, had a crazy brainstorm, a vision for lack of a better world.Mad Man: What if I were to invent a religion that would let me do anything I want?Narrator: So he headed downtown to the government office he was told handles applications for new religious organizations.Mad Man: Hi, is this the right window to register my new religion so that me and my future followers dont have to pay taxes and have other people pay taxes to us?Clerk: Well, Ive never exactly heard it put that way, but yes.s have my certificate.Clerk: Tell me again, what is the denomination you are part of?Mad Man: This is a new religion I made up with some really cool commandments. Hope you can be my first member.Clerk: New religion? New commandments? Im not sure this will fly. Let me make notes while you tell me a bit about your new religion. You can start by telling me some of your commandments. Perhaps it will be close enough to an existing religion that we can fast track your tax exempt status.Mad Man: Cool. Here are new cool 10 commandments.Number one, you can have four or five wives and also have sex with anyone who refuses to join my religion, whether they want to or not.Clerk: There are laws against things like that.Mad Man: Well, then Ill make my belief system both a religion and a Constitution that has its own laws.Clerk: Ive never handled a request for a new constitution, but I supposed we can slip it in under the radar as part of your religion.Mad Man: Second, as founder of my religion, I want to be able to have sex with underage girls too, whether they like itClerk: or not. I figured as much.Mad Man: Sounds like youd fit in well with my new religion. Third, I want to be able to commit acts of violence and treason and all-out war against the state and its outdated constitution since Im a liberator.Clerk: Im not sure this will fly. We have anti-violence laws and anti-hate crimes that carry even larger penalties.Mad Man: No problem. Number 4: My religious constitution will define these actions as religious acts of peace.Clerk: Any other commandments?Mad Man: Five: If anyone gives me and my gang any trouble, we want to be able to bump them off, with impunity.Clerk: Ive been at this job 45 years; and shortly after I started, they legalized killing unborn childrenso I suppose that shouldnt be too hard to make legal. Were making progress; anything els?eMad Man: Six, anyone who isnt yet enlightened enough to join my religion must be forced to do whatever I say or they die, without my getting into any trouble since I have a separate constitution in my religion with my own laws that supersede all the laws of the state.Clerk: Perhaps, since the First Amendment protects everyones religion.Mad Man: Good, Ill allow that law to stand but get rid of the rest. Seven: As part of our doctrine, we can say it is our heartfelt belief that our creator wants us to have all people who dont join our religious club to pay a religious tax to us. Eight: And if they dont pay our religious tax, we can kill them. Nine, like in Cloud 9: We need to give our followers incentives, you know, rewards, like being able to have sex with a beautiful virgin, or 10 at once or 20. And if they give their life while fighting for our cause, we can give them 70 virgins, posthumously.Clerk: OK, seventy it is. But for the posthumous part, Ill need to refer you to another department in the basement by the coolers.Mad Man: I think thats it.Clerk: But thats only 9. I thought you had 10 Commandments.Mad Man: OK, number 10: Since other religions have an unfair head start on us, we will add one more clause that authorizes usno, make that commands us, to kill as many of these other religious members as we want to level the playing field. Gee, would that be hard?Cleark: No, to to hard.Mad Man: Great, well call that part, Holy Gee Hard. That about does it. May we have our tax exemption now?Clerk: Sorry, I cant do that?Mad Man: Why not? http://www.westernjournalism.com/parody-starting-a-new-religion/
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XXJefferson51
9 years ago
Because that exact religion and constitution already exist. The religion is called Islam, and its companion constitution is Sharia Law. Im a Muslim. How would you like to visit my Mosque? Its right up the road on the left. I think youd like it. Its just as you described.Mad Man: Uh, sure.
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