The Joke Book, Volume 1

Leading off:

This partial baseball score just in. Home team 4.

Confucius say: He who flies upside down has crack up.

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer pore ol Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! B' Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

Guess nobody's got a sense of humor - they're arguing gun shit.

Anglos have BC and AD to measure time. Native People only have the four BC's****

Before Columbus
Before Custer
Before Commodity....
Before Costner!!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? -Polaroids.
What do Eskimos get from rubbing noses too many times? -Sniffilis.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? -A stick.

Remember, one cannot make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on their butt, and who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?

cracked

Funny stuff - language alert

Ooooooh, I love Confucius jokes.

Confucius say: He who fart in church sit in own pew.

A man and woman meet in a bar, and after a few drinks retired to the woman's home for a roll in the hay.

The man removed his shoes and socks, and the woman responded in horror, "Oh, my! Those are the most awful feet I've ever seen!" "Well", the man replied, "when I was young I contracted tolio, and that's how my toes got that way.". "Tolio?", the woman asked. "I thought that was polio. I'm not sure about that."

The man continued to disrobe, revealing a pair of gnarled knees. The woman responded with similar horror. The man replied, "When I was young, I got a bad case of the kneesles, and that's how my knees got that way". And again, the woman expressed her skepticism at the excuse, pointing out that she was only familiar with the measles.

Finally, he removed his boxers. The woman took one look and said -

"Don't tell me. Small Cox."

Before Commodity....

Huh ?

After twenty years with his nose to the grindstone, the Wall St. investment banker had loads of money, but his family had left him because he worked so hard at his business he had time for nothing else. So he quit the world of finance, bought himself a parcel of land on the Shetland Islands, and moved there to contemplate life and what he should do with the rest of it.

He had been there for two months and had seen nary a soul till one day a burly shepard form across the island showed up at his house.

"I'm 'ere ta invite ye ta a party! A wild, Shetland Party!" he exclaimed as he clapped a baseball glove sized hand on the ex-bankers shoulder.

Ohhhh, A Party! thought the man, I haven't seen anybody since I got here, and here this person turns up and invites me to a party... What luck!

"I would enjoy a party," said the man.

The shepherd looked at him ought of the corner of his eye. "I've got to warn yeh, though, Thar'll be drinkin'! Lots of wild Shetland Drinkin'!"

"Well that is just fine" said the man, thinking that this was just getting better and better, "I've been known to have a drink now and again, And in my younger days I had no problem keeping up with the even the heaviest drinkers. Sure, that is spectacular!"

"And thar'll be dancin too. Lots of wild Shetland dancin'!"

Oh my, thought the man. "Yes. Please go on."

"An thar'll be fightin'. Lots'a wild, Shetland Fightin'!"

Growing as excited as the huge shepard, he said, "Well. I was the boxing champion of my division in the Marines! I could go for some roughness! Work the kinks out of my body!"

Leaning in conspiratorially with a wink and a nudge, the shepherd said in a stage whisper, "An thar'll be sex! Lots'a wild, Shetland sex!"

These people really know how to throw a bash, the man thought, already planning for meeting women, of which he hadn't seen as much as a hair since his arrival. Turning to look at the shepherd he asked, "What should I wear?"

The islander just laughed. "Oh, come as yeh are. It'll just be you 'n' me."

BIA services on the Rez - powdered milk, powdered eggs, spam, cheese

Yup - just gave up my thoughts on taking a trip to an island

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin."

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

U. S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldnt hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.

I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.

I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know Im not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my snicker basic training, I will be a not-so-lean, semi-mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, chair borne Ranger.

I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it.

I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted EVER and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature:___________________ Date:_________________

U. S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldnt score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, Im not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy wont take me because I cant swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I cant figure out how to use blousing straps.

I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.

After completion of my sexual er I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart.

I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished.

I will arrive at work everyday at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the COMPANY.

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and end up working construction with my friends from high school.

I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I cant pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:_________________________ Date: __________________________

U. S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too corporate, and because I thought, Hey, I like to swimWhy not?

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.

I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like deck, bulkhead, cover, and head, when I really mean floor, wall, hat, and toilet.

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year.

I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found colleagues.

So help me Neptune.

Signature: _________________________ Date: _________________________

Gene - this is the very best oath of all - one you and I took very voluntarily and "lovingly", eh?

