Some of the Best Southern Colloquialisms
Southerners have a way of speaking, sometimes, that makes no sense to the rest of the country. Even if you hate the south, and what it used to stand for, a lot of us live there, and we, pretty much, use these phrases frequently. Some of these are so "local" or "regional" that they may mystify you, but, some have gained popularity across the country-- even worming their way into local vernaculars that are not a part of the southern network.
This article is from a variety of other articles, linked below, and, of course, I've added a few things that we actually say here-- although all of these are used here. But Louisville isn't "southern", you may say. Granted, we are the southern-most northern city and the northern-most southern city, nor are we an official part of the "deep south", (we didn't secede), but we love a good joke, and it IS a colorful way of speaking, without being tacky. Or, maybe just being a little bit tacky. All of these are directed towards "he"-- and no offense meant. Most of them are not gender specific!
Links:
50 of the Funniest Southern Expressions
13 Southern Sayings the Rest of America Won't Understand
50 More of the Funniest Southern Expressions
Placemat from Pikeville, no link, circa 1983
"Hang onto to your hat", and let's have some fun! 
On being dumb/crazy:
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
He's one shingle shy of a roof!
He ain't got all what belongs to him...
Not the sharpest tool in the shed!
If he had a third hand, he'd need a pocket to put it in...
He ain't got the good sense that God gave a goose!
He's so full of shit, his eyes are brown!
He's as dumb as a box of rocks!
He don't know his own ass from a hole in the wall...
He don't know whether to shit or go blind!
He didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
He couldn't find his own ass with his hands in his back pockets!
When God said, "brains", he thought God said "rains", and went to get an umbrella.
He couldn't find water if he fell out of a boat!
On fractious people:
He could start an argument in an empty house.
That man would worry the balls off a pool table.
What a turkey! He'd drown in a storm! (Meaning: he holds his nose up so high, being snooty, that, like a turkey, he would drown in a bad rain...)
On being worthless:
He's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
He ain't worth the ammo to shoot him.
Farmer Brown couldn't stand on a bag of fertilizer and raise an umbrella!
On looking bad after a bad night:
He's been rode hard and hung up wet.
That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull. (Note: The word bull is interchangeable with other male mammals and/or inanimate objects-- aka "tits on a bicycle")
Wasn't nothing between him and the Lord but a smile! (Describing someone who is buck nekked.)
He's madder than a wet hen!
I'm so hungry, my stomach thinks my throat has been cut!
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth!
He was happier than a tornado in a trailer park!
That dog just won't hunt. (a bad idea)
He can get mad or glad in the same pair of shorts. (It doesn't matter.)
If assholes had airplanes, then this place would have an airline.
Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes! (about an idea...)
What's that got to do with the price of tea in China? (Asked of someone who's going off topic...)
He is tighter than the bark on a tree.
Wayull, look what the cat drug in! (said to an unwelcome guest...)
Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash!
He's happier than a dead pig in the field. (Said because when a pig dies in the sun, the sun dries its skin, drawing its mouth back in a grin.)
He's got more nerve than Carter has Liver Pills.
I'm finer than a frog hair split four ways!
On being busy:
He was busier than a cat burying shit on a marble floor.
He was busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
She's busier than a two dollar whore on nickel night!
On being uncomfortable:
He was sweating more than a whore in church. (Or the more lady-like version, "like a sinner in church...")
On being a bad-ass:
He's so bad he whups his own ass 3 times a week.
He's slicker than snot on a door knob.
On being clumsy:
He's so clumsy, he'd trip over his own cell phone.
On being poor/rich:
He doesn't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.
He's got so much money, he buys a new boat when the other one gets wet.
He's livin' in tall cotton now!
On the weather:
It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassier.
It's colder than a well digger's ass.
It's hotter than flue gin! (A prohibition/moonshine saying.)
On being ugly:
His buck teeth are so bad, he could eat corn through a picket fence!
He was so ugly as a child, his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
He looked like he had been scared up out of a brush pile!
She could make a freight train take a dirt road.
Whooooeee! That woman is hard looking!
Than woman could go bear hunting with a switch!
He's so ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink!
He's so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at him!
Bonus: Getting Ready To:
It's fixin' to rain.
I'm fixin' to do ____...
He's fixin' to get beat up.
I hope you enjoyed these! Thanks for coming by!
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We used to have a friend named Jimmy, that collected these sayings... I think they are FUNNY!
Some things you hear though are 'bout as worthless as high heeled sneakers.
I love that one!!! How funny!
''Shit boy, howdy''....from Texas.
I've heard "Shit fire, boy, Howdy!"
I guess shitting fire would not be a pleasant thing...
Couple more - compliments of "Redneck Slang"
Read more at
These are all good! I enjoyed them very much!!! Thanks!
Note: Daddy called me "Varmint" when I was a kid...
A nice list.
