What is "Funny" These Days?
I decided to write this piece because of a seed on the front page. I think this discussion has to happen because the funniest people I know are being accused of having lost that most essential essence of their core being. That being their sense of humor.
I don't know about you, but I don't think calling people despicable names like n*****, sp**, fa*****, and other names are all that funny. I don't think calling someone a whore or a slut is funny. I don't think causing people physical or emotional pain is funny.
I really don't think direct hits to the crotch are amusing, either.
I read a comment of Dismayed Patriot's that reminded me of the pain caused to me by mine own brother. When we were young, it was physical pain, whether it was punching me in the middle of my back to show my mother I was hollow or kicking me down the stairs to see if I could fly. As we got older, it was more verbal such as making fun of me with his friends or calling me bitch just because he woke up that morning. He was a first class bully and thought his stupid, racist jokes were hilarious. One of his favorites: "I love n******! Everyone should own at least 2"! Yeah...that's some funny stuff, there, Donny. 
Anyway...the point of this discussion if you choose to engage is to determine what really is funny and what is not.
We haven't lost our collective sense of humor....you're just not that funny.
My article photo is funny.
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Who was it that said he would know porn if he saw it?
Well I know funny.
The chart is really hard to read - or I need new old guy eyes, lol
Can you post it as a comment and choose a really large size like 396 or larger?
( I'm not being funny,
)
LOL! I;ll see what I can do
Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart.
But back to the jokes...
Two peanuts went to New York, one was a salted...
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
Two blondes were on a walk when they came across some tracks. The first said "Those are bear tracks", the other replied, "No, those are deer tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit them...
Why can't a leopard play hide & seek? Because he's always spotted...
Why did the aluminum recycler quit his job? Because it was soda pressing...
Good ones and thanks for the info.
Do you think I called you out in this article? I just really liked your comment in that other article and thought it was a good way to start this one
Not at all. Even though I was tall for my age, my cousin was older than me by four years so I would regularly get the brunt of his violence when the cousins would get together. I recall once he slammed a door closed on my head as I was walking into a room, and the next thing I remember was him crying as his mother pulled me off his back, apparently I had been clawing at his face and eyes in a blind rage. I was generally very reserved so this surprised my family at the time, but I didn't get in any trouble because they all knew who was instigating it. But that was his sense of humor, and sadly I've known many supposed God fearing evangelicals who act the same. They go to church Sunday morning, but by Sunday afternoon they're drinking beer, watching football and laughing about people they bullied growing up or talking about girls they wish they could "smash" if they were younger or weren't married or what they'd do if a gay guy ever hit on them (which of course often starts with "I'd kill 'em" before going into the gruesome details of how they'd do it).
But I agree completely that most of the liberals and progressives do know what's actually funny, usually a good joke that surprises them in some way. Most of my conservative relatives don't find high brow word play, puns or observational comedy very funny, and I think it has largely to do with the fact it goes over their heads or doesn't show enough people getting kicked in the nuts to please them.
My favorite!
My brother ended up dying all alone because of his evil ways. Wanna know something ironic? He was younger than me but always physically bigger.
I honestly don't know what it was when we got older that caused him to be so nasty. I never thought he was funny but he thought he was freakin' hilarious. He could even tell a joke properly.
Ok...enough about my brother.
I meant to say he couldn't tell a joke properly
I'm sorry to hear about your brother, sounds like he was a lot like my cousin, and while it's still sad that he died alone, some people make that choice for some reason and push everyone away.
As to not being to tell jokes properly, that reminded me of an old joke:
It was a new arrival in prisons first night, and as he tried to fall asleep he heard another prisoner down the hall shout out "41!" to which the entire cell block burst into laughter. Another inmate then yelled out "58!" which again was met with an uproar of laughter. The new arrival asked his cell mate "Hey, why is everyone laughing?" to which his cell mate replied "Well, we've been in here so long and told so many jokes that we assigned the jokes numbers, now all we have to do is yell out the joke number and everyone will know the joke and laugh. Go ahead, you try it". So the new inmate yells out "27!" but is met with utter silence. His bunkmate says "Go ahead, try a different number" so he yells out "89!" and again, no laughter. He then asks his cell mate "What's wrong? Why isn't anyone laughing?" to which his cell mate replied "I guess you just don't know how to tell a joke..."