U. S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ____________________ (state name here), swear . . . .uhhhh . . . . high-and-tight. . . . . . . . . . cammies . . . . ugh . . . . Air Force women . . . . .OORAH!!!!!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print: ______________________________

Oh so true - almost got my butt killed the first day in boot - called the DI a DI, Sir - jjjeeeezzzzz.

Yes sir - equal opportunity service lovers - that's us

You forgot to add "kill kill kill"

Also, every word there must be modified with a word that rhymes with the word duck.

The officer's oath for each one is a bit different, in that it must include the phrase, "Despite the total inability to find my ass with both hands".

The Spoon.....

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' & noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water & utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen & save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon & he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. I was impressed, & then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string hanging from your fly?'

'Oh,certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also taught us how to save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it & eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put your 'you-know what' back in your pants?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "frack", the Rottweiler ate him!

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline,"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"

"But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the Reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"

"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you like?''

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: "Mommy?"
mom: "What?"
boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"
mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."
boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?

Thanks for putting us 1st, 1st. Where we belong.......

This is awesome!

I love it when a good plan comes together

"It ain't nothin' till I call it."

---Bill Klem, umpire

"I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation."

---Satchell Paige

Pat & Mike are out fishing and Pat snags something--- he reels in a funny-looking corroded old lamp. As he's rubbing off the crud, there's a puff of smoke and a genie appears & offers them each a wish. Pat immediately says "I wish I hada case of Guiness on ice right here"-- puff of smoke, a cold case of Guiness appears. Mike instantly declares "I wish the whole damn lake were Guiness"-- presto, they're floating in the middle of a 12-acre pool of Guiness.

"Michael, are ye' daft man," Patrick shouts "Just look what ye've done now..."

"What's wrong w' you?" Mike demands, "I got us a whole damn lake full a' Guiness!"

"And now we'll have to piss in the boat..."

Man walks into a bar carrying a fancy steamer trunk. He sits it on the bar and opens double doors on the front, revealing velvet curtains-- he pulls back the curtains and inside is a miniature grand piano. A little door opens on one side, and out walks a foot tall guy, wearing a miniature tuxedo. The little man sits down and begins to play classical music--- Bach, Beethoven, Chopin... he does a 40 minute piano set, takes a tiny bow and walks back into his miniature dressing room. The crowd goes crazy, packing in at the bar, buying the fellow drinks, clapping him on the back, etc etc etc.

Bartender says "Okay, buddy, for you, drinks on the house, rest of the night, just tell me-- what's the story?"

"Well," the guy says, "Me family emigrated here from Ireland when I was just a babe in arms. I grew up hearin' stories about the old country, the grand times in the land I never knew. I always swore that if I made me fortune, I go back and see the land of my forefathers. I worked hard, and America was good to me... I made my pile in the stock market, and last year I cashed in and went back to the mother country. I went to Dublin, I toured the great cathedrals, and I went out into the country to see the moors.

I was walkin' amidst the heather when I heard a thrashin' in the bushes--- there was a Leprechaun whose leg was caught by a fallen stone. I rushed over and grabbed him, held him while I moved the rock & set him free. I knew the tales that if you catch one of the wee folk, they have to grant ye a wish. Well, it was true, he offered me anything I'd want in return for his freedom-- I knew exactly what I wanted, I told him forthwith & straightaway of my fondest wish...

But, the Leprechauns, y'know, they don't talk much English, 'tis Gaelic they speak--- there was a bit of a translation problem...

And that's how I ended up with a twelve-inch pianist."

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

I don't really like watching basketball, I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

lol That's funny!!!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

Tongue In Cheek Signs - Priceless!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
*************************************************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -

miss a car payment."
*************************************************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
*************************************************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
************************************************************

At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
***********************************************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,

Come on in and get fed up."
***********************************************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
******************************************

At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
************************************************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

ROFL

An old ugly man walked into a drug store and asked the pharmacist for a package of condoms.

The pharmacist said

"Do you want a bag for these" ?

The ugly old man said

"No , she's pretty good looking"

Computer service phone call

service tech: Hello how may I help you?

Lady, I just bought a new printer and the monitor says it cant find printer.

service tech, Is it pluged in?

Lady, Yes it is!!! I even moved the new printer right in front of the monitor and it still can't find the printer....

service tech,...."click"

Good stuff 1st!

Nice! And good ot see you around, Tzia!

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew.
They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.
This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain ..........

