Praise the Lord, I’ve seen the dark
The writer is an author and radio personality.
A week ago I felt good about America but no more. Coyotes are running freely in the streets of our big cities, the stock market is teetering on the verge of collapse, the monetary system will soon go belly-up, China and North Korea and Iran have knives to our throats, our schools are in chaos, politicians corrupt, the media stupefied by political correctness, and everywhere you look you hear foreign accents. We are on the edge of the abyss.
At my house, we’ve begun fortifying the basement walls with sandbags and laying in barrels of fresh water and K-rations. We refuse to be at the mercy of the government when liberals decide to shut down the water supply. We have purchased flamethrowers that are much more effective than firearms, and we have enough napalm to fight off platoons of invaders, plus the attic holds four tons of dynamite that is wired to a single switch in the refrigerator: When we go, we’ll take the whole neighborhood with us. We’ve cashed in our bonds and put some of the money in coffee cans and buried them in the yard, and the rest we’ve invested in precious agates, which is the only truly safe place to put your money these days. The American Board of Agates in Waco, Tex., has a brochure that will knock your socks off.
Of course, none of this information appears in the mainstream press and you can be sure that no newspaper dares to print what I’m telling you now. The greatest nation in the world is about to collapse like a paper parasol in a hurricane unless Donald Trump is elected president and given the power to turn things around.
I am a lifelong Democrat, or was until I watched the Republican National Convention and the darkness became visible and the pieces clicked into place and suddenly everything made sense. This is scriptural prophecy come to life, the seven-headed beast, the whore of Babylon, the woman with snakes coming out of her head, all of it. It’s here. Now.
“What can I do to protect my family from the holocaust of a hostile Hillary takeover?” you ask. “Or should we fly to Singapore while our retirement fund is still worth something?”
That is up to you. But if you choose to stay and fight, I can train you in the most effective technique of persuasion yet devised, developed by Hopi medicine men centuries ago and used by Navy SEALs, now “Top Secret” and so I am exposing myself to felony indictment by the very mention of the name “Hopi hypnosis,” or Hopnosis, and could be sent to prison for up to 25 years, but I don’t care. A man must do what a man must do.
I can send you a 35-minute video on a DVD that will teach you how to employ this technique for $47.95, plus $13.50 handling and postage.
The technique involves (1) breath control, (2) steady eye contact, and (3) the silent mental repetition of a code word that carries the hypnotic power. It’s as simple as that.
I have used Hopnosis to talk a used-car salesman into selling me a 2010 Honda Accord for half of list price, make my teenage daughter turn over her iPhone and go to her room, and convince my wife that the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941. And I have persuaded 75 friends who are Democrats to vote Republican in the fall. In three days.
If each of us changed 150 minds every six days between now and November, the country can be saved. Either we use this technique or we surrender to the enemy and leave with our tails between our legs.
“Prove it,” you say. “Tell us the code word that gives us the power to reverse the rational thinking of another person.
I can’t tell you that, of course. I can only tell you that it’s a five-letter word that begins with L and ends with R. “Lover”? Close, but no cigar. Send now. The supply is limited. If you are not completely satisfied with the DVD, you may return it within 30 days for a 100 percent refund — I keep only the $13.50 postage and handling. And because our national currency will likely be in free fall, the refund will come to you in the form of a precious agate worth many times the list price.
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Garrison Keillor is an American treasure and icon! This opinion column of his is him at his finest. I put it under humor instead of politics, because it's funny in a very, very dark sort of way, more then it is political IMHO. No matter where you stand politically, this is a funny article!
I also changed the picture from the original article to one of the author to take a little more of the politics out. If this is determined to be a violation of the CoC (and I don't think it is) I will be happy to replace it with the picture of Donald Trump.
EXCELLENT!
Thank you for that....
And you forgot to mention, they will send you second DVD for free if you respond right now for only the cost of S/H!
I love it when someone tries to sell us up the river instead of down...
There's always a "Wait! There's even more!" moment in those infomercials and then they drag out more garbage!
Thanks Randy,,,Hilarious!
I have been a fan of his very dry humor for many years and I think it's safe to say that I am far from being alone on that. He has a big, big following and this article shows why. You're right, it is hilarious!
How funny! The farce that was the RNC is just beginning...
