How To Piss Off Your Wife, Partner, Girl Friend - Without Doing A Thing
As I have discovered many times in the past, there is one sure way to piss of your wife, partner, girl friend without saying or doing a single thing.
I discovered once again, (for around 100 times in our marriage), that I'm capable of it, without even knowing it.
Yes folks, it's the dreaded scale after the holidays. Well, any time, but after the holidays seems to bring it to a much higher level.
This morning I stepped on the scale with Red in the room. This was a huge mistake, and I mean huge.
I looked down as the needle made it's way right, and stopped at 173 pounds. Cool, I whispered to myself. Another huge mistake. Red looked at the scale and screamed. Wiki and Annie (our dogs) hid under the bed.
I stood there knowing what was coming next, since I've experienced it many times before.
With her voice at the level of a jet engine she said. ''It's impossible'', you lost weight over the holidays, and your ate everything it sight. Tell me it isn't true Kavika!!!!
How was I to deny it, she was looking right at the scale. But I gave it a try. The scale is incorrect Red, honest it is. I'm sure that I gained ten pounds. Knowing full well that the scale was correct. Than I tried the old stand by...I'm 6' 1'' so the weight is spread over a large frame. You ate a whole chocolate cake at one sitting, and enough stuffing to fill an elephant. I tried to tell her that elephants didn't eat stuffing. Bad move.
Than she said, look at me, I gained ten pounds and starved myself. Well, my dear, you shouldn't eaten so much, remember that Weight Watchers thing your on. Another bad move on my part.
I saw Wiki and Annie's nose sticking out from under the bed, and signaled them to come out and rescue me. To no avail.
Than came the question that I dreaded.Red said,look at me Kavika, do I look fat in these jeans? Tell me the truth Kavika.
Since I never speak with forked tongue, I said ahhhh, well my dearest beautiful wife, your butt does look two axe handles wide.
I'm now living in the garage.
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True story.
I certainly hope the garage is heated, and has a fridge! I know I live a ways north of ya, but if ya ever need a cot....
LOL, I tried to tell her that it was a small ax. She than went a got my hickory ax handle which is 4 feet long...I don't think that I have to tell you want happened after that.
Ha!
:~)
You either got outta the way, or recieved an ax handle for a hat!
I'm ducking as we speak Larry.
Next year , hire a stand-in to take your place after the holidays ... Maybe a sumo wrestler :
Dumbass. The answer to "Do I look fat in _____?" is always "Not to me, dear! You look so hot in those things I wanna take you in the bedroom and ravish you right now!" How many times I gotta tell you that before it sinks in? It only took ME (dumber than a stump, according to my wife) 3-4 times to learn that lesson.
LOL, one leg of that guy probably weighs more than my whole body...
Does give a whole new meaning to ''thong''.
Sigh. Take the axehandle. Stand it upright. Tell her "Two axehandles wide means like this!!!!" and show her the handle standing up. Are you SURE we're related????
But, but you know I can't speak with forked tongue Neale. I'm really thinking about changing that and start lying to say my ass....
After that intro, it doesn't make any difference what you said, K, it was SO wrong !!
There are times in every relationship where genteel evasion, mild prevarication or even outright unmitigated bullshit are essential to domestic tranqulity. Whether it's her butt or my gut or the fact that Willie doesn't salute at 45 degrees now that I'm past 65, some truths are just too unpalatable to own...
Good luck getting past this one, bud...
(Friendly advice: Dietetic chocolates on Valentines Day will get you out of the garage-- and permanently into the doghouse)
''unmitigated bullshit'', perfect Swamijim.
I would never think of giving food of any kind as a gift...HAHAHAHAHA.
I keep telling Red, that it's hereditary. I weight the same as I did when I got out of the Army, many moons ago.
Might as well have said "No Red, you'd look fat in anything you wore".
I'll think of ya tonight while eating roasted chicken
LOL, hey easy 1st. I'm going out to dinner tonight, with Wiki and Annie.
It's NOT a forked tongue- that's only used when making treaties. It's called "Telling the truth as it SHOULD be!" So go ye forth, Grasshopper, and tell her the truth, as it should be- she looks awesome. And if you need it, take the little blue pill 20 minutes before you tell her.... Wiki and Annie NEED their Daddy to remain un-skinned.
At least Annie and Wiki weren't standing beside Red with the hair standing up on their backs giving you the stink eye. You would have been in real trouble then.
ROTFL, good one Neale. I'm be sure to follow your sage advice.
Your right on that Grump. LOL, I'll I need to do is piss off two more women.
Kav, Kav Kav, have you not learned yet?? Men must do ANYTHING to avoid the wrath of a woman!! Next time lie your ass off, oh wait . . . that will only make you weigh less . . buy flowers!
I'm a slow learner tzia. LOL, lie your ass off, but but I'll only weigh 165 then.
Flowers, yup, I think that the ticket.
Red starts off pissed because I never gain weight, no matter what or how much I eat. It's a talent.
Yahooo........Gunny is a genius. Perfect answer. Thank you.
"But honey - I love you just the way you are."
''sound familiar''...ROTFL ohhhhh yeah.
And she comes back, ''dammit, you Indians never have much to say''...LOLOLOL
But Italians do !!!!!! ( when they're done throwing things)
That is true tzia...LOL
Mighty fine line of BS, Justice.
