Breaking News from Broke Back Mountain: GOP New Pleas for $$$

  

Category:  News & Politics

By:  eat-the-press-do-not-read-it  •  3 months ago  •  19 comments

Breaking News from Broke Back Mountain:  GOP New Pleas for $$$
"Money is an evil, dirty thing!" Rev Oral Fleece

(This Epistle may be offensive to some readers. If your are offended by words, particularly poorly bunched together, perhaps you would be well advised to skip this masterpiece and skedaddle on over to the Right-Wing, Guns Are Everything Page, and lick there.)

This treatise is constantly being updated, and changes moment to moment depending upon which moment one might be "perusing". No one reads this prattle, or, should, according to the CDC.

If you experience occasional coughing, boredom, sexual arousal, restlessness, call you Mental Health Specialists. 
shat Fan stains.
The Mind You Damage Maybe Your Own).

This has been a paid Public Health Notice paid for by P. Halpren, whoever the Hell he is!

PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!
We are not responsible for any mental relapse, institution confinement, or Shat Fan Stains.

And, now Brothers & Sistas of the Corn-Hole DeGeneration, let us begin:

The GOP's new fund-raising scam...er...media slogan, works better than the simple-minded one created by Richard Nixon..."I am not a crook."

Although, "Tricky Dick" worked miracles for the party of Vulture Capitalists by kowtowing to corporate America, and took payoffs to get special treatment for legislation  would benefit his donors, and screw the common man. 

After all, who gives a SHAT about the common man? Are they not common 

T-Rump and his tag-team of knuckleheads decided that the decade's old tagline,"Democrats Suck," needed to be upgrade and they were going to do it no matter what, primarily because they had a lot of time on their hand, and generally did nothing put play videos games all day long.

Our investigator, the Unshaven-Stinky, Always Drunk, Steve Bunions, 
a former White House consultant to "Dirty Diaper Don" was, at that time, more popular than the POTUS!

So, naturally, Donnie had the drunk, unshaven, rarely bathed Bunions tossed out of the WH from an unopened, second-floor window, as DJT squeal, ran in circles clapping his hands, like a spoiled child, which he is.

From T-Rump's perspective, this calamity was the first opportunity for #45 to introduced his own version of the "Proud Boys".  His wife, Melanoma's personal, hard, stiff, black shirted, tattooed, private Dicks, known to the WH staff, as the fuc*ing, "Brown Nose, GESTAPO SECRET SERVICE, dedicated exclusive to her well being.

T-Rump was so jealous, according to our sauce, a homeless, battered Steve Bunion, living in the basement of the Washington Monument, that #45 threw plates and catch-up bottles at the dinning room wall until the hardcore pricks were assigned to him, and a male porn star was hired to replace Melanoma's secret service team.

They were exhausted from their 24/7/365 work detail, and, were ready to switch teams. Some even turned "gay" to escape their rigorous duty assignment.
 
Trump, as many of you may not known, then, demanded that his Secret Service agents take on a more threatening, ominousness, kick-ass appearance, in order to scare the "Be-Jesus" out of the WH staph-o-cocises, and/or still lingering in her wardrobe closets. 

Donnie's plate throwing, used temper-tampons throwing childish behavior alway got him what he wanted.  Love-able Donnie gave these former prisoners a free-hand to intimidate his staff, advisors and critics, at will (especially Will Rogers, who he hated and never understood). Which the SS did with glee, causing many adversaries to pee, simply on seeing them, or so I am told by by hallucinations. 

Diaper Don is rumored to have personally approved the new slogan, (written by Ghouliania in Rudy's own blood) while sniffing crushed Adderal  tablets, mixed with Talcum Power to cut the powerful, addictive drug.

This newly installed  Conservative, Right-Wing, Billionaires controlled Republican Party, formerly known as, the GOP (Government of Putin), now, referred to by WH staff as simply one congealed POS.

Fox TV Fake News' On-Air," Hot" Air Hostess blathered that the new slogan was superior to that junk that Lincoln pinned, like his sloppily written Gettysburg Address .

Two requirements that the former POTUS, real POS, DJT, insist must be wrapped in everything his administration did, and will do, when he is re-elected by an honest, Republican Certified Vote Counting Committee, appointed by DJT, and house for security reason at Lar Margo.

The GOP is asking every 'Murican to replace their former mantra, "Democrats Sucks with this Ghouliana approved winner:

"Democrats are Socialists, thorough and thorough!  Baby Killers, Pinko Communists, Atheists, Anti-Christ Criminal, Orgy Organizers, Gays, Lesbians, Transgender Lovers."

This news, more manly statement is a robust, patriotic one, that will inspire our low-brow members to instantly open their wallets, send all your cash, ASAP.

Hell, they are so dumb, they will MAIL their wallets, too! 

The following is the SLOGAN the GOP members must use on penalty of death, including dents in one's teeth! No exceptions, make the sacrifice, or, re-read the above, until you get it, dumbarse! - DJT

"Repeat after me!" (You may take a knee if you need to. Some people pee better in this position. I do.)

