Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,

Having Trouble Coming? It's Easier Over The Internet - Sebastian Dangerfield, Sexed Up-ologist, MU (Mixed Up) - Thank You

By:  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,  •   •  11 years ago  •  9 comments

Having Trouble Coming? It's Easier Over The Internet - Sebastian Dangerfield, Sexed Up-ologist, MU (Mixed Up) - Thank You

"Good Morning, America!And NEWS STALKERS , TOO!

Have I got good news for you sad saps that are having difficulty "coming" or "going" from your hovels of a homeand like eager schmucksare looking for fast action relief from the naggings you aredeservedly receiving from your frustrated spouse, lover, or, the neighbors wife.

If you are a card carrying member of the Bird Dropping Institute - A Think Tank For Morons - No Idiots, Please, and, haven't been stripped searched by local authorities, as of yet, BUT ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT; have no communicable diseases,then, you are eligible to subscribe to our "Telepathic Classes", taught by our very own professional Sexual Predator, Unlicensed Doctor Sebastian Dangerfield, Sexed Up, Sex Ol-o-gist and Unlicensed Massage Therapist, on staff 24/7, (least, he be sent back to jail, where he is wanted fornumerous unspeakable misdemeanors against himself, and against his multiple personalities, including, the most recent offensestanding up-right at a parking meter, white lying down on the job andotherRepublican improprieties).

DISCLAIMER : I have no idea whatany of this means and no intent on finding out. Do you?

Friend, Fiends, Sexual Deviates and your average Left Leaning Liberals Too Lazy to Find a minion wage Job. For a limited time only, (until the warrant is served), this dirty little Democrat,now a resident prevaricator,here, at the Bird Droppings Institute, (located in lovely, but, nearly all torn down Mildew, Ohio) will be teaching those interested in the time warranted course, "How To Come On The Internet and Other Interesting Places" while avoiding jail time. Don't waste your hard earned or soft earned (wink - wink) money on Jazzercise - Jazz up your Sex Life for only 650 payments of "Ouch! That hurts".

As most of you deadbeats know, our feesare exorbitant, here,at the Less Than Prestigious Bird Dropping Institute; an arm and a leg.

Perhaps likeyour backward, Evangelical-Born Again-Hilly Bullies, Only Christian Re-Puritan church's tithing structure, our fee our tied to how much money you make and pro-rated on how much we get from you suckers.

All our fees are based on a "sliding scale": You slide your wallet our way, and,we deduct what we need to continue our much needed, and, little anticipated research, ( outlawed in Mexico, and, much of Northern Iraq). Then, we slide it back to you, or, not. Mostly not!

Our newest telepathic course, that is never coming out, is"Coming Out For Straight Gays", based onCongresswoman, Michelle Bachman's government loan fundedscam that she and her deadbeat husband run, entitled, "You Don't Have To Be Queer Dear, We CanSTOP you, your son or daughter, spouse, or parent from: Becoming Gay by Knocking the Snot Out of Them", developed by Michelle Bachman's ugly ass husband, "I Would Be Gay - If I had Any Balls", Bachman.

This much herald and frequently stoned program of mixed nuts, includes your own Used Tube of KY Jelly , plus, a stack ofslight used, but much abused "Hustler" magazines, and offerssubscribers their your own personal trainer, "Jack, the Ass Ripper", who will leap out of your closet thefirst thing in the morning, scare the shit out of you, which is a good thingand get you started on your manual exercises by kicking your sorry ass awake. Who wouldn't want that first thing in the A.M.?

Our celebrated research team, Dr. Ding-A-Ling and Dr. Ding Dong, two Chinese former circus performers, have frequently stated in broken English that, "Nothing gets the heart pounding in the morning fasterthan a good old fashioned ass whopping".

The Communists did it all the time, and, because soon, America will be owned by China, werecommend that Americans learnbe to kick this Constitutional crap out of their system and to accept a conciliatory role!

Now, folks for an extra $1000 per month for the rest of your sorry socialist lives, we will provide you with your personalized trainer who willinstructyou ,"blow by blow", onhow to "come", or, "come out", which ever applies, thus, saving those microscopic zygotes for their true mission in life, "bring forth upon this Continent a New Nation" of Morons and Losers with Low Mores.

Note , or, to those of you that were glued to your TV's sets during the O.J. Simpson murder trial, may we have an "Aside Bar", at this time.

"You see, Friends and Sons Bitches of the Corn Hole De-generation, you lazy ass morons playing that ignorant ass game, Corn Hole" all damn day long, when you should be dragging your fat, lazy left leaning welfare sucking asses out into the Real world looking for jobs that don't exist anymore,because Johnnie Boehner and his Re-Puritan colleagues sent them all oversea to China, which is OK with us because we be Lazy, Left Leaning Liberal that don't no how to work. We just love that "free" government cheese.

It is important, indeed, "critical",that subscribers wash their mouth out with soap, or, a strong anti-bacterial detergent before commencing their decent into sexual promiscuity, know to viewer of our site POLITICAL PORNOGRAPHY as Paradise Lost, Paradise Found! I don't give a shit, get on the ground now.You are so hot, Iam taking you here and now!

Our, incarcerated, resident instructor, Charlie Manson, is on call for one night only, with his cellmate, John Milton and both odd balls will give "blow by blow-offs" to anyone that makes a stupid inquiry and read from someone else's work.

