Turkey Exploding in the Microwave-- the Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past By Dowser
Instead of "Chestnuts roasting in an open fire", try this:
"Turkeys exploding in the microwave,
Baked Yams on the kitchen floor.
Pecans in the pie, getting stuck to the crust, and
and jello sliding out the door..."
If there is a Thanksgiving cooking disaster, I've very likely cooked it.
I well remember taking a pecan pie to my mother-in-law's house, (she didn't like me, anyway), and cutting the pie ONLY to discover that 3/4 of the pecans had sunk to the bottom, and become glued, like floor tile, to the bottom crust. I never did figure out what happened.
Then, there was the Thanksgiving that I had purchased the smallest turkey available and it was 23 pounds of rock-solid-frozen awfulness. There were 4 of us. Directions said to thaw it in the fridge. So, I took out 3 of the refrigerator racks, and stuffed it in. That damn bird "thawed" for a week, and was still frozen solid on Thanksgiving eve.
Next, I took it out and stuffed it in the oven on low for about 4 hours. I THOUGHT it was thawed. But, never having cooked a damn turkey before, I didn't know that all it's innards were located inside the thing, in a bag, labeled INNARDS. So, I buttered, baked, and basted all night long, doing my best to cook it. The next day, I didn't have a platter large enough to hold it, and decided to cut it in half. No way, the inside was STILL frozen, with all the giblets and all that crap still in there. 
So, my next bright idea was to hack off chunks and microwave it. I did so, and after about 5 minutes the microwave gave one of those BRrroing noises, the door blew off, and amid the billows of black smoke, it caught on fire, and our turkey was subjected to the handy application of the fire extinguisher. I think it was an undiscovered giblet.
This mother-in-law didn't approve of me, either, and both she AND my mother never ever forgave me for burning up the turkey. Now, you know why I buy smoked turkey from the local Bar-B-Q joint, and thank my lucky stars I'm not up basting all night. Or wherever.
Then, there was the corn pudding fiasco. I made corn pudding, according to the recipe in Grandma's cookbook. It smelled heavenly! It looked marvelous! But, while cooking, it boiled over in the oven, a giant blob landing on the heating element, which then ZZZAPPPED and blew not only the fuse, but the element as well, and that was the end of that. Thank heavens I had gotten a new microwave, and could finish dinner in it.
I should gloss over the jello incident, but, since I'm in a Tell-All mode, I won't. I must confess. For years, and years, and years, I could not make jello. I could make a mean Red Velvet cake from scratch. I could fix a fabulous Seafood Bisque from scratch, but Jello? Nope. No matter what I did, It Would Not Jell. Sigh.
So, different mother-in-law-- this one was my Step Mother-in-law, and a lovely woman who only looked down her nose at me on occasion. She divorced my former father-in-law and I divorced my husband, so she became my double-ex-step-mother-in-law, and we got along very well!
Anyway, I had this fabulous recipe for jello salad, involving cranberry juice, nuts, oranges, etc. It took hours, chopping all that, but I mixed it all up, according to directions and put it in a gorgeous copper jello mold that would have served an army. I put the concoction in the Refrigerator. T wo days later, it had not jelled. It was still runny and gooey, albeit a fruit-filled treat. Wednesday night, I gave up and stuck it in the freezer, hoping it would freeze by dinner the next day. It did. I soaked the copper pan, got the chunk of frozen goo out, put it on a beautiful glass dish, and off we went.
When we got there, their house was VERY warm, because the furnace was stuck to the ON position, plus the ovens in the kitchen busy baking everything. I put the jello in the kitchen, hoping it wouldn't thaw too much. Not knowing my jello affliction, my step mother-in-law, who had her own troubles, picked it up and put in on the counter, next to the stove. Well, do I have to fill in the details? We ended up putting scoops of goo in pretty compote glasses.
I've gone out to the garage this evening, where it's COLD, and hugged my Cracker Barrel Sack about 5 times this evening.
Yes, I'm thankful . I'm thankful I don't have to put up with all this cooking nonsense any more for the 4 of us, (John, Matthew, Louis, my mother's boyfriend, and me). I'm so very thankful I don't have to figure out Which Innard is a giblet, or what to do with the long thing that must be a neck? Don't tell me, please. I'm thankful that all of my mother-in-laws are not in my life, any more, except for John's mother, who was Wonderful, so naturally, SHE'S the one that died.
I'm very thankful for my friends here on NT. God Bless you all, even those of you who don't want to be blessed, by any God, especially the one I believe in-- and I'm very thankful to have a family to celebrate with. I'm truly thankful to be semi-warm in what is now my house, and for my multitudinous livestock. Even the bad ones.
Once my husband gets here, I'll let him figure out the damper, which is tricky, and build a nice fire in the fireplace. I'm going to sit in Daddy's seat on the couch, and toast my anti-drinking mother with small glass of sparkling Champipple. (Ripple wine and 7Up.) I will toast all of you, too! 
