Death to all Palmettos
For those of you may not familiar with palmetto bugs, they are the scourge of the south. They nest in the palmetto trees and are often confused with cockroaches, but these boogers are bigger, more aggressive, and they fly. My first encounter happened my first day in Florida after moving down from northern Illinois. This huge creepy crawly flew into my hair and got all tangled up in it. I still get the heebie jeebies when I think about it.
I wrote the account below and posted it over at NewsVine several months ago. With your indulgence, I am re-posting it here and hope you enjoy it.
GeeGee vs. the Bug
So, I was minding my own business, just about to fall asleep in my nice comfy bed around 11:30 p.m.
There I was, just about to drift into dreamland, curled up with my cat, listening to the soft voices coming from the television, when something caught my eye. There was a large dark shape crawling across my ceiling. Crap, I thought, What is that?
I got up, turned on the light and there it was -- a palmetto bug, big enough to cast a shadow, looking down at me from behind the blades of the ceiling fan. Oh, dear God. I can handle snakes, mice, moles, birds, lizards, or any of the other cast of critters my cats bring in from the outside. But these nasty, creepy, gross bugs give me the absolute willies.
What to do? I didnt want to squish it on the ceiling because some dead bug juice could drip on my bed and, of course, there would be squished bug carcass on my ceiling. I didnt want to spray it with bug spray because, 1.) We didnt have any bug spray and I didnt think Lemon Pledge would do the trick and 2.) I didnt want it to drop onto my bed and run under the covers. (((shudder)))
Well, I couldnt go to sleep with that thing ogling me from above so I decided I had to be brave. I picked up one of my shoes and the plan was to flick the little bugger off the ceiling onto the floor so I could smash it with the shoe. So I half crouched/half stood on my bed and cocked my arm back and, shoe in hand -- swiped at the bug.
However, and I plead sleepiness here so dont judge me, I had neglected to turn off the ceiling fan. So instead of hitting the bug, my shoe hit a twirling blade which promptly knocked my arm backwards and my shoulder out of its socket. When the shoe hit the fan (snork!) my cat, the little coward, took off for parts unknown. My shoe flew backward and hit the window with a resounding CRASH and then fell behind my desk.
With a small whimper, I pushed my shoulder back into place and looked up -- and I swear to God that bug was laughing at me. His little antennae were just a twitchin with mirth.
This. Means. War.
After carefully turning off the ceiling fan (I am nothing if not a quick learner) and retrieving the shoe from behind my desk, again I half crouch/half stand on my bed, cock my poor sore arm back, shoe in hand, and swipe at the bug with all my might. Wooooosh!!
I missed.
Not only did I miss, but my momentum took me head first over the side of my bed, onto the floor, smashing my head against my treadmill on the way down and jamming my wrist as I tried to break my fall. And somewhere during my flight, I ripped a toenail and cut a finger.
So now Im sprawled on the floor between my bed and the treadmill, with my head concussed, my wrist sprained, my toe and finger bleeding, and my shoulder throbbing. I looked up and, you guessed it there was that son of a biscuit convulsing in laughter.
By this time, of course, I had woken up half the household. One of my sisters who lives with me came to the bedroom door to find out why I was making so much noise. I pointed to the ceiling and said succinctly, bug. She promptly turned around and left me alone with my nemesis. She doesnt like bugs either.
Third time is suppose to be the charm, right? So, bloodied and battered, I once again climb onto my bed, shoe in hand, ready to do combat. I cock, aim, and fire!! And I hit the stupid bug off the ceiling! Yipeee!! Score one for the good guys.
It is now past midnight and Im exhausted from the battle. I head to the bathroom to tend to my poor finger and toe and to be sure I wasnt bleeding profusely from a head wound. Then I went back to my bedroom to get my pillow and blanket to take to the living room couch (you didnt think I was going to sleep in my bedroom where a mutant bug was still lurking now, did you?) And there was that monster -- standing just as proud as could be on the floor at the end of my bed, certain that he was the victor in our little contest.
