NFL Sentences Deshaun Watson To 3 Seasons Of Playing For The Cleveland Browns

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  gregtx  •  2 months ago  •  13 comments

NFL Sentences Deshaun Watson To 3 Seasons Of Playing For The Cleveland Browns
CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.

Though recognizing the rare severity of the judgment, commissioner Roger Goodell stood firm by the league's decision. "Heinous crimes deserve equally brutal penalties," said Goodell. "This is no wimpy one-season suspension like we hand out for gambling or wife-beating. No sir, for maximum psychological torture we are first doling out a six-game suspension, so Deshaun will have to sit and watch the absolute beatings he will soon endure. And then, once he has lost all hope, Watson will be declared starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Godspeed!"

A crushed Watson reportedly sank to his knees in disbelief as he heard his punishment read aloud. "There goes my career - and any chance of making it out of this league with half a brain still intact," said Watson. "Three seasons of getting pummeled by vicious 350-pound maniacs, plus the ignominy of being doomed to failure. Being the quarterback in Cleveland is like the modern version of getting put in stocks and whipped before execution! This is my nightmare."

"Might as well just put Deshaun in the grave," said Watson's agent, Rick Benjamin. "Even if my client had done everything he's been accused of, I'm pretty sure this qualifies as cruel and unusual."

At publishing time, Watson's agent had reportedly tried to cheer his client up by booking him a massage.


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GregTx
Junior Participates
1  seeder  GregTx    2 months ago

Watch out for those staph infections Deshaun..

 
 
 
afrayedknot
Freshman Quiet
2  afrayedknot    2 months ago

Hey, Brady only got four games for deflating his balls…

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
2.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  afrayedknot @2    2 months ago

I thought someone else deflated his balls for him. 

 
 
 
afrayedknot
Freshman Quiet
2.1.1  afrayedknot  replied to  GregTx @2.1    2 months ago

Same could be said of Mr. Watson…

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
2.1.2  seeder  GregTx  replied to  afrayedknot @2.1.1    2 months ago

Twue

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
3  JohnRussell    2 months ago

he's overrated

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
3.1  seeder  GregTx  replied to  JohnRussell @3    2 months ago

Of course, that's why he's going to Cleveland..

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
4  charger 383    2 months ago

Browns and Flying J Truckstops owner Jimmy Haslem has sent several of the women who hang around his truckstops to massage classes to handle things.   

 
 
 
cjcold
Professor Quiet
5  cjcold    2 months ago

Once upon a time worked a season for the NFL (deleted) football team as the bouncer, bodyguard, paramedic, bartender, waiter in (deleted) GM/owners suite on the 50yrd. line skybox. 

Half of the time I wanted to throw half of those drunk assholes off of the top of the stadium (sigh).

Always appreciated those ex-players, coaches, managers, owners who survived the NFL with integrity, respect and goodness/kindness intact.

Wasn't allowed to accept tips but always appreciated the thought.

 

 
 
 
charger 383
Professor Quiet
6  charger 383    2 months ago

Trade Watson to Russia for Britney Griner

 
 
 
Ronin2
Professor Quiet
6.1  Ronin2  replied to  charger 383 @6    2 months ago

We would have to give them every last Russian detained in the US as part of the deal.

Even Putin wouldn't want Watson.

 
 
 
Gazoo
Sophomore Silent
6.2  Gazoo  replied to  charger 383 @6    2 months ago

Throw krappernick in there too, jrSmiley_13_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Thrawn 31
Professor Guide
7  Thrawn 31    2 months ago

Damn… that seems overly harsh. 

 
 

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