"Coming", or, "going" is essential if one wantsto have a healthysex life, clear skin free of acne, and, able to leap tall building with only two attempts, particularly importanceto those old goatsin their80s or 90's who want desperately to get some of their youth or teeth back.

"I am 88 years old man, and, I have the body of a 12 year old girl although, I am a girlie-man with the mind of an 88 year old man ona fast trackto turning into dust, I am as of yet, not sucked into the Event Horizon, but, close. - Actual Unsolicited Letter from a previously brow bitten abuser.

"And, Ican still can hang upside down at my age on my Teeter Board , relieving my back pain, while drillingmy spouseat the same time, ( f you will pay me to do so), and watch my video for thousands of dollars more.

I amproud to say that I am a capitalist Vulture, Re-Puritan, Hell Bent For Conservative Republican committed to making a fortune for myself and keeping all of it. But, not as of yet, committed to an institution.

That's why they call me old "Silver Tongue" - my tongue is silver from old age and shift with ease to both sides of myface allowing me to talk out ofmy mouth from both sides.

Want to learn more?

I don't!

Send us your personal valuables, all of them, to P.O. Box :


% Mildew, Ohio,


Upon receiving your assets, The Bird Dropping Institute will call you at the nearest pay phone booth with instructions on where to go next.

Remember, folks, " coming" is easier on the Internet with millions of autonomous lovers watching and listening in on your most private moment. Those are the ones, that we want to lookour best for; total strangers - Danger Strangers!Grin.gif

Let us show you the ropes - literally, and, teach you techniques to avoid prison, your love ones persistent snooping and the embarrassment of the ever sniffing "Johnny Law Dog", Vlad's dog 's sister.

If you, or, anyone remotely resembling you is using one of our telepathic products has an erection lasting more than fouryears, well, damn, Man, just thank God and stop your damn whining on newsvine.com.

Do it here, instead, in the privacy of your own blog, that no one reads. Wake Up America! The Government Is Watching You, and Glenn Beck, Too!


jrBlog - desc
Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

Perhaps, The News Talker, like its cousin, The News Walker, or, it progenitor, newsvine.com might want to strike down this worthless piece of Juvenile Journalism - but, don't let them, freaks, too, want to express themselves, keep up on the dirty news, roll it up into a log and use itas pillow when they are thrown out of the house and forced to sleep on the street, because their spouse found out that they weren't doing research on the Internet.

So, I say don't report me cause I am gay, report me because I have already been thrown off of newsvine.com a number of time before they permanently locked the doors and threw a way the keys. Chris sakes, I was writing political satire, not, trying to change the world.

If you feel sorry for me, and, most folks that don't know me do (the one that do know me want to kill me), then, you will generously post a comment, even if it is rude.

Freshman Silent
link   AmericanDreamsShattered    11 years ago

I drink alot! when i say that i mean alot and funny thing is i was thinking the same thing, before,err during my imbibing of coupious amount of the drink, uhmm huh seems to me i can't remember what i was talking about, ah well cheers anyway!

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

This is why newsvine.com changed its format so that disgusting vermin like Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, wouldn't be able to desecrate it so easily. Naturally, like Fox TV, you reach out to the scum of the earth, like this varmintFrown.gif , and invite him to participate here on this site, in this day and time of political correctness. SHAME, SHAME on you! SHAME! SHAME! on me. I think I'll go shoot some pigeons in the park.

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

I joined newsalkers.com because I thought it READ: "nude STALKERS", man, have I been disappointed, al mostas much as a pedophile disguised as a CATHOLIC PRIEST!

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

So, what? You HATE ME BECAUSE I AM QUEER? Who said anything about being gay? I aint gay. I am pissed! I might even be nuts, but, I ain't gay. More likeDEPRESSED, HELL, if you looked like me andhad a penis as small as mine, you would be depressed or gay.

Now, dam nit, folks. The LGBT/UFO folks stole my title, "QUEER",and miss-applied it to refer to those "dear" that really have a sense of style.

But, listen, to mynew Country Song: "I was queer before queer was in fashion". I have always been queer, except when I was a little boy growing up in Kentucky, (which I never did), they called "Qua-choir" and, of course, they meant me, "odd". I have always been the "odd duck out", the weird one, the queer one and I was proud of that.

So, give me back my name. Where can a man go to get his reputation back, I as you? It's not in the Men Room spray painted on a bathroom stall wall.Grin.gif

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

Is serving cereal to convicted serial killers cruel and unusual punishment, when they withhold the milk?

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

I have written comedy material for Richard Pryor, Paul Moony, Pat Paulsen, Laugh In, and three of my own comedy teams that entered life directly from an explosion and left it in the same fashion, but, none of it ever meant as much to me, as writing this Bull Shit!

Junior Quiet
link   cobaltblue    11 years ago

Oh my! A lovely trip on the most magic of all carpet rides.

I had no idea you had written for Moony. We may have crossed paths when you were in Los Angeles. Did you accompany him when he was at the Comedy Club?

Your mind is as delicious as the smile in your eyes. How many fat grams do you contain? Are you like cheesecake? If I eat you over the sink, will you be minus calories? You are worth at least an extra hour on the recumbent.

Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,
Freshman Silent
link   author  Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo,    11 years ago

Here's a cat that is screwier than me.