I have to tell you, I enjoyed smooshing that bastard more than anything I can remember. There was so much satisfaction in grinding that monster into the carpet with that stupid shoe, scooping up the remains in a wad of toilet paper, and flushing it down the commode.
Battle weary but victorious, I went to bed.
When I woke in the morning and tried to get out of bed, every muscle in my body protested. My head, shoulder, wrist, toe, and finger hurt so much I considered calling in sick for work. But I thought the excuse that I couldn't come in because I had been gravely injured in a life or death struggle with bugzilla the night before probably would not be well met with the bosses.
So I went to work and regaled my co-workers with a story of the ultimate grudge match: GeeGee vs. the Bug.
And now I have shared it with you. I hope you enjoyed my story and got a little giggle out of it.
The end.
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Hmmm, I have no idea why the font changed color half way through.
Anyhoo -- Death to all palmetto bugs!!
Hi GeeGee,
I took care of the coding problem that caused the blue font. It happens sometimes when you do a copy and paste.
Anyway, I had a good laugh at you v the palmetto bug. My first encounter with them was also in Florida, when I was visiting my grandma. I should let you know, that I am not afraid of most of the creatures that roam this earth, but I freak out about roaches, never mind about waterbugs (which don't fly but are bigger than roaches but look like them). So my first encounter with these fast moving, flying nightmares, made my skin crawl. Good thing I had my husband with me, since all I could do is scream and freak out.
Not wanting a large oozing mess if he squished it, he went into the kitchen and got a glass and caught the sucker! He slipped a piece of paper under the glass and let it outside the apartment. But for the rest of the night, I couldn't sleep, thinking that, like roaches, where there was one, their might be more. But that doesn't seem to be the case... at least not at my grandma's apartment.
Good to know other people are freaked by these flying boogiemans. I hate them!
BTW, great story!
Bless your heart!
I'm so glad I found this, as it was the perfect way to start the day! Laughing! Not at you, dear Gee Gee, but with you!
I've never seen a palmetto bug-- and they sound AWFUL! Pledge probably would have worked, but it takes days to do so, and would have left a greasy spot... Funny, but air freshener seems to work on flies. We never have bug spray when we need it, so I'm always just grabbing whatever is handy and using it!
GREAT story, dear Gee Gee!
Hiya, Perrie -- thank you for fixing the color.
I have scooped up many mice, snakes, lizards, birds etc. (both dead and alive) that my cats thought were wonderful prezzie for me without batting an eye. But anyone who has experienced the terror that is the palmetto bug will understand why I couldn't sleep with that thing lurking about in my bedroom and why you screamed and freaked.
I'm glad you liked my story. It gave my peeps here at work a large guffaw at my expense.
I'm so glad I made you laugh, Dowser.
I could laugh about it the next day, but that night I was just plain mad. I was tired and oh, so comfy in my bed. How dare that that that THING disturb my peace. Stupid bug.
I love Florida but I do NOT love the extra large bugzillas that live amongst us.
My first encounter with this creepy bug was right after I moved to Florida. While in the shower, I felt something crawling on my leg. I flicked it off and it landed on the shower mat, right next to my feet! When I saw the size of it, I started running around the shower,( I am not sure if I was chasing it or it was chasing me!) yelling for my hubby! He came in and smashed it with my shampoo bottle. I could only laugh at how crazy I must have looked. Hubby keeps reminding me to check the shower for palmettos now, but believe me, I don't need reminding!
FYI, another cute little bug I was made aware of in Florida was the love bug. All kinds of creepy, crawly, flying things here I had to get used to!
Oh, jennilee. You made me laugh thinking about you being chased around the shower by a palmetto!
Ah, yes. The Love Bug. It's just about Love Bug season, is it not? A glorious time when everyone must bob and weave to avoid these little critters doing the nasty while in flight. They really like to congregate at the entrance of my office building. It's like running the gauntlet both arriving and leaving work. Gross. Plus -- I don't like having to put that bra on my car. Sally (my little convertible) loves to go bra-less but she hates getting love bugs in her cleavage.