A few of them now seemed to be used outside of the South as well: rubbernecking, colder than a witch's tit, herding cats, etc.
Alo, I think some of them may be old fashioned and/or generally used in many rural areas outside the South as well: varmint, skedaddle, etc.
cattywampus?
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, growing up-- so some of these are the things they used to say! Let's see, they would both be in their 120's by now...
In some parts of the South, there are 2 variations of "y'all":
1. Singular: Y'all. Are y'all going tonight? (Used when speaking to only 1 person).
2. Plural: All y'all. Are all y'all going tonight? (Speaking to 2 or more folks).
Of course its improper usage. Y'all should be plural, & theoretically "all y'all" doesn't exist. But I''ve heard it used that way.
Some of them I have heard in Michigan. I think many of them are just talking "country" like most rural people do in most of America. Though when I was installing computers in hotels and I had an assignment in Georgia or Tennessee there were time while I was teaching I needed an interpreter. It was either that or just nod my as if I understood. Oh and I also found out when one is down South and you order an Ice Tea it's going to be Sweet Tea unless you say otherwise.
I think you're probably right, not necessarily "southern", but "country" in general... But they're all funny!
Note: There is actually a law in Georgia that if you serve iced tea, you have to serve sweet iced tea. Unsweet iced tea is, I guess, an option!
Thanks!
There is actually a law in Georgia that if you serve iced tea, you have to serve sweet iced tea.
One of the products produced down there is cane sugar, gotta use it up somehow.
There's another law in Wisconsin (although it may not be enforced any more) that, if margarine is sold in a store, it cannot be colored yellow. To get around it, producers used to put a yellow dye packet in the package. Obviously that vegetable derived pretend butter crap (not my phrase, it was actually told to me by a Wisconsin State Legislator) couldn't be sold looking appetizing in The Dairy State. A smart guy; by using phrases like that, he got to stay in the Legislature rather than going back to chasing ambulances for a living. Guess he knew which side his bread was "margarined" on.
How very interesting! I knew that dye packs were included with the butter during WWII, but never knew it still existed! Wisconsin knew what they were doing...
And Cane Sugar in Georgia! I never knew that! Makes sense! I guess, here in KY, we need to require that all products include goat meat, coal, and/or tobacco...
" Oh and I also found out when one is down South and you order an Ice Tea it's going to be Sweet Tea unless you say otherwise".
And as you leave the restaurant they say:
"Y'all hurry back now!"
That good 'ole "Southern courtesy".
(Y'all can be either singular or plural in this case).
I love it when the waitresses call me "honey" or "sweetheart". It's just a nice way of waiting on people!
Thanks for coming by, Petey!
Shoot, I've used all y'all myself... On a daily basis!
A talkative person:
"Her/his mouth runs like a Whippoorwill's ass in Chokecherry time"
I heard that from a woman in upstate New York !
That's descriptive! I love it!
We have one in the family: He talks more than Lulu barks! (Meaning he talks, a LOT!)
Like Randy, I've heard many of these in rural parts of Michigan and many more while in the Navy (lots of Southerners, particularly Texans, in the Navy back then). Back when Mr. Carter was President, someone put out a book (I used to have a copy three moves ago) called How To Speak Southern. It had a lot of good ones in it, including many of these. The one I remember best was a definition, Shurf, A Southern Law Enforcement Officer. Also had the location Upside, as in, I'm goin smack him upside the haid. My sister had the best country/Southern putdown I've ever heard, "He thinks he's hot shit on a silver platter; he's really a cold turd on a paper plate"
I love those! Yeah, I think that a lot of them aren't so much regional, but more country! However, I found the article, followed the links, and took out the ones I'd never heard of, adding some of the things we actually say here...
So, the list isn't complete, or accurate, but I knew that in the beginning...
Screw you and the horse you rode in on.
Bless your/her/his heart. (Could you/he/she be any more of a dumb-ass?)
He was all hat and no cattle. (Big talk with no sustenance)
That dog don't hunt. (Get your story straight, Jethro.)
Sunday go-to-meetin' clothes (Any clothing ensemble that doesn't include jeans with a back-pocket skoal can imprint)
Well slap my ass and call me Clem/Cletus/Jethro/Billy-Bob/Sugar Britches/etc.
All good ones!
Another "Store Boughten", as opposed to home made. I didn't have a store boughten dress until I was 7. Until then, my great aunt, grandmother, and mother made all my own clothes-- and they were beautifully embroidered, hand smocked, or just plain lovely... A store boughten dress was unusual, for me!
Those are great!!!
That man/women/boy, is so dumb they couldn't manage a one car funeral.
We said that last night, in fact! I think the actual thing we said was, "Cruz could screw up a one car funeral." To be honest!
I love it!!!
Fun article, but many of these sayings are used everywhere in the country to my knowledge.
I'm sure they are! Frankly, I hope they are-- we are a mobile society, and I think it's great that we can use colloquialisms and still communicate!