Randy,
That one's going to get you screwed over so fast. The real correct answer is, "There's no way your ass could be any better", which is, of course, total bullshit. It can, however, be interpreted in any way she wants, which works to your advantage. It's a political answer to a difficult question, meaning absolutely nothing, but using a lot of words to express it.
Dear Friend Kavika: I clocked in at 165 on the truck scales (I am 5' 11 3/4") this AM.
Mrs. E. is like the Redhead. ManyLadies confuse self-esteem with a weight reading.
I tell Mrs. E. that I married a Woman, not a number on a scale.
I didn't give birth to our children, she did.
I didn't set metabolism rates, that is the province of G-d.
What I can control, and never fail to doislove her unconditionally, without limits and appreciate all she means to my life.
She does have a sweet tooth. I also told her when I crave something sweet, I kiss her.
Like you, I lose weight over holidays.
I also shovel my own snow in sub freezing and recently sub zero temps for hours at a time. We do that in tropical upstate NY this time of year. You can torch some serious calories in this clime shoveling snow.
The whole, "Does this out fit make me look hippy"? question is a death trap for sure and certain.
My response is that she honors her clothes by wearing them so well. It's a point of pride for me to be seen in public together. That tells the world that I am the lucky one in our marriage.
E.
My evening laugh, thank you.
The ol' Silver Tongue really knows how to roll, doesn't it Enoch??
Fake a heart attack so you don't have to answer? lol
TTGA, Justice, you are a couple of great bullshit artists...LOLOLOL
Your welcome Buzz, life is always an adventure in our tipi.
How did I know that you would have the answer Enoch, you silver tongue master of words.
LOL, now that would really be the answer. Life in the barn with Tex, after that comment.
ROTFL, classic Grump.
Kavika grabbing his chest, It's the big one Ethel. LOL
OMG Kavika.... I HATE YOU, YOU SOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You lost freakin' weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dumbass. You need to do what Matt does. When I ask him that question, he says, "You look OK, but I have seen you look better."
It's really hard to get mad at that.
I'm an SOB and a dumbass in one comment. Seems that I've reached the pinnacle of success on NT...
Dear Friend Kavika: I learn from you. Every article you write, each new fiction and advocacy venture keeps getting better and better.
You always did have a away with words.
We feed off each other. It is what makes us and Al-316 work so well together as co-authors.
Nothing like mutual respect and sensitivity.
By the bye, I am down to 162.5 this AM. Mrs. E. not so much. It is easy to know what she needs to hear. I listen to her words and the meaning she conveys with them closely.
As that great poet, philosopher and Saint Yogi Berra once uttered, "You can hear a lot by listening".
Enoch, wasting away in Margaritaville.
Dear Friend 1st Warrior: In both our cultures, and this is a high point for us each, we respect, attend to the needs of, care for, take care of and love our women.
Ya got that, the rest don't much matter.
E.
The wife is happy, the house is happy
Naw, to expensive BF, besides she is not fat. It's all in her mind. 5' 7'' 135 lbs...I just like to give her a bad time.
No, that would be giving her a good time.
A two week fishing trip, hmmmm.
Kavika, you reallu ought to know better than that by now!
I know Leotie, but it does make life exciting. No boredom in the old tipi.
LOL, yeah I think at times that is the answer.
That's his job . He has to rule on "illegal use of the junk" .
LOL, it's sure an illegal use of a thong.
I'm gonna pass on commenting on ''junk''...
How did I miss this one?
Thanks for the laugh Kavika, you sure are a wonderful couple and, even though I said it before I will say it agin, I hope to meet you two one day
We are an interesting couple Palma...
Indeed you are. Must be difficult for your kids to be so far from you two
Yup, it is Palma.
Dam the two axe handles I've used many times and the other is I want to hug all of her and my arms won't reach around so I can use chalk marks then turn her and hug again and chalk mark again Until I've got back to the start. Also used the fire routine that if there was a fire and someone yelled haul ass she would have to make two trips.
Well the shoe is on the other foot I gained 12 lbs. over the Holidays and well she has been much nicer and supportive than I was, My wife is very close to herideal weight and I'm 50 lbs. over. Dam guess i'm getting my due.
ROTFL, man with comments like that RMEP, you could be in the doghouse for life.
Wow that's low even by my standards.
Yep with no one to blame but myself. Actually we get along quite well and married 48 years so not long to that fifty mark. Isn't that when we find the pot of gold. Or is it when were to old to find the pot?
I am sorry, gete niijii, but you deserve your punishment.
I was not in the room during yourdiscussion with Red nor did I see how those jeans fit. But I know the answer to the question.
The answer is: "What? Don't be silly, honey. You look great. I don't know how you keep yourself in such great shape. Beautiful women are always so critical of themselves."
I tried something like that before. Here is the result, ''Kavika, you lying, I've gotten fat and you know it.'' But Red, I don't think so. ''Kavika don't lie to me!! Ok, you gained a bit of weight. ''I knew it, you think I'm fat.''
See how it goes niijii...LOL, I can't win.
Poor Red
Palma, Red is very lucky to have me as a husband. At least I think so..LOL
Indeed she is. And you're lucky to have her. Honestly, from what I read, you are perfect for each other, what some people call soul mates. And I am very happy for you and for your kids, they got special parents