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it.
Peace and Abundant Blessings in this and other times of thanks.
Enoch.
Everyone needs a glass of Champipple!
Stories like this explain why a great scientist invented the turkey frier ... or maybe it was a great chef ?
Thank you, dear Enoch. My mother has a "thing" on the outside of her door-- I don't know what you call it, but it is to remember the Torah. I've always loved it, and will carefully remove it and take it home with me.
You touch it as you go inside. I always touch it, because it reminds me to thank God.
I hope that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that your turkey does NOT explode!
Those things scare me... I've seen videos of a semi-thawed turkey blowing up like a bomb when it hits the hot grease. Besides, there are 4 of us. How much turkey can 4 of us eat, especially when one of us is a vegetarian?
Dear Friend Dowser: Probably a Mezuzah.
Please see Devarim (Deuteronomy) 5:4 and 6-9.
5:4 "Shema Yisrael, Adonai Eloheynu, Adonai Echad". Hear O Israel, The L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is One". The Shema is a proclamation of monotheism central to Judaism.
6-9 "And you shall write them upon the door posts of your house, and upon your gates". (Them refers tot eh words of the Shema).
The Mezuzah contains the words of the Shema on parchment. It is hand printed in kosher ink. It is encased in in glass or metal. It is placed on the right hand door post of the outer entrance of every entrance of every dwelling room in a home.
The word Shadai (One of the names of G-d: Shadai from Shadu, the Mountain G-d) is written on the back of the parchment inserted into the decorative Mezuzah case. It is rendered visible by a small opening in the case.
The choice of Shadai is selected as we look up to G-d for inspiration as we do to mountain tops. It is hoped we can be inspired to conduct our lives in a way worthy of the love G-d grants us all.
See the Psalms in which it is written "I lift up my eyes, unto the mountains from where my help will come. My help will come from the G-d who has made the heavens and earth".
The Mezuzah is a symbol of G-d's watchful care over the house and its dwellers. It is a solemn reminder to all who go in and out that the home is devoted to the ideals of the Shema.
When my son and daughter were growing up, one project I did with each of them, when old enough to understand all this was to go to my study with them and hand print the Shema. Then to my basement workshop to hand create a metal encasement of the Mezuzah. Then to the garage (for proper ventilation) to paint it for decoration.
They each still have the self made Mezuzot, which they have on the doors to their own homes now.
It is a custom to kiss your hand and transfer the smooch to the the Mezuzah upon entering a home, out of respect, awe and love for G-d.
I hope this sheds some light on this nice custom.
Peace, Abundant Blessings, and Plenty of Sauce with Whole Cranberries.
Enoch.
Great story Marsha. Cracked me up. Sounds like something that would have happened to me!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Oh Dowser...I don't think I wouldever fix Thanksgiving dinner again....EVER!! My first Thanksgiving...Married only 2 months..got the turkey stuffed, cooked, thenout of the oven , ready to sit down to eat our Thanksgiving dinner..We get an emergency phone call, we left the house...but, we left the stuffing in the turkey, I didn't know you were supposed to remove it ASAP..Well..when we go tback, the entire house smelled disgusting..like a toilet had overflowed!! I called my Mother-In -Law and told her about the stench..and she screamed.."Don't eat it! It's rotten now, because of the stuffing being left in there for so long!! I don't think I cooked a turkey again for about 2o yrs!! Talk about feeling DUMB!!
Loved your story, Dowser. Brought a great smile to my face. I, too, have a similar turkey story.
When I was a law student living in the basement of a person's home I had a microwave oven. They had just started to make those cardboard boxed microwave meals (turkey slices with a bit of gravy, corn, mashed potatoes, a touch of cranberry sauce and I think a few slices of baked apple for dessert). I put it in the microwave, turned it on, and then went back to studying. I guess I was too deeply engrossed in my studies because it took a while to notice the burning smell or seen the smoke. I hadn't read the instructions properly and had put the whole box into the oven.
This was so long ago I don't remember if I had a toaster oven or a microwave oven, but perhaps the fact that the box caught on fire indicated it was a toaster oven.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
Thank you for explaining this! Of course, we have it on the wrong side of the door, which I will remedy when I move it. It is a pottery box, with the words written, in Hebrew, on the side. I always thought it was special, but had no idea what it meant, other than it was to remind us to be grateful to God for our blessings.
And they are many!
We always made the dressing separate. I had NO idea that all those guts were in there... I mean, who'd a thunk it? Who'd put guts back INTO a turkey? Do they put the guts back in to a roast beef?
My dear friend, I do understand. I once blew up a pressure cooker with a chicken. But that's another story...
I can only hope and pray that you didn't have the same kind of in-laws that I did. Naturally, when I got a good mother-in-law, she didn't live long. I still treasure her memory and only pray that I can be that nice to my future whoever.