When we first got to Florida on Memorial Day weekend with a truckload of furniture, we unlocked the door to our empty house. The entire floor was covered in dead bugs!! We had no clue, we thought there had been a termite swarm or something like that. We called our Florida native friend, he just laughed and said "didn't I tell you about love bugs?" We later found out they must have come in through a very small gap under the front door. Lizards, lovebugs, and palmettos! Have yet to see a gator, but after all the other Florida critters, I think I can handle it!
Wow, is that Sally covered in the aptly named bugs?
Great story! Thanks!
Yeah, I'm hoping God isn't a Palmetto Bug. If he/she/it is, I'm in deep poot.
Way way back in the day when I was in Art School in Hotlanta P Bugs were pretty much all the entertainment I could afford. The game went thusly: I'd dim the lights in my hovel, indulge in a poke of Piffle, turn on the music, get my lighter in hand and stand in front of the stove. Then, I'd give a good splurt of Bug Killer under the stove. A veritable army of P Bugs would come running up the wall behind the stove. I'd hit as many as I could with my lighter. There were little black smoky marks all over that wall. Hell, I got so I could hit a P Bug anywhere in the room, standing, sitting or lounging, with a Chuck Taylor High Top. I was deadly to those suckers.
I still wear pointy toed cowboy boots on the chance I might catch one in a corner. Foul things. Nasty.
Back when I had nothing else better to do, I lived in a vandalized house way out in the Swamp in Central Flarda. It was a wreck and a half and I was rebuilding for rent. We slept in a tent in what was left of the living room. The place was chock full of Wolf Spiders so kilt em all. Big mistake. It wasn't long after that the Palmetto Bugsters moved in. Bad news. We ended up driving down the sand road a few miles to Kenny and Susan's trailer. There we caught a bunch of their Wolf Spiders and let em loose back in our house. Palmetto Bug problem solved.
Anyhow, screw those bugs. I don't care if they are somebodies ancestor. I'm going to murder them whenever I can.
I should mention, that drawing is by Gilbert Shelton of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers fame....
They are indeed Evile Minions of Beezlebubbah. I fly the Black Flag when it comes to Palmetto Bugs. No retreat. No mercy.
I hate those little bastards! And it never ceases to amaze me that lots of Yankees think that if they vacation in the south, the hotel rooms are somehow "dirty and infested" when they find a palmetto bug. I guess they don't understand that most southerners have to have their homes sprayed regularly
It's either The Palmetto Bug Jihad or adopting a bunch of em as pets.
Well, they are certainly big enough to put a collar and leash on them. Or a saddle!
I swear, there are some days that I just want to give up the fight and let them have my house. As soon as I THINK I've gotten the last one, I walk into the next room only to find out they've taken up residence in their winter home (aka, my sun room).
They need to return to the God-forsaken Palmetto trees that spawned them.
I was horrified when I first moved to Florida to find these creatures invading my space. I cleaned like a little white tornado to no avail. I think they LIKE a clean space to set up housekeeping. Lysol is an aphrodisiac to them.
Be careful. At night when you sleep and think all is well in the world they'll send out their Black Ops Units and make off with your refrigerator....
Actually -- I'd be just fine with that. My old fridge is on it's last legs and I'm trying to figure out how to get it out of the house. We had a room added (closed in our car port) and the foyer is now at an odd angle to the living room so I can't get the darn thing out the door.
Maybe I can pay palmettos to carry it through the house and out the back screened porch? The least they can do is work for their lodging.
Yes, tesla -- I was not thinking clearly and should have just smooshed him on the ceiling, gut stain be damned.
I have started a one woman palmetto jihad (thanks for the phrase, Tex!). These nasties need to be exterminated from the earth. And I'm a pacifist!!