A blond needs money and decides on kidnaping. She goes to the playground, grabs a kid, writes a note that says “If you want your kid, put $10,000 in a paper bag by the swings tomorrow”. She signs it “Blond” because she’s smart enough not to use her name. She then pins the note to the kid and sends him home.
The next day she returns to the playground and picks up the bag which has $10,000 in it along with a note that says “How could you do this to a fellow blond?”
Twisted version of 'a pirate walks into a bar'
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”
The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”
The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”
“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”
OUCH!
That reminded me of another joke:
A man walks into a bar carrying a pig with only one leg. The bartender tells the man he can't bring a pig in the bar but the man protests. He says "But this is a special pig! One night our house caught on fire and this here pig woke up me, my wife and my daughter saving our lives!". "That is impressive" said the bartender, "But you still can't bring him in here" to which the man continued to protest "But this pig is a special pig! Once when my young daughter fell in the pond this pig came running up to the house making all sorts of ruckus till I followed her back and found my daughter barely treading water, this pig saved her life!" to which the bartender replied "Wow, that really is something, but tell me, how'd such an amazing pig lose three legs?" to which the man replied "Well you don't eat a special pig like this all at once!"...
Should you really be calling out other members by name in a story?
I'm amazed at how much stupidity and hatred and viriol are out there right now. Seems like everyone has forgotten what our elders taught us as children, which really boils down to the Golden Rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I always wonder if it has to do with anonymity of the Internet? People can say whatever with next to no condequences. Say things that might get them decked or worse in real life.
I didn't see a call-out. I saw that she mentioned Dismayed Patriot, but not in an accusatory manner.
Who am I calling out?
I tried living by the Golden Rule but the rule changed to those that have the gold make the rules
Get a grip! Get a sense of humor!
[ Removed ]
Where's my cat?
I had a Chinese Restaurant pretty close to where I grew up that was closed a dozen years or so back when the food inspector found a freezer full of plucked and cleaned seagulls they had apparently been passing off as chicken.
I just saw that now. Let's be nice or I'll hit you with my purse
use the one made from a cinder block, please
Well played, my friend, well played.
In response to a crappy comment.........
Giggles, there's not one thing funny about being a bully and being cowardly by trying to hide behind what your brother deemed "humor." My sister and I slam each other and the harder the slam, the funnier we find it. For instance, we were at her place one day and she said something about going to get her eyebrows waxed. I said, "You wax your eyebrows??? Vanity, thy name is YOU!! Why on earth would you wax your eyebrows [especially since she has to color them in because they're practically all white]?!?!?" "Because," she says ... "I don't want them to look like yours!" Omigawd, I laughed so hard because she caught me off guard. Or while we're playing a card game and she wins, I'll say "omigawd, you're the biggest slut ever." And we laugh. But we've never thought insensitively hurting each other was funny. I adore my sister. I'd die for my sister, and I mean that.
Now there are some sexist jokes that I find funny.
One of my favorite jokes. This one I found funny too:
A blonde and a redhead are walking down the street. They spot the redhead's boyfriend in a florist's shop. The blonde says, "Say ... isn't that your boyfriend? Is he getting you flowers?!?" The redhead says, "yeah, he gets me flowers once a week. But sometimes I hate getting them. That means I have to have my legs up in the air for the entire weekend." The blonde responds, "Why? Don't you have a vase??"
As I'm reading the joke about God building a bridge and he's whining about it I'm thinking..."You're God, fer chrissakes!"
Got a blond joke for ya. One blond says to the other blond:
"Which do you think is closer the Moon or Florida?"
The other blond answers "Duh! The Moon! I can see the Moon!"
We could always do lawyer jokes. I used to have a million of 'em
Why don't snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
I was going to say that about sharks
[Crack of lightning...]
Dr. Frankenstein: "He's alive, HE'S ALIVE!!"