Love you, and I hope that your day is BRIGHT and happy!
The turkey exploded with BOTH my mother and my super-critical mother-in-law standing in the kitchen, looking disapproving. This is the woman that used to spray be down with insecticide when I entered her house, because I had book bugs on me. BOOK BUGS???? What do you mean?
Never mind. I read a lot of old books, and still have them all, and if they've got microscopic bugs, well, I've got them, too. My mother thought it was funny. I didn't.
Bless your heart! I've done that, with the microwave sparking on the tiny bit of metal on anything. I once caught a bag of popcorn on fire, too. And no, it wasn't Jiffy Pop, it was regular, microwavable popcorn. I hit the wrong button-- so instead of the Popcorn button, I had hit Thaw Meat or something. That's several microwaves ago and I can't keep up.
Have a great day!
For those who have not seen or recognized a Mezuzah this is a picture of one. The Hebrew letter "Shin" is shown on it, that letter being the first letter of the first word of the prayer Enoch referred to as the "Shema", and can be seen on the face of most Mezuzas.
When correctly mounted on a door-post the top is to tilt inwards towards the inside of the home. In the movie "Shine" which starred Geoffrey Rush as David Helfgott, a virtuoso pianist, a scene showed the doorway into a Jewish person's home, and I immediately noticed that the Mezuzah was leaning outwards instead of inwards, which is incorrect.
It was picked up eventually as a "movie mistake":
Thanks, Buzz!
The one we have looks nothing like this! I'll try to take a picture in daylight, and post it so that you can see what it is.
I am SOOOO glad you enjoyed it!
It kind of puts this Thanksgiving, with all my rescue problems, into perspective...
Dowser ,
You're right about the potential for an explosion with a frozen turkey hitting hot grease . I've never used one of those but I expect the trick is to put the turkey into room temp grease & then turn it on but that's just a guess ...
Yep. And here I hoped for a peaceful Thanksgiving... HAHAHA! It's not in the cards.
All of my candlesticks are antiques and they don't MAKE candles to fit any more. So, I wrap chewing gum around the bottom, (a Grandma trick), and Matthew and I have so much fun, chewing!
I've got a huge candle trimmer somewhere. It acts like a pencil sharpener. The cats love the shavings and play with them, so I get to try to vacume them up out of the carpet... IRK.
I have no idea and don't want one. If we have all of John's family over, we'd need two turkeys and I can't manage one. I've got my Grandma's roasting pan, now, which is blessed, so maybe I can try again someday...
Then again, I may just stick to smoked turkey from the Bar-B-Q.
Randy, I've been living in apartments since I got here, and because the doorposts have been metal I've used double-sided tape to mount them. No problem, and of course easy to remove without damaging the door post or the Mezuzah when moving out.
I'm hoping that mine is transferable-- and doesn't shatter when I try to move it.
(((Dowser))) I can't wait to hear it!!
My mother in law acted as if she liked me, but I had a gut feeling she wasn't crazy about me....sigh
Love you too ,my friend and hope your day is "uneventful".....lol
I think she was likely thinking that I was afflicted with dust mites. So she sprayed me down, every time I entered her house. Sigh!
Needless to say, that didn't go over very well...
I love you, Nona-- and I hope that your Thanksgiving is a very pleasant one!!!
Exploding chickens are likely my next story...
I'm ready for a bit of "uneventful"!
I had two mother-in-laws that were horrified my husbands married me, and sabotaged me every step of the way. They were of MUCH higher class, they thought. Lesson learned: If your future mother-in-law doesn't like you, don't marry 'em. Then, I had my lovely step-mother-in-law who didn't really like me, but could tolerate me. Once we were both divorced, we became very good friends! My last mother-in-law was an absolute jewel!
aaaww...You know I live you too Dear Dowser! I'm looking forward to the exploding chicken!! Your escapades are always so well written..you should consider writing a book!!
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Taking a brief break from "doing"-- I hope we do, too! Louis, my mother's boyfriend is coming. I'm looking forward to seeing him!
*Cheers* to you, too, Feronia! (Tipping my glass of coca-cola to you)
It was a lovely day and I am pooped! Just getting the table ready and warming up stuff in the microwave wore me out! And of course, the clean up, without a dish washer...
MUCH love to you!
The trick is to thaw the turkey fully.
The reason it boils over is all of the water becoming unfrozen at once and expanding. Think of the frozen french fries when they hits the hot grease.
If you start with room temp oil and a half thawed bird, even if it does not boil over immediately, it might when the oil heats due to incomplete mixing of the system.
happy Thanksgiving! Hope yours was great.
I have always done well with my turkeys... I could come over and help.
Happy Thanksgiving, Dowser!
We never got a chance to try it out!
That poor turkey died for our needs and went uneaten into the garbage...