No doubt you've heard some of these before, but do you have any other favourites?
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ..and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I posted these on another site a while ago, but perhaps some of you didn't see it. Hope it helps to bring you a smile.
Do you have any to contribute?
He who flies upside down has crack up.
7 days on a honeymoon make one whole week.
One liners my friends and I have texted back and forth (sometimes we have entire conversations that only consist of these types of comments):
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
I don't want your boyfriend, nobody wants your boyfriend, that's why he's with you.
Tequila is a sneaky bitch. One minute you're dancing like a sexy mofo and the next you're on the ground, pantless, making our with a shoe.
It's ok to kick people's barstools out from under them as long as you yell "JENGA" before they hit the floor.
I'm sorry, I don't speak douche, but I am fluent in punch-a-bitch. Would you like a lesson?
My friends are the kind of people that would flirt with the firemen while my house was burning down.
Have you ever looked at a person and though "Yep, you have a person in your basement."
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.
Control yourwhorehones, slut.
Twinkle, twinkle, little whore, close your legs you're not a door. You're gonna catch an STD, you're only wanted 'cause you're free. Twinkle, twinkle, little whore, you're cheaper than the dollar store.
You should learn to take a joke as easily as you take dick, whore.
I'd love you even if you were so ugly that everyone died.
If God didn't want us to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter. Maybe that's why T-Rax was always so angry.
I can't hold my liquor, so I put it in my stomach.
Yeah...I know...we are so nice to each other. But, it's all in good fun.
Money can't buy happiness, but it is a half-off coupon.
When you get to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
Children are our future. They must be stopped.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
MIckey - Rodney Dangerfield? or Henny Youngman?
I'm glad I metcha...
I'm glad I letcha.
If I hadn't a metcha...I wouldn't of letcha, but I metcha, and I letcha, and I bet if I metcha again, I'd letcha again! (you're really good if you can say this after a few drinks!!!)
It is tough to make things idiot proof, because idiots are so ingenious!
They're losing money, but they're making it up in volume.
I've occasionally used this line in forums...
Want me to be nicer, try being a little smarter. (utilized in the work place from time to time)
Damn,...sometimes I think I would be the ideal poster child for condum ads,....
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The doctor told my grandmother that to keep fit she should walk at least 5 miles a day. So she started walking 5 miles every day . . . and we haven't seen her since!
Why does sour cream have an expiration date? What's it going to do, go sweet? (Gallagher?)
My doctor told me I needed to get into shape . . . (patting my big belly) I told her ROUND is a shape! (BTW: my doctor was NOT amused).
So tell me, where do the people in hell tell other people where to go?
Can anyone please explain to me WHY kamikaze pilots wore helmets?