Cat watching you scoop litter box with quiet authority of tiny feudal lord

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  2 weeks ago  •  21 comments

By:   BETTY JOHNSON - The Beaverton

Cat watching you scoop litter box with quiet authority of tiny feudal lord

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



TIMMINS , ON — Upon hearing the unmistakable sound of a scoop dig into a wet clump of litter, three-year-old Muffins Fitzwilliam has climbed atop his cat tree to look down upon you with the quiet, menacing authority of a tiny feudal lord.

What began as an innocuous maintenance scoop has quickly turned into the performance of a lifetime as Muffins is now pacing and casting a harsh, judgemental stare as you, a mere serf, dispose of his waste.

“This is a power trip,” reported your roommate who just overheard you refer to the cat as ‘my liege’. “Look at you – your hand is shaking and you’re breaking a sweat. All this for a cat who licks his own ass.”

In response, Muffins gave a curt, unimpressed look and began pantomiming cleaning up the mess himself by just sort of brushing the floor with his paw, presumably mocking your inability to do it correctly.

“You can’t keep living like this,” pleaded your boyfriend. “Muffins won’t actually draw and quarter you in the public square if you miss a few clumps. Please, you can’t keep letting him get away with this absolute monarchy. He doesn’t even have thumbs!”

Reports indicate that this is the latest instance in a long-established pattern of the feline monarch treating you like a lowly peasant forever toiling in servitude beneath him.

According to sources, the diminutive sultan rules the 1000 sq foot apartment in which you live and pay rent with an iron paw, requiring a royal banquet of Fancy Feast each morning and forcing you to go on harrowing crusades to retrieve the toys he so callously banished to behind the couch.

Witnesses also report that Muffins has also recently used his power to enact Prima Nocta with Waffles, the orange tabby cat down the lane.

At press time, Muffins has climbed on top of you and begun using you as a human throne in an effort to degrade you like the lackey you are.


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Hallux
Junior Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    2 weeks ago

And the moral of the story? If you want to feel like Napoleon, get a dog.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.1  devangelical  replied to  Hallux @1    2 weeks ago

dogs have owners, cats have staff...

 
 
 
Raven Wing
Professor Expert
1.1.1  Raven Wing  replied to  devangelical @1.1    2 weeks ago

So very true, dev. My Mother had cats all her life, as have I. And that is a very true statement. While some may not have been demanding, they have never failed to let it be known that they are the decision makers on many levels. And nothing is right until they say it's right. A lesson I learned even as a toddler. jrSmiley_91_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
shona1
Junior Participates
1.1.2  shona1  replied to  devangelical @1.1    2 weeks ago

Morning Devan...nope not even staff.

Slave is more appropriate..

 
 
 
Raven Wing
Professor Expert
1.1.3  Raven Wing  replied to  shona1 @1.1.2    2 weeks ago

And they never let us forget it, too.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.1.4  devangelical  replied to  shona1 @1.1.2    2 weeks ago

that's probably more accurate...

 
 
 
Revillug
Freshman Guide
1.2  Revillug  replied to  Hallux @1    2 weeks ago
If you want to feel like Napoleon, get a dog.

A big dog so you can feel like you can have the full complex.

 
 
 
Hallux
Junior Principal
2  seeder  Hallux    2 weeks ago

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
3  Ender    2 weeks ago

This doesn't sound like satire...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
3.1  sandy-2021492  replied to  Ender @3    2 weeks ago

It never occurred to me that it was.

To add injury to insult, as soon as I've cleaned the litter box, my chubbier cat has to squeeze out at least a few drops of pee into it, just to keep me in my place.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
3.1.1  Ender  replied to  sandy-2021492 @3.1    2 weeks ago

I use to wake up with my (late) big cat sitting on my chest staring at me...

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
3.1.2  sandy-2021492  replied to  Ender @3.1.1    2 weeks ago

We used to have one that would wake us up by biting our ears and licking our eyelids.  There is no ignoring that.

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
3.1.3  GregTx  replied to  sandy-2021492 @3.1.2    2 weeks ago

I suppose that's better than the opposite....

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
3.1.4  Ender  replied to  GregTx @3.1.3    2 weeks ago

I would be afraid that would be the first thing the cat ate off of me if I dropped dead...

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
3.1.5  Ender  replied to  sandy-2021492 @3.1.2    2 weeks ago

That would wake you up...Haha

Mine also like to lay on a chair, looking all nice and relaxed. As soon as I walked by he would stick out a paw and claw me.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
3.1.6  sandy-2021492  replied to  GregTx @3.1.3    2 weeks ago

Ha!  True.

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
3.1.7  sandy-2021492  replied to  Ender @3.1.5    2 weeks ago

Ah, the stealth murderer.  Lull you into complacency, then strike.

Cats are the ultimate predators.

 
 
 
Thomas
Sophomore Guide
3.1.8  Thomas  replied to  sandy-2021492 @3.1.2    2 weeks ago

I had a cat, "Squirt, the Bigger,Pigger,Tigger,Chicken Monster " who would crawl onto my chest and then reach out a paw to gently tap my lips. If I was sleeping after that, he would extend his claws ever so slightly.... He never had to go any farther than that.  I got up and made him breakfast  

 
 
 
sandy-2021492
Professor Principal
3.1.9  sandy-2021492  replied to  Thomas @3.1.8    2 weeks ago

Todd wasn't necessarily hungry.  We left his food and water dishes full all the time, because he was a nibbler and didn't overeat.

He wanted to play.  Right then, and he wasn't taking no for an answer.

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
4  Buzz of the Orient    2 weeks ago

Well, even though there have been theories about it lately, at least they're not aliens......I think. 

 
 
 
Revillug
Freshman Guide
5  Revillug    2 weeks ago

I am running a retirement home for my red tabby, Seamus.

He is on a limited ingredient rabbit meat based cat food, with blood pressure medicine, low dose aspirin, a stool softener and potassium supplements. He is half blind and probably completely deaf.

But he still lords over me first thing in the morning every single day. We both know what I need to do for him and in what order and he keeps me on task. If I waiver off task he meows at me.

 
 

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