Canadian Gangsters finding it difficult to suffocate people with reusable bag
Category: SatireVia: hallux • 2 weeks ago • 5 comments
By: ROB ITO - The Beaverton
OTTAWA – With single-use plastic bags becoming harder to come by in Canada many of the nation’s mafioso, made men, and goons report that reusable bags are not as practical at asphyxiating victims.
“It’s ridiculous. All these little holes keep letting the air out,” said Montreal thug Gabriel “Gasper” LeRoux, angrily throwing his bags in the trunk of his car which had ample room without anyone tied up in it. “I’ve been trying to choke people out all day and the only one I got was the one who passed out because he was allergic to the hemp the bag was made out of.”
LeRoux has reported having nostalgic feelings for the classic plastic bags for weeks now. “Those things were really essential to quality henchmenship. They would muffle the screams, were harder to chew your way out of than they looked, and when you were done with them, you just let the breeze take all the evidence away.”
“I mean, I still have a burlap sack with me, but that’s for kidnapping only!” added LeRoux.
“I know, I could strangle people with the straps or fill it with water and drown people in it, but I paid 8 bucks for it so I want to try and keep it free of blood. I guess we should all just do our part for the planet, or there won’t be any fish for us to make people sleep with.”
Frustrations about the new restrictions against single-use plastics have carried up to the upper management of organized crime . “First the restaurant we’ve been using as a front gets fined for using plastic straws and now this?” Toronto crime boss Willis Duke said while several underlings made a third attempt at smothering an unnamed man in the background.
“The sad thing is, we even got a bunch of knock-off plastic bags in the warehouse we could be using, but we were planning to bootleg them. We wouldn’t be bothering trying to suffocate people with compost bags if we weren’t sure the Yakuza would silently judge us.”
This isn’t the first time green initiatives have made things difficult for the nation’s organized gangsters, with many still complaining that bio-degradable cement makes it harder for them to drown people.