BREAKING: Jesus seeks new brand management

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  2 months ago  •  23 comments

By:   JEN REEVES - The Beaverton

BREAKING: Jesus seeks new brand management

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



GOLGOTHA – After a tumultuous, decades-long relationship with Evangelical Christians, Jesus H. Christ finally announced He is seeking bids for new brand management. The announcement arrived today via burning bush. 

“I’m not supposed to say this, but you can only forgive people so many times,” Jesus said, after flipping a table. “I left very simple instructions: Love your neighbour. That’s it. Pretty straightforward. And yet, again, I’m dealing with these women-hating, white supremacist, gun fuckers. I don’t know if it’s a literacy issue, but I need new representation. I can’t work with these assholes anymore.”

Jesus confirmed that while He still loves evangelicals – because He has to – they are 100% to blame for His declining brand equity and loss of followers.

“At the very least, I need a brand management team that can read a room,” Jesus continued, with unspeakable grace. “That’s a big priority for me going forward. If they can’t commit to basic human decency, it would be cool if they understood how to spend less social capital than they actually earn.”

The brand manager RFP is slated to close whenever Jesus can find people that don’t freak out about Pride month, or critical race theory, or helping the poor, or yoga, or hearing Happy Holidays. 

In the meantime, the Holy Trinity is trying to figure out how to convince evangelicals to stop clobbering Instagram with unsolicited Bible verses. 

“Every attempt we’ve made to get these people to cease and desist has been misinterpreted as the devil’s work,” said the Holy Spirit. “I visited a couple churches personally, and they did a big exorcism to get rid of me. It’s all very annoying.”

Looking ahead, Jesus said he has started to read proposals. He couldn’t comment on anyone’s standing, but sources say He’s trying to poach Robert Downey Jr.’s publicist. 


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Hallux
Junior Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    2 months ago

New brand or not, He's not coming back. Neither am I and nor are you ... lot's to cheer about.

 
 
 
Vic Eldred
Professor Principal
1.1  Vic Eldred  replied to  Hallux @1    2 months ago

The sad part is you could have done better with that kind of satire than the overly blunt Jen Reeves.

You let your fans down today.

Tomorrow is another day, but then again, time is vicious when you waste it.

 
 
 
Hallux
Junior Principal
1.1.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Vic Eldred @1.1    2 months ago

Just keeping pace with you not elevating your disciples.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.2  Tessylo  replied to  Vic Eldred @1.1    2 months ago

You've got a lot of fucking nerve.

You let us down every day with your hateful ignorance against all Democrats/Liberals/Progressives.  

You don't actually let us down, I expect nothing from you but what you provide, you never disappoint with your hateful ignorance against all Democrats/Liberals/Progressives.

Go back to your own 'articles' you on your high horse looking down on us.

[deleted

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.3  Tessylo  replied to  Vic Eldred @1.1    2 months ago

293061809_547973283679253_2462389994276423062_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=p7IkUyfb5SQAX-3DqSM&tn=ddyv9WRSVi2y4Anp&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Iw0UTfDuNAPQTxELu_qUcNQ33AxaIOCX0AHvOZwlY_g&oe=62DE1057

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.4  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1.1.1    2 months ago

You didn't let us down Hal.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
1.1.5  Trout Giggles  replied to  Vic Eldred @1.1    2 months ago

speak for yourself

Hal made me laugh for the first time today. You on the other hand never give me a deep felt belly laugh.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.6  Tessylo  replied to  Trout Giggles @1.1.5    2 months ago

I only laugh in derision on certain 'articles'.

jrSmiley_91_smiley_image.gif

It's just so pompous and arrogant and hateful and asshole-ish when certain folks speak for others.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
1.1.7  Trout Giggles  replied to  Tessylo @1.1.6    2 months ago

Or the person who thinks that he knows what's in other people's head and heart.

 
 
 
Tacos!
Professor Expert
2  Tacos!    2 months ago
or yoga

Incredibly, this is a real thing. Religious Neanderthals have, for decades, engaged in fear mongering about MFing yoga. Because you go in there and they say “namaste” or “ohmmm” or something, it means they hate God, and you will be brainwashed into forgetting you’re a Christian.

Or something.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Tacos! @2    2 months ago

Namaste means nothing more than peace, doesn't it? Who came to bring peace to the world?

