Sleeping cat literally has no clue how close it is to nuclear annihilation
Category: SatireVia: hallux • one month ago • 8 comments
By: MIKAELA GORMAN - The Beaverton
LUNENBURG, NS – Despite tensions increasing across the globe as Russian president Vladimir Putin again promised swift retaliation and total nuclear annihilation should NATO forces intervene in Ukraine, the sleep of a small kitten , basking away in the warm sunlight of an early spring morning in Nova Scotia, remained mostly undisturbed.
While national security experts estimate the Russian Federation’s nuclear stockpile of over 1400 high yield plutonium devices could easily obliterate, scorch, and irradiate the Earth many times over, leading to, at best, a nuclear winter from which humanity would never recover, let alone live to see, to at worst the complete extermination of all multi-cellular life, the young cat, purring softly, did a big stretch, sighed a tiny little sigh, and tucked its face under one paw.
“Apathy, not only towards the ongoing crisis in Ukraine, but to global affairs in general, has steadily increased among Feline Canadians at a worrying rate,” explained Dalhousie University Professor Patricia Paley.
“Where cats once led the field of theoretical quantum mechanics, held positions of elected authority, and rallied the cause of labour reform with cries of ‘I hate Mondays’, modern kittens inspire to be parasitic layabouts at best, and social media influencers at worst.”
According to recent figures released by Stats Canada, despite politics being increasingly part of daily human lives, cats remain not only one of the lowest responding voting blocks during elections, but also the least likely to volunteer for military service or to donate food, clothing, or money to those in need.
“Faced with the horrors of the last decade, such as COVID-19, the Trump Administration, cancel culture, and the passing of David Bowie, cats have simply checked out of society,” said Paley, “and collectively embraced an extremist style of libertarianism, aggressively anti-taxation and anti-authoritarian, once only seen on the furthest fringes of the movement”.
This as Canada’s rusty cold war era civil defence networks, already overstretched and underfunded medical system, and increasingly paranoid and violent public drive themselves into a frenzy of worry about whether they will be among the lucky ones flash fried in the opening salvo of Man’s Final War, or if they will suffer the slow, agonizing death of humanity from radiation poisoning, environmental catastrophe and societal collapse into ruthless barbarism the like of which the modern mind cannot even hope to comprehend…
Oh! Oh my god, look at its little feet kick! Awww it must be having a dream. Bless its little heart, that is too adorable. I’m going to cry.