Queen Elizabeth announces plan to outlive Charles, “no matter what it takes”

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one month ago  •  21 comments

By:   GRACE SMITH - The Beaverton

Queen Elizabeth announces plan to outlive Charles, “no matter what it takes”

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



L ONDON , UK – In a rare candid interview this week, Her Majesty   Queen Elizabeth   II announced her formal plan to outlive heir to the throne   Prince Charles , “no matter the dark deeds required.”

Her Majesty, who has famously remained neutral her entire reign, took a moment during Platinum Jubilee celebrations earlier in June “to cut the shit” and “talk straight” to the press. “Look – you don’t like Charles, I don’t like Charles, no one likes Charles. If I die and pass the crown to him, I give the   monarchy   two weeks – tops. The plebes will riot if they have to look at his smug face and weird ears on their money.”

“Did you know he believes in homeopathy? What a tosser,” she added.

According to sources within Buckingham Palace, the Queen has been heard muttering vague threats to Charles to “enjoy the palace while he can.” She has also been chuckling darkly to herself every time Charles or Camilla mentions “the future” and when family members mentioned the swirling gossip that the Queen may be dead already, she simply tapped the side of her nose and winked.

“I think she’d love to convince Charles she’s already croaked. Lull him into a false sense of security” mused Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, who accompanied Her Majesty to Jubilee celebrations in lieu of the late Prince Philip. He is rumoured to be her new side piece and is confirmed to be her first cousin.”Of course, it’s hard to trick him when he’s always hanging around. Get a life, son!”

When asked if she plans to outlive Charles through artificially extending her own life, through continued use of her hologram, or through nefarious actions taken toward her son, she looked into the middle distance and whispered, “Oh, a little of column A….”

The Queen says she regrets that both she and Charles didn’t expire back when William was young and likeable, which would have secured the future of the monarchy. “But who knew Billy was going to turn into such a cockwomble? I did not have that on my bingo card. Whatever bingo is.”

“When I started, all you had to do was wave and keep your war crimes quiet. Of course, Charles has a shit wave.”

Increasingly, the Queen has been reportedly wondering if she should simply pull a Henry the Eighth and write out a new succession in her will, with plans to “throw a couple bastards in there” just to get everyone riled up.

“One must leave a thoughtful plan in the event of one’s death. And my plan may be to leave the whole thing to Meghan, for a right laugh,” the Queen said with a giggle, before skipping off to check Amnesty International’s Travel Warnings for ideas on where to send Charles for his next royal tour.


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Hallux
Sophomore Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one month ago

Just could not let Britain's other cockwomble, Boris, take up all of NT's valuable space.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2  Trout Giggles    one month ago

This is hilarious!

I think she needs to find a vampire. Drink some of the vampire's blood, let him/her drink some of hers..she will be restored to her former beauty and youth and outlive everyone....especially Charlie

I don't think Wills is a cockwomble. His wife is too pretty

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
2.1  Mark in Wyoming   replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one month ago
His wife is too pretty

diana was considered pretty too, i say a rare beauty , and look what she got into .....

irregardless of how funny i find this , i can see it being said even tongue in cheek 

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Mark in Wyoming @2.1    one month ago

Diana was a beautiful woman and as you say rare beauty. Her life was a tragedy

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
2.1.2  Mark in Wyoming   replied to  Trout Giggles @2.1.1    one month ago

I just hope when william becomes king , he fills his promise to his mother and returns her HRH title , that charles demanded she have stripped .

 another thing i found in my reading today i never knew , 

normally the Queen bows to no one royal protecal says she should bow only to other monarchs .as a courtesy and even then only enough to aknowledge them as equals 

during dianas funeral the queen broke protecal and bowed as dianas casket passed . it was ablink and you would miss it moment , but she did extend that honor to diana .

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
2.1.3  Ender  replied to  Mark in Wyoming @2.1.2    one month ago

I didn't see that. I use to think she had more respect for Diana than her own son.

 
 
 
Hallux
Sophomore Principal
2.2  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one month ago

The author may have meant Charles' brother Andrew.

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
2.2.1  Mark in Wyoming   replied to  Hallux @2.2    one month ago
The author may have meant Charles' brother Andrew.

Andrew was an outright Cad and scoundrel , hell his nick name has always been "Randy Andy ".

 remember Koo Stark? (I think that was her name ) 

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.2.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Hallux @2.2    one month ago

Now that one deserves scorn

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
2.3  Ender  replied to  Trout Giggles @2    one month ago

I would call Harry a cockwomble. Now he has decided he feels cheated. After he left the monarchy he has now decided to go to court because he still wants them to pay for his security...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.3.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Ender @2.3    one month ago

I would too. He and Meghan didn't want to perform their royal duties (lazy bastards) so they resign from the Royal Family. I think the Queen should politely tell the two of them to fuck off

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
2.3.2  Ender  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.3.1    one month ago

I am not of fan of either of them. I blame Markle for a lot of it. He was somewhat tolerable before her.

Now they just seem like two ungrateful assholes.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
3  Kavika     one month ago

She's tough enough to outlive the lot of them.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
3.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Kavika @3    one month ago

I think you're right

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
4  Ender    one month ago

For those that are hard to shop for, you too could have this Christmas ornament. Bring the Queen home for the holidays...

320

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
4.1  Ender  replied to  Ender @4    one month ago

And for those that just can't get enough of the Queen, you too can have this life size cardboard cutout.

Have the queen in your home year round.

Put in a window to impress the neighbors...

320

 
 
 
Tacos!
Professor Expert
5  Tacos!    one month ago

She goes on living just to spite him.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
6  Buzz of the Orient    one month ago

Although as a Canadian I have always been loyal to, admired and appreciated Her Royal Highness, for many reasons, and had the privilege of shaking hands with and enjoying a short conversation with Princess Diana, if that prick Charles with his horse-faced wife who IMO contributed greatly to causing the death of "The People's Princess" should take the throne I, for one, would cast my vote to leave the Commonwealth and turn Canada into a Republic. 

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
6.1  Mark in Wyoming   replied to  Buzz of the Orient @6    one month ago

I remember reading some time back , that both william , and george , have stronger hereditary claims to the throne than does charles , those claims going back in time and on their mothers sides, so combining both paternal and maternal lineage  i could see that . ......frankly , i wouldnt put it past her majesty from putting "something " in her will to totally tell some to "toss off".

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
6.1.1  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Mark in Wyoming @6.1    one month ago

If saving the monarchy is more important to Charles than selfishly taking the throne, he would immediately abdicate in favour of William - I believe "the people" really like William and Kate.

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
6.1.2  Mark in Wyoming   replied to  Buzz of the Orient @6.1.1    one month ago

kate for sure is the peoples choice , much like the late diana , William i suspect is being watched to make sure he doesnt take after his dad and uncle ......if he does , well wouldnt want to be in his shoes with the public , or kate . or should i say , the Lady Kathrine .

 
 

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