Funny, how here in Louisville, the stop lights still work, I can go to my bank and withdraw my $$, and there is still plenty of food at the grocery. I mean, if we were on the verge of collapse, wouldn't that all change? If it were the complete chaos depicted by the RNC, the crosswalk would direct pedestrians to walk on green, I feel sure the very local police station would be void of cars and ambulances, and, there would be fires, everywhere... What a shame!
Joan and I went grocery shopping two days ago and everything seemed normal. Even the food at the IHOP tasted the same and none of the many Hispanics there tried to beat, rob or kill us. In fact they were all very friendly and completely un-ganglike.
All of the grocery shelves were well stocked and so was the deli section. There was no pushing or shoving or shooting and not a single police car or fire truck there or back.
Still, they could have all been robots, so I think it's wise to invest the DVD and that the $61.45 total is going to be my second best investment. After I take all of our money out of the bank and send it to The American Board of Agates in Waco, Tex. Heed the warning!
I love to polish agates... In fact, I wanted to make that my career. But, I couldn't figure out how to eat them.
I hear you. Even if you boiled them for hours and hours they'd still break your teeth.
Or at least I suspect they would. Maybe I should try and see....?
Feel the burn...
The American Board of Agates in Waco, Tex.
Of course The American Board of Agates in Waco, Tex. forwards all money to my offshore bank account in the Bahamas. As it should be! Don't worry though! If you are unhappy with how your money is invested (in my name) I'll gladly send you your investment's worth of agates to your home. You have to pay for any shipping over 1/2 pound though.
Classic, I love it.
We may all have to go live in the mythical and mystical state of Jefferson, to survive the coming apocalypse... Scoot over, XX, we've got a LOT of people coming to see you!
What is the magic word for Hopnosis?
I think you have to order the DVD for the answer. Or find a Hopi Native American and ask them?
Ahhhh... Of course! It's like Getting Rid of Spider Veins In Your Own Home.
Spiders have veins? I'll have to look closer the next time I mash one. In AZ we had really big Tarantulas and they might have had veins, but whenever they were in the house I'd just pick them up and put them outside (and outside of the yard).
LOL!!!
There is all kinds of stupid stuff on the internet. Take a common problem, like, say, arthritis. Develop a "cure". Make a DVD advertising this "cure". Sell it for millions, and voila! You've got yourself a millionaire! I've heard that rubbing agates on your joints cures arthritis!
Wouldn't it make your joints more difficult to smoke?
LOL!!!
The joints I rolled for my first few years of getting high were so bad (lumpy) I used a bong most of the time. I don't know how cowboys rolled their cigarettes so easily in the movies! And Boogie was a PRO!!!
Sadly, there are many Americans who will read that and wonder if it is satire, because it sounds real enough.
That's why you should invest in agates now! The more people who believe this is true (and it really, really, really does sound true!) the higher the price of agates will go. The secret is knowing when to dump all of your agate investments into government bonds or your IRA.
Love you, Hal.
Fortunately, we don't have that in our neighborhood, yet.
Classic Trump supporter.
Now I know where the Lawrence Welk fans went after he died. There is nothing more boring than listening to Garrison and his wore out Dusty, Lefty rhubarb pie snooze fest.
Some people just don't get great satire. It's so sad. Maybe they're born that way?
I used to listen to him but these days he's just going through the motions and all the banjo music is hard on the ears. The good news is they say he's hanging it up soon. I think Ira Glass and This American Life has slipped a little too. NPR needs some fresh blood.
You'll just love his replacement then, mandolin prodigy extraordinaire Chris Thile ( I have had one of his very first videos posted on my wall for years here). Here he is with some of his hillbilly buddies ...
I recall that we used to use another name for pieces of agate, and that is "marbles", so your biggest concern would be should you lose your agates. Even if they were to lose their value, the kids still like to play with them.
Dear Friend Randy: I am a huge fan of Garrison Keillor.
Both his Prarie Home Companion, and short essays on literature and history of the day in that field.
Please keep the satire cooing.
Gratefully, Enoch.,
My pleasure, as was also the case when listening to him.
I think I have just been brain-washed.
Don't forget to condition and then rinse. Brains have whirls (like curls), so don't towel dry it. Just let it air dry.
I' ve been using dry ice. That takes a long time.
Next time, I'll try your way. Thanks for the tip.
Anytime. I'm usually always here to help.