Breaking News from Broke Back Mountain: GOP New Pleas for $$$
Category: News & PoliticsBy: eat-the-press-do-not-read-it • one month ago • 19 comments
(This Epistle may be offensive to some readers. If your are offended by words, particularly poorly bunched together, perhaps you would be well advised to skip this masterpiece and skedaddle on over to the Right-Wing, Guns Are Everything Page, and lick there.)
This treatise is constantly being updated, and changes moment to moment depending upon which moment one might be "perusing". No one reads this prattle, or, should, according to the CDC.
If you experience occasional coughing, boredom, sexual arousal, restlessness, call you Mental Health Specialists.
shat Fan stains.
The Mind You Damage Maybe Your Own).
This has been a paid Public Health Notice paid for by P. Halpren, whoever the Hell he is!
PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!
We are not responsible for any mental relapse, institution confinement, or Shat Fan Stains.
And, now Brothers & Sistas of the Corn-Hole DeGeneration, let us begin:
The GOP's new fund-raising scam...er...media slogan, works better than the simple-minded one created by Richard Nixon..."I am not a crook."
Although, "Tricky Dick" worked miracles for the party of Vulture Capitalists by kowtowing to corporate America, and took payoffs to get special treatment for legislation would benefit his donors, and screw the common man.
After all, who gives a SHAT about the common man? Are they not common
T-Rump and his tag-team of knuckleheads decided that the decade's old tagline,"Democrats Suck," needed to be upgrade and they were going to do it no matter what, primarily because they had a lot of time on their hand, and generally did nothing put play videos games all day long.
Our investigator, the Unshaven-Stinky, Always Drunk, Steve Bunions,
a former White House consultant to "Dirty Diaper Don" was, at that time, more popular than the POTUS!
So, naturally, Donnie had the drunk, unshaven, rarely bathed Bunions tossed out of the WH from an unopened, second-floor window, as DJT squeal, ran in circles clapping his hands, like a spoiled child, which he is.
From T-Rump's perspective, this calamity was the first opportunity for to introduced his own version of the "Proud Boys". His wife, Melanoma's personal, hard, stiff, black shirted, tattooed, private Dicks, known to the WH staff, as the fuc*ing, "Brown Nose, GESTAPO SECRET SERVICE, dedicated exclusive to her well being.
T-Rump was so jealous, according to our sauce, a homeless, battered Steve Bunion, living in the basement of the Washington Monument, that threw plates and catch-up bottles at the dinning room wall until the hardcore pricks were assigned to him, and a male porn star was hired to replace Melanoma's secret service team.
They were exhausted from their 24/7/365 work detail, and, were ready to switch teams. Some even turned "gay" to escape their rigorous duty assignment.
Trump, as many of you may not known, then, demanded that his Secret Service agents take on a more threatening, ominousness, kick-ass appearance, in order to scare the "Be-Jesus" out of the WH staph-o-cocises, and/or still lingering in her wardrobe closets.
Donnie's plate throwing, used temper-tampons throwing childish behavior alway got him what he wanted. Love-able Donnie gave these former prisoners a free-hand to intimidate his staff, advisors and critics, at will (especially Will Rogers, who he hated and never understood). Which the SS did with glee, causing many adversaries to pee, simply on seeing them, or so I am told by by hallucinations.
Diaper Don is rumored to have personally approved the new slogan, (written by Ghouliania in Rudy's own blood) while sniffing crushed Adderal tablets, mixed with Talcum Power to cut the powerful, addictive drug.
This newly installed Conservative, Right-Wing, Billionaires controlled Republican Party, formerly known as, the GOP (Government of Putin), now, referred to by WH staff as simply one congealed POS.
Fox TV Fake News' On-Air," Hot" Air Hostess blathered that the new slogan was superior to that junk that Lincoln pinned, like his sloppily written Gettysburg Address .
Two requirements that the former POTUS, real POS, DJT, insist must be wrapped in everything his administration did, and will do, when he is re-elected by an honest, Republican Certified Vote Counting Committee, appointed by DJT, and house for security reason at Lar Margo.
The GOP is asking every 'Murican to replace their former mantra, "Democrats Sucks with this Ghouliana approved winner:
"Democrats are Socialists, thorough and thorough! Baby Killers, Pinko Communists, Atheists, Anti-Christ Criminal, Orgy Organizers, Gays, Lesbians, Transgender Lovers."
This news, more manly statement is a robust, patriotic one, that will inspire our low-brow members to instantly open their wallets, send all your cash, ASAP.
Hell, they are so dumb, they will MAIL their wallets, too!
The following is the SLOGAN the GOP members must use on penalty of death, including dents in one's teeth! No exceptions, make the sacrifice, or, re-read the above, until you get it, dumbarse! - DJT
"Repeat after me!" (You may take a knee if you need to. Some people pee better in this position. I do.)
'HELP, I HAVE FALLEN & CAN'T GET IT UP!'
"Send money, Honey! We Love You, Jesus Loves You! Send Money, or we will burn your house down, clown!"
Isn't that a love-er-ly decree?
*********We interrupt this Special Nonsense-Podcast for another important, Twisted Sister's message from our incarceration editor, Jonathon Livingston Pigeon-Poo, here, at Eat the Press - Don't Suck On It!
Jonathan is OK, he has endured injuries in hand-to-hand combat with the Capital Police who are not Citizens, they are illegal aliens sneaking into our pristine country from Canada.
Doctored Pigeon-Poo was so moved by the GOP's new campaign slogan that he added his own pitch:
"Brothers & Sistas of the Corn Hole De-Generation. Don't be sucked in by Fox Fake News! They are controlled by the Saudis, Midas, Josh Hawley and other mentally defected creeps, such as, Carson Tucker, "The Little Mother F***er, only wants your money!
"Send it to me, instead!
"I guarantee, you Brandons, we (me, myself and I) will "wash your dirty, filthy money, and in 10 months' time, I will send it back to you, clean, freshly ironed and smelling like a gazillion crushed, red roses, TEN-FOLD"!
(Ten folds in your cashed checks, as we promised. We always uphold our promise in fine print.)
"Now, Brothers & Suckers, that is an investment that you can't refuse!"
DJT, who no one knew was listening in, chimed in, decked out in his orange make-up, died blond hair, red, white and blue clown costume, with his personal plead:
'Muricans, we need money. We are running out of our money. Send it now! The GOP is the only wall between America and Socialism. Give tell it hurts!
"Send it to DJT Enterprises, and I will personally autograph one of my new red caps, "Trump Wants More In 2024," for a small fee of $100, plus S&H.
"PS: I like beer. I am not queer, Democrats are!" - DJT
This Breaking News was submitted by Reverend Oral Fleece, "Straight from The Street & Not From the POLICE" our religious advisor.
The Reverend is pasture of the "CHURCH OF THE HOW BIG IS YOUR WALLET, HOW SMALL IS YOUR MIND?" And, he/she is currently, thinking about running for a Senate seat.
He explained his reasoning to run, "Hells, Bells, that where the MONEY is!"