Old, But Still Funny
NUMBER 1
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers, like yourself, have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
NUMBER 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General -----
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
NUMBER 3:
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am. We don't go there to talk."
NUMBER 4:
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
A Final Thought...
The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
...I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot!
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My brother is a great source, as usual. These may be old, but still worth reading, cause they could be even more laughable than a lot of the politics articles and comments posted on this site.
So that this article will survive the night on the Front (Home) Page, if you did get a laugh out of it, please vote the article up and make a short comment, because by doing that more than a few NT members might get a chance to see it.
The aliens landed in a small-town city park.
Of the three that exited the craft, one was sent to make contact.
The one walked across the street to make contact.
It walked up and said "please sir take me to your leader".
The alien was speaking to a gas pump at a Charlies Place.
The Alien spoke louder thinking he hadn't been heard.
"Please sir take me to your leader!"
The gas pump did not respond. It remained calm.
The alien, being short tempered, drew his ray gun and pointed it.
"Sir I will blast you if you don't take me to your leader!"
The gas pump stood mute as always.
The alien fired and the whole city block became a wall of fire
The other two aliens standing by their ship were stunned!
One alien looked to the other and said.
"Figured he had to be bad son of a bitch what with standing there with his dick in his ear!"
Funny like always. Your brother must be a hoot in person
He's a lawyer as well.
I won't hold that against him. We all have our own burdens to bare.
It's something that I, too, both bare and bear.
Hahaha
The whole courtroom breaking up in laughter in the top story reminded me of a true courtroom story. One of my classmates, who was also one of my best friends, became a public defender in Toronto. I went to watch him at work one morning in court, and it was the morning after the police had arrested a bunch of prostitutes, all of whom were being defended by my friend. He pleaded each one, one after another, "not guilty". After about the 5th one the Magistrate spoke up: "Mr. M****, surely some of these women must be guilty." My friend replied: "Your Worship, when I decided to practise law my mother made me promise that I would never associate with criminals, so it's a matter of principle that NONE of these women are guilty." As in the joke above, the whole courtroom broke up in laughter, including the Magistrate. Let me tell you something, I knew his mother, and you damn well were not going to break a promise with that woman.
Lawyer Jokes:
Q: What do you call 600 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Why don't the sharks touch them?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can't screw you once you're dead.
Sunday School teacher asked the young class " do you know where Jesus is?"
Little Billy says "I don't know what he does the rest of the day but he comes to our house in the morning to use the bathroom"
The teacher asked him why he thinks that
Little Billy says "Every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and yells Jesus Christ are you still in there?"