Interview with the Whistleblower (Satire)
By now everyone has heard that The Donald has screwed the pooch again . Don't worry, the pooch is okay (his tiny penis doesn't hurt the dog).
Trump's personal Attorney General, William "Candy" Barr, and the acting Director of National Intelligence, Joseph "Roidy" Maguire, are covering up Trump's crime against nature.
Naturally, House Intelligence Committee will be again stripped of their oversight power to see the whistleblower's complaint.
So the whistle blower decided that since Congress won't be informed about Trump's "secret phone call" the only way to get the truth out was to leak it.
I received a call from a woman who claimed to work for the NSA. She said she was the whistleblower who had the dirt on Trump. Here's a transcript of the call I received:
ME: "Hello."
HER: "I'm the whistleblower who has the dirt on the president?"
ME: "What? Why would you call me?"
HER: "I work at the NSA. I listen to phone calls and sometime type transcripts. I've been listening to your conversations for years, so I know I can trust you."
ME: "Why would the NSA tap my phone? Isn't that illegal?"
HER: "Your phone isn't tapped. The NSA doesn't need to tap phones, we receive feeds from all of the phone companies. You use Verizon. Since we can't possible listen to every phone call, we use computer algorithims that screen calls and flag stuff that people like me listen to. The computers flag calls based on certain keywords and phrases. Your conversations with your brother were frequently flagged because you discuss terrorism. It turned out that you guys hate terrorists so I knew you posed no threat. But your conversations are very so funny that I kept listening to you guys for fun."
ME: "I'm glad we entertained you."
HER: "I also heard you guys discussing topics like NSA snooping and counter-terrorism. Most of what you said was so accurate my boss said you must have inside information and he ordered surveillance on you. You managed to lose the tail he put on you several times. That pissed him off. But don't worry, they cleared you long ago."
ME: "Yeah, I thought local narcs were tailing me. So whenever I spotted a tail I used evasive maneuvers. It was kinda like a game to me. Butt, enough of the small talk. Are you going to tell me about this dirt you have on the president?"
HER: "Yes, but not over the phone. Some keywords would probably be used that would trigger flags at the NSA. We don't need that. You won't believe it. I puked my guts up when I heard what the president was saying. I want you to meet me tonight at 9PM at the bar in the Hay-Adams Hotel it's at 800 16th St NW, Washington, DC".
ME: "Shit. I'll miss Rachel Maddow. Butt you sound even more interesting so I'll be there. How will I recognize you."
HER: "Don't worry, I'll recognize you. Just get a table and I'll join you."
So I went to the hotel and found the bar. The bar, appropriately enough, is called "Off the Record". It was only 8:50PM so I grabbed a table, ordered a drink and sat facing the door. At exactly 9PM, a young hot brunette carrying a briefcase walked through the door and straight to my table.
HER: "Hi Al.
ME: "Hi whoever you are."
HER: "Sorry. I'm Dee.
ME: "Please bring us two Crown and gingers and make them doubles.
DEE: "I'm just going to drink and run. Everything is in the briefcase. You can keep it."
ME: "Thanx."
DEE: "I want you to know that the presidents phone is not tapped. The NSA recorded the transcripts in the briefcase from Putin's phone. We know everything that's said in Putin's office. Please don't reveal everything in the transcripts but feel free to publish a general description of what they are about. We don't want Putin to know we're listening to him. We want him to think we're just taping the president's phone."
When I got home, I dumped the contents of briefcase on my desk. The first thing I noticed a business card that said:
Dee Vuldge NSA Analyst
I had to laugh. Obviously, she was using a creative alias. Then I looked at the documents. There were transcripts of several phone conversations between Trump's and Putin. Some of them were more than twenty pages long. Nothing was redacted.
Trump wasn't colluding with Putin he was fucking collaborating with Putin. And it was obvious that Putin was Trump's boss.
So there I was, Mr. Nobody, looking at the smoking gun. It proved TREASON!
I spent all night vaping weed and reading the transcripts.
I hit the rack at about 6AM determined to take the evidence to Adam Schiff when I woke up (probably in the afternoon).
When I woke up I was very groggy and totally disorientated. My hands were handcuffed behind my back. I was in the back of a van. The smell of chloroform was sickening. I heard guys saying shit like:
MAN#1: "Help me stuff him in this Hefty Bag. Perfect. Now help me throw the asshole in the boat." MAN#2: "I'm gonna need some help with these chains."
I just stayed limp. I wanted to appear to be unconscious. I slammed into the deck of the boat butt I was okay. The boat didn't go very far. They rolled me onto some chains which they pulled tight. I heard a padlock click.
MAN#1: "Come on guys. This is gonna take all of us."
I was "buried at sea". As I bumped on the bottom (it was fairly shallow) I could hear the boat speeding away. I managed to pull the handcuffs over my skinny ass and I used my finger nails to tear a hole in the Hefty Bag. The freezing water started to fill the bag so I took a deep breath and wiggled through the chains. I'm a Navy vet so the quarter mile swim wasn't hard butt the hypothermia was almost killed me.
I was on the DC side of the Potomac. I grabbed a newspaper out of a trash can to conceal the handcuffs. I hailed a cab in my dripping PJ's.
CABBIE: "Holy shit! What the fuck happened to you?" ME: "Take me to the Washington Post. You can read about it tomorrow."