"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."
"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."
"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."
"British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?"
"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop !!!"

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Thanks Spike, I've been here since the start.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

The USAF Chief Master Sgt.

A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief are off the flight line together for lunch.
While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" Says the MSgt,
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" Says the TSgt.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman."

Poof! He's gone.

You're next, the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says,
"I want those two back on the flight line right after lunch."

Some military humor:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General MacArthur

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

I can think of about 101 of those that came true during my tours in 'Nam - amazing, ain't it?

Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus on his shoulder-- tentacles dragging on the ground behind him. Bartender looks up & says "Get that thing outta here!" "Hold on" the guy answers, "I'll bet you a double shot of whiskey the octopus can play any musical instrument in the place..." Bartender reaches under the bar and tosses over a harmonica; guy hands it to the octopus & the octopus blows harp like Stevie Wonder-- bartender pours a double. Bartender produces a trumpet; guys gives it to the octopus & octopus plays trumpet like Louie Armstrong-- bartender pours another double.

In the next hour, the octopus plays an ocarina, a set of bongo drums, six string guitar, 12 string guitar, upright piano, slide trombone and a full drum set with floor tom, double base toms and dual Ziljian high-hats-- bartender keeps pouring doubles. Finally, the guy reels off the bar stool & says "Time 'a go now, occapush had had enuff..." Bartender says "Wait a minute, buddy, I got one more try..." He runs down in the basement and comes back up with a totally beat-up, filthy greasy dusty old bagpipe. Guy hands it over, the octopus pumps up the bag just right, arranges all the pipes,wraps his tentacles around it and rolls right off the bar stool...

"Hah," says the bartender, "I knew that'd stump him!"

"Just a second," the man replies, "As soon as he finds out it won't screw, he'll play it."

Don't laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 and older!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out...

8. You can eat supper at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the

room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off..

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather

service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them

either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and completed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m., and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

ROFL !! Good one!!

Herbert A. Millington

Chair - Search Committee

412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University

College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Chris L. Jensen

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I've finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I'mstarting to feel better already!"

Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist/Humorist, Dave Barry

Igudesman and Joo: All By Myself

The Blonde Golf Championship

Bambi and Candi are standing on the 18th tee at their Country Club.

They are the final twosome in the Blonde Golf Club Championship and are tied for the lead.

The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Bambi and Candi hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley.

A short time later, the fore caddie (also a blonde) appears at the top of the hill and

announces that both balls are within a foot of each other, but there's a problem. Both

of the golf balls are Titleist #4s.

Bambi and Candi look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other

as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.

They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls

are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.

Candi looks at Bambi and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official

to straighten this out."

"This is the Blonde Golf Championship and we don't want to be disqualified

for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist golf balls.

He then looks up at Bambi and Candi and says,

"Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

Stars & Bars Forever!!

President barack obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama?? a heavily accented southern voice said. "This
is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg, and I
am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.

Barack paused. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in myarmy waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. Mr. Obama, the waris still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mikes farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Jimmy Boy, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!!!!

OOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

lol That's exactly what I thought when I read this.

Somebody's got to be some sorta sick puppy to do that - Hannibal Lechter they're not.

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?

A. Finger prints.

Ouch, Tzia! For everyone else, please keep it on the high side of good taste.

"Guys are simple...women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

The one-and-only, Dave Barry

Which really raises the question of how he could tell....

A blonde out walking encounters redhead standing by the side of the road, pumping her fists up & down and chanting "thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three..." "What's that you're doing?" Blondie inquires. "It's the Mystic 33 Energy Mantra" the redhead says, "You just pump your arms up and down and say the mantra and you can feel positive energy flowing through you... just try it."

The blonde does the fist-pump and chant and says "Wow, you're right, I do think I feel my energy getting better." "Yeah, and it works even better when you're out in the open" the redhead replies, "Try stepping out from under the trees." Blondie walks out into the middle of the street and begins chanting "Thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-three..." Just then a semi roars around the curve, smacks her in the back and knocks her 60 feet down the road.

Redhead begins pumping her fists up & down, chanting "Thirty-four, thirty-four, thirty-four..."

buahahaha

*snort*

hahahaha.

A newly wed couple were looking out their front window one day and there in the street were two dogs having dog sex.

The husband turns to his wife and says, "We should try that, my love."

The wife, being a shy and timid young lady says, "Oh, no. I don't think I could do that."