'HELP, I HAVE FALLEN & CAN'T GET IT UP!'

"Send money, Honey! We Love You, Jesus Loves You! Send Money, or we will burn your house down, clown!"

Isn't that a love-er-ly decree?

*********
We interrupt this Special Nonsense-Podcast for another important, Twisted Sister's message from our incarceration editor, Jonathon Livingston Pigeon-Poo, here, at Eat the Press - Don't Suck On It!

Jonathan is OK, he has endured injuries in hand-to-hand combat with the Capital Police who are not Citizens, they are illegal aliens sneaking into our pristine country from Canada.

Doctored Pigeon-Poo was so moved by the GOP's new campaign slogan that he added his own pitch:
"Brothers & Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation.  Don't be sucked in by Fox Fake News! They are controlled by the Saudis, Midas, Josh Hawley and other mentally defected creeps, such as, Carson Tucker, "The Little Mother F***er, only wants your money!

"Send it to me, instead!
"I guarantee, you Brandons, we (me, myself and I) will "wash your dirty, filthy money, and in 10 months' time, I will send it back to you, clean, freshly ironed and smelling like a gazillion crushed, red roses, TEN-FOLD"!
(Ten folds in your cashed checks, as we promised. We always uphold our promise in fine print.)
"Now, Brothers & Suckers, that is an investment that you can't refuse!"

DJT, who no one knew was listening in, chimed in, decked out in his orange make-up, died blond hair, red, white and blue clown costume, with his personal plead:

'Muricans, we need money. We are running out of our money. Send it now!
The GOP is the only wall between America and Socialism. Give tell it hurts!

"Send it to DJT Enterprises, and I will personally autograph one of my new red caps, "Trump Wants More In 2024," for a small fee of $100, plus S&H.

"PS:  I like beer. I am not queer, Democrats are!" - DJT

PUBLISHER'S DECLOSURE:
This Breaking News was submitted by Reverend Oral Fleece, "Straight from The Street & Not From the POLICE" our religious advisor.

The Reverend is pasture of the "CHURCH OF THE HOW BIG IS YOUR WALLET, HOW SMALL IS YOUR MIND?" And, he/she is currently, thinking about running for a Senate seat.

He explained his reasoning to run, "Hells, Bells, that where the MONEY is!"


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Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    3 months ago

Clarence Thomas has an similar Ad, featuring the the Justice in white face (to disguise himself) with his adorable, scoundrel256 of a wife, basically repeating the Brent KavenNaughtiness's Ad that appears 24/7/365, ever 15 minutes on FOX TV FAKE NEWS.

If you haven't seen it, make sure you have plenty of "Ad Nauseous" meds at your side.

Some straight folks have expired from the onslaught, or, so I am told by one of my stabler "Hallucinations".

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
1.1  JBB  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @1    3 months ago

The gop cannot donate to Trumpian candidates and fill up the tanks of their F150 pickups all at once...

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
1.1.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JBB @1.1    3 months ago

Well, JBB@1.1:

Those you reference, e.g., The Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, Three Percenters, KKKers, and every righteous, stand-up Conservative, Right Wing, Christian, self-proclaimed, gun-nut have guns!

Hell, they got AR 15s, bullet proof vests, hand grenades, munitions, bomb making supplies, bazookas, tanks, plus, the most powerful weapon one might possess, the belief that they alone have the "God Given Rights" to save 'Murica from Socialism!

Their Rights are clawed in crayon, not written with a quill by that 5'6" pussy, girlie man, ferry, fag James Madison.

Little, puny Jimmy was nothin' but a heathen, falsely named the "Father of the Constitution," by his unlighted Continental Congress peers. What the Hell did they know about anything? For Christakos, those ninnies wore pantaloons and powdered wigs.

Real men drive beat up pickup trucks with rifles rack in their back window, and fly dirty, raggedy Trump banners.

Democrats accuse this "New, Drooling Republican Party of Bottom Feeders As Lunatics". We are, but, more than that...we are LITE LUNATICS on FIRE!

We are the real Murican "PATRIOTS"! Not the losers that couldn't figure out how to get out of going to Vietnam. That's what we love about our President. He is smart, rich, and has a daughter we would all like to bang. Trump is our hero. He speaks like us, angrily, and cusses a lot. And he likes pussy...he isn't one like those punks on the Jan 6th Committee.

Our Talkin' - Tongues, Backwoods preachers who came to the Jesus after an all night drunk, face up on a barroom floor taught us the GOD/JESUS was always busy writing every Holy Document every created, because most folks, at that time back in ancient time, before Fox TV Fake News were illiterate, couldn't read or write, like most of us Right Winger, HS Dropouts, Disgruntled Grease Monkeys.