Besides, yoga is fun once you get into it

 
 
 
Tacos!
Professor Expert
2.1.1  Tacos!  replied to  Trout Giggles @2.1    2 months ago

Yeah, well, trying to get these people to relax and enjoy life a little never seems to work.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
2.1.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Tacos! @2.1.1    2 months ago

As I get older I make time to relax. Of course it's easier that the kids are out of the house, but I don't stress on stupid stuff like a clean house and every body's laundry is done.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
3  Kavika     2 months ago

The latest is that the Evangelicals are upset because the city stopped them from Baptisms in the local lake. They were polluting the water and the beach is my guess.

 
 
 
Revillug
Freshman Guide
3.1  Revillug  replied to  Kavika @3    2 months ago

I doubt it has anything to do with pissing in the pond.

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
3.1.1  Trout Giggles  replied to  Revillug @3.1    2 months ago

It's all that snot after being held under for a good minute or two

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
4  charger 383    2 months ago

He should do like Colonel Sanders and be his own spokesman 

 
 
 
Revillug
Freshman Guide
5  Revillug    2 months ago

I  hate to break it to Jesus, but some people are just not worth dying for.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
5.1  Tessylo  replied to  Revillug @5    2 months ago

Like #45.  The SS agents even lie for him.  Do you think they'd take a bullet for the steaming pile of shit?

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
6  JohnRussell    2 months ago
So what did Jesus use his invitational, gigantesque language to say? Quantitatively, not a great deal, as far as the records report; everything that the New Testament records can be spoken in two hours. Yet his teachings may be the most repeated in history. 
-
“Love your neighbor as yourself.
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”“Whatsoever you would that men should do unto you, do you also unto them.”
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Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
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You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
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Most of the time, however, he told stories that we call parables: of buried treasure, of sowers who went out to sow, of pearl merchants, of a good Samaritan, of a young man who blew his inheritance on a binge and found himself cadging scraps from the pigs, of a man who had two sons. The world knows them well. People who heard these stories were moved to exclaim, “This man speaks with authority.... Never spoke man thus!” They were astonished, and with reason. If we are not it is because we have heard Jesus’ teachings so often that their edges have been worn smooth,dulling their subversiveness. If we could recover their original impact, we too would be startled. Their beauty would not cover the fact that they are“hard sayings” for presenting a scheme of values so counter to the usual as to rock us like an earthquake.
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We are told that we are not to resist evil but to turn the other cheek. The world assumes that evil must be resisted by every means available.
-
We are told to love our enemies and bless those who curse us. The world assumes that friends are to be loved and enemies hated.
-
We are told that the sun rises on the just and the unjust alike. The world considers this undiscrimin-ating; it would like to see clouds over evil people and is offended when they go unpunished.
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We are told that outcasts and harlots enter the kingdom of God before many who are perfunctorily righteous. Again unfair, the world thinks; respectable people should head the procession.
-
We are told that the gate to salvation is narrow. The world would prefer it to be-broad.
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We are told to be as carefree as birds and flowers. The world counsels prudence.
-
We are told that it is more difficult for the rich to enter the Kingdom than for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye. The world admires wealth.
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We are told that the happy people are those who are meek, who weep, who are merciful and pure in heart. The world assumes that it is the rich, the powerful, and the wellborn who are happy.
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The great Russian philosopher Nikolai Berdyaev said that a wind of freedom blows through these teachings that frightens the world and makes us want to deflect them by postponement—not yet, not yet! H. G. Wells was evidently right: Either there was something mad about this man, or our hearts are still too smallfor his message.
-
from The Religions Of Man 
by Huston Smith
 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
7  Trout Giggles    2 months ago

I sure hope Jesus finds the right marketing company. Re-making an image after 2000 years is going to be tough

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
8  Hal A. Lujah    2 months ago

Let’s be honest - Jesus hates more than just the evangelicals.  In the US we have a two party system.  One of them wears Christianity on its sleeve while promoting policies that serve to make poor people more poor and rich people more rich.  Neither party really cares about helping sick people get well.  Most days I feel like I’m one of the only people he would actually like, and I’m an atheist.  Christianity screwed the pooch by immutably setting the bar out of reach.

 
 
 
Hallux
Junior Principal
9  seeder  Hallux    2 months ago

Had a nice chat with the Magdalena gal last night, she told me Jesus was sorta okay but those other 12 guys? "Oy vey, they're all gay!"

 
 

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