First year firsts.
As many know my mother passed away this past New Years Eve. So I faced the first year without wishing her happy new year (it didn't seem appropriate as last words to her). Then this past St Patrick's Day I faced the first of her birthdays without her. She was named Pat because of being born that day and I called her every year. In a few more weeks Mother's Day will be coming up and advertisers are already selling trinkets and jewelry and such and I don't blame them. They have a lot of customers who still have mothers. Still it'll be the first for me where, again, I won't be able to call her and say "Hi there you you bum! This is your long, lost California son making his obligatory Mother's Day call", which she always got a kick out of it.
They say time heals all wounds and they are right to an extent. I never forget her and miss her, but the pain is a tiny, tiny bit less every day that it goes by. Surprisingly (and guiltily enough) there are sometimes days at a time when I don't think of her at all. Still, I keep my phone turned off most of the time because I found that whenever it rings at night (we used to talk about once every 2 weeks for hours at a time) the first thing I look for on the caller ID is "Mom" to see if it her calling me up to just BS. I guess that after many years of it being her that's a natural reaction. I also guess that soon I'll start leaving my phone on again.
Two years ago about this time her and my little brother Tim (Little! He's 51!) came out here and visited and she got to see Hollywood and the Pacific Ocean and such things. Parts of her bucket list. I was glad that I got to see her again, but I sort of knew that when we dropped them off at the airport I'd likely never see her again. She looked very frail. 4'10" and very small and frail. Still most of the time when I think of her it's more with a wistfulness then with grief and that's a good sign.
Then a few weeks ago my wife became very sick and of course I went through it all over again in many ways. She's 72 and her health is not what it used to be, so unless something radical happens to me (I'll be 60 in July), I'll probably have to face her death too someday, more likely sooner then later. However I never thought I'd get over my dad dying 17 years ago and I did and I'm slowly getting over my Mother's. If/when if comes time for Joan it'll be incredibly painful, but I think that you reach a certain age where you start to lose friends and relatives to age and disease and, even though it does make you feel a little guilty (me anyway), I think you get better at accepting and dealing with the inevitable. Even your own.
You don't think so at the time, but life does go on and the pain does get less.
One of the pictures is one of my favorites of her and the other one is a picture of her and her late husband Bob. He was one of the nicest people you could ever meet and after a rough life for her, he loved her forever.
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Think I'll turn my phone on tomorrow. It's getting to be about time.
That was very touching, Randy. It caused me to think of my father, who died at the age of 69 and my mother who outlived him until she was 82. A few weeks ago my older brother's wife died from cancer. She was about the same age as me and things like that tend to make us feel vulnerable.
Your mother's husband was a very handsome man. Do I recall your saying he was not your father?
He was her 4th husband. Guess she finally found the one for her. My father was her first husband, He was a great guy and a great father, but the two of them were just not made for each other. He was married and divorced 4 times and at his funeral all 4 of his ex-wives sat in the front pew holding each others hands. They all loved him. He was quite a character.
Time does ease pain, and helps smooth out the waves of grief. I lost my mom about a year and a half ago, so all the big "one year ago she was here" days have passed. Still times I want to call her, and when I see a little old lady on a walmart scooter, I sometimes feel guilty about the times I tried to rush her out of there because I had something else to do. our loved ones leave us but never totally. Memories are a blessing, it keeps them with us.
Thanks for sharing Randy. It sounds like you and your mom were very close later in life. I shared a personal tragedy of mine with you off line a couple weeks ago so I understand loss and pain and for me even guilt.
It might make you feel good to do something your mom may have enjoyed on her behalf. Loved the pic of your mom in pink. I bet she could be sassy when she wanted to be!
I bet she could be sassy when she wanted to be!
That's an understatement! In her youth she was a classic wild child. Even when she got older (she worked until she was 80) she would yell at other drivers on the road. I told her one of these days she'd be sorry but she'd say she was a little old lady and no one would be mean enough to mess with a little old lady.
The "firsts" are indeed the hardest as we confront our new normal.
Grief can be a long process, some choose to circumvent while others allow it to occur and process through. I don't think there is a right way, it's as individual as we are. Glad you shared "where" you are, it allows people to take stock of their own relationships being reminded life is finite.
Memories are useful in expanding and defining who we are and how we live. May your memories help expand and define the time you and Joan share. Metaphorically, wear the pink hat my friend, wear the hat!
Losing those we love is never easy, and while you have gone through the 1sts, now you get to go through the 2nds... It does get easier, but it takes time...
May I suggest that you do something for her on Mother's Day, as a way to honor her? Maybve give a bag of groceries to a homeless shelter or something? Something your Mom would like...
Take care Randy, and know that I love you! I'm here, any time you may wish to call!
First year firsts are hard, and you know they will be. After that, when you can no longer say "a year ago....",and when you seem to be more alone, when others aren't commisserating those firsts with you, the waves of grief are more random., simple things can bring them on. But the smiling memories come more often too.
When I got up this after noon this article was locked for some reason? It took several times but it finally unlocked. Thanks to all for the good wishes and to those others going through the first year of firsts.