Hi, Neetu. Unfortunately, if you see one -- more are usually lurking in the shadows.
When I wrote this article early last year, Florida was very dry - almost in drought condition. I believe these nasties were coming into our homes in droves searching for water.
I haven't see one in my house now for several months so I'm hoping I got them all. However, warmer weather is right around the corner and the battle will begin again.
Here are the links I promised.
(Yournemesis)
They live in damp areas of buildings and places like sewers and storm drains. They are the largest species of cockroach in the US.
(Palmetto Bug)
They live in wooded areas, especially in palmettos. They are not ordinarily found in homes.
(Palmetto Bug photo)
Note that they are black rather than brown and are shaped differently than the ones we usually encounter in our homes. They are also slightly smaller than the Americanvariety.
Smaller? Last time I was in Hilton Head one almost carried off my six year old nephew
Bet palmetto bugs would have a higher approval rating than the US House!
Wow - redphish. Thank you for this information. All this time I was maligning the poor innocent palmetto bug when the real culprit is a COCKROACH!!! Gross, nasty, ick.
For some reason I felt better about myself thinking they were palmettos. In my mind, cockroaches live in dirty homes - not my pristine abode. Le sigh.
Well, for now at least, I am bug free. But I am every vigilant for any sight of that dark shadow creeping across my ceiling at night.
Snork! Boudicea! They are huge, are they not? If saddled, your nephew could ride one.
GeeGee, I almost rolled in the floor at this! I know it's all too true, but it was hilarious at the same time. I hate anything that has more than four legs and is big enough to throw a saddle on or that makes a noise walking across the floor. I would have left a pile of something that stinks had it been me.
GeeGee, glad I found your story. Eeeeek. I don't like cockroaches, we have the American Cockroach, some as big as 2" long, nasty little f'ers, to say the least. We are also getting some kind of other roach, bigger, redder and flying at you kind. They have come up the Rio Grande from Mexico. I think they may be illegals, but that is another story.
We also get crap loads of black widow spiders during the spring, summer and fall. In the fall, they try to come into the cozy and warm house. We spot them walking on the wood beams and ceilings or we see their disorganized webs. My Corgi puppy came in the house this last fall and I could tell he had something in his mouth. I asked him to drop it and he did. It was a dog slobber covered black widow. How on earth he managed to not be bitten, I have no idea. Maybe there was too much dog slobber on the poor spider - he couldn't even move he was so drenched.
I have a most simple and efficient solution for you: get yourself a Shop Vac. I recommend the Bull Dog . They are cheap, but like printers and ink cartridges, the bags are somewhat expensive.
Ok, so you have a Shop Vac Bull Dog (great name, eh?). No smashing required. Just turn it on and suck the nasty bug, spider or whatever right up. Now you are faced with the problem of the little bastard crawling back out. Not to worry. Perhaps you have some of those plastic pill bottles from the pharmacy that will fit snugly on the end of the hose? Use that. I use blue painter's tape on the end of my Shop Vac hose and haven't had an escape yet.
I suppose the really big question is this: How many bugs will fit in the Shop Vac. 8 gallons of bugs is a bunch, isn't it? But, you will love your Shop Vac. You can use it on the car, cat and so on. You can also practice your kissing skills, but wash the end of the hose first.
I hope I have been of some help.
I read this story when it was posted on the Vine, glad you re-posted it for the NewStalker folks, it is a very funny encounter.
I doubt I would have the same patience as you. I likely would have resorted to what is now known as "The Biden Solution" and blown a hole in my ceiling with a 12 gauge shotgun.
GeeGee is ignoring the Grump. I am heartbroken and crushed.
Mea culpa, Grump. I am contrite and repentant. I promise to never ever ignore the Grump, ever again.
Especially when he's giving me instructions on how to better my sucking, I mean kissing, abilities.
Oh, my dear. I think that may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Maybe. I shall ponder a while
. Thanks.
I really do love you, dearest Grump. You make me smile.
I had to come back and read it again. Oooo.