According to our bare knuckled, under-educated (that's the way we like 'em) self-proclaimed men of God, we believe that GOD wrote the New & Old Testaments, including, today, the current, backwoods, millionaire Evangelical preachers' weekly sermons, and every thought that comes pouring out of a Conservative, Right-Wing, Bible Thumping, Modern Day Republican's screwed up-bald, tattooed head Trump Supporter's mouth.

Because we know (rather been told) by our pasture, which we pay, that "God, like Google, Is Listening To Everything You Say, Everything You Do, Every Click You Make...GOD Is Watching You!"

(It is either GOD, or Google, or maybe, GOD is Google?)

Everyone that is anyone knows that only us, the rebel-rousing cluster f***ks are the TRUE CHRISTIANS; all others are evil off-springs of the False Prophet (B-B Kings & those Devil Negro Band's Heathen Musicians).

"Amen & pass the ammunition"!

Now, Boys and Urine Ugly, Toothless, Beat-Up Wives we've got to do the Lord's work.

So don't shave, bathe, let your hair grow long like Sampson, get as many tattoos as you can afford, beat your wife some more, and the kids, too, to get into the mood.

Above all else, don't ferget to get cranked up on as much MOONSHINE, meth, marijuana, as you can get your hands on.

Remember, Boys, we be trailer park trashers! We are the true saviors of the White-Blond Hair-Blue Eyed -Velvet Painted Canvas of Jesus (seen only on the backside of Elvis Paintings when you turn them upside down and shine a blue light on 'em.

We can't wait to be beamed up to "The Golden Gate, Hillbilly Paradise in the Sky!"

And, BTW, we know that HE ('the Jesus) wrote the Constitution, so we, unwashed A-Holes might carry out HIS instructions, storm the Capital Building, beat, kill, maim everyone that gets in the way of our New Christian, Hill-Jack Jihad.

So, f**** off, you communist Socialist, God Haters! 

(Or, words not remotely like these!)


 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
1.1.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JBB @1.1    2 months ago

Will they sacrifice for the Fake Billionaire, "Dirty Diaper Don?"

 
 
 
JBB
Professor Principal
2  JBB    3 months ago

I thought the gop winning Congress was a done deal!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
2.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JBB @2    3 months ago

In their wicked, cheating, scheming minds, it is!

 
 
 
magicschoolbusdropout
Freshman Principal
3  magicschoolbusdropout    3 months ago

"complete with blackface makeup."

Kamala   is running for President ?

256

Who Knew ?

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
3.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  magicschoolbusdropout @3    3 months ago

Well, Trump is, too. Anything to get out of going to prison.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
3.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  magicschoolbusdropout @3    3 months ago

What many of you may not know is that I am bi-racial. I am White from the waist up. Black from the waist down, where it counts.

If you don't believe me, I can prove it.  

Right, now my Jonson is down the street, around the corner making a "booty" call. Some of you should be getting a text message about now. 

 
 
 
magicschoolbusdropout
Freshman Principal
3.2.1  magicschoolbusdropout  replied to  Eat The Press Do Not Read It @3.2    3 months ago
Right, now my Jonson is down the street, around the corner making a "booty" call.

Jonson and Jonson merger ..... Oh my !

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
3.2.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  magicschoolbusdropout @3.2.1    2 months ago

That is what you want to avoid. A Jonson vs Jonson contact always leads to a knot, and that not only is painful for both combatants, but ties traffic up.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
4  JohnRussell    3 months ago

If you cant be correct or useful, at least try to make money. That is the American way which the right embraces. 

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
4.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JohnRussell @4    3 months ago

Amen, Brother John...Money is everything!

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
4.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  JohnRussell @4    2 months ago

Exactly, John Russell that is why I am waffling, Is that wrong?

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
5  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    3 months ago

In the morning, I think, I may not have any friends. Well, what the Hell. I ain't got any now. Although, I think one of the moderators likes me. She is always giving me "Free Tickets".

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
6  Tessylo    3 months ago

This is for a certain somebody who refers to President Biden as Brandon

292771615_444608804181946_7467638439859520357_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s640x640&_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=9-qfBoYtgB8AX8Z5i_D&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=00_AT_kcQy7JcD6wCjpPP2-tXPLn-MPtUdfaW47c7cXW9zb5w&oe=62DB02FB

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
6.1  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Tessylo @6    2 months ago

Thanks, I thought they were talking about Marlon Brandon, the actor, but like me, didn't know how to spell his nane....er...name.

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
6.2  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It  replied to  Tessylo @6    2 months ago

Thanks, fellow NewsTalkers.communists.

I know how difficult and dangerous it is to break our codes, but sometimes we must "Scrubby-Do," if want t party with sensuous candies that they offer in exchange for our highly classified codes.

After all, we are nerds, and ain't gettin' any, any who?

 
 
 
Eat The Press Do Not Read It
Senior Guide
7  author  Eat The Press Do Not Read It    2 months ago

If you took as many illegal drugs as I didn't in the 60s, you would lose your shat, too.

 
 

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