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Marriage Jokes for Adults

  

Category:  The Lighter Side/ Humor

By:  buzz-of-the-orient  •  last year  •  10 comments

Marriage Jokes for Adults

Marriage (Part I)

Macho man married Helena a good-looking lady, and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time  
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.   
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless  
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.  
I'll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing  
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you  
give me a hard time about it.  
Those are my rules.  Any comments?'
      
His new bride said:   
'No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
 
  ************************************************
  Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
  The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone  
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'  
  
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone  
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

*****************************************
 
  Marriage (Part III) 
 
  Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.    
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no  
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
 
After some time he realises he was nasty and  
decides to make amends and rings her up.  
  
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
  She says, 'I was in bed.'
    
'In bed this early, doing what?'
    
'Getting a second opinion!'
 
*****************************************
   Marriage (Part IV)  
 
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.    
  
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his  
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
 
One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
    
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,  
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
    
  *****************************************
 
 THE SILENT TREATMENT 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home  
and were giving each other the silent treatment.  
  
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife   
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  
  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it.  
  
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it  
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
    
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he  
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'
 
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

BUZZ NOTE:  I could see that result coming as soon as I read the second sentence.
      
*****************************************
 God may have created man before woman, but there  
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Red Box Rules

REQUIRED:  A twisted sense of humour.


 

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Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
1  Trout Giggles    last year
God may have created man before woman, but there  
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Thank you, Buzz!

And thanks for my morning giggles

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
1.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Trout Giggles @1    last year

I aim to please....

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
2  author  Buzz of the Orient    last year

Emailed to me by my brother - he's on a roll these days.  He also sent me this one that has nothing to do with marriage but does echo the feelings of some Canadians these days, me included. 

MAY DAY...MAY DAY….. 
This is the story of a young Canadian college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an elderly pilot. 
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the controls and the mike and calls out..... "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!" 
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying..... "This is Edmonton Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine!"
"Now give me your height and position." 
She replies, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Justin Trudeau ." 
"O.K."....says the calm voice on the radio. "Now slowly repeat after me... Our Father, who art in Heaven.…"
 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
3  author  Buzz of the Orient    last year

My brother's on a roll tonight. Now he just sent me this one...It had Canadian provinces but I changed it to American cities to make it understandable by Americans.

A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Tallahassee, watched her playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
He replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.
“Well", she said, "that may be OK in San Francisco but we're not having any of that shit here in Tallahassee, ”.

 
 
 
Just Jim NC TttH
Professor Principal
3.1  Just Jim NC TttH  replied to  Buzz of the Orient @3    last year

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
3.1.1  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Just Jim NC TttH @3.1    last year

The lefties will probably shit on me for that one. 

 
 
 
Snuffy
Professor Participates
4  Snuffy    last year

Not a marriage joke per se, but what the heck.....

Henry  Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford,  "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed  the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in  heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out  with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to  Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of  woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some  major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end  protusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much  4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm.." says Adam,  "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few  keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of  paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my  invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are  riding my invention than yours."

 
 
 
Just Jim NC TttH
Professor Principal
4.1  Just Jim NC TttH  replied to  Snuffy @4    last year

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif      jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
4.2  Trout Giggles  replied to  Snuffy @4    last year

that is a good one

 
 
 
Buzz of the Orient
Professor Expert
4.3  author  Buzz of the Orient  replied to  Snuffy @4    last year

Funny, but factually wrong.  Henry Ford didn't invent the car, it was invented many years previously by someone else, but he did create mass production of the car, and was rewarded by the Nazis for assisting them in their war efforts.  

 
 

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