Someone at the Post paid the cabbie. I told the guy I had a great story for the Post. I was provided with dry clothes and hot coffee. I told them that I'm a retired journalist. I was surrounded by staffers and told them this story. They said they needed to corroborate my story so they sent a couple of guys to my house to get the briefcase. When they got back they informed me that my house had "burned to the ground". They also said there is no Dee Vuldge at the NSA. They asked me to identify her from pictures. I refused.
ME: "If she's still alive, I'd like to keep it that way."
POST STAFFER: "She may already be on the bottom of the Potomac anyway."
ME: "Well, I guess I'll go into the 'wetness protection program.' Shit, I won't even be able to use my fucking bank account."
POST STAFFER: "Would you like to start working for us? We can help you establish a new identify and give you an advance on your pay."
So I'm typing this on an airplane on the way to my new Post assignment in
BTW, I spotted Dee's picture, and learned her real name, when the Post asked me to identify her. Then I found her on FaceBook. She's still alive butt I'm sure she thinks I'm dead. That's probably a good thing.
Author's Disclaimer: This article is pure fiction. It's total bullshit just like almost everything Donald Trump says.
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Trump is a fucking traitor.
Lock him up!
"no really. my daughter ivanka loves older men with tiny kelbasas."
And she apparently loves incest too.
A different view... Christ that's fucking gross.
probably not the first time little hands
had to wipe 'stuff' off her belly,
Do I see some tongue action there?
U Wood...
By the way Al, that was some impressive writing!
Oh shit.
I just noticed that everything I put <in these thingies> disappeared from my article.
I guess I need to use the fucking fancy {brackets} in the future.
Under current whistleblower laws in this situations like this a whistleblower can now go directly to Congress with their concerns. I expect this will be the next step...
Trump and his personal Attorney General have castrated Congress. Even the (acting) DNI is involved in the coverup.
how the fck are true patriots supposed to come forward now and blow their whistles...
when Trump just seems to keep blowing Putin ,
and all of our forefathers checks and balances OFF
Putin enjoys those blow jobs.
Well, true Patroits suck their whistles in an attempt to deflate them.
I understand the owner of the Patriots gets hookers to blow his whistle.
So close to your usual, "I spotted tail, I used persuasive maneuvers." Works every time ...
Now I know it's fiction.
Fantastic article!! I laughed, I cried, I fantasized (butt that part didn't have anything to do with the article).
Brilliant usual.
Uh oh. You pissed off The Donald again.
But who's gonna pay it?
Damn. I thought it said "Terrif on cobalt."
Didn't Giuliani want to go to the Ukraine to discuss Trump's upcoming election?
Cite
That's the classic meltdown!
This guy might be next.
Has any Trumpster ever explained why he tried to put his hands on his daughters ass , in front of millions of people?
They don't care. They're willing to give up their dignity, their credibility, their self-respect, their decency to defend the traitor.
or Whistle blowers
or microphones
or video cameras
or hand chosen AG's
or
most of all
their OWN EGREGIOUS OH FENCES
Cite
Traitors. The whole lot of them.
Since it's a violation of federal election laws to receive anything of value from a foreigner for free (constitutes a campaign contribution), Trump has to bribe the president of the Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky to get the "kompromat".
That sounds totally legit, right?
Isn't it just canny the down votes on this are nothing less than being ostrich's with their heads planted deeply in the sand! Like always, they want to ignore reality. Don't tell us the truth, it ruins our fantasies!
Thing is, it was always the more rope he got, he was bound to hang himself and he has. IMO, this is exactly why Pelosi would rather see him in jail rather than pardoned by Pence or impeachment ignored by the republicunt crooks.
there not down votes, they're responses
i thought the same thing at one time
Really?! I didnt realize that either. I wondered how they were created when I don't have that option. Figured it may some special moderator privilege.
Lol. Ok I leaned something new today. Thanks for straightening me out about it. Everything else I said stands!
A
cull
Don't you see the green "fist" next to the numbers, just before "reply" ?
Click the fist and it's a vote up, click it again to remove your vote.
Click on the actual number to see who voted up which comments.
Oh yeah, I vote up all the time. I just thought the - sign was a vote down.
test
-ing
it brings me back to when i was testing fax machines between my business and house.
i was sending back to business and sent first page Test
second A
Third Cull
He told me that took ball
I remember that fax,
!!!
i sent it to you too ?
.
or i've probably shared it here samething
Trump said i can make up my own reality and truth
"Interview with the Whistleblower (Satire) "
"I puked my guts up when I heard it."
Last time I was a whistle blower I ratted out Pharaoh (Reese's Pieces Be Upon Him) to my boss.
Ten Plagues later the following took place.
Not only did I lose my gig as Chief Chief at the Goshen Bar and Grill (Steaks, Seafood, Cheops); he tossed all of us out into a beach near no ocean.
Enoch (Bidding Farewell to the Nile with a Glatt Kosher Smile).
Omigawwwwd! I'm roarin' over here!
Dear Friend Cobaltblue: Smiles.
How are you?
I hope the summer was a good one to you and yours.
I wish all of you a great fall to remember.
P&AB.
Enoch.
It's so good to see you! I love you so much, that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I would miss you soooo much.
I just realized that we've been friends for so long, I've forgotten which one of us is the bad influence.
That one's easy
Dear Friend and Life Jacket Wearing Cobaltblue:
LOL.
You are on fire today.
Great work.
P&AB.
Enoch.