Igor: "Quick!! Call a patent attorney!"
I find it interesting that you can alter old jokes to make them relevant again by changing the target of the joke.
How do you drown a bully? Put a scratch & sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool...
What do you do when a bully throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back...
They're often found glued to briefs?
This is my favorite lawyer joke
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start
What does an environmental activist call it?
Answer: And indiscriminate dumping of toxic waste
New York and New Jersey made a bet. New Jersey won. They got all the hazardous waste and New York got all the lawyers
A guy walks into a bar and on the wall is a sign that says Lawyers are a bunch of assholes. He tells the bartender that he's really offended by the sign. "Are you a lawyer?" Asked the bartender. "No, I'm an asshole." said the guy.
Just for you BF -
Blonde's Year in Review:
January
- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March -
Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April
- Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May -
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -
Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September
- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December
- Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Now those were funny:)
Will someone do me a favor and flag one of my comments? I need to make sure everything is working right.
I went to flag you, but there wasn't an entry that said, "my friend wanted me to flag her just because."
I think there might be one for "she's being bitchy"
I've been trying for the Extremely Rude flag for almost a year. wtf do you have to do to get it?
Tell somebody they're an asshole OUTSIDE of Heated Debate?
CoC Ticket
Q. What does Mrs. Kavanaugh call a beer and a quaalude?
A. Foreplay
hey hey hey
Got this one from the "Chief" Bee in San Antonio -
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
poor stoned little bear
I like joke about public figures whom I consider idiots. For instance, Jeanine Pirro.
JP: You know, I'm gonna rub this lamp and hope a genie pops out.
Genie: Thanks for letting me out of that bottle!
JP: Oh boy! Do I get a wish??
Genie: Why yes, yes you do.
JP: I want a unicorn!!
Genie: Oh, c'mon. Be realistic. Give something to work with here. Ask for something I can achieve, something I can magically give you that's worthwhile.
JP: Oh, okay. I've been divorced for five years. I want a boyfriend.
Genie: What color would you like that unicorn?
Since we're doing Genie jokes:
An old lady finds a lamp in her attic. As she's polishing it a genie jumps out and grants her one wish. She tells the genie to turn her cat into a fine looking young man.
Poof! Kitty is now Ken!
As the old lady is admiring her new boy toy Ken looks at her with adoring eyes and says "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
The alien spaceship lands in city park
Three aliens get out and wander around
One of them walks across the street to a gas station and up to a pump
Please take me to your leader he asks
The gas pump does not respond
Hmmmmm possibly hard of hearing the alien thinks
He speaks louder
Please sir take me to your leader
The gas pump does not respond
The alien, being a bit of a hardass, pulls his raygun
Sir take me to your leader or I will zap you
The gas pump does not reply and the alien zaps it
The gas pump explodes and sets off a fire to end all fires
The aliens across the street are shocked
One says
I figured he had to be a bad SOB what with standing there with his dick in his ear
Never heard that one before. I'm gonna pee my pants
Tip O'Neil in a dress.
Is he still alive?
Newp.. LOL
Died : January 5, 1994, Boston, MA
interesting...
Okay, in the past when I have described myself as the hill billy, geek, jock kid. I left out the dork part.
I have a terrible time being funny on purpose. Though I stumble across being accidentally funny sometimes.
I'll be honest. I'm a bad guy. I love 3 Stooges (only with Curly), Laural and Hardy, Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Coreman and the short tubby guy, physical humour. Don't forget Mr. Bean and the dirtiest of them all Benny Hill.
I adore Carol Burnett and friends. I always thought a lot of their humor was off the cuff
I forgot Little Rascals
I forget how funny Dane Cook used to be, lol
Yeah, it's kinda like the mechanic that tells me I need blinker fluid and he'll give it to me for free because I'm such a good customer.
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
I love responding to two week old shit!
Hated Three Stooges but guys seem to love them; Laurel and Hardy were great (remember Young Frankenstein? I greet you with a laurel (wreathy thing in his hand) and hardy handshake); loved the Carol Burnett Show; didn't like Mr. Bean but I LOVE Rowan Atkinson and loved him in Black Adder stuff; love Benny Hill and most other English comedies! Loved Keeping Up Appearances, Are You Being Served, AbFab, etc.