The husband is disappointed and he remains quiet for a week or so. Then he brings up the subject again. His lovely, timid wife again tells him no.

Again, a couple weeks later, the husband asks his timid wife if they could please do what the doggies were doing. The wife is very hesitant, but she wants to please her nearly perfect and loving husband. She thinks and ponders the question very earnestly and finally says, "Well, OK. But, only in the driveway and not in the street."

Mal likes that one...

"What To Wear When 'Yachting'"

ROFL !! Funny stuff!

Golfers are wonderful people well ....most


A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

- - - -

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

- - - -

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks,

"What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says,

"I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church,

we keep our head down."

- - - -

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times...just put me down for a five."

- - - -

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two shots didn't I?"

- - - -

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

ROFLOL !!

What, boogers don't taste good????

This one's for you, 1st:

Guy goes out in the morning to play golfwith his buddies. Late that afternoon, he comes home looking bothered and dejected. "What's wrong honey?" the wife asks. "You remember Charley Smith, the guy from my office?" he replies, "Well, this morning we were on the third tee, old Charley steps up to address the ball, straightens up & clutches his chest, and then just falls over, stone dead of a heart attack..." "Oh my God, sweetheart," she says, "why that must have been just awful..."

"Damn right," he answers, "All day long, shoot and drag Charlie, shot and drag Charlie..."

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

ROFL !

Some 1 liners:

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I dont waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience
Men, Manners... Right.

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

OMG !! All of these are hysterical. Thanks for the laughs!!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

In your best East Indian accent: Well, they do shrink when it rains. If it didn't rain, they would be as big as elephants.

Why couldn't the blond call 911?

She couldn't find 11.

You started it Tzia -

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year.

ROFL !!! What a year is right!! I'm blond, ( with a little bit of chemical help) but I LOVe blond jokes. Ambi has an article,on the front page, (I think) with all blond jokes. If you get a chance, you should check it out. Funny stuff!

Q. why is a computer better than a blond?

A. You only have to put the information in the computer once.

Uncle Milty was one of my favorites. He could make me laugh hysterically when I was a teen.

Here is a collection of some of the ealry and most pioneering comedic moments in American Comedy History. I'd like to introduce you to a tribute to Sid Caesar .

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

And some from Mel Brroks:

You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bull$hit.

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Ernie Kovacs was another of my favorites, but most of his stuff was visual comedy.

LOL

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

One of my favorites when it comes to fast and funny:

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

ROFL !!!! Good ones!!

THE Mr. Doubletalk, Durwood Fincher, interviews the Boston Red Sox:

"What's this commoners 'Political Correctness' thing all about?"

youtube

Whenever you don't care to answer a question from ANYONE....take a tip from the "Clergymen" -

"God told me to tell you it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."

Jimmy Swaggart

Time to exercise your brain:

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk" What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241".

"That is wonderful!", says Albert.

"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!".

Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144".

"That is great!", responds Albert.

"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the third man answers, "51".

"How about them Sox eh?", says Albert.

Top 10 Caddy Comments:

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake!

Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course!

Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth!

8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?

Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now!

7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?

Caddy: Eventually!

6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!

Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence!

5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction.

Caddy: It's not a watch, it's a compass!

4. Golfer: How do you like my game?

Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.

Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

And the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.

Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

Guy is sure his wife is cheating on him.He takes off from work early, takes the elevator up to his apartment, quietly unlocks the door and runs inside. His wife is standing in the kitchen, dressed in a babydoll nightie and high heels. Guy runs over & looks out the window-- he sees a man running out the door, pulling on his coat and tying his necktie at the same time. Hubby grabs the refrigerator, wrestles it over and shoves it out the window-- it falls 15 floors and crushes the man on the sidewalk like a cockroach. Our guy is not shape to be manhandling major appliances; he clutches his chest and falls over dead of a heart attack...

St. Peter is checking people in at the pearly gates.

"All right, first man-- how did you come to pass away?" "I moved a refrigerator, lifted it up and shoved it out the window, and there was a sudden pain in my chest..."

"Next case-- how did you shuffle off the mortal coil?" "I was late for work, I was running out of my apartment trying to tie my necktie, and this refrigerator fell out of the sky and smashed me to a pulp..."

"Hmmm, very strange. Okay, last guy-- what happened to you?" "Well, I was hiding inside a refrigerator..."

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."