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Bats announce plans to fuck shit up during eclipse

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  one month ago  •  17 comments

By:   IAN MACINTYRE - The Beaverton

Bats announce plans to fuck shit up during eclipse

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T


OTTAWA   – With Monday afternoon’s   eclipse   expected to occur mid-afternoon,   bats   from across the continent have announced that they will “fucking just go bananas” during the fleeting moments of darkness.

“For too long, the only thing protecting humankind from our leathery-winged wrath has been the protection you all enjoy from the cruel sun,” explained Vlad, a long-eared myotis bat and chairman of the North American Association for Bat Supremacy.

“But with the advent of the glorious eclipse, your world shall be plunged into night and become as a playground for our kind! All of your small fruits and insects shall be ours for the taking! And perhaps even your   blood   – maybe some of us actually are vampires? You don’t know!”

Several additional winged NAABS members echoed their leader’s comments. “While all you dipshits are staring up at the sky through a shoebox, we’re gonna be running this whole fucking joint,” explained Bruce, a 4″ tall 7-year-old hoary bat. “I’ve always wanted to try that whole ‘getting stuck in a lady’s   hair ’ thing, and during the eclipse none of you wingless chodes will be able to stop me.”

“It’s the Purge for bats, motherfuckers!!” exclaimed one visibly inebriated yuma myotis bat. “You might even say, while the eclipse is on, all bats are off! Also, where can I get a gun?

While the moon is predicted to block out the sun for just over four minutes duration in every affected area, representatives from NAABS insist this will be more than enough time for them to wreak untold nighttime havoc upon humankind.

“Our lifespans are only about 30 years tops, so we’re used to maximizing our time,” explained Vlad. “Plus, if those Qanon knuckle draggers can storm the entire US capitol in one day, imagine how much we can accomplish with literal wings!”

At press time, Prime Minister Justin   Trudeau   has announced a plan to release tens of thousands of deadly hawks across   Canada   to combat the bats, but only if Canadians promise to vote for him in 2025 .


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Hallux
PhD Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    one month ago

Who needs an eclipse, this joint is chockful of batshit crazy folks daily? 

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1  Tessylo  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

The bats are giving the republicans a break today from fucking things up.

 
 
 
fineline
Freshman Silent
1.2  fineline  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

Fortunately the eclipse will last only a few moments, these "batshit crazy folks" will be around much longer. Too much longer!

 
 
 
afrayedknot
Junior Quiet
1.3  afrayedknot  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

“…batshit crazy folks…”

BCF…the most cogent response whenever the stale tds trope is inevitably invoked. 

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
1.4  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Hallux @1    one month ago

"... none of you wingless chodes will be able to stop me.”

Chode? Chode is slang for a penis wider than it is long. 

 
 
 
Krishna
Professor Expert
2  Krishna    one month ago

Its a Witch Hunt! 

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
3  JohnRussell    one month ago

ABC's coverage of this has been ridiculous. Eclipses were undoubtedly more impressive and more meaningful to the observers before mass media. 

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
3.1  Drinker of the Wry  replied to  JohnRussell @3    one month ago
Eclipses were undoubtedly more impressive and more meaningful to the observers before mass media.

Exactly, people used to bang drums to scare the celestial dragon attacking and devouring the Sun or who to sacrifice to appease the angry sun god.

 
 
 
Just Jim NC TttH
Professor Principal
4  Just Jim NC TttH    one month ago

For a minute there I thought this was going to be about Nancy Pelosi and the squad.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
5  Kavika     one month ago

Man, crazy blind bats in a belfry.

 
 
 
Right Down the Center
Senior Guide
6  Right Down the Center    one month ago

437054244_10211699431597087_4515966751078110608_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=Tbm50Nxznv0Ab6hVjkl&_nc_ht=scontent-bos5-1.xx&oh=00_AfDMVycDYoRYq6RVErsqpu81HgiXSLEMARhRgWu3v4qAuA&oe=661A03E0

 
 
 
Hallux
PhD Principal
6.1  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Right Down the Center @6    one month ago

Free cell phones? That all started under that famous commie Reagan.

 
 
 
Right Down the Center
Senior Guide
6.1.1  Right Down the Center  replied to  Hallux @6.1    one month ago

Nope. Not free, not for illegals. Not cell  phones

The Lifeline program was established in 1985 by the FCC and the Reagan administration to provide support for low-income households to purchase telecommunications service.

Initially, only landline phone service qualified for the Lifeline subsidy. 

 

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
6.1.2  Kavika   replied to  Right Down the Center @6.1.1    one month ago

In 1985 landline was the way to go since cell phones were few, very expensive and landlines were plentiful and very inexpensive when compared to a cell phone if you could even get on.

 
 
 
Drinker of the Wry
Junior Expert
7  Drinker of the Wry    one month ago
Free cell phones? That all started under that famous commie Reagan.

What free cell phones to whom?  Digital cell phones weren't available until the 90's.

 
 
 
Right Down the Center
Senior Guide
8  Right Down the Center    one month ago

436943757_6763293810437219_8539844647224190386_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s1080x2048&_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=swJhuFAPMMcAb6tCrKH&_nc_ht=scontent-bos5-1.xx&oh=00_AfATF5_hUTC2g3ejh8mthr0GI8vWvHkbUH3UtUG_bMAkug&oe=661A160A

 
 
 
afrayedknot
Junior Quiet
8.1  afrayedknot  replied to  Right Down the Center @8    one month ago

Darkness blocking out the light. 

 
 

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