Man goes into a restaurant followed by an ostrich and orders a club sandwich, fires and iced tea, the ostrich says I'll have the same thing. Waiter says that will be $9.27 with tax and man reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly that amount. He comes back for dinner accompanied by the ostrich and orders a 14 oz steak medium rare, salad with Italian dressing and baked potato with butter and a pitcher of Coors Light, the ostrich says I'll have the same. Waiter brings check for $52.73, man pulls out exactly that amount. Waiter says how did you pull out the exact change both times? He says he found a lamp and my wish to the genie was to always have the exact amount for anything he bought. The waiter said that is the greatest wish ever, but what's with the ostrich? Man said I also wished for a tall chick with a big butt who would always agree with me and never leave me
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "fuck", the Rottweiler ate him!
A blond woman is walking beside a river when she hears someone shout, "Hey!!! Hey lady!!!!". The woman looks across the river and sees another blond woman on the other side. She yells to her, "HI! What do you want!!!???"
The other bond woman yells, "How do I get to the other side???!!!!!!"
The first blond woman yells back, "But, you ARE on the other side!!!!!!"
The joke's great, but I LOVE the ba dum dump monkey!!!
For the record, I did edit this list a tad bit, some were....really not ok.
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
That was a great fart! Do another one!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
Damnit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.
That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie!
I'm tired of cuddling!
You're so sexy when you're hungover.
I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
....................
And to be fair...
45 things you'll never hear a man say.
1. I am really craving a bowl of hot soup.
2. I feel ridiculously bloated!
3. Why does that scale hate me?
4. Why are your clothes all over the floor?
5. Why can’t you put the seat down?
6. I got that outfit on the best sale of the year.
7. Who colors their hair that color?
8. I have nothing to wear.
9. Chocolate makes me feel happy and complete.
10. Let’s watch a chick flick.
11. Did you see what she was wearing?
12. Grey’s Anatomy is so awesome.
13. That’s profile-picture-worthy.
14. I need to tweeze my eyebrows in here for the best lighting. (Said from the car.)
15. I could wear pajamas all day.
16. Let’s watch Steel Magnolias... again.
17. Wow, I really need a pedicure!
18. Saturdays are for reading People Magazine cover-to-cover.
19. I don’t think I drank enough water today.
20. I am so PMS-ing!
21. Slippers feel like clouds on my feet.
22. Does this make me look like I worked out today?
23. I could watch HGTV all day.
24. I hate all of my clothes!
25. Let’s put a sweater on the dog and take pictures.
26. I could use a hug.
27. Not sure what I’d do without my flat iron.
28. My best friend is being a bitch today.
29. I’m addicted to Pinterest.
30. That bug is freaking me out!!
31. I’m having a really bad hair day today.
32. Where do you hide the chocolate?
33. I could tell my Mom anything.
34. Do you think that either of the Property Brothers is secretly gay?
35. I just color-coordinated the clothes in my closet.
36. I forgot why I walked into the kitchen.
37. Maybe you just need a good cry?
38. I hope an Apple Store never comes to our mall.
39. Let’s have a spa day!
40. Sure, buy as many black shoes as you want!
41. These sports commentators never say anything original.
42. I don’t know how to accessorize this outfit.
43. What color would make this room pop?
44. I’m doing my Kegels right now.
45. I used my foot to flush that toilet.
I've said four of the things women never say; my newish boyfriend has said three of the things men never say. Never say never. Even when someone tells you it's the 'safe' word. [And never believe anyone if they say "harder" is a 'safe' word.]
IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL...
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed... and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Michigan. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day...
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Bwahahahahahahaha!!
Okay. Another genie joke...
Guy walks in the bar, orders a beer and pulls out a small piano then pulls out a one foot tall guy that sits down and starts playing the piano.
Curious, the bartender asks the guy where he got the little man and the piano.
The guy pulls out the lamp and says "from this crappy genie in here"..you only get one wish, it sucks.
