Sleeping cat literally has no clue how close it is to nuclear annihilation

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one month ago  •  8 comments

By:   MIKAELA GORMAN - The Beaverton

Sleeping cat literally has no clue how close it is to nuclear annihilation

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



LUNENBURG, NS – Despite tensions increasing across the globe as Russian president Vladimir Putin again promised swift retaliation and total nuclear annihilation should NATO forces intervene in Ukraine, the sleep of a small   kitten , basking away in the warm sunlight of an early spring morning in Nova Scotia, remained mostly undisturbed.

While national security experts estimate the Russian Federation’s nuclear stockpile of over 1400 high yield plutonium devices could easily obliterate, scorch, and irradiate the Earth many times over, leading to, at best, a nuclear winter from which humanity would never recover, let alone live to see, to at worst the complete extermination of all multi-cellular life, the young cat, purring softly, did a big stretch, sighed a tiny little sigh, and tucked its face under one paw.

“Apathy, not only towards the ongoing crisis in Ukraine, but to global affairs in general, has steadily increased among Feline Canadians at a worrying rate,” explained Dalhousie University Professor Patricia Paley.

“Where   cats   once led the field of theoretical quantum mechanics, held positions of elected authority, and rallied the cause of labour reform with cries of ‘I hate Mondays’, modern kittens inspire to be parasitic layabouts at best, and social media influencers at worst.”

According to recent figures released by Stats Canada, despite politics being increasingly part of daily human lives, cats remain not only one of the lowest responding voting blocks during elections, but also the least likely to volunteer for military service or to donate food, clothing, or money to those in need.

“Faced with the horrors of the last decade, such as COVID-19, the Trump Administration, cancel culture, and the passing of David Bowie, cats have simply checked out of society,” said Paley, “and collectively embraced an extremist style of libertarianism, aggressively anti-taxation and anti-authoritarian, once only seen on the furthest fringes of the movement”.

This as Canada’s rusty cold war era civil defence networks, already overstretched and underfunded medical system, and increasingly paranoid and violent public drive themselves into a frenzy of worry about whether they will be among the lucky ones flash fried in the opening salvo of Man’s Final War, or if they will suffer the slow, agonizing death of humanity from radiation poisoning, environmental catastrophe and societal collapse into ruthless barbarism the like of which the modern mind cannot even hope to comprehend…

Oh! Oh my god, look at its little feet kick! Awww it must be having a dream. Bless its little heart, that is too adorable. I’m going to cry.


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Hallux
Sophomore Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one month ago

 
 
 
Hallux
Sophomore Principal
1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

Now that I've cheered everyone up, it's time for a Scotch-like substance.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.1  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1.1    one month ago

You have your scotch like substance.  I'll have a joint

Cheers!

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Freshman Principal
1.1.2  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  Tessylo @1.1.1    one month ago
I'll have a joint

I'm glad you are finally going to relax.  Too much stress is a killer.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
1.1.3  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Hallux @1.1    one month ago
"Now that I've cheered everyone up, it's time for a Scotch-like substance."

In Canada that would be Seagram's Crown Royal, as long as rye whiskey can be considered "Scotch-like".

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.2  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

This article is my kind of silliness.

Thanks!

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
2  Kavika     one month ago

I asked Wiki warrior wonder wiener, (mini doxie) and she said, if he doesn’t have any treats piss on him and went back to her nap.

 
 
 
Ronin2
Professor Quiet
3  Ronin2    one month ago
cats have simply checked out of society,” said Paley, “and collectively embraced an extremist style of libertarianism, aggressively anti-taxation and anti-authoritarian, once only seen on the furthest fringes of the movement”.

Canadian cats must be much different than American cats. I have a queen, a princess, and a Romeo (aka the court jester. Though I am sure he would say those are the dogs). Anti-authoritarian? Tell that to any of them when a meal is late; they think it is past time for their human subjects to be in bed; or it is the all important treat time. I won't get into when they lose their favorite toy- even if they know where it is; and just want their human subjects to look for it.

I may need to trade my cats in for some of those Canadian cats. I could use a rest. 

 
 

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