The bartender grabs the lamp and starts rubbing much to the protest of the customer...POOF! The genie pops out "You have one wish only"
Bartender says "I want a million bucks!"
The genie says "Done" claps his hands and disappears...the next thing there is feathers everywhere, quacking that drowns out conversations and ducks everywhere.
The bartender grabs the customer by the shirt and says " hey! What gives? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
The customer replied " Do you really think I asked for a 12" pianist?
mic drop ... .. .
A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?" The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her." "For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00." "For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht." "Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities." So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"
What Is "Funny" These Days?
Peter Sellers-- always was, alway will be!
source:
Montana Cowboy
An 80-year-old rancher from Montana goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of
whiskey and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while
and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
An old country Preacher
An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible... ..
2. A silver dollar.....
3. A bottle of whisky.....
4. And a Playboy magazine.....
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
"What is "Funny" These Days ?"
This Sinning BUTTHEAD says...….EVERYTHING !
A woman desires to join a biker gang … after showing her ability to ride and cuss she makes it to the final question from the leader of the gang...
Leader: Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?
woman: No, but I have been swung around by the tits a few times ...
...
*this is joke has been redacted : )
That one took me a minute.
: ) ……….. whenever I need a giggle, I think of this silly joke .. works every time
Hilarious and yet thoughtful.
Okay, that made me laugh ...
I never lost my sense of humor...I didn't even misplace it.
Did you hear the one about the baker, candlestick maker and the Chief? Me neither.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I thought they went out on a rowboat on some lake?
couldn't resist....
That one's been making the rounds today
Our shit hole prez leaves shit stains wherever he goes. Even SCOTUS, the constitution and Air Force One are contaminated.
Sarah Silverson plays the perfect wife-on-thorazine
FUCKIN' HILARIOUS! I thought the apple picking scene was very Americana ... heeeeeeeyyy. Waidaminnite!!!! Don't horses eat apples????
How the hell did the guy flip himself over on the exercise machine? That's....a special kinda stupid.. LOL
So we're in bed, late at night, and I'm watching this stupid reality show about these guys digging for the lost Jesuit gold treasure n the Andes Mountains
and they are digging up a coin here, a coin there and chains from an ox yoke, and generally breaking a lot of equipment and playing McGiver.
They got real excited when they found a cast iron bell from the monastery buried in the road
when suddenly the bride wakes up and says "What kind of bell did they find?"
and I tried to explain what it was and where they found it, and she says
Why didn't you just say it was a Jezebell?
What's wrong with that? I mean, it was a Jesuit bell. It makes perfect sense.
Bwahahahahahahahaha!
Here's an older one, at least I've known about it for a long time.
Back when the North Slope pipeline was being built, a lot of the construction guys were from Texas. They thought that they were something special.
One of them walked into a local bar up in Northern Alaska and proclaimed that well drillers from Texas were the toughest people in the world. Instead of just beating the hell out of him, the bar regulars decided to have a bit of fun with him. They told him that to be a real man in Alaska, you have to pass the three tests.
"First", they told him, while placing a fifth of whiskey on the bar, "you have to drink this entire bottle of whiskey. Next, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman. Last, you have to shoot a Polar Bear."
The Texan just snorted and chugged the whole bottle. Then he stomped out of the bar into the night. After three days, they started to worry that something might have happened to him. On the fourth day, the door was kicked open and the Texan came in. He looked horrible, bleeding all over with with his clothes, and skin, in shreds. He staggered to the bar, gulped down a drink of their strongest liquor, turned to the other customers and roared, "All right, now where's this Eskimo woman you want me to shoot?"
At least he got the whiskey drinking right
LOL!
Go, Kitty, Go!
Ladies and gentlemen.... I give you the Chicken Yodeler.
That's one amazing cock ya got there, MrFrost.
I'll look at the video when I have an extra minute. Wait. What??!?
Be warned, will be stuck in your head for days.
Finish Him!!!!!!
Omigawwwd!! Snort-laugh!!!! Not so much the video, but your comment is hilarious!